What is the answer?

[me403]

Ok here it goes.

I have been married now for 2 years and i am having issues. In order to understand you need to know some history. I will try to be brief.

My wife and I first dated for about a year. During this time we fell in love, but during the last part of this we had several arguments often because I felt that I wasn't being treated very well by her at times. During one of these argument it came to the point where I felt there was no more that I could do so I (very reluctantly) ended the relationship.

This was extremely hard on me and although I didn't have contact with her I heard from her friends it was very hard on her as well. I soon began to regret what I had done, and tried extremely hard to win her back, but she is very stubborn, and would not have any of it. The very last thing that I did to try and get her back was a huge planned out series of events and things that I did for her to try and get her back. During this day I could tell that she enjoyed every bit of it, and still had strong feelings for me, but the very next day when I asked for my answer she rudely pretty much told me to get lost. That is exactly what I did. Again, it was hard but I got over her.

Shortly after this long and painful process of getting over her (about 3 months) she came back to me and wanted me back. I mentioned before that she is stubborn, and she also holds long grudges. All the other times I tried to get her back she only said no because of her stubbornness and the grudge she held from me breaking up with her originally. When she came back to me I of course eagerly jumped on that chance and we again began to date. Very soon (within a week) the opportunity for me to again express my feelings for her came up, so I said those three special words. As the words were leaving my lips i realized that I no longer believed them, but the damage had already been done. The relationship was back but I did not feel any of the feelings I once did. I could not figure out why this was. I thought maybe I held some bitterness in my heart that simply suppressing my feelings of love. During this time I weakly tried a couple times to break up again, but she convinced me to say. Because I could not figure out what I was feeling I had trouble making decisions like that. I also felt very obligated to be with her because I was the one that had put in so much effort to get her back. How could I just go and end it again. I didn't want to hurt her like that again.

Time passed, and I went though all the motions but still felt nothing. eventually she began to talk a lot about marriage and I began to feel pressure from her, her parents, my parents, peers, church leaders, and almost everyone around me to ask her to marry me. I prayed and prayed and prayed more than I ever have and never felt an answer. Not a yes. Not a no. I was confused. Eventually it came to the point where she literally asked me to ask her to marry her right then. So I did. I felt horrible. I felt like I had given in, and I had. I hung on to the hope that my love for her would eventually return as it was, but that has never happened. Now we are having serious problems in our marriage. mostly because she does not feel loved enough, and I am having trouble faking it anymore. Now I do not know what to do. Usually when people have troubles in marriage they have a time to look back on that can give them hope. I have nothing. I hate to even think about my wedding day. It reminds me of the choice I never should have made. I once believed that any two people could be happy together, and I still feel that could be true but I don't know if I can muster the strength to make that happen. Most of what I did, i did so that I could not hurt her feelings, and not I find that I have done the worst possible thing I could do to her feelings, and she doesn't know it. Please, I have never told anyone this and i really need your advise. I don't know what to do.

[JudoMinja]

Well, you are unfortunately stuck in a hard place. You've already said your "I do"s to this woman. You've made your commitment, and that cannot be taken back lightly. Unless there is a very good reason for it, divorce would be a mockery of that commitment. Is your wife abusive, or are you simply unhappy with your decision? Are there any serious problems with your relationship, or are you simply having a hard time finding love for your wife? If your wife's "stubbornness" and behavior is harmful, hurtful, and/or detrimental to your well-being, I think it would be wise of you to consider divorce. Otherwise, it is time to let go of your regrets and work on making your marriage stronger.

You could try couples/marriage counseling. This would give you a great opportunity to express your feelings and concerns in a neutral setting, and the counselor would be able to offer suggestions to help improve your relationship. There are also a number of great books, if you're a reader, that will offer some great ideas: His Needs, Her Needs; The Five Love Languages ... and I can't think of any others off the top of my head, but I'm sure someone here will know of others.

Love is much more than a feeling. It is a choice. Think of the positive qualities your wife possesses and compliment them. Serve her. Find things you have in common that you can share and spend quality time together. Work on communication and building positive memories. There are so many things you can do to find and build on your happiness. When you start looking forward and actively seek to improve yourself and actively love your wife with your actions, the regrets will become a thing of the past.

[rameumptom]

The problem is with your misunderstanding of what love truly is. Movies teach us that people "fall" in love. People do not fall in love. They fall into infatuation, attraction, emotion, or even lust. But real love is built, and does not just happen.

Love is a choice and an action, not just a miraculous feeling. Yes, it can include infatuation, attraction, emotion and sexual desire. But those in and of themselves are not love.

Love is something you choose, and then you create and build it. You learn to love by serving, by speaking loving words, by being kind and charitable to your spouse. If you feel nothing for her, it is because you have allowed what little attraction and love to starve to death.

So, choose to love her. Speak to her in loving ways. Treat her special in loving ways. Serve her in loving ways. The love will grow. It will be a real love. And it will be lasting, because you actually built it and chose it. You will have acted, and not been acted upon by an emotion.

[Jennarator]

This is a hard situation to be in. I feel for you. It's too late to mention that you should never let pressure make such a big decision for you. I did, the first time, it ended with abuse. I hope there is none in your situation. Anyways, sounds like you "settled."

I do, however agree with the others. You did make the choice. You need to do you best to sick with it. Counsling, even if just you go, can be helpful.

Love is a choice. There must have been some reason you wanted her back, that fist time. Find good things about her. Treat her as if she is the world to you. Perhaps you will find the love you had once before, when you wanted her back so bad...

[mrmarklin]

You don't say whether you have children or not. If not, I would say move on with your life. If you have children, you should stay for them, and raise them properly.

[Windseeker]

I have a brother in a similar circumstance. Every few months he calls me and asks me how to go about getting a divorce. Being the only one in my family that's gone thru a divorce I'm the resident expert I suppose. He now has a son and now things have gotten worse.

If she is unwilling to discuss your marriage, your relationship, and join you in building and repairing it then it's probably better to move on before you pour gas on the fire by adding a innocent child to the mix. The most important thing in marriage let alone any relationship is forgiveness. That she holds grudges for a long time does not bode well for your future together.

Now we are having serious problems in our marriage. mostly because she does not feel loved enough, and I am having trouble faking it anymore.

Now to you,

What does love mean to her? That's what you need to find out. As many have pointed out, Romantic Love is fleeting, the Love that lasts, the Love my parents have for each other only comes after many battles. Like two ruff stones in a river they eventually rubbed away the ruff edges and learned to work together and support one another as one.

Edited October 20, 2011 by Windseeker

[Blocky]

You have the potential for a wonderful, fulfilling, exciting, love filled marriage. Right now though, you're feeling like you settled for someone who really doesn't ignite that flame of passion in you.

How to fix this? It will take time, maturity, sacrifice, bla bla bla. It's been said. Love is a choice.

Lets say when you two got married the love had never 'disappeared'. Lets say that when you two got married you were madly in love. Most probably you'd have gotten to the point you're at right now, it would have just taken some time. Many spouses fall out of love and have crisis in their marriage. Then, they DECIDE to give it their all, and not just run on the hot sweaty steam that happens when you first fall in love. They decide to focus on all the good things of their spouse. When negative thoughts creep up, they blast them away with positive, they devote themselves to service to their spouse. What happens? They find themselves more deeply in love than they thought possible. Go for it.

Plus, the suggestion to go to some personal counseling is a good one. Most people have ways of thinking that aren't exactly productive or thoughts about life that really aren't how it is. A good psychologist can help you identify what you might have going on that makes it hard for you to get into this marriage 100%.