Support Group For Wives Of Lds Sexual Addicts

[doodlebug]

I am working with LDS Social Services in my area to try and start a message board for the wives of LDS sexual addicts to provide support and understanding and guidance. I am trying to reach women who would be interested in joining. LDS Social Services (at least the one down here) has tried several times to start support groups for the women affected by their husbands' sexual addictions, but it's been hard to get women to come because of family commitments, etc. We are hoping that an online message board will provide women with the chance to log on when they can instead of having to work their schedule around meetings and that it will also allow them to talk anonymously so they may feel more comfortable revealing family "secrets" that have been hurting them for so long.

If you would like information about how to join, please PM me.

[Dr T]

Hello Doodlebug,

It sounds like a great idea! I hope things work for you/them and it is effective. :)

Dr. T

[Winnie G]

Hi doolebug,

As a woman, I would die before even telling someone.

Divorce and run would be more like it. However, that is me and the way I was raised.

I have a cousin who from what family has said is the other spouse.

She received treatment and is a mother of six and a wife of a Minster. Go figure?

A message board would be the way to go, there would be anonymity there.

[Dr T]

I don't see how the anonymity would be different with a message board and an on-line support group. THey are both on-line, not face-to-face and with the group you would have a more "here and now" experience instead of reformulating thoughts before being offered. It seems more real when done in a group in real time.

Dr. T

[doodlebug]

Anonymity is one of the main reasons we are trying this approach :) The message board we have set up is a private one (only members can see the posts) and members are carefully filtered to prevent trolls. We don't ask for any personal identifying information (name, location, etc.). Our biggest problem is trying to let women know this is available since as Winnie stated, most wives would rather suffer through almost anything than tell someone what is going on.

We have a letter we are handing out to bishops in this area for them to give to women who come to them. If there are any bishops on this board that would like a copy of the letter, PM me and I will email it to you :)

[Fiannan]

Here we go again...just what definition can one give that can measure what a sex addict truly is? Sure if the hubby is spending his spare time in the adult bookstore or picking up prostitutes you have a problem. If he's just into sex a lot then count your blessings and remember there's a lot of men who really are like Al Bundy.

Men and women think about sex a lot -- it's normal and natural. I truly hope that people aren't running off and trying to fix labels on what is actually normal behavior.

Personally, I think there may be a biggger problem out there with women raised with so much repression of sexual appitites that this interferes with their marriages than there are men who really, truly are sex addicts in a CLINICAL sense.

[Guest ApostleKnight]

Wow Fiannan, that was a rather strong response. What's the harm in women discussing it online? Even if "they're wrong" about their husband, it's not like the board is a "how-to" for divorce proceedings...just a mutual place for expressing frustrations and perhaps someone would be able to tell another woman, "Honey, you don't know how good you have it. MY husband does x, y and z!"

[Fiannan]

My objection is that many people are trying to create psychological conditions that may exist in a very narrow part of the population, but do not actually apply to many people who are convinced their partner or they themselves have the actual condition. This can create many, many problems out there. People are hung up on a lot of strange things nowadays. Some parents think that if their 4 year old daughter says she prefers to watch women dance on TV and that girls look nicer than boys that their daughter is going to grow up and become a lesbian -- or if their 4 year old son likes to hold hands with boys he must be gay. This just is not the case but so many people are neurotic to the extent that they afix all kinds of ailments based on the flimbsiest of evidence and observations.

[Heather]

All the more better then for them to have a forum where someone can tell them, "By the way, you're completely whacked." :)

[doodlebug]

Addiction involves placing your desire for something above everything else (i.e. family, job). Addiction is a very real problem and addiction experts have said that sexual addiction is harder to overcome than even an addiction to cocaine. An article by Elder Oaks in the May 2005 Ensign states:

"Pornography impairs one’s ability to enjoy a normal emotional, romantic, and spiritual relationship with a person of the opposite sex. It erodes the moral barriers that stand against inappropriate, abnormal, or illegal behavior. As conscience is desensitized, patrons of pornography are led to act out what they have witnessed, regardless of its effects on their life and the lives of others.

Pornography is also addictive. It impairs decision-making capacities and it “hooks” its users, drawing them back obsessively for more and more. A man who had been addicted to pornography and to hard drugs wrote me this comparison: “In my eyes cocaine doesn’t hold a candle to this. I have done both. … Quitting even the hardest drugs was nothing compared to [trying to quit pornography]”" (http://library.lds.org)

While I am sure that there are many cases in which sexual repression causes problems in a relationship, I think that sexual addiction is a huge problem and should not be ignored merely because there are other problems out there. A husband's addiction to pornography does not imply sexual repression on the wife's part. In many cases the addiction was nutured before the couple even met. The pain that wives of sexual addicts have to endure is very real and very destructive. I would much rather have women request help for an addiction that doesn't exist than have women have to go through such a trial without someone to help them through it.

[shanstress70]

My objection is that many people are trying to create psychological conditions that may exist in a very narrow part of the population, but do not actually apply to many people who are convinced their partner or they themselves have the actual condition. This can create many, many problems out there. People are hung up on a lot of strange things nowadays. Some parents think that if their 4 year old daughter says she prefers to watch women dance on TV and that girls look nicer than boys that their daughter is going to grow up and become a lesbian -- or if their 4 year old son likes to hold hands with boys he must be gay. This just is not the case but so many people are neurotic to the extent that they afix all kinds of ailments based on the flimbsiest of evidence and observations.

I totally agree with you, Fiannan. Men are biologically wired to spread their seed to as many females as possible. From what I've heard from men themselves, men think about sex more than just about anything else... if not everything else! Every guy I've ever been close enough to talk about those things with has verified that. And most of my friends throughout the years have been guys.

Let me say that there are freaks out there that should not be given the benefit of the doubt - those who mess around with child pornography and such. But I do think that some of the stuff is harmless... consenting adults looking at consenting adults. Men are more visual and like to look at naked women! It used to be magazines, but now it's the internet... just a different format.

If the worst thing my husband does is look at naked women on the internet, I consider myself lucky! I honestly don't think he does, but who knows? I probably don't want to know because from what I hear, a good majority of guys do. He is a caring, faithful, loving husband and the best father in the world. If he looks at someone else, does that mean he loves me any less?

[sgallan]

Dang, I am in complete agreement with Fin. Surely this has to be an "end times" sign.

[john doe]

All the more better then for them to have a forum where someone can tell them, "By the way, you're completely whacked." :)

Huh. I normally just use this forum to do that.

[Fiannan]

Dang, I am in complete agreement with Fin. Surely this has to be an "end times" sign.

Sgallen, it's happened before. Doubt the world is coming to an end anytime soon.

[Fiannan]

If the worst thing my husband does is look at naked women on the internet, I consider myself lucky! I honestly don't think he does, but who knows? I probably don't want to know because from what I hear, a good majority of guys do. He is a caring, faithful, loving husband and the best father in the world. If he looks at someone else, does that mean he loves me any less?

Shanstress70, this so reminds me of a comment from a boss I had back in college. She and her husband were staunch Catholics -- and there were no divorces in any of their extended family (siblings, children, etc.). They had also been married about 40 years I think. Sometimes the hubby went with the younger men to the local nudie bar. She knew that and once laughed and told me that if one of those attractive young strippers wanted to run off with her husband she was welcomed to him. They had a strong relationship and she knew her husband was devoted to her.

I am so sick and tired of people making it a "crisis" when their husband might be looking at nude women on the net -- or maybe likes sex all the time. Same for wives (but we never hear about that in the Church articles or from the hysterics that exist in every ward) who maybe surf porn sites very occasionally or like to think about or have sex a lot. It's not a crisis most of the time.

[doodlebug]

When your husband is doing things that cause him to lose his priesthood or membership in the church, or lose his job, or commit adultery, it is a crisis. Until you have walked in shoes of a wife of a porn addict, you have no idea what it is like to live through it. It goes way beyond "looking at naked women on the Internet" because of "natural urges". Would you tell the wife of an alcholic that she was overreacting because her husband just likes to get drunk every once in a while??? There are a lot more problems with sexual addiction than you would guess. Grouping anyone who claims that they are dealing with sexual addiction under the heading of "overreactors who must be sexually repressed" is just another punch to the face of women who are dealing with one of the hardest things they have ever had to deal with, made even more difficult by the lack of support available.

[Fiannan]

Look, I realize there are actually people who fit the clinical model for being sexual addicts. I also realize that there are people who THINK they or someone they know might be an addict based on ideas that may be based on certain views of what is right or wrong but do not actually conform to the clinical model.

Let's say my wife looked at some porn on the net occasionally, so what? From a scriptural standpoint it might be wrong -- just like having a glass of wine for her meals or not wearing her garmets but that would hardly be cause for me to seek some sort of professional help. And as long as she is not glancing at the personal ads under threesomes wanted or getting drunk and driving I think the best action would be to love her and show absolute committment! That is what the Gospel is all about -- love the sinner, hate the sin and try to help the other person along -- not call the medics in if it isn't warrented! You ask if a man does something to jeapardize his priesthood then shouldn't that warrent concern. Of course, from a Gospel viewpoint but if he decides not to go to church or to start drinking coffee that can cause problems -- but not problems that require some sort of intervention from people with PhDs or Masters degrees. And if a wife (or husband) starts getting hysterical over these issues perhaps there is something else that might need examination.

[doodlebug]

I don't think you understand the concept behind this idea. Let me see if I can explain it more clearly. We are trying to establish a SUPPORT group for wives of sexual addicts. We are not in any way trying to promote divorce or judge the husbands for their actions. There are no psychiatrists or psychologists. The only professionals that would be included would be counselors through LDS Social Services - counselors who are trained and have the answers that will help these women get deal with the problems in their lives related to this issue.

My husband is the most wonderful man I know. He also has a huge problem that he is now receiving help for. I have seen the enormous difference that the group therapy provided by LDS Social Services has had on him. The addict is not the only one affected by the addiction though - and this is especially true in the case of sexual addiction. Although my husband's addiction began years before we ever met, I have had to work very hard to get over feeling like it's my fault. Having talked to other women going through the same thing (although they didn't know that I knew exactly what they were feeling since I have never told anyone besides our bishops about my husband's addiction), we feel like we must not be fulfilling their needs. Like we aren't pretty enough or sexy enough or trying hard enough. Like we aren't good enough and that is the reason they have to seek sexual gratification elsewhere. You mentioned that perhaps it was caused by sexual repression on the wife's part. Don't you think that each of us have asked ourselves what is wrong with us thousands of times? I have tried everything I can think of and my husband and I have a very healthy sex life. The two are not related, but it is very hard to understand that if you are not a sexual addict - and most wives don't understand that.

It is very hard to deal with the self-esteem issues, but in order to help my husband and family to the best of my ability, I have to. How can I expect to provide him with support when he is going through his hardest times if it emotionally destroys me to hear about them? And sometimes it just helps to talk to someone who understands what you are going through. There have been things that have helped my husband and I and there have been things that have hurt more than helped. If there was a place where people could share the things that have worked for them, hopefully we could minimize the pain these families are going through.

[shanstress70]

Doodlebug, I'm sorry I sounded so cold about this whole thing. I did not mean to suggest that your husband is not a sex addict. I have no idea about your situation and what your husband does/has done, nor do I want to know. Your husband could very well have some serious problems that really do get in the way of his normal life. If so, you totally have my sympathy and I hope you and other women in this situation get all the support you need.

What I'm saying beyond that is that some people, and especially people in the LDS church or other 'stricter' churches, tend to put such a label on people who simply look at nude pics on the web. It is against the rules of your church... yes... but that doesn't mean it's an addiction. Going shopping is against the rules of your church, but many people do it. I put 'nude picture viewing' in this same rule-breaking class, as long as it doesn't affect normal life.

But that's just my two cents! I do wish you well and hope that you and your husband get through this successfully.

[Palerider]

I have to ask.....going shopping is against my religion????

[shanstress70]

I have to ask.....going shopping is against my religion????

Sorry... meant to say "going shopping on Sunday".

[Dr T]

I was wondering which Christian church you belong to where shopping is against it... I know some people that I would encourage to join...

[Palerider]

<div class='quotemain'>

I have to ask.....going shopping is against my religion????

Sorry... meant to say "going shopping on Sunday".

I was hoping you knew something I wasn't aware of......I was almost ready to jump up and scream in celebration....and let my wife know.....NO SHOPPING!!!!!!.......

[shanstress70]

<div class='quotemain'>

<div class='quotemain'>

I have to ask.....going shopping is against my religion????

Sorry... meant to say "going shopping on Sunday".

I was hoping you knew something I wasn't aware of......I was almost ready to jump up and scream in celebration....and let my wife know.....NO SHOPPING!!!!!!.......

YOU WISH!

[Fiannan]

What I'm saying beyond that is that some people, and especially people in the LDS church or other 'stricter' churches, tend to put such a label on people who simply look at nude pics on the web. It is against the rules of your church... yes... but that doesn't mean it's an addiction. Going shopping is against the rules of your church, but many people do it. I put 'nude picture viewing' in this same rule-breaking class, as long as it doesn't affect normal life.

Couldn't have said it better myself. :)