Casetiel Posted November 30, 2011 Report Share Posted November 30, 2011 So, me and my lady friend have been dating for a few months, nothing too serious. I was helping her with a college paper and saw that when she checked her email, she had maybe 5 emails from her old boyfriend, who's on a mission at the moment. She isn't interested in him anymore, and I asked her to actually tell him that they're done, but she doesn't reply to anything he writes at all. I'm pretty sure he expects her to be there when he comes hime in a year, and he doesn't even know about me, as far as I can tell. So, I feel kind of bad about his predicament, and I don't want to make any enemies in my ward, so I ask... should I feel badly? What can I do? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 30, 2011 Report Share Posted November 30, 2011 Tricky ground here, sailor. Does she know you read her email? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Casetiel Posted November 30, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 30, 2011 No, I was helping her with schoolwork and she pulled up her email to check if there were any other assignments:lol:. I just glanced and saw maybe 5 emails from the poor guy. I'm relatively new to the ward, but I have no desire for people to not like me=/ I told her that she should tell him about me, but she won't listen. She's pretty much stopped replying to all his emails, but that's kind of a crappy way to go about this. Advice? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 30, 2011 Report Share Posted November 30, 2011 Well, I've been in her place. You say you're not too serious yet. When she has a reason to cut him loose for good, she will. I can tell you my thought process when my husband and I were starting to date and I had a missionary out. I didn't want to distract him from his work. I honestly didn't want to put all my eggs in one basket before having plenty of reason to do so. I didn't want all the people who said I'd never wait to be right . Then things did get serious with DH and I realized it was probably going somewhere. It took me awhile to think through and figure out how to tell the missionary. Writing him felt hypocritical, so I just stopped. Then I got a letter from him stating that the worrying about not hearing from me was what was distracting him, so I finally wrote him and told him I'd been seeing someone and I didn't know for sure where it was going, but we were seeing a lot of each other. I got a nasty letter back and that was the end of that. :) Right now it sounds like you just need to step back and let things go how they will. Until you have some kind of ironclad commitment (you've agreed to be exclusive and that you're headed for marriage), you don't really have place to tell her when or how to handle things with her missionary. Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Casetiel Posted November 30, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 30, 2011 OK thanks so much Eowyn. My problem is more that I don't want this guy to come back after she stops writing him at all and find me here. I really don't want to make any enemies here, but I guess it isn't my business yet. Thanks again=D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applepansy Posted November 30, 2011 Report Share Posted November 30, 2011 You're only dating. You really don't have a right ask her to do anything about the missionary. If you don't like how she's behaving toward the missionary all you can really do is stop dating her. If you want the relationship to go forward then you have to be honest with her. "Jane, if we are going to continue dating I would like to know that whatever relationship you have with Elder Jones is resolved so we can move forward." If she refuses. You're back to deciding if you want to continue dating. The reality is its really none of your business at this point. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMinja Posted November 30, 2011 Report Share Posted November 30, 2011 Well, it's completely up to her how to handle it. You may be dating her- but this isn't something for you to decide. You may feel that she isn't handling it the best way, but you're not her and your not her ex-boyfriend either. Trying to decide how she should approach contact with him for her is overstepping your bounds. If you were married... it'd be a different story. But as just her boyfriend, you don't really have much say in the matter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Casetiel Posted November 30, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 30, 2011 OK thanks everyone, I'll let her handle it=) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dreams_Of_Deutschland Posted January 3, 2012 Report Share Posted January 3, 2012 I think it is interesting that Cahoots was told her email is none of his business. If the shoe were on the other foot, and the g/f had seen similar evidence from Cahoots, would Cahoots be labeled a cheater? I think so. My experience with this sort of thing is that some LDS ladies feel that you start a relationship in order to date- not the other way around. With this backwards viewpoint in play, the feeling seems to be that men are cheaters if they don't commit before the first date! Just my experience speaking... Auf Wiedersehen! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMinja Posted January 3, 2012 Report Share Posted January 3, 2012 I think it is interesting that Cahoots was told her email is none of his business. If the shoe were on the other foot, and the g/f had seen similar evidence from Cahoots, would Cahoots be labeled a cheater? I think so.My experience with this sort of thing is that some LDS ladies feel that you start a relationship in order to date- not the other way around. With this backwards viewpoint in play, the feeling seems to be that men are cheaters if they don't commit before the first date! Just my experience speaking... Auf Wiedersehen!While I understand your sentiments and can't speak for all women, I personally feel that cheating is not possible when no commitment has been made. Even if two people date often enough that they would consider themselves a couple, I feel that neither is in any position of authority to decide if the other can see/date/communicate with others of the opposite gender. This idea that dating multiple people makes one a cheater or a player is something I consider a problem with the modern dating world. Only once a pair has made an engagement could either be considered a "cheater". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 3, 2012 Report Share Posted January 3, 2012 I think it is interesting that Cahoots was told her email is none of his business. If the shoe were on the other foot, and the g/f had seen similar evidence from Cahoots, would Cahoots be labeled a cheater? I think so.My experience with this sort of thing is that some LDS ladies feel that you start a relationship in order to date- not the other way around. With this backwards viewpoint in play, the feeling seems to be that men are cheaters if they don't commit before the first date! Just my experience speaking... Auf Wiedersehen!Uhm, I don't know how you could label someone a cheater when someone receives an email from an ex-. Male or female. If that was the case and I had a stalker ex-bf who won't leave me alone, I'd be labeled a cheater. Creepy.Anyway, the thing about the ladies wanting their men to commit before the first date - I don't see that in my town. But then, I didn't date, so what do I know... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dreams_Of_Deutschland Posted January 3, 2012 Report Share Posted January 3, 2012 Agreed, JudoMinja ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dravin Posted January 3, 2012 Report Share Posted January 3, 2012 (edited) While I understand your sentiments and can't speak for all women, I personally feel that cheating is not possible when no commitment has been made. Even if two people date often enough that they would consider themselves a couple, I feel that neither is in any position of authority to decide if the other can see/date/communicate with others of the opposite gender. This idea that dating multiple people makes one a cheater or a player is something I consider a problem with the modern dating world. Only once a pair has made an engagement could either be considered a "cheater".While it doesn't really change your sentiments people can commit to exclusivity before engagement. I'd consider a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship in which exclusivity has been agreed upon to be an environment in which one can cheat. So I'd just shift your line of engagement back to exclusivity (and not all relationships make an 'exclusivity step'). Of course assumptions of commitments and emotional attachments make the reality messier then the premeditated supposition. Edited January 3, 2012 by Dravin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwen Posted January 3, 2012 Report Share Posted January 3, 2012 It is up to her to decide how to handle what to tell him and when. I understand from your position why you would want her to cut it off but you don't know where this guy is or what it would do to him right now on his mission to get such news... especially if y'all aren't serious. She will know best what to do and when and what is best for her. On the other hand if y'all are that serious and you are reading the situation right, then this may be a red flag to you. You are getting a chance to see how she deals with difficult situations/conversations. She isn't being forward with him and may not be forward with you every time something uncomfortable comes along. Is that a trait you can live with in a partner? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMinja Posted January 3, 2012 Report Share Posted January 3, 2012 Dravin, the assumptions do make things very messy, and I've made it a point to inform the few people I've dated my views on dating early, specifically to avoid this miscommunication or hurt feelings. Sometimes, there is still an assumption that I won't date anyone but them though... no matter how clear I try to be. Assumptions are the biggest danger in a relationship and cause far more emotional hurt than any actual problems. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bini Posted January 4, 2012 Report Share Posted January 4, 2012 Applepansy, agreed.I'd continue to date casually. And date lots of people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jayanna Posted January 4, 2012 Report Share Posted January 4, 2012 I have found that there are some regional practices that are different. For example when I went off to college I dated a lot of people, They knew I was dating other people, and I usually dated like 3 people at a time. It was no big deal really. When I came back to my home town later I tell people this and they are shocked, gasp!gasp!gasp! She is a loose woman, they think Around here if you date you are practically married, one date and you are basically going steady. If you don't stop dating you get engaged, and unless something happens and you break up (and you had better have a good reason to break up or you will get a bad reputation) you get married. So, you go on a date and you're practically married. This is why I'm so reluctant to have my daughters date here, well, that and there are hardly any young men who are LDS much less missionary types... and to be honest I would rather they marry someone in the temple and not have to go through a lot of tough times marrying and then hoping the husband will eventually convert and go to the temple later. That's what I did, and while it did turn out great at the moment, there were years of hard waiting and tears. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FunnySheila Posted January 4, 2012 Report Share Posted January 4, 2012 How do you all date more than one person at a time? I'd find it too confusing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMinja Posted January 4, 2012 Report Share Posted January 4, 2012 How do you all date more than one person at a time? I'd find it too confusing.Fairly easily, actually. :) Just keep things simple and open with everyone you date- no big commitments or serious intimacy. Remember, dating is supposed to be about finding a potential spouse, and what better way to identify likes and dislikes, as well as get an understanding of what expectatins are reasonable and which are over the top, than by having multiple people to compare?My sister was a great example of this growing up- she was always going on dates. I, personally, was too focused on school and wasn't interested in anyone enough to date them. But I could never keep track of all the guys my sister was going on dates with. She never got serious with any of them, though a lot of them wanted to get serious with her. Unfortunately, this meant a lot of broken hearts on the part of the guys, but as far as I know they've all recovered and moved on, and my sister maintained her standards. Things got a little bit messier when she was in college and ready to make a choice on someone to marry- she had to write a Dear John letter to a missionary she'd been writing, ended up disappointing a guy who proposed to her by changing her mind to a no after she'd said yes, and had several guys she interacted with in many different "dating" settings, before she finally settled on one.I've always admired her ability to put herself out there, see multiple people, and know what she wanted. While I certainly haven't dated anywhere near as many people as she has, I have no problem keeping things simple and going on dates with a number of different guys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bini Posted January 4, 2012 Report Share Posted January 4, 2012 (edited) DELETE. Sorry, I got two pages running, one on my iPhone and one on the computer. This post was meant for the Parenting forum. Edited January 4, 2012 by Bini Wrong thread. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gomormons Posted January 8, 2012 Report Share Posted January 8, 2012 Dude, she is still up for game. You know people cancel there engagements then then go for someone else. So what i am saying is that until it is serious you can't really say much about that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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