My husband changed after marriage.

Recommended Posts

If your husband was mainly "physically" attracted to you before you married....well, if something has changed, i.e. your weight or....., that could affect the way he is acting toward you. Not saying that is right, but it happens.....

She said he started treating her differently a week after they got married. I doubt she could gain enough in a week to suddenly make her unattractive. :rolleyes:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As a guy my wife complains that I swing back and forth between being close and distant. It usually has to do with the level of stress I have. When I worry about life then I withdraw into my mind trying to sort things out and don't even realize I have become distant. Sometimes I am not even aware that I am having stress at first and that makes it hard to combat. On my side I find my wife has her own stress points that cause similar issues.

What works for us is in the 7 habits of highly successful families by Steven R Covey (church member but not written for the church) His section on love being both verb and noun help us a great deal. As long as one of us clues in and beginning to love the other no matter what then it pulls the other around within a couple of weeks we are back to closeness again.

I find his reasoning hard to believe that you overheard. I know of no man who has ever thought that way. While I know of some that prefer the hunt over the catch I don't no of any that would no longer have an interest.

If it helps men normally are more stimulated visually then by mood or setting. Which alas makes us less resistant to pornography then Women.

Hope some of this helps.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Maybe he is feeling a bit smothered? Do you have interests outside of the home? I was thinking that if you have other interests, maybe volunteer somewhere, join a zumba class, or just do something you really really enjoy, let life light you up! Let him see the vibrant woman he married.

He seems like a person that would rather look outward than inward.

My hubby recently gave me a picture that describes his idea of us. It was two labs sitting together on a beach and looking out at the world, while my picture would have us looking at each other with being oblivious to the world. My hubby is extroverted, I am introverted. He wants to enjoy the world with me, while I want us to be the world. Being in my idea would make him feel trapped, lonely, and depressed with a good heap of resentment for forcing him into it. Being in his world means I feel unwanted and neglected. We have to be very careful to balance the two, and so do you. Once the two of you figure this out, you will both be much happier.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I do not know how a person can change themselves to not care if they are touched anymore. A bigger clue to his thoughts is the talk he had about how the idea of sex was exciting when it was forbidden. This would be a huge red flag to me. Think about it. What is forbidden to him now? Well its not you. Its other women. It is my opinion, and mind I might well be wrong, that you both need more than a book to read. You have got to talk to him about the idea that being married is not exciting because it is not forbidden. A counselor might not be a bad idea.

My husband says to find a divorce lawyer.

Edited by annewandering
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Once again, all of your advice has meant the world to me. After reading everything, I went up to him and had an incredibly long discussion. I started out by saying how I over heard him talking about the "forbidden" thing, I asked him if that really was the case. He said yea, "every guy is like that, all we do is think about sex, now that I have it, it's great and all but it's just not that exciting anymore". I then mentioned how before we were married he was incredibly touchy feely, if we were in a room we were always sitting next to each other, holding hands etc. I reminded him how to everyone else he was known as the touchy feely guy because he's just a big teddy bear and is always hugging people etc. He agreed with me on all of that. Then I said "that isn't the case anymore, ever since we got married it's like you turned into a completely different person, before we were married you had that NEED to touch, and now you don't, so you HAVE to be fulfilling your needs somehow..whether that be porn, or thinking about other women, or talking to other women, or being gay, or pleasing yourself, etc. a person just doesn't all of a sudden have zero needs to feel loved, I understand you transferring them to something else but I don't see you fulfilling ANY needs with me!" He was completely baffled that I even thought he could be watching porn, or gay etc. He was like "I promise you none of that is happening". I continued to say "then how are you fulfilling your needs?" He didn't have any straightforward answer, he "didn't know" he just said "we are married, everything is just so chill, I dunno!" and then...he was like " I shouldn't tell you this but even before we were married you never really gave me butterflies, or excite me when you walk in a room. That's what took me a while to ask you out, is it was different with you. I love you, I knew I wanted to be with you forever, and I wanted you to raise my kids, but I just never got the butterfly feeling like I did with other girls, and I liked that."

I just didn't even know how to take that. I'm ALL about those butterfly feelings...I STILL get that with him. I get so excited when he enters a room etc. and I THOUGHT he felt that way about me, at least he made me feel like that's how he felt. I now feel like it's unfair that he didn't tell me that before we got married. Maybe that's a part of why I don't feel loved....he's not touchy feely anymore, he doesn't miss me when I'm gone, he's just so CHILL! I just don't even know what to think anymore, I love him, but I don't feel loved BY him. That was a huge factor in me loving him before we were married, he made me feel so loved, like I was the only girl in HIS world. I feel like I'm just living with a brother now, instead of someone that loves me in a marriage kind of way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm sorry to hear that. It sucks when you are told the truth and it's not what you wanted to hear. The good thing is that he's honest with you. He's not hiding around and lying to you. The fact is that true love isn't all about the butterflies. It can include butterflies, but it doesn't MEAN anything (like a sign or something) if you don't feel them. I remember after 3 years with my boyfriend, I didn't feel all twitterpated anymore. We just got comfortable. It wasn't bad though, but I agree it was like a let-down from what I thought it would be. My current boyfriend is better, but he isn't magically different or anything; he just works to CREATE a more exciting feeling with me. He will "woo" me and do those little extra fun romantic things. He chooses to do them, I'm sure it would be easy to get comfortable. You sometimes do have to fake it 'till you make it. Create a situation or setting that makes you kind of giddy. If you look around and see other people in that honeymoon stage, don't be jealous. People don't make it to 50 still completely enamored with their spouse. But they love them. Love each other. Figure out what that means for your relationship.

Put in simpler terms, you guys are coming off a 'high' and need to reestablish what you're looking for in being together and start that change of mind! You can be happy together and reinvent yourselves whenever you want. It's your choice.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hahnzee, every guy is NOT like that. Whenever I hear someone say "every guy/girl is like that", I'm hearing an excuse. He believes every guy is like that, because that's what HE thinks and feels, so to him that's just the way it is. I'm still concerned that his real interest in being touchy feely and having sex was because it was "forbidden". That is not a good mindset to have. It sounds like he is being very honest and open with you, which is a very good thing, but only finding something exciting because it is forbidden could still very well eventually lead to trouble.

From what you're describing, one thing about your husband kind of sounds like my dad- that chill attitude of "there's not really a problem or I'm not doing anything wrong, so there's no reason for you to be upset" attitude. My dad struggles with acknowledging peoples feelings and that's caused some rough patches in my parents marraige. He is very stubbornly righteous, and I admire him for that, so there's never been any issues with cheating or porn or anything like that- but sometimes my mother gets nervous about it when my dad puts himself in situations where it COULD become a problem, or when he seems to be paying more attention to other women than to my mother. When she expresses her concern, my dad's response is basically "nothing's happening, I wouldn't do that, so that's it", but my mom gets upset because he is not acknowledging her feelings.

I think your hubby is like my dad in that respect, and aside from him not feeling the same way you do with the butterflies and all, that is probably what is frustrating you the most, yes? That unfortunately will probably never change. My dad is in his fifties now, and an attitude like that only seems to settle in deeper with age. Your best bet in that regard is marriage counseling, so that you can learn to recognize the things he does do to acknowledge your feelings. How he shows you he cares and notices in different ways, and try not to let his noncholance about this bother you.

As for the butterflies- it's okay that he doesn't feel them. You will eventually hit a point where you don't feel the butterflies either. They go away. That feeling isn't really love, though it does help foster and create it. I can definitely understand what you mean about seeing him show an interest in you helping build your interest in him. That's usually what starts butterflies about a guy with me- if he does something to show an interest in me, my interest gets piqued and I start getting that emotional relationship high. Its funny how someone being interested in you can have such a strong effect, creating your own interest in them in return. But rest assured that just because there are no "butterflies" on his end, that doesn't mean he is not interested in you. He needs to work on this whole idea of the "forbidden" being exciting, but he wouldn't have married you, said he wanted to be with you forever, and have you raise his kids (especially without that butterfly feeling) if he didn't feel some sense of love and interest in and for you.

I really think marriage counseling sounds like a good idea- to help you guys reconnect and come to understand these things that went unsaid while you were dating. As does finding ways to spice things up and make your marriage more "exciting", to try and get your husband's mind off the forbidden aspect. It sounds like you two have a pretty open communication system, and that is great! Keep it up. Talk things out, work on understanding where you both stand emotionally as individuals and toward each other. Work on maintaining the romance together. I have faith in the two of you and think that as you work on understanding and expressing your love for one another that you will draw closer than ever, with time and patience.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

President Hinkley's advice: “I am satisfied that happiness in marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion. Any man who will make his wife’s comfort his first concern will stay in love with her throughout their lives and through the eternity yet to come”

Happily married for nearly 67 years.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.