Righteous Anger?

[RipplecutBuddha]

Okay, I'd like to consider myself a pretty laid-back guy. It's been five years since I've come unhinged on someone, if my memory serves me well (and it might not...).

At any rate, the situation, I've been working with someone who has been griping about work since day one. They didn't listen to any of their training, argued with their trainer from the start, did things their own way, then griped about how nobody 'does anything right'. The quality of their work is inconsistent, and not according to the rules. They are a hard worker and dependable, but hard dependable work in the wrong direction....anyway, I digress.

At the same time this person will brag about how good they are, and how much experience they have in better facilities than ours....how they're 'professional' instead of what we provide.

What really grated at me is how this person would brag about not only how much money they make from other situations away from work, but on how much they spend on things like watches in the multiples of dozens and shoes in the hundreds of pairs....clearly indicating they don't really 'need' this job anyway.

Yet every shift I worked with this person, they gripe...and moan...and complain....about stuff I not only really don't care about, but stuff I couldn't affect if I did care because I'm not a manager in any way.

So, during a particularly busy moment, I just lost it. I didn't get violent, or crude...I just repeatedly said (in a clearly angry raised tone of voice) they were talking to the wrong person, that I was sick of their gas, and would they please just leave. Unfortunately, this occured in front of some guests, but I was cornered, and had nowhere else to go physically.

Now, after I did so, and they left, I was shaking for a few minutes (I abhor confrontations, as I'm not comfortable with the adrenaline rush that comes with being consumed by anger..I'm just not good at controlling myself). So I composed a letter of the event for the manager to read, and since he's due back from vacation in a few days, I get to joyfully worry about what will happen next.

I'm not the only one frustrated by this person, but it seems I'm the first in a while to react to it in such a way. Not many other co-workers have anything positive to say for this person, including the assistant manager, and the desk clerk that trained me so many years back. I've tried to look on the positive side, but it seems I've either reached my limits, or I dropped my guard too soon.

On the one hand, I felt far more relaxed and calm having gotten almost a year's worth of frustration off my chest in one heave. On the other hand, I feel that I've let myself down all the same. I know there was obviously a better way to handle it, but how much must I take? Maybe I should have confronted the person much sooner instead of letting things build, but at the same time, it was generally small stuff to me that I typically let go pretty easily. I'm praying about it, but outside perspectives are welcome.

Thank you in advance.

Edited January 27, 2012 by RipplecutBuddha

[Guest]

That's the problem with outbursts of anger. No matter how "righteous", it always looks bad on you. An outburst always carry a negative consequence, regardless of the circumstance, especially in the workplace.

I have a major anger management problem. I have learned time and time again that even if I am completely right and the other person completely wrong, I will always be the "bad one" when I get to the point of an outburst. It's a common thing we see everywhere - even in presidential debates - the guy that gets angry, no matter how right, loses. The real issue always sinks to the bottom because the issue of the outburst becomes the headline.

The best way is always to have a strong reign on that anger. Always maintain professionalism in the workplace. Always.

[jayanna]

I have tried in the past few years to go with, "it is more important to be kind than it is to be right."

I have a problem with teachers instructing with false doctrine. It has happened several times, and I try and try to just sit there, but I just can't. After maybe a comment or two trying to get class back on the manual, I kinda give up. Okay so some things that got taught were not only out of some random philosphy book, but activities were planned around it, and it was being used to ostracize some members of the ward....okay...everyone knows that's wrong. I had a problem with it. Some very wrong things were said, and taught. I got a little angry about it, but stayed calm, and told the bishop how I felt after letting the people involved know, with no result but a roll of the eyes.

Well, somehow, the Stake Pres. found out. He had a talk with the bishop and the book that was being used stopped being used, but everyone thought it was me that spoke with the SP. People were a little hot about it, and I got some cold shoulders, and not a little mentioning of sustaining church leaders, etc. The bishop questioned me about it, and I distinctly felt that he did not believe me.

Yes, I could have been angry about the whole thing of it, 1. wrong things being taught 2. I try to be proactive and up front about it, with no result 3. I'm told I'm not sustaining church leaders 4. The SP agreed that it shouldn't be taught 5. why are they more worried about who told than they are sorry for teaching that dumb crap? 6. why treat me that way when they should be apologizing?

Eventually, I did meet with the SP. He told me that there is always going to be someone to be the gum in the works...opposition in ALL things. He said that while there is something called righteous indignation, this is not the time for it. He even told me who it was that told him about the book and lessons...it was the Stake RS Pres !! And then he told me something that I need to be better about. He said that whatever gets taught wrong, no matter who is teaching it to whom, I should take notes and study it up, so when it is my turn to teach that I will know what is right and what is wrong. I can turn this situation into a learning experience, thwarting the plans of the adversary. Then he told me to let those with authority deal with false teachings, it is not my concern even if I am sitting in the class.

You can tell if your loss of templer is righteous indignation by what is produced by it. Did it improve or destroy relationships with those involved, or those affected? Here is a good source, though I think you mostly have a handle on your temper, but if you apply some of the things in this article, it might help you know what to do in your work situation: Tempering Our Tempers - Liahona Feb. 2008 - liahona

This article describes righteous anger and who to tell, and how to deal, mostly about parenting, but relationships anyway : Dealing with Anger and Contention - Ensign Sept. 1988 - ensign

I hope things work out better for you. I, too, have been at the wrong end of some else's emotional issues at work, they tend to be ongoing, and relentless with little closure.

Explain to your superiors that the fellow co-worker's insuboordinate attitude and negative remarks are causing a hostile work enviornment, and let them deal with it.

Edited January 29, 2012 by jayanna

[JudoMinja]

It sounds like you let your frustrations build to long and should have dealt with it sooner, so you wouldn't have an outburst- but it's already happened and there isn't anything you can do about that. The letter sounds like a good idea, and I would make sure to include in the letter an apology for your outburst. You can explain the problems with the other employee and why the outburst ended up happening, but let them know that you know you were wrong as well.

This sounds like the kind of situation that is going to end up with that other employee eventually being terminated, but there's no way to know for sure how long it will be before that happens. Until then, it would be a good idea to come up with a strategy to help you better deal with the annoyance, so that you don't have to worry about having another outburst. You could come up with a list of phrases you can use to redirect the complaints, hopefully giving this person the hint that it needs to stop or be told to someone other than you. Same with the bragging.

My typically response is to ignore people like the one you're dealing with now, but if ignoring is causing so much tension that you end up losing control, ignoring is not the best option. You need to start nipping it in the bud, putting a stop to all those little things that are just too much when added all together. Your relationship with your fellow employee probably won't be great, and he'll likely add you to the list of things he complains about, but you're not aiming to have a good relationship- you're aiming to have a more comfortable work environment.

If he starts complaining/bragging about things that have nothing to do with work, some possible phrases might be:

"Focus on your work."

"You can deal with that after you clock out."

"I'm no expert in ___ and I have work to do, so ask/tell someone else."

"Please don't bring your drama to work."

etc.

If it is something to do with work that you have no control over:

"Why don't you suggest/tell that to the supervisor?"

"I don't have a problem with it."

"That's not going to change, so cope with it and do your work."

etc.

If you address all the little things before they build-up, you'll be more likely to be able to handle it calmly and maintain control of your faculties. Best of luck to you, and I hope the majority of the problems get resolved when the manager returns. I don't think you will need to worry about your own position, since your outburst was aggravated and you have the support of so many co-workers who agree that this individual is making the work environment tense and hostile for everyone. You're hard work and including the apology in the letter will also help with your standing in the eyes of management. I really think you will be fine and that the other person will eventually be the one terminated.

[Dove]

Hello, RCB;

Wow, it sounds like you are in a difficult situation altogether. Sorry to hear that you have to deal with this person often at work.

So, I am rooting for you and am on your side. Please don't take anything I say as a jab or put down, just my honest .02 cents worth.....

First of all, confronting him in front of guests, did you say? As you probably already realize, that is a pretty big no no.... Other than that, I don't agree with you confronting him at all. Most of what he is doing/complaining/whining/boasting about really has nothing to do with you and is really none of your business. However, if you find it difficult to be around and that it keeps you from doing your job, that is your business. I wouldn't confront him, as he could feel attacked by you and try to attack you back, or maybe feel really hurt and what an awkward situation it would create. I would go directly to his boss/manager/supervisor (or yours) and express how difficult it is to be around him with his negative attitude. Let them handle the confrontation and possible disciplinary actions.

Lastly, don't be too hard on yourself. Yeah, I am concerned that you confronted him in front of your guests. But that more so because I'm worried about disciplinary action taken against you for doing so rather than your co-worker getting the action that needs to be given. However, a lot of people are probably aware of his problems. That means more understanding/patience/compassion will be given to you as a result. Honestly, a lot of variables will probably be taken into consideration when the manager hears what happened. I don't know, but would like to think so..

Regardless, when I'm in a difficult waiting period, personal prayer asking for guidance and comfort really do help.

The best

Dove

[Asriel_Belacqua]

I really like what JudoMinja (midget-ninja, no?) said. It really does sound like you let it build up too long, and when that happens people tend to let go. No matter how non-confrontational they are.

The little phrases he gave were also great suggestions/starting points. Another thing might be, if your employer provides some sort of counseling to employees, to take advantage of that and maybe blow off some steam to a third party that has no vested interest in anything other than your emotional health.

Lastly, if all things fail, you could quietly go to your manager (or assistant manager) and note the disturbances and say that they are adversely effecting your ability to work and possibly the ability of others to work as well.

[Over43]

There really is no such thing as "righteous anger". I saw someone in Elder's Quorum once throw a tantrum in the name of righteous anger. A fit is a fit. He could just of easily asked everyone to make a better effort on their home teaching. He didn't need all of the hysterionics. Anyway, I try to keep my cool, and usually I'm alright.

[RipplecutBuddha]

Thank you, everyone, for the great comments.

For the record, the workspace we have is pretty small, so constant contact is usually the norm with co-workers. The good news is we had a much more calm talk after a day or two, and I think we got some basic stuff hammered out, namely that my authority (or lack thereof to be more specific) prevents me from being able to do anything about most of what upsets them, and after a while it just annoys me to hear it.

We just finished another shift together and things went much more smoothly. Some of the old behavior is still there, but I'm not expecting a full compliance to my will. After all, I probably do some pretty annoying things myself. All in all I can live with things as they are now.

As for the blowup in public, yeah it was wrong, and I felt bad about it right away. I should have taken the time to walk them into a back room and still kept calm while I explained myself, but lessons learned I suppose. The manager will show up today, so if something comes of it, it's more likely now.

I'm resolved to accept whatever happens. I thank you again for the comments and opinions. You helped more than you know.

[Blackmarch]

Okay, I'd like to consider myself a pretty laid-back guy. It's been five years since I've come unhinged on someone, if my memory serves me well (and it might not...).

At any rate, the situation, I've been working with someone who has been griping about work since day one. They didn't listen to any of their training, argued with their trainer from the start, did things their own way, then griped about how nobody 'does anything right'. The quality of their work is inconsistent, and not according to the rules. They are a hard worker and dependable, but hard dependable work in the wrong direction....anyway, I digress.

At the same time this person will brag about how good they are, and how much experience they have in better facilities than ours....how they're 'professional' instead of what we provide.

What really grated at me is how this person would brag about not only how much money they make from other situations away from work, but on how much they spend on things like watches in the multiples of dozens and shoes in the hundreds of pairs....clearly indicating they don't really 'need' this job anyway.

Yet every shift I worked with this person, they gripe...and moan...and complain....about stuff I not only really don't care about, but stuff I couldn't affect if I did care because I'm not a manager in any way.

So, during a particularly busy moment, I just lost it. I didn't get violent, or crude...I just repeatedly said (in a clearly angry raised tone of voice) they were talking to the wrong person, that I was sick of their gas, and would they please just leave. Unfortunately, this occured in front of some guests, but I was cornered, and had nowhere else to go physically.

Now, after I did so, and they left, I was shaking for a few minutes (I abhor confrontations, as I'm not comfortable with the adrenaline rush that comes with being consumed by anger..I'm just not good at controlling myself). So I composed a letter of the event for the manager to read, and since he's due back from vacation in a few days, I get to joyfully worry about what will happen next.

I'm not the only one frustrated by this person, but it seems I'm the first in a while to react to it in such a way. Not many other co-workers have anything positive to say for this person, including the assistant manager, and the desk clerk that trained me so many years back. I've tried to look on the positive side, but it seems I've either reached my limits, or I dropped my guard too soon.

On the one hand, I felt far more relaxed and calm having gotten almost a year's worth of frustration off my chest in one heave. On the other hand, I feel that I've let myself down all the same. I know there was obviously a better way to handle it, but how much must I take? Maybe I should have confronted the person much sooner instead of letting things build, but at the same time, it was generally small stuff to me that I typically let go pretty easily. I'm praying about it, but outside perspectives are welcome.

Thank you in advance.

Rightious anger: 99.9999% of the time it's an excuse.