going back to church

[newbirth]

I have a small family, my wife, and 3 children. I was divorced before of 20 years, with 6 kids. I was very active in the church, up until the last few years before the divorce. Though I have tried to go back, I have never felt comfortable being there.

I still want to go back. My wife is not a member, however, she is willing to be supportive. I love her for that. Every time we try to go back, it is like the ward is ice cold towards our family, and we feel horribly neglected. They make promises they don't keep, like getting us home teachers and getting my wife a visiting teacher. In the 2 years we've been in this ward, the ht has visited once.

I understand all the ins and outs of the people of the church, really I do. I was in it for over 20 years, having been a convert at 22 years of age. Here I am 30 years later, having sustained many significant battle wounds, wanting to go back, but having no idea how to break that barrier of feeling unwanted.

Many years ago I belonged to a ward that was loving and embraced new comers as family. My wife went to a cookie baking social last December, and she said she was treated so coldly, it was horrible. She said she understood why I won't take my family there. She also said it would have been easier on our family if they were warm to her, which they were not.

I asked the bishop of the ward a year ago if there was a 'do not contact' stamped on my record. He said there was no such thing. Then I asked him how come we were being treated so harshly, so cold? We had been going regularly for 3 months, and were feeling completely shunned. How horrible was that? I did everything I could to be a part, helping where I could, being friendly, going to the meetings, socials, etc, but to no avail.

Now I know a lot of you are going to want to give me the preachy answers. I would prefer to hear from the mature adults who understand life and people and relationships, and family, and disfunctional wards. The gospel is true to the betterment of mankind. It's the people who screw it all up. Just because the gospel is true to the betterment of mankind doesn't mean I can put my family in a disfunctional ward and look the other way. I can't do that. My kids are too little to understand, and my wife, bless her heart, is human and gets just as offended as the next person.

any suggestions?

[JudoMinja]

Unfortunately there really are just some very disfunctional wards out there, and there isn't really much you can do about it, because you cannot change other people- you can only change yourself. I feel for you. I've grown up a member of the church and my father was in the military, so I've been to a number of different wards. Most of them are absolutely wonderful, but there are those bad apples. And even in the great ones there are going to be a few people who just make life difficult.

It can be especially difficult when your life doesn't fit the "norm". I, for example, have recently been dealing with feeling ostrasized at church. I am a single parent of a small child, and we recently started a single's branch in our area. This means that if I continue going to my same ward, I'm basically the only single person there, and due to ward dynamics I'm also one of the only "poor" members. I was dealing with it fine, until the only sister who really took the time to befriend me moved.

Since then, I'd been helping in the nursery instead of going to my classes until my mother suggested I take my son to the nursery of the ward that meets before the singles branch, so that he would be in nursery while I attended the singles branch sacrament. I decided to give it a try, but because I cannot stay after sacrament and everyone knows I have a child because I bring him to the family home evening activities, I tend to get treated coldly by several of the other singles.

Despite it all, I decided I'm not there to make friends. I'm there to learn from the talks/lessons, partake of the sacrament, draw closer to God, and when possible to what I can to help others in my ward. I decided to transfer my records to the singles branch, because I am better able to focus on the sacrament talks, get some quiet time to read my scriptures before it starts, and it is a smaller group so even though it's hard to get along with some of them it is easier for me to find opportunities to try and break barriers and be of service.

We recently had a special broadcast in my area from the General Relief Society President Sister Beck where she shared a story that really hit home for me. She told us about a young lady who moved to a new ward. She was a single parent, and when her records were transferred and she was introduced to the sisters in her Relief Society meeting the leadership commented that she was another one of "those" single parents and they didn't really need another one of "those". While this was certainly a cold and hurtful comment, especially coming from a member in a leadership position, this sister determined that she was going to put forth the effort to change the ward perception of single parents and overcome the negative labelling. She paid close attention to the announcements and the help lists that would get passed around, and she lept upon every opportunity to be of service to the other members of the ward. She made meals, visited people in the hospital, signed up for babysitting, etc. and eventually had an amazing effect on the members of her ward through her service and even became the Relief Society President.

No matter your circumstances, no matter how others treat you, it is you who will determine the outcome of your experiences. You must decide how you are going to respond to the coldness and what you are going to do to overcome being shunned. Remember that Christ himself was shunned and mistreated, and his response was nothing more than to continue serving with meekness and kindness. Perhaps the ward isn't meant to be there for you right now- you are meant to be there for the ward.

This is something I personally will be striving to work on, and whether I make an impact on others or not I know that my own character will have grown and become stronger and better for my efforts.

[LDSJewess]

I have a small family, my wife, and 3 children. I was divorced before of 20 years, with 6 kids. I was very active in the church, up until the last few years before the divorce. Though I have tried to go back, I have never felt comfortable being there.

I still want to go back. My wife is not a member, however, she is willing to be supportive. I love her for that. Every time we try to go back, it is like the ward is ice cold towards our family, and we feel horribly neglected. They make promises they don't keep, like getting us home teachers and getting my wife a visiting teacher. In the 2 years we've been in this ward, the ht has visited once.

I understand all the ins and outs of the people of the church, really I do. I was in it for over 20 years, having been a convert at 22 years of age. Here I am 30 years later, having sustained many significant battle wounds, wanting to go back, but having no idea how to break that barrier of feeling unwanted.

Many years ago I belonged to a ward that was loving and embraced new comers as family. My wife went to a cookie baking social last December, and she said she was treated so coldly, it was horrible. She said she understood why I won't take my family there. She also said it would have been easier on our family if they were warm to her, which they were not.

I asked the bishop of the ward a year ago if there was a 'do not contact' stamped on my record. He said there was no such thing. Then I asked him how come we were being treated so harshly, so cold? We had been going regularly for 3 months, and were feeling completely shunned. How horrible was that? I did everything I could to be a part, helping where I could, being friendly, going to the meetings, socials, etc, but to no avail.

Now I know a lot of you are going to want to give me the preachy answers. I would prefer to hear from the mature adults who understand life and people and relationships, and family, and disfunctional wards. The gospel is true to the betterment of mankind. It's the people who screw it all up. Just because the gospel is true to the betterment of mankind doesn't mean I can put my family in a disfunctional ward and look the other way. I can't do that. My kids are too little to understand, and my wife, bless her heart, is human and gets just as offended as the next person.

any suggestions?

Hi Newbirth,

I enjoyed your post and although I am a member I have been there and done that so I am sure I can relate to you. You will not get any preachy answers from me but I can give you a few suggestions based on my own experience and I hope it works.

A little of my own experience...

My husband and I both joined the church 20 years ago and were baptized together. We are a second marriage and only one child was baptized with us, as our other four children were grown or off to college. None are members at this point.

In our first ward where we were baptized, we were very active and it was fortuaately for us a very friendly and active ward and we truly felt a part of it.

Then five years later we moved to another State. The weard was luek warm at best, and we never felt connected. We made a few friends but most members were very transient and only lived there part time or traveled a lot. So we became somewhat inactive.

Then 6 years later we moved again. We went to church but although we awere always treated with plesentry, we never felt like we were a part of it. Perhaps we missed the closeness we had at the first ward when we first joined. And maybe the "honeymoon" of being new to the church had subsided. But eventually we simply lost interest in coming. We never had our names taken off the roles and we never lost our faith or beloefs or the testimony we had. But we never truly felt a part of it either.

I hope that missionaries, Bishops and other LDS members read this because what it took was a freiendly outreach and a phone call to bring us back.

One day almost a decade after we were completely inactive, two missionaries came to the door knowing we were inactive members. I happened to be sick with the flu and told the missionaries I was ill and possibly contagious but they were welcome back in a weel

A few days later the Bishop (who I had never met) gave me a call and asked if he and the bishopric could come by and give me a blessing. Of course we had them over, asked a lot of questions and made a committment to retuen to church. WOW I have to say it was like getting an engraved invitation to return.

When we did return that first time, there were a few couples that remembered us when we first started coming and greeted us as if we had just had dinner together the other day!

But as we continued to return, we felt apart from the loop.

So this time we took it upon ourselves to break the ice and take on the responsibility of truly seeing our members rather than hoping they would just be friendly to us.

We asked the Bishop for callings that would help us to integrate us back into the church.

BE CAREFULL WHAT YOU ASK FOR lol. My calling wound up being Relief Society secretary. Sounds simple enough right. I'm saavy on a computer and can do newsletters. Oh but wait, I had to take attendance at Releif Society meetings. Her's the name list, just check off the ones that are here. OK no problem. 80 or so sisters, and I knew maybe four of them by name. Well it forced me to introduce myself and then get to know who they were.

We also decided to attend a smaller Sunday school class where many newer members attend. Taking them under our wing allows us o form new friendships that are not already established.

Another thing we do is that our ward passes around a calender where we can sign up to have the missionaries for dinner. We do this once a month. Missionaries know members and they are interested in keeping you in the ward and are great liasons among members. We have also since invited another person or two to dinner from the Ward on the same night we have the missionaries.

From there it has grown to attending a month Family Home Evening where ward members that have grown children have family home evening once a month together.

And we have also found a few couples where we go out to dinner suring the week or get together in each others homes.

Forming a social circle outside of just a three hour block on Sunday morning is very helpful. By the tine Sunday rolls around we are reconnecting with friends.

It takes time but well worth the effort.

Oh one more thing. We went through almost a year without knowing who our HT or VT was. So instead of asking who was going to HT or VT us we asked who WE could go out and HT or VT. If they won't come to us we will go to them.

I know we all get busy and time can be a deterrant for not just us but everyone, but this time around we are not going inactive. Even if your ward is small, there are some you can reach out to. If it is large, you may not get to know or be friends with everyone but you have a lot to choose from.

Hang in there. Get involved and don't give up. Even in a church there can challenges. But take on the challenge and you may find it is well worth the investment of time and effort. :)

[newbirth]

I really appreciate you taking the time to share with me. It is so much easier to be encouraged when I learn I am not alone, and how others overcame. Thank you.

[newbirth]

JudoMinja, I appreciate your kind words. Thanks.

[LDSJewess]

I really appreciate you taking the time to share with me. It is so much easier to be encouraged when I learn I am not alone, and how others overcame. Thank you.

Newbirth,

You are most welcome.

I think we sometimes feel that our circumstances are different than the norm and if we continue with this mind set we wind up creating some of our own isloation.

And in turn others think their situation is outside the norm or they are different and don't feel anyone can relate to them, and they wind up closing themselves off and isolating themselves as well.

So what we wind up with is a bunch of isolated peopel thinking their story is completely unique to to others, and while closing themselves off they learn to create for themselves a kind of facade so they appear how they think they need to appear to fit in.

People at church really do have their own story. And while in church I amagine until we really get to the point where we can really let our guard down and get to know each other as brothers and sisters, we just live in the facade of what everythinks members of the LDS church are or should appear to be.

Once we started meeting people in our Ward outside of the church and getting to know them on a much more personal level, we found ourselves saying to them, "wow I never realized this ir that", and in turn they were saying the same thing to us. And of course this is understandable since at chuch even the nicest people can seem luke warm.

Everyone of us whether we admit it or not want to be wanted, needed and accepted and feel like we truly belong. The LDS church is I believe structured to create and encourage this among members more than any other church, Unfortunately, we are far from perfect and we all fall short of opportunities.

Even after almost a year of returning I do not know everyone by name (but with my calling I'm working at it) lol, and not everyone is going to be our best friends and truth be told we may come across a few that we have little to nothing in common with. But it's kind of like a fishing expedition. We just keep seeking people that we have common bonds with and then from there we do our best to nuture friendships. And of course through those friendships we meet others and so on.

Just always remember that for ever person you want to reach out to be your friend, also reach out to be theirs.

[bytor2112]

I think our church is sometimes like a very exclusive club that is difficult to be accepted into and once you have been accepted you may be left wondering why you tried so hard......

[clevermoniker]

You know, I'd go to Church every week without fail... if only there were no people there :)

I grew up in Utah, yet had very few LDS friends. The other kids were nicer and more accepting. I still often feel that way.

All I can say is, until the apacolypse comes or a zombie virus cleanses the earth of them, we're going to have to deal with people, and we can't let them stop us from doing what we know is right.

[mnn727]

Some Wards are terrible that way, we were in one about 8 years ago. I pretty much went inactive after not missing a Sunday since I had been baptized about 10 year earlier.

We lived in that ward for just under 2 years and when we finally bought a house I had one requirement - that it was outside of that wards boundaries.

Sorry, no suggestions for you, just that some wards are terrible.

[Traveler]

The sad thing is that often in unfriendly wards - everyone there feels shunned to some degree. If you are experiencing unfriendliness I am most willing to bet (though Mormons should not bet) that you are not the only one experiencing the unfriendliness. The next thing that seems to happen is that a few are able to make connections; come to believe that making contacts outside of their box is not as beneficial as hoped. Thus the unfriendliness becomes a means of protection.

I believe the greatest rewards and joys come from helping someone else. I realize that it would be much better if someone better connected in your ward would break the ice and get things started. But the important thing is that someone must take that step forward to break the ice. So this is what I would suggest. Plan with your wife and family to befriend someone in the ward - you each can pick just one other person - it does not have to be another family. Don’t necessarily think that one Sunday will be enough to find that individual for each. Perhaps, plan on at least a month. Watch for someone that looks a little lost in the ward themselves. Try to have at least 4 or 5 prospects before you determine that final one. You may want to introduce yourself and get to know them a little before you make that final decision.

Once you have determined who you would like to target as a new friend - start out with the easiest things you can think of - like just saying hi and perhaps after the block meetings talk about a lesson or something. If it does not work out well after 3 or 4 months - fall back and pick a new possible friend from your list. One of the best ways I know of making new friends is through service together. For example - invite them and their family to help you and your family do the weekly cleaning of the church. Or if they need some help with something at their place - volunteer to come over and help them - if they feel they would like to return the favor - have something in mind to do at your place. I have always found that a journey becomes better if there is someone that shares the journey.

Keep in touch and let us know what works - there are many like yourself that face your same challenge - your insights will be most helpful - nut jobs like myself often forget what it is like to be going through something by yourself.

The Traveler

[Madriglace]

I agree with what has been said ... in the church you pretty much get out of it what you put into it. But that requires getting outside your comfort zone. Go to church, greet everyone especially those you don't know or that are visiting or have come for the first time. Use the Saviors #1 teaching tool ... example. And smile!!!! It makes people wonder what you are up to. When we look for good that is what we find.

If you want friendly you need to cme to our ward ... sometimes it is sooooooooooo friendly it makes you want to hide under a bench!

[bcguy]

What makes the shunner more perfect then you?? The answer is, they are not!. Ive been shunned before. I was shunned by the person in my ward to schedule me for a temple prep class. I got under his skin and alll he did was ignore me. He was not doing his job.

I often wonder whats the point of going to church, when its the members who ARE the church. I DO not believe the church is perfect...after all, without the people, its a empty building.

If I leave some day, its because of the many problems in the church and not willing to except a ounce of dough about what it teaches. I would love to challenge church authority on the Origins of the fabled "garden of Eden" Its not the US it is Etheopea! Oldest known bones of mankind "millions of years old" have been shown to the world to come from Etheopea in Africa as well as DNA human history that come from that part of the world.

[norah63]

It is not just the LDS church that this happens at. Having attended several prodestant houses of

worship it can be the same there. People are all alike. If they don't know you, they don't take

time or effort to get to know you. Carry a bible and even the preacher won't want to talk to you.

Teaching a class or cleaning the building or cooking food doesn't help either.

Thankfully we have a friend that sticks closer than a brother, and He is the only one who counts.

[clevermoniker]

It is not just the LDS church that this happens at. Having attended several prodestant houses of

worship it can be the same there. People are all alike. If they don't know you, they don't take

time or effort to get to know you. Carry a bible and even the preacher won't want to talk to you.

Teaching a class or cleaning the building or cooking food doesn't help either.

Thankfully we have a friend that sticks closer than a brother, and He is the only one who counts.

It's always kind of bugged me that the situation wasn't better in LDS's churches... I mean, we have the true Gospel, right? With greater knowledge, we have even greater responsibility, and God will hold us to a higher standard...

[lydie15]

I completely understand what you mean. It seems that there is alot of cliqueness within alot of wards in the Church, but it does happen in all Church's and in every other social environment in which everyone encounters.

My sister and I were born in the Church, and growing up, although we had friends in the Church we never felt as part of the 'group' in YW. As in the group everyone accepted in stake events etc. The cliqueness within our ward growing up is part of the reason, sadly, that my sister doesn't go to Church anymore.

I went inactive for about 3 years, and have only recently in the past 3 months started going back to Church. Since becoming inactive, I got pregnant at 16 and had a child. I now have a 19 month old, and it was VERY hard making the decision to walk into Church one day with my mother and 19 month old daughter. Luckily, my ward (which is a different ward from the one that I grew up in) welcomed me with open arms and I have felt much more at home in my ward then I have in a long time. Even though everyone has treated me well, I know that if I was in my old ward or in some other wards in my area, the way I would have been treated by some of the people would have been different, or would have seemed like they were just trying to be nice.

I know that you know that the cliqueness is only subject to a certain number of people in each ward. Not everyone in the Church is going to welcome you with open arms, although we all wish they could. All you need to do is focus on the people that are appreciating your strength and will in coming back to Church. The Lord will be very pleased that you and your family are making an effort, and that's the most important thing.

When you go to Church next, just be nice and welcome everyone that you see there, and even introduce yourself and your family to some members that you may not know. People will appreciate your courage to start a conversation with them, and they won't wonder so much why you're at Church, but that you're just here with your family to partake of the Sacrament and remember our Lord and learn and teach the gospel to your family and others.

Just remember when you go to Church next, that you're not the only one that's going through this. Many people have gone through the process of getting back into going to Church regularly, and it will get easier every week. If it doesn't get any easier after all of this, then I suggest to pray to the Lord and ask him what he thinks you should do to help resolve the issue, as he does know what's best for all of us.

I hope all goes well!