Timpman Posted March 28, 2012 Report Share Posted March 28, 2012 Looking for something, I guess. Here’s my story as concise as I can make it: We dated when I was 17 and she was 16. I went on a mission. Got home and I wanted to date around. She didn’t give me any space. She told me she loves me and it stirred something within me, so I told her I love her. Got engaged the same night. The wedding was being planned and I got serious doubts. It didn’t seem right. I told her to not mail the invitations. Met with my bishop. I disclosed that I had been diagnosed with OCD (while in the MTC) and he said the doubts are probably the mental illness talking to me. He also said I would have to pay her family for all the wedding expenses to that point, and that she would keep the ring. I would be out thousands of dollars that I couldn’t afford. Under pressure, I made a stupid decision. I decided to go through with the marriage. I thought it would be okay if I didn’t like her much. After the ceremony, there would be no turning back and I would be free from the burden of choosing. I had the ring and we went to the temple grounds, sat on a bench, and she started talking. I cut in and asked if I could speak first. I then got on one knee and asked her to marry me again. I expected her to happily accept (yes, I was conceited). She hesitated and asked if I was sure and I said yes. She hesitated more and then reluctantly accepted. As we were leaving, she said “When I started talking first, I was going to tell you that I was ready to call the whole thing off.” I was shocked and felt that I had just made the worst mistake of my life. If only I had let her speak first, I would be free. But it was too late to back out. The ceremony was actually great and so was the honeymoon. I was happy. But it didn’t last long. I regularly think we shouldn’t have been married. Here we are 11 years and 4 kids later. I wish we hadn’t married. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennarator Posted March 28, 2012 Report Share Posted March 28, 2012 Not going to lie, I have no advice. I just feel for you and your wife. Get some help. God luck. I really do feel for both of you and your children. Divorce bites! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 28, 2012 Report Share Posted March 28, 2012 But you did. Is your wife willing to work at it? Are you? Hope for a happy marriage isn't lost. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NeuroTypical Posted March 28, 2012 Report Share Posted March 28, 2012 Here we are 11 years and 4 kids later.There's your answer. Now you do what's best for your 4 kids. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Timpman Posted March 28, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2012 Yes, I did. I made the commitment. We choose ONE (usually) eternal companion, and look at what I did with that choice. So now I can live through for the kids, or screw everything up with divorce, or learn to love her. It really sucks to think about how I screwed up so bad in life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Timpman Posted March 28, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2012 Loudmouth_Mormon, maybe getting a divorce is better than showing our kids what a crappy marriage is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SanctitasDeo Posted March 28, 2012 Report Share Posted March 28, 2012 I would reiterate what Eowyn said:Is your wife willing to work at it? Are you? Hope for a happy marriage isn't lost. I believe that learning to love is possible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dravin Posted March 28, 2012 Report Share Posted March 28, 2012 What exactly are you hoping to get out of this thread? Is it a vent? Seeking advice? If the latter, what sort of advice? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Timpman Posted March 28, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2012 Venting, looking for advice/criticism. Anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slamjet Posted March 28, 2012 Report Share Posted March 28, 2012 (edited) What exactly are you hoping to get out of this thread? Is it a vent? Seeking advice? If the latter, what sort of advice?Kind of wondering that myself. But if the motive is this:Loudmouth_Mormon, maybe getting a divorce is better than showing our kids what a crappy marriage is.Then the answer is to show them how to make a marriage work. There is no such thing as a "perfect couple" a "perfect marriage" and a "perfectly compatible" setup. It's a matter of compromise and learning to live with each other and while you are doing that, gaining a strong sense of togetherness and love in the struggle. What we learn here will only benefit us. Instead of feeling sorry for your state of affairs, grab the issue by the horns and get to work. The grass is not always greener on the other side. Edited March 28, 2012 by slamjet Added a necessary word. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smeagums Posted March 28, 2012 Report Share Posted March 28, 2012 What do you love about your wife? What do you hate about her? Does she attract you? Does she love your children? When's the last time you've been to a sealing together? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BenRaines Posted March 28, 2012 Report Share Posted March 28, 2012 President Kimball taught that two people can have a very happy marriage if both of them are unselfish. If they are both so eager to give and please their companion they will learn to love each other. If one party is selfish or is looking for what is in it for me then it will not be a happy marriage. Marriage and love is not all like it is shown in the movies or books. Ben Raines Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skippy740 Posted March 28, 2012 Report Share Posted March 28, 2012 Venting, looking for advice/criticism. Anything. Your wish is my command! :)Timpman, I'm going to be bold and blunt here, so don't say I didn't warn you:There is too much of an 'entitlement' mentality in this country - that "I deserve" phrase is too prevalent. You are having these feelings because you feel that you 'missed out' on something because you were too weak to stand up to your feelings at the time.And now, you are having the feelings to (possibly) break up your marriage because it's not at your 'ideal picturesque or dream'?Is it possible that you screwed up your life and made it better in the process?Is it probable that if you are trying to pursue some other definition of happiness that your kids would suffer while you pursue your selfish desires? (Any desire that breaks up a reasonably functioning family is by definition a selfish desire.)Many arranged marriages have lasted longer - if anything, out of a duty to stay together. Have you talked about this with your wife... lately?Have you gone to marriage counseling with your wife?Is your marriage in a 'broken' state, or are you just reminiscing about how you felt at the time and wondering how you let it go on so far? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Timpman Posted March 28, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2012 slamjet, you are right. There are no perfect marriages or setups. I need to decide if I want to keep working at it or run away. Regarding marriage and family, I don’t believe in marriage “for the kids.” Kids always grow up and find their own companions. Though families are still sealed together, the spouse is paramount and the only one with whom we will really spend much time with. When couples stay married “for the kids,” the kids probably sense something is wrong. Then the couple gets divorced after the last child is grown, which is like saying “Surprise! It was all a sham.” Maybe it’s better to end it sooner instead of pretending it’s working. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 28, 2012 Report Share Posted March 28, 2012 (edited) I have advice for you...In India, it is still a prevalent practice for the parents to choose the spouses of their children. The children happily give this decision to their parents so that sometimes, they don't even really get to talk to their spouses until a week or less before the wedding. And guess what, they live happily ever after.Now, why is that? Because - these people don't go through life thinking it is better somewhere else. These people go through life MAKING THINGS BETTER.Now for the criticism...You just wasted 11 precious years of your and your family's life. Get your head screwed on tight and get to work! Running away from your problem won't make you feel better. Trust me about that. Because getting divorced and marrying another doesn't mean you are going to be happy 11 more years later.And here's the last food for thought:When your time comes to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song, and die like a hero going home.- Chief Dave from the movie Act of ValorLiving your life in REGRET is a waste of time. Edited March 28, 2012 by anatess Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Timpman Posted March 28, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2012 What do you love about your wife? What do you hate about her? Does she attract you? Does she love your children? When's the last time you've been to a sealing together?I love her mothering skills. We went to a sealing a few months ago. You are having these feelings because you feel that you 'missed out' on something because you were too weak to stand up to your feelings at the time.Yep, that's true and it stinks. Is it possible that you screwed up your life and made it better in the process?Yes, that's possible. Is it probable that if you are trying to pursue some other definition of happiness that your kids would suffer while you pursue your selfish desires? (Any desire that breaks up a reasonably functioning family is by definition a selfish desire.)Busted. Have you talked about this with your wife... lately?Have you gone to marriage counseling with your wife?Is your marriage in a 'broken' state, or are you just reminiscing about how you felt at the time and wondering how you let it go on so far?No. Yes, a long time ago. Not broken. Just regretting marriage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Timpman Posted March 28, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2012 President Kimball taught that two people can have a very happy marriage if both of them are unselfish. If they are both so eager to give and please their companion they will learn to love each other.That sounds like the movies and books. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Backroads Posted March 28, 2012 Report Share Posted March 28, 2012 All right, my random responses: I think you were more or less coerced into this marriage. Money and buying the ring and upsetting people are not the make-or-break details of a marriage. I feel for you. The advice the bishop gave you was kind of lousy. Have you ever been happy with your wife? What specifically makes it difficult? I'm against divorce, but I'm also against unhappy marriages. I'm wondering if you're clinging to the idea that you made a mistake or if the relationship is legitimately unhealthy and unhappy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skippy740 Posted March 28, 2012 Report Share Posted March 28, 2012 I thank you for answering my questions - not to me, but for yourself - to do a "gut check". Now, I'm going to give you my opinion - and you are completely free to reject it. Don't your answers look like a person who wants to shirk their responsibilities? To run away? Just because "they're not happy"? Is this the kind of man you want to be? Do you love (&/or respect) your wife enough to: - Go to your bishop and discuss your thoughts and feelings? - Go to marriage counseling - either on your own or with your wife? - To tell your wife how you have been feeling and to get her thoughts and feelings? - To give your wife the choice on 'staying together for the kids' or to just end it now, if that's what feels right? - To see a doctor and determine if you may have a form of depression? If your son (assuming you have one) came to you with your questions, thoughts and reasons, what would you advise him to do to help him make his own decision? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skippy740 Posted March 28, 2012 Report Share Posted March 28, 2012 BTW, I agree with Backroads regarding the advice you got from your Bishop. Personal finances are NOT within a Bishop's call - unless you need church assistance. It wasn't his place to tell you who gets to keep what and who pays for it all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Timpman Posted March 28, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2012 Don't your answers look like a person who wants to shirk their responsibilities? To run away? Just because "they're not happy"?Yes, it does. I accept that. Men are that they might have joy. I don't want to be with her forever. That's it. I can still be a good dad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dravin Posted March 28, 2012 Report Share Posted March 28, 2012 That sounds like the movies and books.Nope the movies and the books teach there is one soul mate out there. And that if one only finds this soul mate love and marriage will be effortless and spring up forever young. What President Kimball talked about was work amd choice, an aspect often left out of such books and movies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 28, 2012 Report Share Posted March 28, 2012 Is there another woman you're thinking you'd be happier with? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 28, 2012 Report Share Posted March 28, 2012 Yes, it does. I accept that. Men are that they might have joy. I don't want to be with her forever. That's it. I can still be a good dad.Happiness and joy aren't the same thing. Happiness is more about satisfying what you want in the here and now. Joy takes work and sacrifice. Happiness is fleeting. Joy is deeper and lasting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 29, 2012 Report Share Posted March 29, 2012 Yes, it does. I accept that. Men are that they might have joy. I don't want to be with her forever. That's it. I can still be a good dad.Just FYI... that scripture does not apply to your marriage. That scripture means - you pass through life with the pain of mortality so you may learn how to deal with its challenges to ultimately gain the necessary qualities to obtain eternal happiness. If anything, that scripture just shows how you are willing to forgo your chance for eternal happiness to gain a temporary reprieve. Make sense?You can't be a good dad if you don't know how to be a good husband first and foremost. They go hand in hand. That's why God sanctifies marriage as the way by which to have children. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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