At the end of my rope

[idahomommyof4]

My husband doesn't want to have to do anything in our marriage, in our family, in our home...that requires any sort of "maintenance" (my word, not his). I mean that he doesn't think that he needs to make any sort of effort in his relationship with me or his kids, unless it's convenient. When I say that, I mean if he's going hiking (which he spends WAY too much time doing), he will sometimes take one of the kids (we have 5, ranging from 10.5 to 1 year). He and I never go out on dates, or do anything together. He is always "too busy" (which most of the time translates to hiking, hunting, or sitting in front of the computer reading about sports or politics). I have tried SO MANY TIMES to change for him over the years. He always complained about every single thing I did or did not to do his expectations. The problems we have had in our marriage? Always me. I was brought up to tell the people you love that you love them. When we were dating, he was the first to say it, although I knew it before he said it. And I always said it to him more than he did to me. After we got married, I tried to always tell him I loved him. I was not obnoxious about it, just the usual times that you'd tell a spouse you'd love them. Most of the time, I'd say about 98%, he wouldn't even reply back to me. That kind of bothered me, but in his family they weren't really affectionate and I have never once heard his siblings tell each other or even their mother (dad is not even in the pic). I've never even heard the siblings or their spouses tell their kids that they love them in public (and yes there's plenty of family get-togethers that you'd think I would hear it maybe once?) I take every opportunity to tell my children just how much I love them and how important they are to me. I have pretty much thrown myself into showing my kids how much I love them...they are my whole world. My husband leaves dirty clothes wherever in the house he takes them off, dirty dishes wherever he finishes eating, shoes where they were taken off...if he takes something out (tools, food, vacuum, etc) and uses it, he leaves it out for me to put away. He treats me like a maid. I do all aspects of cleaning and everything else in our home, and take care of the yard. I am just at a point where I am tired of being treated like a nothing. In November, my grandmother passed away, and I have had a very very difficult time with it. I found out about 7:30am, and he was out hiking that morning. He came home and I told him about it. His reply, "well, it's not like you didn't know it was coming". COMPLETELY without feeling. No hug, no "i'm sorry"...NOTHING. My opinions and thoughts and feelings just don't matter to him. My mom also has recently had some health issues...she is dealing with cancer for the 4th time. When I tearfully told my husband about THAT....I got the same response, with no feeling whatsoever..."Well, it's cancer...you kind of EXPECT it to come back".

There's alot of other issues too, this is just the tip of the iceburg. But I am at a point where I think things would be better if we either separated or divorced. He has told me time after time that I am "selfish" for wanting to be happy...this is during "talks" of when I am trying to get him to sit down with me and makes some goals to improve our marriage and family life. He doesn't know how to talk things out or communicate. His idea of communicating is, he says what he thinks...and that's all there is to it. he's right, I am wrong. There is no "my" side of things or "my" opinion. He is the priesthood holder, I am just the lowly wife. Children are very forgiving...and they don't see (luckily) how he treats me or realize how little he puts into his family life. I"m glad they are young enough not to realize. It truly breaks my heart. And yes, I have been to the bishop. SEVERAL times. I have told him what our marriage and family life are like. The bishop's response was..."support him. Show him that you believe in him. Take time to do things with him. Communicate with him. Tell him what's going on in your mind, and ask him his opinion". I flat-out told the bishop that I have been desperately TRYING to do just that for YEARS.....but when he only sits and blames me for everything (having had 7 jobs in 14 years, it's my fault the economy is bad, our home is not the cookie cutter perfect house that his sister, who's husband is a dr., has; I am not some mindless idiot who lets my husband do anything he wants). He has anger issues and won't even address those. It's ok for him to go around the house cussing and swearing and slamming doors and kicking things etc...but if I have had a rough day (and have been obviously crying) and am stressed, he yells at me and lectures me on how I need to quit feeling sorry for myself. I am frustrated with my bishop, who said that he would bring my husband into his office to talk to him and see what he could help with. That was almost 3 months ago that the bishop said he'd bring my husband in and talk with him. My husband won't listen to anyone....so I don't know that the bishop talking to him will help, but I was hoping that since he IS our bishop, maybe something he said would hit home with my husband. I am just at the point where I am at the end of my rope. The job my husband has right now ends in July. he has to get another job, and right now is applying for grad school, because he thinks that is our only option. He has hardly even looked to see what else there is. And it was never a joint decision for him to go to grad school...he just decided, and that was that. Problem is....that will make us have to move our family to one of two places. One is 4 hours away, one is about 10 hours away. But....if he continues to be unwilling to work on our marriage and family, I am not going ANYWHERE with him. No matter how I say it, no matter how hard I work to keep things calm and cleaned up and stuff for him, it's NEVER good enough. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being treated like a maid and servant, only used when it's convenient and needed. I am worth more than that. Not to him, obviously, but to someone. I am the type of person who give their whole heart to someone. And to have someone chip away at that year after year after year...slowly breaks one down. Please tell me I am not alone in my situation! I have only one friend who knows what is going on. Apparently at church everyone thinks things are just peachy. Which I am very quiet and shy...so people don't really know me. The husband puts on a good show, I guess. I guess that I am just at the end of my rope. I am tired mentally and physically and don't know what to do anymore. I have tried everything I can. And when nothing I do is good enough for him....I just don't know. I am at a loss. And I have never felt more lonely. I have not said a word to any of my family members. We live far enough away it's easy to hide what's going on. I don't know what he says to his family. Anyways, sorry my rant has gone on and on and isn't very organized. I have so many emotions and feelings going on that my brain is a little big scrambled sometimes.

[idahomommyof4]

And yes, I have tried to get my husband to go talk with the bishop with me. He absolutely refuses. We have very little money, and of course that always contributes to stress in a marriage. I make do with what we have. not that I don't want or hope to get to a different position where things aren't so tight so we can eventually go on our first-ever family vacation. (I'm talking about something besides camping...which we do occasionally during the year...but even then...he goes off into the mountains hiking--we usually go with friends, and the husbands go hiking/hunting, and the wives stay in camp, entertain kids, and cook). So kind of takes any fun out of doing a family thing together when the men are gone all the time. I guess I am just so tired of trying to talk to a wall. He doesn't listen to one word I say. If I ask him ONE time to do something "would you mind taking the garbage out" (which I don't even bother asking him to do anymore, I just do it so I don't get chewed out or yelled at), I am accused of "nagging" him. I'm sorry. I'm just so....at the end of my rope, which is exactly why I entitled this post that.

[applepansy]

As I read through your post the fist thing that came to mind is your children. You say they are too young to know what is going on. But if dad is stomping around the house yelling and cussing you better believe your 10yo knows exactly what is going on. Kids know! You cannot successfully hiding much from them.

The second thought I had ... you can only change yourself. Have you tried counseling? I know that if you stop reacting in the way he expects then he won't get what he wants and it will change things...for the better or worse. So... make sure you do everything you can to be Christ-like....but that doesn't mean you need to be a rug for him to wipe his feet on.

The movie Fireproof is good. I suggest watching it. Its about a husband who tries to make things better before getting a divorce. He finally loves his wife again. Even though its from the male perspective there is a lot women can learn from the movie.

You describe yourself as quiet and shy. Are you this way in the relationship with your husband too? If you're not clearly explaining your need,s how is he suppose to know how you feel? He isn't going to guess. If you are quiet and haven't talked to him in a way he can hear doesn't mean you deserve to be treated with disrespect. But it might be an area where you can help improve things. Example: If you quietly pick up after him without saying a word how is he to know it bugs you? Have a family home evening lesson about respect and picking up after ourselves. Your older children should be picking up after themselves.... so should your husband. After there is a clear expectation. Stop picking up after him. We all have consequences for our behavior... yes even adults...and even Dad.

Obviously all this has been going on for a long time. its not going to get fixed over night.

My suggestions:

Fast and Pray.

Put your name, your husband's name and your Bishop's name on the temple prayer roll.

Meet with your Bishop and ask for a referral to LDS Social Services if they are in your area.

Go to counseling, if only for you. If he will go too so much the better, but don't use that as an excuse to not get help for you.

I wish you all the best.

[Guest]

I wouldn't be okay with living that way indefinitely. It takes 2 to make a marriage and he seems to want you to carry absolutely everything. That wouldn't fly with me.

[Tyler90AZ]

This is a great talk for him! Love Her Mother - general-conference

[Backroads]

What makes me apprehensive is that if idahomommy is accurate in her description of her husband, any conference talks and articles we throw at him will be ignored.

Just how much are you doing for him? How much of a doormat are you being? I believe it's vital that you take care of the home, the kids, even him as far as basic needs are concerned, but maybe stepping back on a few things might be enough to jar him into paying attention.

I also believe counseling, even if it's just you, would be vital.

[mrmarklin]

Lots of issues, but one that stands out is that his father is not in the picture. Therefore he has no role model of fathering or husbanding, and obviously doesn't know how to be either a father or a husband.

This should have been a red flag prior to your marraige. I know it's a little late now.

Does your man have a a full time job? If so, a lot of men think that because they bring home the bacon their role is fulfilled. My father was that way. Not a good example. In my youth I learned from that bad example, and tried to do better, but not completely perfect even so.

It would be good if you could have a little counselling. But if not, maybe a separation (even a divorce filing!) would be a wake up call for him.