thinking of divorce my husband

[angeleyez911]

before i had married my husband, i had went to a luthern church. I remember the passage they spoke of in john ask of God and you shall receivth or something like that. So many days later, I prayed in faith for someone, a guy that would accept me, doesnt matter if he was perfect or not, maybe even heavier in high school,show me the true church, that would work out with me, and help me with my issues. (i had some depression/ anxiety back then) we met, it came to be that i was so shocked that my prayer was answered that i decided to marry him. Little did I know, a few years in. he has a temper i cant stand. he makes smart remarks, and thinks im wrong in situations in a few. i know its a marriage its normal for arguments. he is slight bit on the controlling side. he gets mad in public at stupid things, and at the house if something goes, and makes awful sighs to me if want a nap because i deal with daily chronic migraines. im in pain as it is. I left him before to get some air and asked him if was to get on some meds and some counciling. he said yes with our parents around. But whens its just us around, no to counciling and yes to meds but only to when he is in school, so he can finish college. i dont need to have the converstation again. if i have the converstation with him again, he sighs....and whines.

I wanted to know that heavenly father was true, so i prayed...i got my answer. im deeply sorry that i had did that to the levels of gods power. im now asking for forgivness. i will repent.

advice please.

[angeleyez911]

currently he is sorry, crying and wants me back, but i know here in a few months its going right back to the same situation.

[annewandering]

Do you have children? Are you married in the temple? Are you/him still in school?

[Martain]

I just saw the Mormon Message "

" earlier today and thought to share it with you.

In seeking council, have you sought counsel with your Bishop?

Even if he's unwilling, why not ask your Bishop for a referral to LDS Family Services and start seeing a marriage counselor yourself?

I also recommend seeking and studying out everything the Prophets have said regarding your situation. There is a wealth of articles and talks regarding marriage and divorce. I'm sure that the spirit will give you guidance regarding your situation as you seek out and study the counsel already given.

I feel for you and the struggles you're going through and I pray for the both of you. May God bless you with the strength to pursue the road that leads to healing of what is broken.

Sincerely,

Martain

[angeleyez911]

no kids... were both in school. and yes were married in temple.

[NightSG]

Little did I know, a few years in. he has a temper i cant stand.

First off, let me say that I'm still dealing with some anger management issues myself. He does have to do his part in this, especially in recognizing the problem in the first place and wanting to fix it. That said, if he will work to fix it, help him do that. Don't "give him space" unless he wants it, and understand that from time to time you may have to let him vent and not walk away yourself. Just let it wash over you and forgive him as long as he's willing to keep putting in the effort to improve. Never taunt him (even if you think you can defuse the situation with humor, by the time it gets to this point, it's too late and the attempt will likely push him over the edge) or walk away when he starts to get mad, just calmly tell him that he's starting to sound angry, and that you'll only continue the discussion as long as he doesn't blow up. If he does blow up, clam up. Answer questions as calmly, neutrally and briefly as possible, and you improve the chance of him realizing that he needs to stop. Of course, if he does try to physically hurt you, get away from him and don't even think about coming back until he's had real psychological help, if at all.

If he won't do his part, then there's really nothing you can do. It takes two to have a relationship, and it takes two to save one. Putting up with it when he won't work with you isn't doing either of you any favors.

i deal with daily chronic migraines. im in pain as it is.

For your own sake, do everything you can to get past these; they will just get worse as you try to get through other hardships. Doctors are sometimes worse than useless unless they will go to the trouble to look for an underlying cause. Priesthood blessings certainly can't hurt. Even stress reduction hypnotherapy helped me with them to an extent. (And it helped more in other areas of my life.)

currently he is sorry, crying and wants me back, but i know here in a few months its going right back to the same situation.

It happens, and without knowing your husband, nobody can say whether he's really willing to work with you to fix it, or just thinks it will fix itself if you come back. Tell him he needs to show some serious effort first. Offer to get counseling together again, and separately as well. Set a deadline six months to a year out to see if there's real progress. If there is, then save your marriage.

If you can work it out, never assume that any further counseling or other help he asks for is unnecessary, even if you go years without another problem. If he wants to get more counseling later, something in his brain is telling him to do it for a reason.

Edited August 5, 2012 by NightSG

[Misshalfway]

Well, your husband sounds angry. It'd be interesting to find out what that anger is about. Do you have any idea what his issues are? Is he hurting you in any way? Or is the anger just producing disconnection and conflict?

It's also interesting that you "know" that he's sorry now but that you know it will fade in a few months.

What if you said that you aren't sure he can have you back and that you'll need him to do some counseling before you can decide. If he's sorry, even temporarily, you could try to use that as leverage to see if you can get some help.

[alucarD1975]

no kids... were both in school. and yes were married in temple.

No kids.....I say leave

We are only hearing 1 side. But I will trust that you are giving 100% and he just does not want to participate. However it sounds like you had your own issues coming into the marriage. That is never a good way to start a relationship.

Get divorced and fix yourself before you get involved in another relationship

[EarlJibbs]

I would think hard about any advice to get divorced on the grounds of not having any children. Children or not, divorce after temple marrage should not be taken lightly, kids or not. On that note, divorce in general should never be taken lightly. Divorce is what degrades society.

However, there are times when one or both parties seperate from the right path and are not willing to work it out. Do all YOU can do, then you can move to thoughts of divorce. You should know when that is. But keeping someone around that is not treating you well and is not going to get better sounds like a dead end.

My suggestion is if you want to work it out, go to counceling BEFORE you hook back up with the guy. If he really wants to do this, he will go. Also, make sure he agrees to be on his meds as they are perscribed, not just as he wishes.

[RadioactiveWolfboy]

My ex and I were sealed in the temple with 2 children. I had anger issues from being abused as a child physically and suffering from ADHD and Bipolar Disorder. I was mostly verbally abusive and slapped her once. I was controlling. One day my wife said she was going to leave me. She left and took the kids with her. I knew that even though she had her issues that I was what drove her away. I promised her that I would get help and if we got back together things would be different. I went to counseling and anger management classes. She hinted that we might get back together. Finally the final divorce court date came and she was intent on signing the papers. We had been separated for a year. On divorce day I signed and let her go knowing that I did my best to be a better person. My Bipolar is managed really well now as well as my ADHD. I am remarried in the Mount Timpanogos Temple and we are happy and have a 8 month old baby together. I live the Gospel and treat my wife with respect and no anger or control issues. I became the man that my ex wanted, but she left anyway. I don't recommend divorce after being married in the Temple. People today seem to be taught that if it is broken to toss it out (divorce) when really they should do everything possible to fix it and make it work. My ex had the toss it idea and now she regrets leaving because she sees me with my wife and kids and my 2 kids with her tell her that I am a great dad now and how well my wife and I get along. I'm not boasting, I just want you to know that people can change. I did and I am glad I did. Before I remarried I wished that my ex would have seen me for what I was working to be. It was unfortunate for her that she realized this after I remarried. Don't throw it away if there is even a chance he will change. Give him a chance, and decide a little later.

[applepansy]

No kids.....I say leave

We are only hearing 1 side. But I will trust that you are giving 100% and he just does not want to participate. However it sounds like you had your own issues coming into the marriage. That is never a good way to start a relationship.

Get divorced and fix yourself before you get involved in another relationship

Why not fit herself and her marriage?

Celestial marriage is not something to give up on lightly. Its possible through love and counseling to fix any marriage if both people are committed to making it work.

Edited August 10, 2012 by applepansy

[Dove]

Why not fit herself and her marriage?

Celestial marriage is not something to give up on lightly. Its possible through love and counseling to fix any marriage if both people are committed to making it work.

Yeah, but both people have to be committed to making it work. It sounds like this husband is critical, controlling and hurtful to the OP. That he gives it lip service to getting counseling/help and that he rather degrades the OP.

It's not a celestial marriage just because the ceremony was performed in the Temple. It's a celestial marriage when they, as well as marrying in the temple, act accordingly. Being unkind to one's spouse consistently does not a celestial marriage make. It's not her fault or responsibility to make the marriage work anymore than what she's doing already if her husband is treating her in a demeaning way....

To the OP, I would say that if you are truly unhappy in your marriage with just cause (i.e., your husband isn't treating you in a way consistent with how the Savior would treat you) to ruuunn. If he's treating you poorly now, this is just a foreshadowing of how he will treat your potential children. Don't stay with someone who is not supporting you in being happy.

[bcguy]

My wife's parents have been fighting aka arguing and name calling for 40 years.

Now my wife brought alot of those habits into our marriage and has made it really tough to deal with at times. from her familly history was not good. Her brother was really auwfull with the sisters at times and assaulted his wife latter in life and eventually abandoned his kids. my wife nearly choked her sister once as teenagers. My wifes dad his my wife in the head as a teenager. The oldest daughter was always was in the woods with older guys and was warned by the bishop of her behavior latter in life.

Yes no familly is perfect...even a Mormon familly.

I wonder if there is any stats on how successful will be. What I find interesting, almost every kid in my wifes family had some kind of behavior problem except one. The one kid was adopted and is a really nice really sweet woman with her kids. Genetics possibly?

If I were you do not go on prayer alone. Find out the future spouses past. Interview friends, neighbors, relatives work peers what he is like to be around. Find out what she/she does during his spare time. If he has a history of visiting sick children, he is generally going to have compassion built into him.

If he has a history of volintery service on his own free will, he will likely show selflessness instead of selfishness.

I would think hard about any advice to get divorced on the grounds of not having any children. Children or not, divorce after temple marrage should not be taken lightly, kids or not. On that note, divorce in general should never be taken lightly. Divorce is what degrades society.

However, there are times when one or both parties seperate from the right path and are not willing to work it out. Do all YOU can do, then you can move to thoughts of divorce. You should know when that is. But keeping someone around that is not treating you well and is not going to get better sounds like a dead end.

My suggestion is if you want to work it out, go to counceling BEFORE you hook back up with the guy. If he really wants to do this, he will go. Also, make sure he agrees to be on his meds as they are perscribed, not just as he wishes.

Edited August 11, 2012 by bcguy