How much disrespect do you tolerate in your home from family?

[Bini]

How much disrespect do you tolerate in your home from family?

One of my sisters and her husband came to visit us this last week. In the last five years, she and I have become close. She is a proactive and loving auntie to my little girl, and has a good relationship with my husband too. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said about her husband. They were married less than a year ago, and are still newlyweds. Anyway, my BIL is a difficult personality to be around. In a nutshell, my sister is a lawyer and my BIL is in the field of chemical engineering - and he lets everyone know about it. He is extremely arrogant and unappreciative. At the dinner table, all he wants to talk about is chemistry and how great he is at it. He regards construction as being uneducated mindless drone work, which of course, offends my husband because he is an electrical contractor. In addition, he shows little to no effort in trying to make things pleasant when visiting. He will sleep in very late, or stay hidden away in the guest bedroom, while my sister comes out to spend time with us. When he has to make an appearance for lunch or dinner, he comes across very bored and uninterested in socialising (unless he gets talking about himself), and will hold his head up by an elbow and pick at his food. Before they headed out, my husband was helping them load up, and says, "Well, it looks like you're about ready to hit the road", and BIL replies with, "Yeah I got vacationed out fast." I about slapped him but thank goodness for my husband who has a lot more self control than I do and held me back.

[Wingnut]

It sounds to me like he'd rather be anywhere than there. I'd say that if he's that miserable, then it's punishment enough to make him come and stay. :)

(Not that visiting you is miserable in general...just for him, apparently.)

[Misshalfway]

Sounds like you and I have the same brother in law. He comes to family things and is often aloof or critical. It's gotten a little better over the years, but at first it was awful. He openly attacked the family and he and my mother fought a lot. It really divided us from my sister.

Over the years we've learned to react better to each other and to tolerate each other. But it's still hard. Sometimes he gets really insulting to my sister (his wife). He'll criticize her or put her down right in front of everyone. And on a couple of occasions I've told him I didn't like how he was speaking to her. But I've learned that this just makes my sister defensive in his behalf. So, I just try my best to have great parties so there is lots to do and no time to fight. :)

[Guest]

Very little. I once openly shouted at my SIL not to speak to me the way she was in my own home. She deserved it and then some. They had been living with us rent-free for 3 months and I had had it with her kids bullying mine and her bullying me. They moved not long (but much too long) after.

[applepansy]

I don't tolerate disrespect in my home. If someone doesn't want to be there, they know where the door is. I recently hung this sign in my entry.

http://www.bambeco.com/getdynamicimage.aspx?path=Be-Nice-OR-Leave2390.jpg&w=250&h=250

It sort of took care of some of the issues I have with my son. LOL

My sister has one similar only bigger. It took care of issues she had with her inlaws (parents, siblings, etc.)

[Bini]

BIL isn't very gentle with my sister, either. We were at the dinner table and she says, "Would you please get me a bowl of ice cream", because her hands were full with the baby. He looks up at her and says, "No get it yourself." JERK. My husband would have just done it. But then again, I have a special hubby and not many compare to him. Still, does that guy ever do anything for anyone else? So "I" got up and got her a bowl. Looks like I got 2 BILS now that are "winners". One on my husband's side and one on my side. One is a cocky arrogant mr-know-it-all, and the other is just icky and creepy. How'd I get so lucky? :) I can't imagine spending eternity with either of those men.. Multiple props to sister and SIL, seriously.

[applepansy]

Sometimes these kinds of people come into our lives as a test. Not a fun test but a life test.

I've had to ask myself how often do I turn the other cheek with some of the inlaws.

[Backroads]

In my immediate family growing up, we were all zero tolerance when it came to disrepect, and I brought it to my marriage. Which made for a few small problems because my husband comes from a more tolerant family. My husband knows he has to be very careful what he says to me (and he is a dear, sweet husband, but he can't be flippant or even too fake-serious-teasing) becausae of how I was raised.

About a year ago, this actually caused a big fight between my family and my husband just because we are all zero-tolerance at even the guise of disrespect and my husband comes from a family where they will be what some might consider to be rude to get a point across, then forgive and forget. It's taken some big understandings for everyone that family dynamics are different.

Though if I get my way, which I think is going to happen, my family will be raised in a zero tolerance for disrespect environment.

I guess what I'm saying is that while he is your sister's husband, you can't be responsible for his personality and reactions. Talk to your sister to see if she'll give him a talking to, then put up your defenses for if it happens again.