Involved in pornography, quite a few problems; what should I do?

[Rhoy]

Warning; long post ahead!

So, I recently returned from my mission, and I returned to a habit of pornography of 10 years. Last night was my 4th time confessing to my priesthood leader. The other 3 times I was not completely honest with my recovery to myself or my bishop so that I could attend the temple and do other things that I shouldn't have done, which is why I guess the first 3 times didn't work. I was one of the last people anyone would think have a problem, and I think that's why I'm afraid. But this time I'm ready to be completely honest. I confessed, and my bishop and I are going to meet on a regular basis, and I'm starting the Addiction program.

I suppose another reason that it was hard for me to overcome is because it never got "serious". I have never masturbated before (and I am dead honest here), and I only look at softcore stuff (hardcore stuff I find, luckily, repulsing). I probably view it 2-3 times per week in 30 minutes-1 hour sessions. It's odd, because I suffer depression as well, so if I don't view it I don't have withdrawals. I don't even get aroused that often; I guess I view it as sort of a quick-fix to the emptiness I feel quite often because of depression, so I am more likely to view it when really depressed or excessively bored. So, the point is, because of the "light" nature of it, I never saw it as something to fix (although I see now, at least a little bit, that any viewing of pornography is bad).

So, I have a few situations. I was working in the temple, and now I'm obviously going to have to stop. I live at home, so my parents will certainly ask questions. While we all love each other, none of us are really that close, and I don't feel entirely comfortable talking to them about it (they don't even really know the extent of my depression or any of my other problems). How can I handle this tactfully? I would be more likely to open up to my mother, but she being a woman, I don't want to break her heart, especially because she thinks I'm so "innocent and pure."

Another problem is that I don't really have a firm conviction that this is wrong. I feel guilty, but I guess it hasn't really sunk in what would be different if I continued on, as compared to if I dropped it. I have a testimony, but I've never really pondered this. Plus, I find myself doubting the Atonement; I believe Christ paid for my sins and that pornography could eventually be "cleared," but deep down I don't really believe that I can ever be healed or freed from this. How can I gain a stronger testimony of the Atonement, especially in my own life? And God feels so distant; is it because of my sins that I can't hear God's answers to my prayers? I've never been really good at hearing Him; I've been the kind of one to pray and just go with it, having faith that God would guide my path. But I could use an assurance that He loves me right now.

The last thing is, there's this girl that I care about. We go to the same ward, and it's only been a week since we started consistently talking together and so forth, but I feel like we click pretty good. Not as in we know we already want to get involved right away or anything, but we are already decently good friends. On Sunday, I asked her out, but earlier she mentioned that she would not date someone with an addiction to pornography (mind I didn't tell her about mine). So, I already see that it would be a very bad idea to date her right now; maybe in a few months, if I'm doing well with pornography. But now I'm debating if we should even become friends, because I feel there's a good chance we would get involved, and I don't want to break her heart because of this. So, what do I do with her? Do I reject her as a friend? Do I become friends, but let her know (without mentioning porn) that I am not in a position to become involved with her at this point? I don't have any other friends, and I would hate to lose her, but if it's for her good then I will. And I see a lot on these forums and in other places that most LDS girls refuse to knowingly marry anyone with a history of pornography. Are my chances ruined for marriage? In spite of all this, my greatest dream is to be married in the temple with lots of children, living the gospel as a family, and I don't know if I could stand knowing that I threw that all away with this.

Lastly, as said before, I don't really have anyone to talk to about this (I guess that's why I'm posting on this forum). I don't have anyone I feel I can be completely open with. Where can I find support in this sense?

I believe that's it. I would appreciate answers; since last night, I haven't felt well at all, especially pondering that I threw away any hopes of ever being worthy again.

Edited September 20, 2012 by Rhoy

[mnn727]

I believe that's it. I would appreciate answers; since last night, I haven't felt well at all, especially pondering that I threw away any hopes of ever being worthy again.

You can be worthy again. My gosh its not like you killed someone or blasphemed against the Holy Ghost. You'd probably be surprised at the number of members (male AND Female) in the Church that have this issue (its why its discussed so many times in G.C.) The addiction recovery should help.

Not going to answer all of your post as there are others better able to, but about the girl. I would try to keep things casual until you have this beat. As far as telling her - no reason to at this point.

One thing to keep in mind, the pictures are not reality - the models have been professionally made up and the photos retouched. Real people for the most part have physical flaws. To me that's one big reason to avoid porn, its sets your expectations too high.

Edited September 20, 2012 by mnn727

[Windseeker]

Hey Rhoy,

It sounds like you are on the right path. You need to overcome this, spending that much time polluting your mind with this is not healthy for you and will impact your future. If you think what you’re doing is sustainable I can tell you it’s not. It will lead to so much pain it might be hard for you to even comprehend at this point. Divorce, losing your job, alienation from your own children and grandchildren are all some of the possible fruits I've seen from this sin. It ought to give you pause.

I can relate to so much of what you've said especially regarding your relationship with Heavenly Father. It seems like you need to start combining your understanding of the purpose of life, plan of salvation, and the Atonement. The Atonement can free us from sin but it can't change the purpose of life and the fact we will be tempted and tempted throughout our lives. It will get easier as you continue your fight.

You should be engaged in healthy relationships with women and at your age that means going out and dating. You need to overcome this before you think about getting serious with anyone and for your sake, if things do get serious, I would absolutely let the girl know you have struggled with this issue. This is not just for her it's for you as well.

You will find someone who accepts you but you need to be worthy of them.

I wish you the best

[MorningStar]

You don't have a firm conviction that it's wrong because you have become desensitized to it. You aren't seeing them as real people.

Simply not looking at porn for three months isn't going to be enough. It's not just about looking. It's what it does to your mind and heart - the way you think about women. You need a change of heart.

[jb789]

Warning; long post ahead!

Lastly, as said before, I don't really have anyone to talk to about this (I guess that's why I'm posting on this forum). I don't have anyone I feel I can be completely open with. Where can I find support in this sense?

I believe that's it. I would appreciate answers; since last night, I haven't felt well at all, especially pondering that I threw away any hopes of ever being worthy again.

I would suggest being completely open to your bishop. The misconception many have is that they are the only ones to struggle with this - the reality is that many (perhaps as much as 50% of LDS men) have difficulties with this. Seriously, it is quite common, with probably a majority of those who struggle with it keeping it to themselves and not speaking with bishop/etc about it.

You can certainly be worthy again - I would focus on doing the best you can, and relying on the Savior to help you. I learned myself that when I can be content doing the best I can, working at things, etc, I'm happy. I'm not perfect according to some external standard, but I always feel that God loves me, and that I can rely on the Savior to make up the difference. This is a great key to happiness - "worthiness" is not some goal out in the distant future - it is something we achieve each day as we fulfill our potential and do our best. This is the attitude that leads to peace and eventually returning to God.

I would be completely honest with your bishop, and commit to doing your best as your work through this. Ironically, not attending the temple may not be the best option - I've found that regular temple attendance greatly decreases the desires to sin and err. Just like regular prayer and scripture study. Ask your bishop what he would suggest - I've spoken with a couple bishops concerning this and they both agreed (myself included) that continuing to regularly attend the temple is an important part of reducing the desires to sin.

Be as realistic as you can. Idealistic expectations (which are very common in LDS culture) will not help us. We have to be humble enough to see ourselves as we are, flaws and all. Only then can we begin to improve. Focus on doing your best, and be content with the results. We all have weaknesses - it may feel like you are the only one, but this is far from the truth.

[Misshalfway]

I think it is crucial to find someone that you can be completely honest with. This stuff thrives in secret...and as you probably know....we are only as sick as our secrets. Have you thought about hiring a therapist? Seeing a bishop is certainly an important component. But it seems you've tried going the bishop route a number of times and are still finding yourself in the same pattern. I guess I'm wondering if going to the bishop might be part of your using cycle.

And you seem insightful into why/when you use ...."to fill that hole". Seems pretty clear to me that your problem isn't really the light porn. Based on what you've shared, it doesn't sound like your using is about needing fantasy or "chasing the dragon" with new novel experiences. It really seems to me that it's more about getting the light dopamine fix that looking at a provocative picture gives you.

Since you are really just self medicating, wouldn't you like to find some better ways to cope with the "hole"? There really are so many relatively simple answers to help you break this cycle you are in. I hope you open yourself up to finding what is out there. I really think a short time with a therapist could do you a world of good.

[mdfxdb]

1. See someone about your depression. This may be what the root cause is. If you can get help for your depression you will become clear on other matters.

2. I will skip your other stuff, and just address the "girl". You should only be friends with her. Do not form an emotional attachment to her or have her form one to you if you know you are not ready or worthy. To do different is to toy with her emotions and is unfair.

[Guest gamesveta]

"In 2011, the Wikimedia Board committed to installing a 'controversial content' filter even weaker than Google's SafeSearch, as proposed by the '2010 Wikimedia Study of Controversial Content.' Since then, after growing opposition by some Wikipedians, some board members have made it clear that they do not expect this filter to be finished and installed. Nevertheless, Wikipedia continues to host an enormous amount of extremely gross porn and other material most parents don't want their kids stumbling across.

And this content is some of the website's most-accessed. Nevertheless, children remain some of Wikipedia's heaviest users. Jimmy Wales has recently reiterated his support for such a filter, but no work is being done on it, and the Foundation has not yet issued any statement about whether they intend to continue work on it."

cryobank

[skippy740]

Warning; long post ahead!

So, I recently returned from my mission, and I returned to a habit of pornography of 10 years. Last night was my 4th time confessing to my priesthood leader. The other 3 times I was not completely honest with my recovery to myself or my bishop so that I could attend the temple and do other things that I shouldn't have done, which is why I guess the first 3 times didn't work. I was one of the last people anyone would think have a problem, and I think that's why I'm afraid. But this time I'm ready to be completely honest. I confessed, and my bishop and I are going to meet on a regular basis, and I'm starting the Addiction program.

I suppose another reason that it was hard for me to overcome is because it never got "serious". I have never masturbated before (and I am dead honest here), and I only look at softcore stuff (hardcore stuff I find, luckily, repulsing). I probably view it 2-3 times per week in 30 minutes-1 hour sessions. It's odd, because I suffer depression as well, so if I don't view it I don't have withdrawals. I don't even get aroused that often; I guess I view it as sort of a quick-fix to the emptiness I feel quite often because of depression, so I am more likely to view it when really depressed or excessively bored. So, the point is, because of the "light" nature of it, I never saw it as something to fix (although I see now, at least a little bit, that any viewing of pornography is bad).

If you're really suffering from depression, then I would recommend a different "quick-fix". Check out St. John's Wort supplements at your local grocery store. I find that they work pretty well for me.

So, I have a few situations. I was working in the temple, and now I'm obviously going to have to stop. I live at home, so my parents will certainly ask questions. While we all love each other, none of us are really that close, and I don't feel entirely comfortable talking to them about it (they don't even really know the extent of my depression or any of my other problems). How can I handle this tactfully? I would be more likely to open up to my mother, but she being a woman, I don't want to break her heart, especially because she thinks I'm so "innocent and pure."

Even though you live at home, some things aren't your parent's business. Your parents love and care about you, but it's up to you to determine how much you want them to know. Worst case scenario: You go to the temple, just to visit the grounds.

Another problem is that I don't really have a firm conviction that this is wrong. I feel guilty, but I guess it hasn't really sunk in what would be different if I continued on, as compared to if I dropped it. I have a testimony, but I've never really pondered this. Plus, I find myself doubting the Atonement; I believe Christ paid for my sins and that pornography could eventually be "cleared," but deep down I don't really believe that I can ever be healed or freed from this. How can I gain a stronger testimony of the Atonement, especially in my own life? And God feels so distant; is it because of my sins that I can't hear God's answers to my prayers? I've never been really good at hearing Him; I've been the kind of one to pray and just go with it, having faith that God would guide my path. But I could use an assurance that He loves me right now.

Even the Savior on the cross asked "Why hast thou forsaken me?" He knows how alone you may feel. But you are never alone. The Adversary (or your own mind) is quick to put you in the most depressing train of thought. Realize that this may be your depression or the Adversary... but know that the Lord loves you even when you don't feel that you "deserve it".

The last thing is, there's this girl that I care about. We go to the same ward, and it's only been a week since we started consistently talking together and so forth, but I feel like we click pretty good. Not as in we know we already want to get involved right away or anything, but we are already decently good friends. On Sunday, I asked her out, but earlier she mentioned that she would not date someone with an addiction to pornography (mind I didn't tell her about mine). So, I already see that it would be a very bad idea to date her right now; maybe in a few months, if I'm doing well with pornography. But now I'm debating if we should even become friends, because I feel there's a good chance we would get involved, and I don't want to break her heart because of this. So, what do I do with her? Do I reject her as a friend? Do I become friends, but let her know (without mentioning porn) that I am not in a position to become involved with her at this point? I don't have any other friends, and I would hate to lose her, but if it's for her good then I will. And I see a lot on these forums and in other places that most LDS girls refuse to knowingly marry anyone with a history of pornography. Are my chances ruined for marriage? In spite of all this, my greatest dream is to be married in the temple with lots of children, living the gospel as a family, and I don't know if I could stand knowing that I threw that all away with this.

My first thought about this girl was "how judgmental she is!" But then, if that is her standard, she has set the bar.

I want you to notice something: Has your freedom of choice been affected by viewing pornography? Yes! You cannot do temple work worthily, nor can you date/marry someone who is seeking a worthy priesthood holder who honors his covenants in word and deed.

It has cost you your freedom and spiritual progression. This is how it is affecting you.

Lastly, as said before, I don't really have anyone to talk to about this (I guess that's why I'm posting on this forum). I don't have anyone I feel I can be completely open with. Where can I find support in this sense?

I believe that's it. I would appreciate answers; since last night, I haven't felt well at all, especially pondering that I threw away any hopes of ever being worthy again.

That's the Adversary working on you again.

I'm going to recommend that you review a FREE CD audio program: A Better Mormon | Become Part of the Solution of Pornography Addiction Register on the site (you'll get a few emails and you can unsubscribe if you want), and download the audio recordings. Listen to them in order. You'll find a nice understanding of various scriptures that will help you to change your mind and your heart. He does offer a coaching program for a nominal charge. This is a good place to start.