Thinks of Me as a Little Kid

[looking4lds]

My fiance thinks of me as a little kid sometimes. For instance, the other night I woke up from sleeping and accidentally knocked over a cup that had a little bit of milk in it, which in turn fell on our power protector and knocked out the electricity in the back of the house. Easy fix: flip the circuit breaker. He yelled and didn't understand how ignorant I was. And then today, I am still sick (not too sick but tired and congested) and had to go clean my parent's house (like I do every week/ once a week), I get home and he is painting the living room. He got more sleep than me and I have already been cleaning. I said I would clean some of our house today but I wanted to take a little bit of time to relax. I hung up our curtain rod and curtains before relaxing. But then he got aggravated with the painting and left. Well, he is mad at me because I don't feel like cleaning right now, that really hurts my feelings because he called me lazy. But I am sick, I have tomorrow after work (when he won't be home) to clean. It is our last day off together and I would prefer to relax, get better, and spend time with him. Last night we did not really spend time together because we were doing our own thing. What should I do? I do not like feeling horrible about myself, when I do stuff, but maybe not when he does stuff.

Thanks and God Bless!

[Vort]

So who, exactly, are you looking for a free wedding location for?

[looking4lds]

Myself. I still want to marry the guy, but I need to be able to communicate to him as well. Looking for other perspectives on how to go about it.

[Guest]

You're looking for lds. . . what? Your religion is listed as "other" and you live with your fiance, so I'm curious.

[looking4lds]

I am looking to become LDS in the future, and he is a non-active member; also he is trying to become active again. Also, I am looking for LDS advice.

[Guest SquidMom]

Given that I only know what you wrote about the situation, it seems like the two of you may benefit from some pre-marriage counseling. It will help with communication.

[jayanna]

Well, with the ups and downs of marriage I have occasionally tried to 'mother' my husband, in a henly way that is. He has only rarely ever attempted to behave toward me as if I am a child, but he has. He was especially frustrated with me before he received the priesthood. We have pretty much settled down since then.

I would chalk it up to a bad day, and forgive him. Things will get better between you as you grow closer to the Lord. You will be more patient, and loving, and confident. Keep reading your scriptures daily, be kind to those that hurt you, be slow to anger and quick to love.

[mnn727]

Sounds like you're headed for trouble -- people don't just change for the better after getting married.

[BadWolf]

This is one of those things that may be nothing, but it is a red flag/warning sign.

What's "this"?

An unequal relationship... Where one person feels above the other enough to chastise/ yell at / browbeat/ etc.

The "feeling like a child" isn't that one actually treats children like that... I do t treat my dog like that, much less my son when either of them do something on accident.

The "feeling like a child" is a dominance/control thing. An inequality. A lack of respect to putright disrespect. Where one person places themselves above the other.

Which is generally a very BAD way to start a marriage.

It's also a warning sign of an abusive relationship. It may not be. It may just be a bad day. But it's a waving red flag.

Strong 2nd for premarital counseling.

[Misshalfway]

I think talking about it is a really good test.

If you say "The other day your words were really hurtful. If felt like you were treating me like a child. Yes, I made a mistake but I needed your support instead of your scolding." .....and he says, "I really didn't know I sounded that way. I'm sorry. Let's talk it through." Then he's good people and he prolly had a bad day.

If you address the issue and he gets defensive or continues in a contemptuous way, or you continue to see the contemptuous pattern, I'd be concerned.

Whatever you do, listen to your gut. Don't numb out to it because he or someone else discourages or shames it. Your inner feelings, along with the spirit of the Lord, WILL warn you when something isn't right. So, trust them!

[jayanna]

Okay, well, let's look at this a little less one dimensionally. There are obviously some good things about him or 1. you wouldn't have agreed to marry him and 2. you wouldn't be the least bit interested to learn about his faith.

I have seen many many times this very situation. An inactive member meets someone, that special someone agrees to marry them. They also want to know more about this religion that said inactive member has somewhat of a testimony about. They look into the doctrine, they ask questions, it sounds pretty cool. They meet with missionaries, plan a wedding, plan a baptism.

Meanwhile the inactive member has some things he/she is going through. First a major life change looming ahead, meaning, a big reminder of the responsibiliteis and covenenants made that he/she has not kept. This brings feelings of shame and remorse. There is pride to overcome, hurt feelings, fears, a looming repentance process with at least in interview with the bishop that he/she may not hardly know, or may know but not have any good memories of.

Now, the fiance becoming a member is a great thing, right? Until you realize that the person you have found and has accepted you and all of your flaws will now become one of the people that you are afraid will judge you in a negative light. Your hopes become nightmares. This foundation of love between the two of you, the very purpose to begin repenting is to be with them, while they are learning how serious your sins actually are....and you perceive that they are more Christlike than you are. While they are preparing for baptism, you might not even be able to take the sacrament.

People react to this situation in many different ways:

One can be that he/she tries to make their rocky past and resulting sins seem less serious than they actually are by belittling the church teachings or leadership of the local ward.

Another way is to belittle the fiance who is joining...a need to reestablish who is more Christlike by making the other feel like they are stupid or unworthy of love.

The best way is for them to admit the things they have done wrong to the bishop and ask what they can do from now on to fix their relationship with the Lord. If they are truly sorry, and do trust and love the Lord as much as they say they do, they will do what is asked of them to get back to the path of righteousness.

Now what can you do to help fiance. Because you do have two choices here: 1. leave or 2. stay

You haven't left, so obviously you have not chosen choice #1. In order to stay in a successful relationship with this person and to complete the steps to becoming LDS you will be learning that you are worthy of love, of the Lord's love. For your home to be peaceful again, you will need to do those things that lead you toward the Lord. This includes seeing the missionaries and continuing to prepare for baptism. Your fiance will be feeling all kinds of different things, afraid shame prideful, and will be going all over the place.

I would suggest doing scripture reading together. I say scripture reading rather than scripture study because I don't think it is a good idea for either of you to try to interpret what scriptures mean for each other. It will likely cause an argument due to the contention and guilty conscience that your fiance has. He might feel you are trying to convict him, rather than encourage and show him how his Heavenly Father loves him. Scripture reading is a good idea though, as well as couple prayer.

One scripture I would definitely read is the story of the prodigal son. What does the father do when the wayward son returns? He loves his son, and is overjoyed that he has returned, it is celebrated! This same love is what your fiance will recieve from the Savior. There are many stories in the scriptures like this. Tell him you would like to read about Alma the younger, find where it is together and read about that powerful conversion. If that is dangerous territory, just take turns reading the book of Mormon to each other. You will grow closer as a couple and learn more about it.

Regardless of what he chooses to do from this point on, please remember that your relationship with the Savior comes before any other. As you learn and grow in the gospel you will find yourself with more patience, more strength, more self confidence. You will seek to help those around you, and find ways to positively influence and show love for those put in your path. In short, you will become more like the Savior...if this is true, then your love for your fiance will grow and deepen and expand, not shrink. He needs to know this.

The same thing applies to him. As he moves forward on His path to returning to the Lord, he will also be making some changes. It might be rocky for a little while, lifestyle changes and all that, gaining humility and losing that pride or fear can be hard if it has been a companion for a long time. But as he goes you will see him grow and mature and become more Christlike. He might not be at your side as he goes out to help others. Let him do those things that might take his time away from you. He will return a better man, and even more appreciative of what the two of you have. Whether the two of you are married or not as he is growing spiritually, I don't know. As you continue to pray together, ask the Lord when and if you should get married. You will know the answer. It might be hard, you might have to get married right away, you might need to wait quite a while, or not get married at all. I do know that if you follow the counsel of the Holy Spirit, you will feel the joy of knowing your Heavenly Father loves and cares for both of you.

Edited November 4, 2012 by jayanna

[bythelake]

I think there are some things you need to consider.

One is to consider whether the type of incidents you mentioned are a rare occurrence or a regular pattern. From what you have said, it sounds like a regular thing, but I'm not in a position to make that judgment.

A second thing is the communication test. I think what misshalfway said is golden.

I think talking about it is a really good test.

If you say "The other day your words were really hurtful. If felt like you were treating me like a child. Yes, I made a mistake but I needed your support instead of your scolding." .....and he says, "I really didn't know I sounded that way. I'm sorry. Let's talk it through." Then he..... he prolly had a bad day.

If you address the issue and he gets defensive or continues in a contemptuous way, or you continue to see the contemptuous pattern, I'd be concerned.

Another question is, is there a double standard? Does he expect the same things from himself as he does from you; or are you supposed to be a certain way, and he can be as he chooses?

If you find that the kinds of things you've mentioned are an ongoing problem, and it's not resolved by communication, I wouldn't be in a hurry to get married.

Sounds like you're headed for trouble -- people don't just change for the better after getting married.

That is so true. In fact, they will only change at all if they choose to, and that is not something you have control over.

This is one of those things that may be nothing, but it is a red flag/warning sign.

What's "this"?

An unequal relationship... Where one person feels above the other enough to chastise/ yell at / browbeat/ etc.

The "feeling like a child" isn't that one actually treats children like that...

The "feeling like a child" is a dominance/control thing. An inequality. A lack of respect to outright disrespect. Where one person places themselves above the other.

Which is generally a very BAD way to start a marriage.

It's also a warning sign of an abusive relationship. It may not be. It may just be a bad day. But it's a waving red flag.

I agree.

I also suggest doing a search online for the "walking on eggshells" test.

I'm speaking from my own experience, during 20 years of marriage and four children (13-19). In my case, I never had a clue until we were already married.

If I had to go back in time and make the choice whether to marry him, knowing what I know now, I could not do it.

Edited November 4, 2012 by bythelake