Unresolved family matters and serving a mission?

[Bini]

I would appreciate feedback from any bishops or priesthood holders that are knowledgeable on this.

I was talking with my aunt (she is not LDS) the other day and learned that my cousin's son will be serving a mission very soon. I also learned that my cousin has been estranged from her son for almost two years now. According to my aunt, this was a result of him feeling that his parents were overbearing and too controlling, so he took off without word of where he was going. He is currently living with his sister and her husband (who along with my aunt) have promised to keep his whereabouts secret from my cousin and her husband. It hasn't been much of a challenge since the kids live in Colorado and my cousin lives in California. Granted, I don't know the whole story but it's sad nonetheless. Yesterday my cousin posted on FB: Happy Birthday, Son. Hope you are well and happy wherever you may be"..

I guess a fallout between child and parents isn't necessarily a sin but it doesn't seem right that you would proceed with serving a mission, when you have not amended issues with your family. After all, the gospel is centred around family and puts great emphasis on: Families can be together forever. If you don't value family, how can you serve the Lord?

[Vort]

I agree. Sounds like the young man needs to repent. Hopefully, he will realize this on his mission.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

According to my aunt, this was a result of him feeling that his parents were overbearing and too controlling, so he took off without word of where he was going. He is currently living with his sister and her husband (who along with my aunt) have promised to keep his whereabouts secret from my cousin and her husband.

Bini, I think the important thing to keep in mind is that you don't know the whole story here. "Overbearing and too controling" really does not seem like a justifiable reason to leave your family and not let them know where you are...or for your sister and brother in law to support you in that action.

Because this doesn't make sense, it tells me there is much more to the story here. It brings all kinds of questions to my mind.

What if the young man is not the bad guy here? Is that possible? Could the reasons he left his family and wants no contact with them be more than what you were told?

If we imagine for a moment that he is not the bad guy, and that he is acting reasonably and rationally...(the support of his sister and brother in law give me reason to believe this)....then what circumstances would be serious enough to cause him to leave?

Maybe we will never know the answers to any of these questions, but they serve to remind us that there are two sides to every story . . .

[Bini]

Bini, I think the important thing to keep in mind is that you don't know the whole story here. "Overbearing and too controling" really does not seem like a justifiable reason to leave your family and not let them know where you are...or for your sister and brother in law to support you in that action.

Because this doesn't make sense, it tells me there is much more to the story here. It brings all kinds of questions to my mind.

What if the young man is not the bad guy here? Is that possible? Could the reasons he left his family and wants no contact with them be more than what you were told?

If we imagine for a moment that he is not the bad guy, and that he is acting reasonably and rationally...(the support of his sister and brother in law give me reason to believe this)....then what circumstances would be serious enough to cause him to leave?

Maybe we will never know the answers to any of these questions, but they serve to remind us that there are two sides to every story . . .

I am in no position to label either party "the bad guy".

This said, if my cousin is anything like my own parents, I can totally understand how a teenager would breakaway and takeoff without notice. I did when I was a teenager because I felt that my father was cold-hearted and uncaring. Basically, I was not a fan of his "tough love" method. So I left at seventeen and did whatever I wanted.

ETA. His sister and her husband are not estranged from my cousin, however, they are not close to her either (probably for the same reasons. Mum was just too overbearing). Still, they communicate vaguely via Facebook but that's about it. My aunt on the other hand, her heart breaks for my cousin, and as much as she wishes to disclose where her son is, she believes it is not her place.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I am in no position to label either party "the bad guy".

I agree.

In my mind though your question about whether or not he should reconcile with his family before serving a mission is assuming he is the one in error, i.e. the bad guy that needs to repent.

Forgiveness, while a true principle, is not a one-size-fits all priniciple. In some situations, reconciliation could be part of the forgiveness process, but in other situations, for example in cases of abuse, reconciliation would NOT be required.

If you don't value family, how can you serve the Lord?

I don't know thie young man's situation...but generalizing here...not all families are healthy...some are abusive. Getting distance from an abusive situation does not mean you don't value family. Again, we don't know abuse was an issue in this case...but we also don't know it wasn't. . .

I think it would be best to leave this between this young man and HIS Bishop.

[Bini]

I agree.

In my mind though your question about whether or not he should reconcile with his family before serving a mission is assuming he is the one in error, i.e. the bad guy that needs to repent.

Forgiveness, while a true principle, is not a one-size-fits all priniciple. In some situations, reconciliation could be part of the forgiveness process, but in other situations, for example in cases of abuse, reconciliation would NOT be required.

I don't know thie young man's situation...but generalizing here...not all families are healthy...some are abusive. Getting distance from an abusive situation does not mean you don't value family. Again, we don't know abuse was an issue in this case...but we also don't know it wasn't. . .

I think it would be best to leave this between this young man and HIS Bishop.

I don't believe he is an abuse victim. That said, if he were, I agree that one needn't carry on a relationship with their abuser but forgiveness is necessary.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I don't believe he is an abuse victim. That said, if he were, I agree that one needn't carry on a relationship with their abuser but forgiveness is necessary.

I agree, but forgiveness has no time-limits, no expiration dates...WE do not get to tell other people how long they should take to forgive.

Sis. Okasaki gave a great talk about healing from sexual abuse, and she said it can take on average 15 years for someone in this situation to be able to heal and forgive. She also said that forgiving prematurely can can impede healing. The talk is in her book, Disciples.

[Bini]

I agree, but forgiveness has no time-limits, no expiration dates...WE do not get to tell other people how long they should take to forgive.

Sis. Okasaki gave a great talk about healing from sexual abuse, and she said it can take on average 15 years for someone in this situation to be able to heal and forgive. She also said that forgiving prematurely can can impede healing. The talk is in her book, Disciples.

I think we had this discussion already here :)

Like I said, I haven't heard side one or side two, of this story - just what my aunt has relayed. I would inquire more from my cousin, and her kids but my aunt warns me that it's a bit of a sensitive topic. So I've kept neutral on it. Assuming, however, that this situation is indeed a matter of "I don't like how mum and dad run things", I feel he (and them) should work towards a resolution.

[beefche]

I feel he (and them) should work towards a resolution.

But it's not your call, Bini. Yes, you are related, but you are not close to any of them.

All you can do is being a listening ear for your mom.

[skippy740]

Forgiveness does not always require reconciliation with those who you feel wronged you.

Forgiveness is an act that one does to cleanse themselves of feelings against another.

As LiterateParakeet said - we don't know the whole story. For me, it tells me that this young man has a testimony of FAMILIES, but may not necessarily use HIS family as an example to base his lesson on.

Keep in mind that one of the mission rules is to write to your family every week. He may not like it, but it is a mission rule. I believe that if he has forgiven his family, he will write to them - not to reconcile, but to share a little of his experiences and to be obedient to mission rules.

Most missionaries use email. For him, he may want to write it in an email and then copy/paste to a document, print & mail it directly.

[beefche]

Forgiveness does not always require reconciliation with those who you feel wronged you.

Forgiveness is an act that one does to cleanse themselves of feelings against another.

As LiterateParakeet said - we don't know the whole story. For me, it tells me that this young man has a testimony of FAMILIES, but may not necessarily use HIS family as an example to base his lesson on.

Keep in mind that one of the mission rules is to write to your family every week. He may not like it, but it is a mission rule. I believe that if he has forgiven his family, he will write to them - not to reconcile, but to share a little of his experiences and to be obedient to mission rules.

Most missionaries use email. For him, he may want to write it in an email and then copy/paste to a document, print & mail it directly.

If his family is toxic to him, he may not be required to write his parents. His family can be his sister, or a ward family, etc.

[Bini]

But it's not your call, Bini. Yes, you are related, but you are not close to any of them.

All you can do is being a listening ear for your mom.

I don't claim it to be "my call". Just stating how I feel about it from what's been shared.