Is going inactive a marriage breaker?

[Drpepper]

Ok maybe that title was a little misleading.

I came across this situation on another thread and perhaps it has been flushed out before.

Here it is. Married couple ( temple marriage) one partners testimony begins to waiver in the gosple and before long they go less active. Here's my question. Is going less active a marriage deal breaker? It seems through some posts I've read that if a person is going less active and informs their partner, they might as well have said "honey I'm actually Gay".

I don't think if my wife told me she was going less active tomorrow I would say. " that's it you and me and the last 15 years are over."

However there does seem to be a culture in the church of no activity and it's sayonara.

I'm interested how other people feel about this.

[Anddenex]

Yes, the title was very misleading.

I personally feel it depends on the individual and what an individual decides to do is their choice. My experience ... when a spouse chooses to be inactive it provides an additional strain on the active spouse especially if children are involved.

There are many variables to this situation which also may change our perspective. I have watched a father choose to be inactive. I have watched his spouse cry plenty of tears to the Bishop regarding the choice of their spouse. I have watched children, especially older children use the inactive spouse as a reason to no longer to attend church also, while the mother patiently, and not so patiently, deal with seeking to honor her covenants in making sure they attend their church meetings.

I have watched the spouse choose to give in and now both couples are inactive, and want nothing to do with the church. Instead of one being inactive, now the whole family is inactive and wants nothing to do with God, or any church.

I have watched others who have remained faithful, while the husband/wife doesn't care or support the other spouse.

Would this relationship have been different if she would have stood ground? I have watched an inactive spouse threaten his/her other spouse that if she/he takes the children to church the marriage is over. Thus it leaves one spouse with an unfortunate decision.

My personal thoughts, it really depends on the situation and whether or not the spouse feels what is right. It really doesn't matter what I think.

What if the spouse not only chooses inactivity but his decision of inactivity is due to drug abuse. I have watched this happen. Does she remain or stay with him (or vice-versa)?

What if the spouse who is now going inactive changes and becomes an abusive husband?

If a husband or wife, prays, goes to the temple and receives and impression to leave, or to provide an ultimatum, then that is the spouse's right.

In each situation, the spouse should make it a matter of prayer. I for one am grateful for a spouse who would not put up with any inactivity on my part. She expects me to live up to the covenant I made with her. I don't see anything, personally, wrong with this.

[Drpepper]

I for one am grateful for a spouse who would not put up with any inactivity on my part. She expects me to live up to the covenant I made with her. I don't see anything, personally, wrong with this.

Can I assume then from the above statement that if you went less active for testimony reasons then this would be a deal breaker?

[kevieb]

I haven't noticed that culture you are speaking about in the area where I live--but I am dealing with a situation that is similar--my husband is semi-active, and hasn't treated me the best all the time--but there have also been good times---I am not ready to give up on him----but I am disappointed with what seems like a lack of concern that my husband no longer comes to church with us, shows up during sunday school and cleans the chapel---then we sit next to the door for sacrament meeting---and he is the first one out the door when church is over.

I listened to one of the counselors in the bishopric on Sunday say that people need fellowship, something to do, and to be taught the gospel. I couldn't resist raising my hand and saying that if only one of those things is emphasized and not all three--we are going to lose them anyway.

My husband is dealing with some issues in his life right now that are difficult. Moving into our ward was difficult---he used to say that he wanted to make sure that no one felt like we did when we first moved in---so he went out of his way to introduce himself to new people. I feel really bad that hardly anyone seems to care that he is only attending sacrament meeting and won't accept a calling.

[kevieb]

I haven't noticed that culture you are speaking about in the area where I live--but I am dealing with a situation that is similar--my husband is semi-active, and hasn't treated me the best all the time--but there have also been good times---I am not ready to give up on him----but I am disappointed with what seems like a lack of concern that my husband no longer comes to church with us, shows up during sunday school and cleans the chapel---then we sit next to the door for sacrament meeting---and he is the first one out the door when church is over.

I listened to one of the counselors in the bishopric on Sunday say that people need fellowship, something to do, and to be taught the gospel. I couldn't resist raising my hand and saying that if only one of those things is emphasized and not all three--we are going to lose them anyway.

My husband is dealing with some issues in his life right now that are difficult. Moving into our ward was difficult---he used to say that he wanted to make sure that no one felt like we did when we first moved in---so he went out of his way to introduce himself to new people. I feel really bad that hardly anyone seems to care that he is only attending sacrament meeting and won't accept a calling.

[Anddenex]

Can I assume then from the above statement that if you went less active for testimony reasons then this would be a deal breaker?

I honestly do not know. I know that she would be forgiving, loving, and yet she would have expectations.

I am only specifying that she expects me to live up to the covenants I have made personally with the Lord, and that I have personally made with her. I am grateful for this.

[Guest]

If nothing else about my husband or our relationship changed for the worst, of course I would remain married to him. This is also hoping that he'll be supportive in raising our children how we've agreed, including joining us in family scripture and prayer. If he made himself a stumbling block to raising our children in the Gospel, that would be a problem. . . but if he went that far, I think other things would be going on with him, too.

And of course I would be very sad and pray very hard for him to regain his testimony and desire to be active in the Church.

[Guest]

If nothing else about my husband or our relationship changed for the worst, of course I would remain married to him. This is also hoping that he'll be supportive in raising our children how we've agreed, including joining us in family scripture and prayer. If he made himself a stumbling block to raising our children in the Gospel, that would be a problem. . . but if he went that far, I think other things would be going on with him, too.

And of course I would be very sad and pray very hard for him to regain his testimony and desire to be active in the Church.

[Guest]

Oh and speaking with my mod hat on, I changed the title. The original one was misleading.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

For quite awhile church was very difficult for me, I spent many Sundays crying in the bathroom (not my ward members fault, just something I have been working through). Each week though, I would ask myself why I keep coming back. My husband was well aware that I was on the verge of becoming inactive. He promised to support me and stand by me. He still would have attended church with the kids, but he would not have left me. Likewise I would not leave him. I started meeting with the Bishop regularly, to discuss some of the particular issues I was having (not worthiness issues ) and that has helped steady my personal Ark.

I can't say what is right for other people, but generally speaking, I don't think your spouse being inactive is sufficient reason for divorce. It is true the kids might decide they don't want to go to church if dad isn't going, but the same could happen if the couple was divorced. Trouble with divorce is that in that sitation maybe they spend weekends, or the summer with dad (whatever the custody arrangement is) and then they really don't go, and other influences...inappropriate movies, video games etc...could happen. It seems that if inactivity were the only issue, keeping everyone under the same roof would be a much better idea.

DrPepper, I don't think leaving your spouse if they become inactive is the church culture. I know couples that work this out without separating. What I see as more likely is that the spouse who leaves the church may decide to separate because of their new "values". This happened to a friend of mine. She was the one that left the church and became atheist, and she was the one that requested the divorce. But in that case, they had issues long before she left the church, that just became the final straw, i.e. she was trying to work things out because of the gospel...when she no longer believed, there was no more reason (in her reasoning) to stay.

[Maureen]

Oh and speaking with my mod hat on, I changed the title. The original one was misleading.

You did?

M.

[Guest]

The current title of this thread is different from the original. You may need to refresh to see the new one.

[applepansy]

Ok maybe that title was a little misleading.

I came across this situation on another thread and perhaps it has been flushed out before.

Here it is. Married couple ( temple marriage) one partners testimony begins to waiver in the gosple and before long they go less active. Here's my question. Is going less active a marriage deal breaker? It seems through some posts I've read that if a person is going less active and informs their partner, they might as well have said "honey I'm actually Gay".

I don't think if my wife told me she was going less active tomorrow I would say. " that's it you and me and the last 15 years are over."

However there does seem to be a culture in the church of no activity and it's sayonara.

I'm interested how other people feel about this.

When we are sealed in the temple our covenant isn't until "one of us goes inactive"... its for time and ALL ETERNITY.

Also, we don't covenant with out spouse to be married to them. We covenant with our Father to be married to our spouse.

So... No, its shouldn't be a deal breaker.

[applepansy]

Yes, the title was very misleading.

I personally feel it depends on the individual and what an individual decides to do is their choice. My experience ... when a spouse chooses to be inactive it provides an additional strain on the active spouse especially if children are involved.

There are many variables to this situation which also may change our perspective. I have watched a father choose to be inactive. I have watched his spouse cry plenty of tears to the Bishop regarding the choice of their spouse. I have watched children, especially older children use the inactive spouse as a reason to no longer to attend church also, while the mother patiently, and not so patiently, deal with seeking to honor her covenants in making sure they attend their church meetings.

I have watched the spouse choose to give in and now both couples are inactive, and want nothing to do with the church. Instead of one being inactive, now the whole family is inactive and wants nothing to do with God, or any church.

I have watched others who have remained faithful, while the husband/wife doesn't care or support the other spouse.

Would this relationship have been different if she would have stood ground? I have watched an inactive spouse threaten his/her other spouse that if she/he takes the children to church the marriage is over. Thus it leaves one spouse with an unfortunate decision.

My personal thoughts, it really depends on the situation and whether or not the spouse feels what is right. It really doesn't matter what I think.

What if the spouse not only chooses inactivity but his decision of inactivity is due to drug abuse. I have watched this happen. Does she remain or stay with him (or vice-versa)?

What if the spouse who is now going inactive changes and becomes an abusive husband?

If a husband or wife, prays, goes to the temple and receives and impression to leave, or to provide an ultimatum, then that is the spouse's right.

In each situation, the spouse should make it a matter of prayer. I for one am grateful for a spouse who would not put up with any inactivity on my part. She expects me to live up to the covenant I made with her. I don't see anything, personally, wrong with this.

All the variable you list make it more than just an "inactive" issue.

[Maureen]

The current title of this thread is different from the original. You may need to refresh to see the new one.

When I first saw this thread it was titled:

I've changed my mind

I've refreshed, I've logged-out and logged-in again and the title still says I've changed my mind.

What did you change it to?

M.

[Guest]

"I've changed my mind" is the new title. The original one was misleading and borderline inappropriate.

[Maureen]

"I've changed my mind" is the new title. The original one was misleading and borderline inappropriate.

OK, good to know. The title still does not give an idea about the subject matter, IMO.

M.

[Guest]

It's about whether a spouse changing their mind about being active in the church should be a deal-breaker in a marriage, and it was a reasonable modification to the original title.

[Maureen]

It's about whether a spouse changing their mind about being active in the church should be a deal-breaker in a marriage, and it was a reasonable modification to the original title.

Now I'm really curious about the original title. :)

M.

[Anddenex]

All the variable you list make it more than just an "inactive" issue.

Correct. Yet, I have known a man who was fully active, then inactive as a result of drug abuse.

Thus, I think a spouse should determine the reason why he/she is inactive before making any decision.

I agree we are married for time and all eternity, however that marriage is conditioned upon our faithfulness

[pam]

Well I put my head moderator hat on and changed the title again. :)

[Maureen]

Well I put my head moderator hat on and changed the title again. :)

Excellent thread title Pam. I guess that's why you're the boss. :)

M.

[Guest]

Nice.

Edited December 30, 2012 by Eowyn

[pam]

Excellent thread title Pam. I guess that's why you're the boss. :)

M.

Actually I was okay with Eowyn's. And the one she chose was certainly better than the original one. But just to help out with any more confusion I just clarified it a bit more.

But thank you Maureen.

[skippy740]

There is a difference between activity in the church and activity in the gospel.

Too many people think that they are one and the same. They are not.

Activity in the church can be an OUTWARD expression of a personal testimony.

However, it is very possible to be active in the church, and have an inactive testimony.

It is also possible to have an active testimony and be inactive in the church.

What's probably most important here is a clarification of standards and expectations from each of you to determine where you both stand on the issue.