Lonely marriage

[Tired]

I have been married to a porn addict for 15yrs. Through out those yrs we have countlessly battled against this addiction.... Losing each time. It's a continous cycle. In the last year I have caught him sexting (sending sexual texts) to someone he claims to have never met. I guess its like calling those "900" #s . I have given up on trying to fight his addiction. That has given him the green light to go full force into his addiction. How much more am I suppose to endure? Words cant explain all the pain & misery this addiction has brought. I have 4 beautiful kids and I am trying to put their needs before mines. It hurts to be in this marriage but I don't know what other options do I have. I don't have the strength to fight anymore.

Edited February 10, 2013 by Tired

[annewandering]

How is staying in your marriage putting the kids ahead of your needs? Is it good to have them exposed to the sexual problems of your husband? Are they actually safe under the circumstances? Are you safe from him bringing disease into your house?

[Tired]

Let me clarify .. Pornography addiction not sexual preditor.

[annewandering]

Let me clarify .. Pornography addiction not sexual preditor.

So he does not act out on his thoughts? That does make a difference. :) Still a very frustrating situation that many besides you have to deal with even in the church. Has he tried or been willing to try some of the addiction recovery programs like the churches 12 step addiction program?

In the end he is the one that has to change as I am sure you have figured out.

So by lonely do you mean he gives you no emotional time or support? I dont want to get into too touchy of areas but porn addicts often do not participate in actual sex which is another big issue besides the morality issue. They seem to have odd views and expectations as to what they expect in sex. He could use a therapist but so could you to help you deal with those issues, to deal with your own emotions, needs and reactions. There are some online support sites for women in your situation. I dont have them at hand at the moment, perhaps someone here does? Or try googling.

Edited February 10, 2013 by annewandering

[Backroads]

I truly believe that it is often better for kids to be in a happy divorced situation than a bad marriage situation.

[Tired]

So he does not act out on his thoughts? That does make a difference. :) Still a very frustrating situation that many besides you have to deal with even in the church. Has he tried or been willing to try some of the addiction recovery programs like the churches 12 step addiction program?

In the end he is the one that has to change as I am sure you have figured out.

So by lonely do you mean he gives you no emotional time or support? I dont want to get into too touchy of areas but porn addicts often do not participate in actual sex which is another big issue besides the morality issue. They seem to have odd views and expectations as to what they expect in sex. He could use a therapist but so could you to help you deal with those issues, to deal with your own emotions, needs and reactions. There are some online support sites for women in your situation. I dont have them at hand at the moment, perhaps someone here does? Or try googling.

His addiction started with pornography. Then recently I caught him texting these fantasies to an actual real person.i'm afraid the next step will be infidelity. Although he denies it, I believe that if he was given the oppurtunity to be unfaithful he will. We have gone to the bishop several times in the past . He would get "cleaned" & few months or yrs later he will relapse. Lots of broken promises of saying he will get help but than never follow through . Everything he has done was because I pushed him. In the end HE has to want to change, like you said. I'm not seeing that .It's been such a roller coaster ride that I think even he has given up. All I know is that It's draining me & I just want to b happy & I'm lonely because I feel like I'm the only one putting my heart into this marriage. Thank you for taking time to response. I appreciate it.

Edited February 11, 2013 by Tired

[Tired]

I truly believe that it is often better for kids to be in a happy divorced situation than a bad marriage situation.

Thank you. I believe that too.. However my kids have no idea there is anything wrong with our marriage. My & my husband are pretty good "friends" and so that's what my kids see. We have regular family outings, FHE , prayers etc.. My kids are my heart and I sheild them from my personal drama . That's why divorce scares me..

[MorningStar]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's so unfair when everything seems fine in the eyes of children and it's over something they shouldn't have to know about.

[Tired]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's so unfair when everything seems fine in the eyes of children and it's over something they shouldn't have to know about.

Exactly! We seperated before when the kids were much younger. Broke my heart the way they cried when daddy had to leave. 10yrs and they will be young adults.. If I could just endure that much longer ...

[MorningStar]

It's different when the kids see it coming for years. I had friends who knew their parents would split up after they were all grown, which they did, but it pulls the rug out from under them when everything seems to be just great. Such an unfair situation. So you left before and that wasn't enough for him to get serious? Some people's rock bottom is much worse than others. Praying for you.

[MrNirom]

Let me ask.. are the two of you sealed?

[Tired]

It was enough ... at the time. Then he'd relapse

[Tired]

Let me ask.. are the two of you sealed?

Yes we are

[missionary0204]

Let me share a brief insight. My wife was very hurt when she found out about my pornography addiction. I was one to look for a few minutes about 2-5 times a month to satisfy a crazy urge. She changed after I told her about it. She started pulling away from me and I could feel it. We went to family counseling and she didn't like what the LDS counselor suggested, so she kept pushing away from me. I knew she was having thoughts about divorce. Her greatest fears were that I would change and expose the children to something in the future. According to the statistics, most men will not overcome the issue. She thought that getting out now would be better.

About me:

I am a powerful gospel doctrine teacher. I have baptized over 50 people and am loved by most. I was an Assistant to the President on my mission, and I believe I have a good heart. The issue is that I have a crazy sex drive and was influenced by things in my youth that seem to never go away. This addition can destroy a person completely no matter how wonderful they "were." The goodness can be replaced with evil as time goes by.

Update:

When I discovered that my wife was having thoughts of leaving me, even though I have truely been a great husband in every other way, it crushed me. I had been praying for something to give me the strength and the desire to motivate me to overcome my problem. Years of breaking and losing the spirit, becoming depressed, and feeling regret for repenting again and again cause one to lose hope. If they just give in, they are ripe for destruction. After much prayer, many tears, and a complete change on my part, we are very happy again. I still have temptations, but I see the change that has happened in both of our lives.

Things I do now because I love my family:

My wife goes to bed at 8-8:45pm and I lay down next to her even though I do not fall asleep that early. I asked my wife to block our satelite for anything above pg13. My computer also has the K9 family protection on it which doesn't even let you access youtube because there is crap on there-the suggested videos always get you. I told her to even turn the internet off on my phone, but ended up having her put a protection on that too. The problem with the phone is that it is too easy to get around, but I will tell my wife if I mess up and go ahead and cancel the service. These measures are only there to help to ease my temptation and it has been working wonderfully. I have mentioned in other threads that as long as I don't see inappropriate things, I usually don't get "the fever." After many years of being clean, I might consider changing all of the restrictions, but for now, I am happy with everything.

I can't be angry about anything because I asked for it to help me. My family is more important than having access to temptation. My wife also understands that she cannot ignore me for long periods of time with no intimacy. Tempations get worse as time goes by. This is no excuse for me to take advantage of her, but my wife doesn't have an interest in sex and used to make me go weeks. She just didn't understand what my problem was. That problem turned into anger when we first married which helped to fuel my breakdown into pornography. Couseling has helped her to understand that she also has to support me even though she doesn't understand what high T-levels can do to a person. There is more to it than this, but I am keeping it short.

If I wasn't willing to sacrifice and change, then the temptation restrictions would not work. Until a person really wants to change and can find the motivation, there isn't much hope in my opinion. I also found motivation from a quote at stake conference that a General Authority gave. "If you view pornography, you are on your way to a temple sealing cancelation." He repeated this statement 3 times and I never forgot it. After many years of dwelling on this quote, I fully believe it.

I have no clue where your husband is at, but I fear for the worst based on what little information you have shared. He seems to be way beyond what I was involved in and I have had a terrible time fighting it until recently. 16 years of this mess and sexting with other women is really taking things far.

You know him pretty good. Would he be willing to give up the temptations? You may want to share with him that he is going to lose his family throughout the eternities. This behavior will destroy everything. See how he responds when you mention this. You may even want to let him know that you are planning on divorcing him. Your husband seems to be in pretty deep and needs a powerful wakeup call. Nothing will change without action.

I have made no recommendations. These are only ideas to add to your knowledge. God bless you dear sister!

[Klaus]

I'm not a shrink, bishop, or have any clinical experience in this. S a kid I looked t playboy. But, in this situation that you are in, he is headed down the road of No return. I have seen friends and family do it. Good luck.

[Bini]

I truly believe that it is often better for kids to be in a happy divorced situation than a bad marriage situation.

This is the quote I agree wholeheartedly with.

"Children would rather be FROM a broken home, than IN a broken home."

[Pahoranite]

I truly believe that it is often better for kids to be in a happy divorced situation than a bad marriage situation.

My experience is that too often people assume they will be in a happy divorced situation, but when children are involved that is seldom the case. Again, each situation is unique, and divorce may be the right decision, but don't simply assume it will result in a "happy divorced situation."

[Bini]

My experience is that too often people assume they will be in a happy divorced situation, but when children are involved that is seldom the case. Again, each situation is unique, and divorce may be the right decision, but don't simply assume it will result in a "happy divorced situation."

The thought process is concerning a "happy divorce" versus an unhappy one. It's not to say that there are unhappy divorces. So with that in mind, a HAPPY divorce (where mummy and daddy are no longer fighting under the same roof and can actually tolerate each other in separation), is in many cases the better alternative to an UNHAPPY marriage, where mummy and daddy are constantly dysfunctional together.

[Tired]

If I wasn't willing to sacrifice and change, then the temptation restrictions would not work. Until a person really wants to change and can find the motivation, there isn't much hope in my opinion. I also found motivation from a quote at stake conference that a General Authority gave. "If you view pornography, you are on your way to a temple sealing cancelation." He repeated this statement 3 times and I never forgot it. After many years of dwelling on this quote, I fully believe it.

Thank you for sharing you story. When does the desire to change come? When will he acknowledge that his behavior is unhealthy to our marriage? I realize now that all the times he was "clean" was because I pushed him to . There was no time where he came clean or seemed out help on his own. I'm scared that its not the porn that's ruining our marriage , It's my marriage that's ruining his beloved addiction ..

[Tired]

The thought process is concerning a "happy divorce" versus an unhappy one. It's not to say that there are unhappy divorces. So with that in mind, a HAPPY divorce (where mummy and daddy are no longer fighting under the same roof and can actually tolerate each other in separation), is in many cases the better alternative to an UNHAPPY marriage, where mummy and daddy are constantly dysfunctional together.

My kids are not at all affected .They don't know that mommy is sad & daddy has an addiction.We don't fight & scream & drag out our drama in front of the kids. My misery pretty much stays between my husband & I. I have come a long way & learned to hide my pain... and that's why I'm torn between divorce. Deal with my own broken heart is hard enough .I'm not sure I can deal with 4 innocent ones....

[mnn727]

I hate giving marriage advice but let me lay out your choices;

1. Say nothing to your husband and let him do what he will (You'll still be unhappy, he won't be)

2. Bug your husband about it and get him to agree to what missionary0204 posted above (Both of you will be unhappy initially, but has the best potential to work out for everyone, but if it does not work, you'll be back in this same situation)

3. Give him an ultimatum to quit porn/sexting and anything like it or lose his family (Also could eventually make everyone happy if he chooses his family, but its risky cause if he chooses porn over his family you would be divorced) Everyone would be unhappy for a while, eventually everyone would get over it and you could eventually find a nice man to marry)

That's the only reasonable choices I see and since he has gone beyond just looking at porn to sexting, to my way of thinking he's removed #1 as a possibility.

So what do you think?

Edited February 12, 2013 by mnn727

[Tired]

So what do you think?

I told him my feelings as suggested by missionary. No ultimatums . I just wanted him to knoe where I am at with this whole mess. Im looking into support groups for myself. Prayerfully taking things slow . Trying to fix me. I am still scared to break my kids heart but I've decided that Im not going to live with this addiction. I love my husband very much but I need to love myself too. Now more than ever .

[ACommonMan]

I told him my feelings as suggested by missionary. No ultimatums . I just wanted him to knoe where I am at with this whole mess.

Laying out your personal boundaries is a critical step and while I understand the inclinations to avoid ultimatums, you should both realize they really are ultimatums. Otherwise, they are empty threats which are not likely to initiate a change. The important thing is they they are shared lovingly, rather than forcefully.

I am relatively new to the whole addiction recovery thing, so part of me is hesitant to give any direct advice. However, the first thing he needs to do is acknowledge that he wants to stop and that the attempts to stop in the past have not worked. The LDS Family Services support groups has been great. I've also been reading "Clean Hands, Pure Heart" by Philip Harrison. Philip shares his experience using the twelve step methodology back before the Church came out with their Gospel Centered Version. I'm not one who has ever been very motivated to read, so I'm working through it slowly. I'm only on Chapter five, but Chapter three was very powerful for me. It's about unlearning the lies we thought we knew about ourselves and lies about how God will react to our sins.

I am still scared to break my kids heart but I've decided that Im not going to live with this addiction.

Keep in mind, there is no "cure" for addiction, only recovery. Like a diabetic, for whom glucose will always be a problem, the disease is managed, not removed. It will be a great help to him to know that you will support his righteous desires to rid himself of the sinful habits. What is appropriate is to let him know you cannot stand by while he continues to "act out", as we say in the program.

[Tired]

the first thing he needs to do is acknowledge that he wants to stop and that the attempts to stop in the past have not worked. The LDS Family Services support groups has been great. I've also been reading "Clean Hands, Pure Heart" by Philip Harrison. Philip shares his experience using the twelve step methodology back before the Church came out with their Gospel Centered Version. I'm not one who has ever been very motivated to read, so I'm working through it slowly. I'm only on Chapter five, but Chapter three was very powerful for me. It's about unlearning the lies we thought we knew about ourselves and lies about how God will react to our .

Yes, that would be the ideal thing for our marriage right now . I would love for that to happen. Too bad its not that easy. He says he is unsure. He hates his addiction but he loves it. He wants to stop but he doesn't. I am giving him time to think this over because I want the desire for change to come from him .

[annewandering]

Yes, that would be the ideal thing for our marriage right now . I would love for that to happen. Too bad its not that easy. He says he is unsure. He hates his addiction but he loves it. He wants to stop but he doesn't. I am giving him time to think this over because I want the desire for change to come from him .

Of course he wants to continue. It gives him easy rewards. He wont get anywhere if he doesnt accept this and he, apparently, does! He is honest both with himself and with you which is a great step.

There are a lot of things in life that give us pleasure. A lot of them are things we deny to ourselves because we want a conflicting thing more. He has to decide now that he wants a happy family now. It is hard because first he has to understand he can not have both. Even if he manages to hide his porn from you. I suspect most of his thoughts are on finding a way he can have both.

There will be no change unless it comes from him. Probably there will be no lasting change if he does not ask for the support of God through prayer and repentance.