Somewhat Lost, but REALLY sad

[benedictine9]

Years ago, I met a man who had been divorced and was miles from his family and 6 children. A college professor, he seemed to know a lot about divorce, and I always felt bad for him because I knew that behind all the facts that he had accumulated, he probably spent so much more effort trying to figure how he had ended up divorced himself.

Sadly, I now find myself in a similar situation, facing reality, and feeling bogged down by thoughts of how I got here, and how this will play out. As this will also affect my children, I am absolutely devastated for them.

I am not a perfect person and have had an imperfect marriage to be sure. We have been married for more than 20 years. That time together has been marked by successes and failures, pain and joy, as well as the scars that living life seems to inflict.

Added to this, my wife was abused as a young girl by the one person who should have been most concerned for her--her father. Looking back, I see that I should have sought counseling as to how best to love her and provide for her emotionally. However, I think I was more likely to blame her depression and our disagreements on her rather than on the "us" that we had created in the temple.

Though I will most likely never know when it started, there surely began to be a rift emotionally that we glossed over for years as we sought more for appearances than marital content and quality.

Sadly, about 9 years ago, I found that she was seeking out what appeared at the time to be emotional relationships. We saw counselors and our bishop, and things appeared to be better.

However, as the years passed, I found emails and texts that indicated more sexually explicit relationships. Finally, I was told that some of these relationships had involved adultery. I was speechless, yet strangely relieved that I wasn't crazy and that my intuition was proven correct.

We made attempts through counseling. My wife even went through the certainly painful and humbling process of dealing with her standing in the Church. There at times were such powerful moments that conveyed her sincerity and godly sorrow as she went through the process of coming into renewed full fellowship.

Recently, sadly, I had the feeling that things were not right. To my absolute dismay, I have confirmed that she is back to at least online relationships that are again very sexual in nature. When confronted with this, she only admitted to what I had found and told me that it was none of my business beyond that. She told me that she wanted out and that there was no saving our marriage at this point.

Naturally, I am so sad. I understand that she is absolutely entitled to her free-agency. But, I am sad that I am most likely going to have to break my children's hearts, and I cry every time I picture the talk we will have to have in the near future with the kids.

I can honestly say that I have never prayed more than I have over the last few weeks. I have talked with many trusted friends and sought the advice of both a counselor and an attorney.

What I am trying to reconcile are the ideas of forgiveness, forever families, etc., with the cold reality that my wife has developed some sort of sex addiction that rears its ugly head during times that our marriage is stressed.

While I am sure that my children do not know details, I am more and more convinced that I need to stand without wavering for the ideals found in The Proclamation on the Family. Every day seems to indicate that while our family as it is constituted right now may change, I can have more of a lasting impact as a father seeking righteousness by establishing a home that truly tries to live close to the Lord. It is so hard to imagine now, but that would presumably also include ultimately seeking a partner who shares a desire to live close to the Lord and would be an example to children who desperately need that in their lives.

While I know that I need to fully come to this myself, I would appreciate any insights anyone might have.

[Guest]

I'm very sorry. It must be very painful for you. I wish I had some words of help or comfort.

[mrmarklin]

As a person who also married someone who suffered abuse as a child, I can sympathize with you. Having known then what I know now, I would have never married this person, although she is a very good woman in many respects. I will say she has been a very faithful wife.

However other behaviors have plagued our marraige, and twenty years of counselling have not made it (the behaviors) go away entirely. Your wife has been damaged beyond what she even knows, and unfortunately you and your family are suffering. But don't blame her entirely. In cases such as hers, the behavior you describe is very common.

[Windseeker]

It’s been seven years but I could have easily written everything that you have. '

It was one of the hardest times in my life for sure. I’ve mentioned before it felt like a pre-judgment in a way; watching everything I had worked for crumble to dust brought me to a deep state of reflection and introspection, regret and desperate repentance for all the mistakes I’ve ever made.

The most painful thing was having to break the news to my children. My oldest daughter upon hearing the news of the pending divorce cried out “What happened to Families are Forever?”.

I’m remarried now, happily for the most part. I have our 4 children and moved across the country. She is living with her boyfriend and it's not been easy for her. For me things have generally gotten better, but I do feel a bit broken in ways that I can’t quit define or explain. I definitely have lost allot of ambition it seems. But I am seeing some of the fruits of the gospel in my life. My children are doing ok under the circumstances and I have great hopes for their future.

There certainly has not been a reprieve in trials and struggles, that’s just part of life.

I can’t say I’ve got the perfect or even correct answer to that question my daughter asked, but I do have faith that Families are indeed Forever. I believe in the Plan of Salvation not the Plan of Damnation. I know that Forgiveness is key and it’s not just a principle for this life but one for eternity.

I never stopped loving my first wife, I understand the reason why she did the things she did and I have great faith that she will maintain her connection with her 4 children in the next life. If I can forgive her than why should it be harder for Heavenly Father to do so?

I’m sorry for what you are going thru.

D&C 122 7 & 8

Know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?

This too shall pass. You will be happy again. Your Heavenly Father is refining you if you will allow it. It’s a never ending process and painful at times. Your children need you to be strong and I think you are on the right path.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Bendectine, I am so sorry for your pain. What a difficult thing this must be for you.

As a person who also married someone who suffered abuse as a child, I can sympathize with you. Having known then what I know now, I would have never married this person, although she is a very good woman in many respects. I will say she has been a very faithful wife.

However other behaviors have plagued our marraige, and twenty years of counselling have not made it (the behaviors) go away entirely. Your wife has been damaged beyond what she even knows, and unfortunately you and your family are suffering. But don't blame her entirely. In cases such as hers, the behavior you describe is very common.

THIS ^^^^ I am aghast. Seriously?????...she's a very good woman, she has been faithful...but if you could do it again you would not marry her? SHE deserves better.

As someone who was severely abused as a child, I am utterly speechless. Actually, that is not true, I have plenty to say, but if I said it my post might get deleted.

I'll just say I wish I had not logged on to LDS.net tonight and read this and leave it at that.

[benedictine9]

Thank you all for your posts. Most importantly, I appreciate the raw honesty that this venue provides.

Robin Williams was in a movie once about chasing his wife into some sort of hell to retrieve her because he loved her so much. While I am no saint, I do believe that I would and have gone to great lengths to survive this WITH her. I would go through even more if I felt that someday in the eternities that I could reach through the veil and find her hand--that she even wanted to be there for mine.

That hope is fading as I see that she has probably committed to a different course. I am SO sad and at times feel like my heart will stop as I contemplate all of the "last" things we have probably done as a family as it is today.

However, it is of paramount importance to me that I continue forward. We decided together to bring 4 wonderful spirits into this world. I will never run from them nor my responsibilities to maintain the covenants I was lucky enough to make in bringing them into this world.

As a missionary, I had occasion to spend a day with an apostle. He made a comment about drawing his wife to him into the eternities by the hand that has always stuck with me. Though I never imagined that life would take this turn, I know that one of the best things I can do for my kids is to live with purpose so that they never question my values or commitment to living them. I guess I just pray that in time I will find a partner whom I can take by the hand with the calm assurance that I will never have to let go.

While there is not a whole lot that I can do to soften the hard landing that this divorce is sure to create for my children, I just pray for the strength to show them that we do not give up or settle and that we can, with the Lord's help, survive and even thrive in the midst of cruel adversity.

Truthfully, I am not sure why I even made a post in the first place. Perhaps it was to vent. Perhaps it was also to make a public commitment to the ideals that I think will best get me and my children through this.

Heartbroken? Yes. Nervous? Yes. But, I am learning that perhaps I can find solace in seeking to put The Lord's will ahead of my own-- that He truly does love me and my broken family--that I can come out of the other side of this better in many ways than when I went in. That is the hope at least.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I love that Robin Williams movie. It's called "What Dreams May Come".

My therapist says, "Pain needs a witness". Sometimes it helps, just get something out of your head even when talking doesn't solve it, it can help the ease the pain a little just to get it out.

Your children are fortunate to have you. Yes, you can all draw close to the Savior and He will help you through this. It won't be easy, but you can do it.

You can come here and vent anytime. I hope that you have someone in real life you can share with as well, a family member, a friend...you will need some support during the days ahead. You need someone to be there for you, so that you can in turn be there for the children.

Just take it one day at a time, and if on some days that seems to much then one hour at a time.

You know in Lehi's Dream, the angel tells Nephi, that the Iron Rod is "the Word of God"...look at the chapter heading for John 1:1..."the Word of God" is one of Christ's names. The Iron Rod is Christ. Cling to Him, and He will help you and your children through the swirling mists of darkness to the Tree.

[mrmarklin]

Bendectine, I am so sorry for your pain. What a difficult thing this must be for you.

THIS ^^^^ I am aghast. Seriously?????...she's a very good woman, she has been faithful...but if you could do it again you would not marry her? SHE deserves better.

As someone who was severely abused as a child, I am utterly speechless. Actually, that is not true, I have plenty to say, but if I said it my post might get deleted.

I'll just say I wish I had not logged on to LDS.net tonight and read this and leave it at that.

She probably does deserve better. I'm not perfect.

What I meant was that knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have brought that type of personality into my home. Why would anyone? There are a lot of good people out there without these sorts of issues.

However, I can say that we have worked through these problems and are still married. More than some can say.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

What I meant was that knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have brought that type of personality into my home. Why would anyone? There are a lot of good people out there without these sorts of issues.

Can't you see how like me --someone with *that type of personality*-- would find your comment offensive???

You realize people "that type of personality" most often marry into dsyfunctional relationships because that is all they know...so if their is trouble in the home and in the marriage it is not soley their fault. . .

Those of us who were abused as children will be healed through Atonement, but what of people who have not learned charity, kindness and humility...they will be found lacking. I am grateful that I didn't bring one of "those un-kind, mean personalities" into my home.

The Lord guided me to my husband,who is a Saint, and would gladly go to Hell for me (like Robin William's character in the movie.)

Edited March 3, 2013 by LiterateParakeet

[mrmarklin]

Well, Parakeet

My intention was not to offend, but perhaps help others. We all make decisions in life, and most of us marry too young to understand the consequences of the choices we may make. I realize that it's not my wife's fault that she is the way she is. If it wasn't for the church she could only have been worse. She doesn't have the attributes of the OPs wife (a very common attribute in these cases), but there are certainly other behaviors that if I had been able to see the signs (which were there) before I was married I would have avoided. After all who would knowingly marry someone with a behavior such as Tourettes for example?? Maybe some would, but not me. There are enough problems in life, that to deliberately enter into them seems a little silly.

Yeah, 20-20 hindsight is very enlightening.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Sorry, I think I understand what you are trying to say, I just so strongly disagree with you that we can't see eye to eye on this.

For starters, yes, what the OP experienced can be an issue for people who were abused as children, however, in my experience it is not as common as you seem to suggest. Since I write a blog about healing from child abuse, other survivors talk to me. Many of them are friends, or ward members....they are all faithful in their marriages.

I think what you are trying to say is that people who were abused as children have issues that can make marriage difficult. That is true, but then doesn't almost everyone? There are plenty of women in the church that are hurting because of their husband's pornography addiction...husbands who were not abused. There are spouses who cheat (and were not abused), spouses that have faith crisises and leave the church, people whose spouses are immature, selfish etc, etc. My point is that marriage can be difficult for all kinds of reasons.

The way I see your "advice", the reason I so strongly disagree with you, is that what it boils down to is this: because someone was unloved and mistreated as a child, they become damaged, unfit and unlovable adults. So not true!!!

To offer another perspective, my 18 yr old son overheard me discussing this thread with my husband, and he said, "Well Mom, many of the Wonders of the World are seriously flawed and people love them....the Leaning Tower of Pisa, the Spinx with no nose. . ."

We teach in the church that adversities and trials are for our benefit and to make us stronger. If we truly believe that (and I do, don't you?) then people who were abused as children, and those who love them must be some of the strongest of Heavenly Father's children.

Abuse survivors deserve to be loved as adults, just as anyone else does. I won't deny that life with them (us) has some complications, but no marriage is without difficulties and challenges to overcome. Opposition in all things, Lehi said.

This life is not easy...it wasn't meant to be.

Edited March 4, 2013 by LiterateParakeet
typos and clarification

[benedictine9]

For me, as I look back, the only thing that I would have changed is me. I should have recognized that this was going to be harder than I thought. I should have sought help to better understand how I could be more supportive amid behavior that I would not understand.

Unknowingly, naively, I was in over my head, and sadly, I used her abuse and family dynamics as the "reason" why we were having issues.

I know that she will have to account for her decisions. I know I will never heal if I blame myself completely for where I am today. However, I do think I bear responsibility for her feeling like she could not find a partner willing to see where he was also wrong.

Edited March 4, 2013 by benedictine9

[Windseeker]

For me, as I look back, the only thing that I would have changed is me. I should have recognized that this was going to be harder than I thought. I should have sought help to better understand how I could be more supportive amid behavior that I would not understand.

Unknowingly, naively, I was in over my head, and sadly, I used her abuse and family dynamics as the "reason" why we were having issues.

I know that she will have to account for her decisions. I know I will never heal if I blame myself completely for where I am today. However, I do think I bear responsibility for her feeling like she could not find a partner willing to see where he was also wrong.

I feel the same way. My first wife had needs that I simply wouldn't understand. She did her best to communicate with me, but I didn't listen until it was too late.

When I married her I thought I was the white night riding in an rescuing her from her evil parents but I found in order to cope with the years of abuse she had developed defense mechanisms like compulsive lying in order to protect herself. I was not prepared and wasn't understanding enough. I believe I made the changes in time and I'm grateful for the changes I made, but in the end she was unforgiving and focused on the mistakes I made in the past, couldn't live with the mistakes she made (and was making) and accept my forgiveness and face our 4 kids. She couldn't forgive herself so she chose to tune us out completely.

She was so self-absorbed in the end; no thought or empathy for any of the kids or my situation. It was tragic because she always wanted to be the perfect mom and to always be there for her kids, and didn't want them raised like she was. But at some point she just didn't want to be part of a family anymore. I don't regret marrying her, I have 4 beautiful kids. I regret the resistance I had to becoming the person Heavenly Father wanted me to be.

I learned something about the Savior and his character. So often when faced with trials we tend to look inward but the Savior during his deepest trials looked outward during those times and sought to comfort and help others. In a book by Elder Bednar he points out the difference in these scriptures.

After the Savior had fasted 40 days and nights and was exhausted after being subject to direct temptation by Satan we see a difference in Joseph Smith Translation.

Matt. 4:11 Then the devil leaveth him, and, behold, angels came and ministered unto him.

JST Matt. 4:11–12 And now Jesus knew that John was cast into prison, and he sent angels, and, behold, they came and ministered unto him [John].

His immediate thought was not for himself but for his disciple. There are also the examples of him healing the ear of the soldier after he completed the grueling Atonement and his thoughts for his mother, the two thieves and those who were crucifying him while suffering on the cross.

I am also discovering that looking outward is one of the greatest keys to happiness.

Edited March 4, 2013 by Windseeker

[All_Apologies]

For me, as I look back, the only thing that I would have changed is me. I should have recognized that this was going to be harder than I thought. I should have sought help to better understand how I could be more supportive amid behavior that I would not understand.

Benedictine, You are Not to blame. Yeah, she was abused. But plenty of people who have been abused don't cheat on their spouses. Have you heard of Karla Faye Tucker? She murdered a bunch of people and in prison became converted to Christ. Some people said that she should not have to suffer the death penalty because of this, and because she suffered a rough childhood. But Ms. Tucker had a good point. She pointed out that her sister had the same childhood that she did and she never murdered anyone.

Basically, your wife's problem is herself. She has an attitude problem. I know this because I have the same attitude problem. I was molested by my brother. Not sure if this is the reason, but I now get to overcome a sexual addiction. And, I've cheated on my husband. My little sister was molested by her uncle. She has never cheated on her husband.

Have you ever thought of attending the church's addiction recovery program? This program is also helpful for family members of those who suffer from addiction. Also, the twelve steps are helpful for Everyone. Everyone. Maybe you could check it out. It could help you heal, regardless of whether or not you stay with your wife.

Prayers sent up for you.

[benedictine9]

Thanks to those who have taken time to reply. Sometimes this feeling of loneliness is so heavy, I feel like I am drowning.

Certainly, there are things about me that will need to change, and I am sure I will need to seek good counseling going forward.

Having children at home is the really paralyzing part right now for me. I can't imagine what this is going to do to them. I can't help but feel like I have failed them. I feel like I can't breathe as I imagine my wife trying to frame this to them in some terms to make this survivable, even palatable to them.

Truthfully, laying it bare, I fear of being overwhelmed with this and not rising to and ultimately past this moment. I fear not being able to trust again to rebuild and yet remain a pillar to my children.

All I can think is that now is the time to draw even closer to the Lord, to come to terms with putting my fate in His hands and believe that He wants me to be happy, and it will be possible.

Thank you all again for your posts.

[ZionsRodeVos]

I still remember how my divorce affected/is affecting my children and at times I think I have failed them and/or am failing them.

My oldest only goes with his mom when he wants to and often it seems she doesn't make time for him these days.

My second oldest doesn't want to talk about that time period at all and by choice has no contact with his mom at all because of their deteriorating ability to communicate and understand each other. It's only been in the last year or two (he's 15 now and he would have been about 6 or 7 when the separation was initiated by me.) that he has begun opening up a little with me.

My other son and only daughter go with their mom when she makes time for them which is sporadically at this point.

The rapport I had with my children prior to the separation gradually went away and has never really returned to what it was before.

And I am not really trying to put blame on my children's mom here nor on me. I'm trying to give you an idea of how children can react to a divorce based on how I've seen my children react.

My daughter was 4 or 5 at the time of the separation. She saw her mom and I hugging and told us we couldn't do that because we weren't married.

I was very worried about how the separation and divorce would affect my children more than how it would affect me. I've seen though that how it affected me also affected them.

All three of my boys have anger issues they've had to learn to control and problems with built up anger and frustrations. It becomes a very dark time for everyone as the separation and divorce process exacts a heavy toll on the emotions of everyone and the scars take a long time to heal, but as I look at things now it seems that most of those scars have mostly healed now.

I hope you can find the best solution for your situation and minimize the impact to your children. I don't remember much of the conversation when I gathered my family together to let them know that their mom and I were not going to be living together anymore. I do remember it was not a happy nor good moment.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Windseeker, your post was very touching, thank you for sharing.

All-Apologies, I am so sorry for your strugles. Hang in there. I appreciated your post too.

Benedictine, I am so sorry for your pain. I think counseling would be very helpful. My therapist says, "Pain needs a witness." Talking to someone that can really listen (listening is truly a lost art), validat your feelings, and ask you thoughtful questions to help you explore your feelings, and flush out any mis-truths that you may be thinking unconsciously. This is some of what I have enjoyed appreciated in therapy. My therapy is a bit more complicated, of course, but that is it in a nutshell.

I hope you won't blame yourself. It is hard to understand what survivors need especially when they are not able to articulate it very well. From your posts here you seem to have done the best you could. Sometimes we just don't know what we don't know.

Hold on, you will get through this, but having someone to talk to will help.

[Misshalfway]

Hi Benedictine9.

I'm so sorry that you find yourself in such a painful circumstance. I'm sorry that your wife has chosen such a sad road to try and work out her problems.

I don't have any clue what the right course is for you. But I know that God does. My experience is that He doesn't always tell us what to do in these situations, but rather he works together with us in our individual circumstances and with our agency to make the best decisions. And my experience is that God is so filled with grace and so filled with tender mercies. He cries with us. He knows are needs and limits. he also knows that He sent us here to get experience. And he knew that meant that some of it would break our hearts and make us question at the deepest levels.

As you make your decisions, lean into Father's grace and mercy. He does give us commandments and instills in us the uttermost respect for covenants. But He also understands that this is the telestial kingdom where things are so far from perfect and where absolute justice would hurt more than it would save.

What I'm trying to say is that it's ok to let go of people sometimes. It's ok not to be hurt, betrayed, or used. It's ok to say no or that you've done enough. It's ok to end one thing and hope for something restorative in the future.

May God's spirit be with you and guide you. May Jesus calm the storms in your life and more importantly in your heart. Have faith and follow where they lead you. Even if it's out of Jerusalem...away from your home and focused on a new promised land that you can't see or even fathom yet. And may he be with your wife. May she have the experiences that will help her wake up and come back to herself.

Blessings to all of you.

[benedictine9]

A question I have now is how one avoids the intense bitterness at how things have evolved contrary to one's best hopes and dreams.

I know that giving in to those types of feelings can be intoxicating and addictive and I don't want that to define me...better yet, I don't want that to take hold in the hearts of my children. I want them to live and believe and seek to establish forever families.

[Misshalfway]

You've got to let everybody mourn the loss. Feeling bitterness or anger or dispair is part of that.

You don't avoid the bitterness. You feel it, give it a voice (write, pray, vent, sing, or sing it out), and then let it pass. Don't be afraid of this part of the healing. Don't be afraid of what it means about who you are.

Remember that being angry is ok. It's staying stuck in the anger or reacting badly to the anger that gets us into trouble. Avoiding the anger is also just as unhealthy. Trust your insides. They know how to mourn and they know how to heal.

And don't try to control the healing of your children. It's ok if they are angry or dissolusioned for while. Healing from parental mistakes takes a long time. But that doesn't mean they won't find hope again. Listen to them. Validate their feelings. Guide them to healthy ways to cope. And it will all be fine again.

Edited March 4, 2013 by Misshalfway

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

ETA: Miss Halfway, your post about bitterness was awesome. We were writing at the same time, but if I had read your post first, I could have saved myself some typing because you said it well!

A question I have now is how one avoids the intense bitterness at how things have evolved contrary to one's best hopes and dreams.

I don't know if this will help you...take what you want and leave the rest. :)

Recently, I decided that I was tired of being angry at some people in my life. I knew my anger stemmed from pain. I imagined my anger/bitterness/resentment as a sword and shield that I used to protect myself from the pain. So I made a conscious decision to put down the sword and shield. Even though I knew it would leave me "defenseless" and vulnerable to the pain.

It was true, when I put down the anger, I was left with a deep pain. I thought the crying would never end, but it did. I think more because I was exhausted than anything. But you know it felt cleansing. This happened recently, and when I start to feel that anger/bitterness creep up again, I gently remind myself to put down the sword. I'm tired of being angry.

I think that in cases such as yours anger/bitterness is a defense mechanism, so don't feel guilty if you have anger for a time. But anger is no way to live, I think the sooner you can put it down and face the pain, the sooner you can heal...but that said, don't rush yourself. Emotional healing, just like physical healing cannot be rushed. It can be delayed but not rushed.

Edited March 4, 2013 by LiterateParakeet

[benedictine9]

A year or so ago when counseling with my bishop, I mentioned that I was really struggling with the "why" portion of this trial. Not why me, but just why. Why or how could it be part of the bigger plan that families come apart?

He told me that of all the things I needed to consider, figuring out the larger "why" would be unproductive and was probably not among the things for which I needed to petition The Lord.

At this point, I am left hoping that this experience for me and my children is at worst formative rather than definitive. It is silly to think or expect that life can be lived without receiving scars, and while I would gladly bear all for my children, I guess my responsibility is to live so that I can be here for them as they each individually try to heal.

[Windseeker]

A question I have now is how one avoids the intense bitterness at how things have evolved contrary to one's best hopes and dreams.

I think you already answered your question

All I can think is that now is the time to draw even closer to the Lord, to come to terms with putting my fate in His hands and believe that He wants me to be happy, and it will be possible.

I think when this earth is past we will look back and be grateful for the challenges that we have been given. I'm reminded of this quote by one of my favorite Philosophers.

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.” ~ C.S. Lewis

I think an image from Lord of the Rings when the elves are re-forging Narsil, and I think that is what Heavenly Fathers plan for us is, even though it's painful he is creating something beautiful.

I also like this quote

Pain stayed so long I said to him today,

“I will not have you with me any more.”

I stamped my foot and said, “Be on your way,”

And paused there, startled at the look he wore.

“I, who have been your friend,” he said to me,

“I, who have been your teacher—all you know

Of understanding love, of sympathy,

And patience, I have taught you. Shall I go?”

He spoke the truth, this strange unwelcome guest;

I watched him leave, and knew that he was wise.

He left a heart grown tender in my breast,

He left a far, clear vision in my eyes.

I dried my tears, and lifted up a song --

Even for one who’d tortured me so long.

~ Poem quoted by Spencer W. Kimball.

Edited March 4, 2013 by Windseeker

[ZionsRodeVos]

I separated from my children's Mom in May of 2005 and got a divorce a few years later. I still don't fully understand the why.

For me, my best guess of the why this happened to me and my family is that I may not have understood the answer to some prayers correctly and/or made some/many wrong decisions leading up to my marriage and then throughout the time I was married and probably more. And God allowed it to happen because we are free to choose what we do in this life.

What has always confounded me is that if God new that my marriage to my children's Mom was going to end in divorce then why didn't he simply make it more clear to me that I should not marry her and save us all a lot of pain and suffering, especially for our children. And that just leads me back to the freedom of choice and the rest of what I put in the above paragraph.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I think there are "why's" we will not get satisfactory answers to in this life. Maybe because it would be like explaining a rainbow to dogs (they are colorblind)*.

Why does God allow little children to be sexually abused? There's my big WHY. I have some theories, but no real satisfying answers.

*that's from the movie Kate and Leopold, but it appllies here just as well. :)