waiting for a missionary

[runner221]

I don't usually post stuff like this, but i'm having such a hard time with it.

So my boyfriend and I are both seniors in high school, and with the new mission age change, he just got his mission call to the Dominican Republic. he leaves in two months. I am so happy and proud of his willingness to serve but I am also extremely sad that I won't see him for two years. We both know that this is the right path for him to take but I'm just having a hard time accepting the fact that we won't see each other -and you can tell I'm having a hard time. I try to be happy, especially when I'm with him, but sometimes I just can't hold back the tears! I know that i'm not making this any easier on either of us, I just don't know what to do. We're planning on breaking up before he leaves but every time either of us tries to talk about it nothing happens. The last thing I want to do is distract him from his mission, or worse, be the reason he comes home early... I'm also really scared that when he's gone i'm going to meet someone else. It's not the fact that I'll be with someone else- because if that's what the lord intends then so be it- it's the fact that i'll have to write that dreaded "dear john" letter to my best friend and potentially break his heart. And I don't know if i could ever bring myself to do that. I've already promised myself that I will not get married while he's gone. Not just because I want to know if things will work out between us, but because I think 19 or even 20 is too young for me to be married. So I know this sounds silly and childish, but if you do, advice is accepted.

Also, everyone ALWAYS tell me that it won't work, waiting for a missionary. And with everyone saying that it just makes things that much harder. So if you have any stories of when you waited for a missionary or someone waited for you and it worked out, I would love to hear it. They give me hope:)

[skippy740]

My (now ex) wife waited for me. There was no "breaking up" before my missionary service. I simply kept my focus where it needed to be. She was 18 and I was 21 when I left. I knew she was the one I wanted to marry.

My mission president was even bold enough to tell me that my girlfriend will "wait" for me... with her new husband and child when I get home.

I told her that she should date while I was gone. I think she went on one group date, and that was about it. We wrote letters and exchanged recorded cassette tapes (before missionaries had email).

It had nothing to do with me, as my focus was in serving the Lord. It was all her decision. She said she would wait, and she did.

One piece of advice in your letters: Don't elaborate on any problems at home. He can't fix them, so don't tell him about them... unless it's about how you fixed them yourself. Don't make him feel helpless and needed by you when he is in no position to do anything.

If your missionary boyfriend is not focused on his duty... then cassette tapes won't help him. He may get more focused on the emotional relationship than in carrying out his duties. You know him best. Just don't put his companions through anything that will distract him from his service.

[mdfxdb]

You need to do you and your boyfriend the favor of breaking up before he leaves on his mission. He doesn't need to be distracted, and you are very young and it would be good for you to date other people and gain life experience. I guarantee he will be single when he returns from his mission. If you are single then maybe you can get back together.

A lot of growing and personal development occurs during those 2 years, and believe me 2 years is nothing. It goes by very very fast.

[All_Apologies]

Been there. Just take it one day at a time. Sometimes, 5 minutes at a time. This, too, will pass. All things do.

Waiting for a missionary is so difficult. When mine got home, we went on one date and it sucked Really bad...neither of us were the same as before and we never went out again. But it does work out for some people.

[ZionsRodeVos]

Another idea is, that with the age change for women too, you could go on a mission when you are 19 and that would have you coming back 6 months after he gets back and if he were to extend his mission a month or two more the time for him waiting would be less.

I didn't have a girl friend waiting for me during my mission so maybe I don't understand, but if your boyfriend can focus on his mission then I don't see why breaking up has to be the answer, especially if neither of you seem to want to discuss it.

[mdfxdb]

Universal truth about missionaries. For the first half of the mission they are afriad their girlfriends wont wait for them. For the last half of their mission they are afraid they will.

[carlimac]

I don't suggest "breaking up" before he leaves because the drama of all that would be a distraction to his preparation. But you might want to impose some pretty strict limits on physical contact between the two of you. Keep yourselves temple worthy! In fact, drop the kissing and hand holding/ hugging or whatever it is you do. Don't allow yourselves to be alone together anywhere secluded. You said he is your best friend. Then be his friend by all means. He could probably use some support and a listening ear as he prepares to go. And once he's out there, you'll enjoy reading about his experiences and you'll be amazed at his spiritual growth. Keep yourself busy and the time will fly!

I would also suggest maybe writing only once a month. My son's companion in the MTC was straight out of high school and had a girlfriend who wrote him every day. THAT was a huge distraction and not at all helpful. It was obnoxious. Missionaries have SO MUCH TO DO on P-days that they don't have a large amount of time to write letters. Their first priority is to read emails from family and write them back. Sometimes they only have 30 min in the library at the computer and some missions don't allow missionaries to email anyone but immediate family anyway. So his letters to you would have to be hand-written which takes more time. Asking him to write to you every week seems unfair when time is so limited. But if your friendship is strong enough, once a month will be enough and those letters will be more cherished than weekly ones. Just my opinion (having been a missionary). Do send a care package every now and then. He'll need it and will love getting it. But only once in a great while. Don't expect him to send you anything. Keep your letters light and friendly unless you're conveying a serious spiritual topic you've been pondering that you think might help him. Avoid any mention of marriage AT ALL! Tell him about the GROUP dates or activities you go on but avoid mentioning the other kind. No need to scare him with single dates you might go on.

One last piece of advice...if he decides that even writing infrequently is too much, follow his lead and don't complain if he wants to "break it off" during his mission. My guess though, is that if he is a high calibre young man and truly your best friend, the physical restrictions you put on the relationship before he leaves will inspire greater respect between the two of you and possibly even increase your friendship. That, plus keeping your letters not too close together, friendly and supportive but not intimate will be a perfect amount of contact for him as he tries to serve the Lord with all his heart. I really believe this is the best recipe for the relationship continuing after he gets back..if you still want it to by then.

Best of luck!

Edited March 5, 2013 by carlimac

[brycematheson]

While serving a Mission, my girlfriend waited for me...for about seven months. I told her before I left to date other people, but if she was still single once I got home, that we would go ahead and give it a try. We broke it off seven months into the Mission, and she was married about seven months before I got home. For the first part of my Mission, I tried so hard to retain the same relationship that we had had before the Mission, but it just wasn't possible. I wasted so much energy in letters, and then it was all for nothing in the end, and I had wished that I hadn't tried so hard to hold onto her.

Another problem with girls waiting, is just that. They wait. And some of them try so hard not to change or do anything. While the Missionary is out there for two years doing a great deal of change, the girl isn't doing very much. She may go on a few days, finish up school, whatever it might be. But if the girl really does wait, I've often seen that the Missionary wants nothing to do with her anymore, because he has changed so much, and she wasn't able to keep up with that.

I know that's probably not the answer that you want to hear. You want to hear the success stories of people waiting and how great it was for them. My Sister waited for her husband, and they're happily married. But speaking from personal experience, I would say to break up, and to leave it that way. Let the Elder focus on his Mission. Two years from now, you can pick it up and see how it goes, if you're still available.

[Wingnut]

Another problem with girls waiting, is just that. They wait. And some of them try so hard not to change or do anything. While the Missionary is out there for two years doing a great deal of change, the girl isn't doing very much. She may go on a few days, finish up school, whatever it might be. But if the girl really does wait, I've often seen that the Missionary wants nothing to do with her anymore, because he has changed so much, and she wasn't able to keep up with that.

Double thanks on this part.

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