Family drama, how to handle it...

[Echo2002]

My Dad passed away suddenly in January. He lived with his mother at the time. A day before the Memorial I was gathering some more of my Dad's stuff and decided to put some of his pictures on display for the Memorial (he was a photographer). There was a photo he had taken hanging in the bathroom and two pictures in his bedroom. I took those off the wall and failed to mention this to my grandmother, but since I was putting them back after the Memorial I didn't think it was that important to tell her I had taken them. A week later my grandmother calls me asking where the picture was in the bathroom and where two other pictures were. I told her I had the one that was hanging in the bathroom and I was going to give it back the next time I came over. I told her I did not have the other two pictures.

When I go back to her house and return the pictures, she starts yelling at me saying that I hurt her and that she was surprised I would do such a thing. She also was mad that I never asked her if she wanted any of my Dad's stuff. I asked her what she wanted, she said never mind, it doesn't matter now. I told her I didn't see why she was so angry, that it was never my intention to hurt her and since I was bringing the picture back I didn't think anything of telling her I took it. She said she was done with us (her grandchildren) and to get his stuff and just leave.

My sister comes a little later to the house and my grandmother starts yelling at her and accusing her of stealing the two pictures that she couldn't find. She also starts bringing up all of this stuff from the past that my sister had no control over. She called my sister a liar and a thief, which I know she did not take the pictures.

I never had a close relationship with my grandmother, I always felt like I had to tip toe around her so I didn't offend her or make her mad. I could care less that she doesn't want to see me again, I would be happy to oblige. I guess my dilemma is since I'm her only family, I feel obligated to take care of her, but I don't want to cause my self additional emotional stress being around her. If I don't check up on her, then the only people who will be doing it is from my granddad's side of the family. She has never really liked any of them (she doesn't like too many people) and I don't want to make it their responsibility.

What do I do?

[Wingnut]

It sounds to me like she's justified in her anger. You took things from her home without asking her permission, or at the very least giving her a heads up. Whether you intended to bring it back or not is irrelevant. Also, it sounds like you removed three photographs, but only have one accounted for -- where are the other two?

A mother never expects to outlive her children, even if the children are grown. She's grieving. Grief has many stages, one of which is anger. Instead of comforting your grandmother, you took from her things that she valued, that reminded her of her son.

None of this is meant to accuse you, but rather to help you see things from your grandmother's perspective, which, in my opinion, is completely understandable and even justified.

Honestly, it sounds like you don't really care if you ever see her again, which I think is unfortunate, but I don't know your family's history or circumstances. But if you do feel the need to make things right, I would write your grandmother a letter and mail it to her. She made it clear that she doesn't want to see you, but she may regret those comments later on (she may not). Because of generational differences, I think it would be especially impactful if you hand-wrote a letter, instead of typing it. Once you send it, the ball is in her court.

[Echo2002]

I didn't take the other two photos, no one took them that I'm aware of, she most likely misplaced them but instead decided to blame my sister for taking them. One of the photos was of her grandmother, so my sister would have had no reason to take it.

I understand her being upset that I didn't tell her I took the photo off the wall (which I didn't, my Dad's girlfriend did, but I didn't want to drag her in this mess), but to tell me she's "done with me" seems excessive. I don't really see a reason to destroy a family relationship over a photo. She has the picture now, I was never going to keep it.

I should clarify, I took three pictures off the wall, two of them she didn't even know they were gone. There's two other pictures besides the ones I took off the wall that she claims are missing.

Edited March 4, 2013 by SpringGirl

[Wingnut]

My Dad passed away suddenly in January. He lived with his mother at the time. A day before the Memorial I was gathering some more of my Dad's stuff and decided to put some of his pictures on display for the Memorial (he was a photographer). There was a photo he had taken hanging in the bathroom and two pictures in his bedroom. I took those off the wall and failed to mention this to my grandmother, but since I was putting them back after the Memorial I didn't think it was that important to tell her I had taken them.

I didn't take the other two photos, no one took them that I'm aware of, she most likely misplaced them but instead decided to blame my sister for taking them. One of the photos was of her grandmother, so my sister would have had no reason to take it.

I understand her being upset that I didn't tell her I took the photo off the wall (which I didn't, my Dad's girlfriend did, but I didn't want to drag her in this mess), but to tell me she's "done with me" seems excessive. I don't really see a reason to destroy a family relationship over a photo. She has the picture now, I was never going to keep it.

So, did you or didn't you?

[Echo2002]

See above post, haha.

[MorningStar]

Validate your grandma's feelings like crazy and apologize. Then maybe she'll come around. :)

[viannqueen3]

I'd have to say go with morningstar's comment.

Do you think she could have dementia? We had a very similar experience happen with my elderly grandmother. She had been in a car accident and my mother and aunt cleaned her home and replaced some really outdated flooring when she was in the hospital. She was a hoarder and many of the rooms were so filled with literal junk that you couldn't walk in the rooms. She was furious when she got back and claimed that my mom and aunt had stolen X, Y and Z. Some of the items my mom was just able to tell her where they were moved. She was furious and met with their lawyer and removed several children off of the will. Some of the things were so ridiculous to us. Imagine being cut from your family's will because you threw out a few pieces of 50 year old fabric that were soaked in cat urine. Some of the items she claims were stolen were items that any rational person would send to the D.I or throw out. I *get* that they were important to her, but by that time I think she had some dementia or hording issues clouding her thoughts. It caused such so much drama in our family.

My mom finally got into her good graces with a handwritten letter apologizing (even though she didn't take any of the items). My aunt, who did the majority of the cleaning never did regain her good graces. Which I find so sad, especially since this aunt is the one primarily taking care of my 85+ year old grandfather. She was completely shut out of their life during those final three years of my grandma's life. So sucking it up and writing an apology letter is probably the way to go.

[Echo2002]

I guess I'm just tired of always pleasing her and feeling like I've never gotten anything in return. I don't mean anything materialistic, but I've always felt she never liked me. She was always nice to people's faces but as soon as they left the house she would go into why she didn't really like that person. She loves to hold grudges and she's always quick to remember everything someone has done to wrong her.

She has not once called me and asked me how I'm feeling or how I'm dealing with Dad's death or getting his Estate in order, yet she's mad because I don't check up on her enough.

She never asked me if I wanted anything of my granddad's after he died, yet she gets mad at me for not asking her if she wanted anything of my Dad's.

She gave away my Dad's camera lenses without asking me first and she almost gave his car away without telling me first.

So there's been plenty of things she has done to me these past two months that have upset me but I've been able to hold my tongue because I didn't want to upset her. I guess that's what is making me so angry about her little outburst.

[NeuroTypical]

I'm her only family, I feel obligated to take care of her, but I don't want to cause my self additional emotional stress being around her. If I don't check up on her, then the only people who will be doing it is from my granddad's side of the family. She has never really liked any of them (she doesn't like too many people) and I don't want to make it their responsibility.

What do I do?

You should probably think a little about stewardship. Unless you're her legal guardian, it's not up to you to decide who takes care of her. It sounds like she's in charge of herself, and she seems right now to want to drive everyone away from her. That's her choice.

You can love people without letting their negative things hurt you. It's easier said than done, but it's possible. And usually easier from a distance. You do things like leave the door open, but make sure the door is only big enough to let her in - not her baggage and attacks and melodrama. When you get angry at outbursts and whatnot, you're basically handing control of yourself over to another person. Choose not to do that.

A great way of handling family drama, is to not-add to it. When it starts happening, remove yourself from the situation. "Sorry to hear you're mad at me Gramma. Let me know if maybe you want to go to lunch next month or something!"

This stuff is hard, and takes a lot of time and energy. Good luck.

[Echo2002]

Pretending it never happened is what I thought I would do. I know she is never going to apologize for the things she said to me and my sister, and I know something like this will most likely happen again.

I guess the worse she can do is not speak to me again. That's on her.

[Misshalfway]

I don't think you should pretend it never happened. But I do think that empathy and validation could go a long way.

I'm listening to the conflict and it doesn't sound like anyone really discovered exactly what your grandmother was upset about. The content of the fight was about pictures, but my guess is that it's about deeper feelings that never got heard.

It's easy to get stuck on her mean words or her nasty tone. These elevations typically come when people don't feel heard or that their feelings/wishes, etc don't seem important to others. But if you can see past the content and talk about what it is your grandma might be thinking and feeling, I wonder if her anger would calm. Empathizing and validation....it's kinda like singing to a wild beast. Get out your sword and start fighting and well....you'll have a nasty battle that leaves both parties wanting to leave the relationship.

[Echo2002]

My feeling is she's upset that her grandchildren are not paying attention to her, or not the amount of attention she wants.

[Echo2002]

I just called to tell her I will be coming over to get the rest of my Dad's stuff. She says I gave her the wrong pictures. She doesn't even know what pictures were hanging on the wall. I think maybe she is getting dementia or something.

So Saturday when I go over there I guess I have to be prepared for another round of her yelling at me. Hopefully this is the last time I have to set foot in her house.