Daughter's Insecurity

[Baruch]

I've got three awesome kids. I'm white, my wife is Hispanic. My oldest, my darling daughter, is ten. She is also high functioning autistic. She has a skin complexion about as dark as my wife. My other two kids look basically white. As we were walking from the car to the church building for stake conference yesterday. my oldest daughter asked me "Dad, why did I have to be darker than __ and __, (her other two siblings)?" I paused and put my arm around her and told her that she's exactly how our Heavenly Father wanted her. Not knowing if she wanted the real scientific explanation, since she isn't always clear on what she's asking, I gave a little explanation on DNA and how lots of people would love to have some darker skin. My wife says that she has asked the same question to her before. It breaks my heart to wonder if she doesn't feel comfortable with who she is. She has already faced bullying at school because of the learning problems she has. We have taken opportunities to talk about self worth before in FHE. I truly believe that understanding and knowing God and the gospel helps us know who we are and is the best way to help us deal with insecurity. I don't know if discussing things at FHE is always getting through to my daughter. She is pretty well adjusted and has a cheerful attitude though. Lots of other kids with autism develop some severe self worth issues. As parents we constantly give her positive feedback. She truly is beautiful. In some ways she is closer to me than to my wife and I think that we have always made her feel beautiful as she is. I think that despite our efforts, just being in the culture around us, she may be associating darker skin with something negative. My mother in-law lives with us. I know that she hasn't made any comment to my daughter, since my daughter knows no spanish, but I just wanted to comment that it bothers me that even in Hispanic culture lighter skin is perceived as being better. We try not to make a big deal about these things that come up for our daughter so that she doesn't worry about them a lot. I was thinking of addressing skin color in FHE sometime soon. Maybe it is worth pointing out that Christ was not a blue-eyed blonde European?

[Guest]

I think all girls want to change something about how they look at some point.

I have 4 daughters: 2 redheads, a blond, and the baby is brunette. My blond daughter feels left out sometimes because her hair is a pretty ordinary dark blond, and her sisters always get complimented on their beautiful red hair. One time I dyed my naturally blond hair a dark auburn for fun, and she was mad at me for 2 days. She didn't want to be the only one left out. Since then I stay closer to my natural color.

When we're young especially, and looking for our place, we want to be like those around us. I would encourage complimenting and pointing out the things about her that make her beautiful and unique and special, both physical and otherwise.

[Bini]

I've got three awesome kids. I'm white, my wife is Hispanic. My oldest, my darling daughter, is ten. She is also high functioning autistic. She has a skin complexion about as dark as my wife. My other two kids look basically white. As we were walking from the car to the church building for stake conference yesterday. my oldest daughter asked me "Dad, why did I have to be darker than __ and __, (her other two siblings)?" I paused and put my arm around her and told her that she's exactly how our Heavenly Father wanted her. Not knowing if she wanted the real scientific explanation, since she isn't always clear on what she's asking, I gave a little explanation on DNA and how lots of people would love to have some darker skin. My wife says that she has asked the same question to her before. It breaks my heart to wonder if she doesn't feel comfortable with who she is. She has already faced bullying at school because of the learning problems she has. We have taken opportunities to talk about self worth before in FHE. I truly believe that understanding and knowing God and the gospel helps us know who we are and is the best way to help us deal with insecurity. I don't know if discussing things at FHE is always getting through to my daughter. She is pretty well adjusted and has a cheerful attitude though. Lots of other kids with autism develop some severe self worth issues. As parents we constantly give her positive feedback. She truly is beautiful. In some ways she is closer to me than to my wife and I think that we have always made her feel beautiful as she is. I think that despite our efforts, just being in the culture around us, she may be associating darker skin with something negative. My mother in-law lives with us. I know that she hasn't made any comment to my daughter, since my daughter knows no spanish, but I just wanted to comment that it bothers me that even in Hispanic culture lighter skin is perceived as being better. We try not to make a big deal about these things that come up for our daughter so that she doesn't worry about them a lot. I was thinking of addressing skin color in FHE sometime soon. Maybe it is worth pointing out that Christ was not a blue-eyed blonde European?

I'm Filipino and we tend to be darker skinned than our other Asian counterparts. I'm also much darker than the average Filipino and am often mistaken for being Indian from India. Anyway, for many ethnic groups fairer skin equates to being privileged and darker skin is typically considered someone who is a labourer or lower class. It's not uncommon for Asian women to walk around with parasols in hopes of avoiding tanning. It's a cultural thing.

I can also relate to your daughter feeling different. I'm adopted into a Caucasian family (parents and siblings) and there were many times that I wondered why I had to be different. Kids would ask, "What happened to your real parents?" And such. It hurt because my adoptive parents ARE my real parents. Keep doing what you're doing. Maybe a blessing might bring some peace?

[Wingnut]

Maybe it is worth pointing out that Christ was not a blue-eyed blonde European?

I'm not sure that would help much, since pretty much all LDS portrayals of Him show a Caucasian man.

[Vort]

Here are some thoughts, for whatever they're worth to you.

I personally would not go the route of saying, "You know, lots of people would like to have darker skin!" It's true in a narrow sense -- tanning is very popular -- but in a larger sense, especially in societies of those with darker skins, the opposite tends to be true, as Bini pointed out. More importantly, in mentioning the desire of some people to have darker skin, you feed right into the idea at the root of the problem: "My skin is not good how it is, and it would be much better if it were something different."

If I were in your position, I would avoid giving any value judgments at all about skin color, even something that might seem "supportive". Rather, I would explicitly reject the wrong idea and point out that our heavenly Father created people with a large range of skin colors, and he loves them all.

As an aspect of my own personality and how I deal with my children, I would also respond very literally to what she asked, explaining to her as well as I could the genetic and biological reasons that she has the skin color she has. This would not be intended to dodge her real question. Rather, it would be an attempt to accomplish two things: (1) Give her an actual understanding at her current comprehension level of the biological factors behind her skin coloring, so that she sees it's just a physical trait, like hair color or height; and, (2) demonstrate through my answer that her underlying fear -- that dark skin is less attractive or desirable than fair skin -- is just not the natural interpretation of things. I would want her to think that the very idea that dark skin is less attractive than light skin is itself sort of strange and should be questioned.

If she still seemed upset or unsatisfied, I would probably bring the situation up directly: "Why are you asking, sweetheart? Do you think dark skin is not as pretty as light skin?" (Remember, it's possible I could be misinterpreting her, and that this wasn't her concern at all. Better to ask than to assume wrongly.) If she said yes, I might point out that I married her mama, whose skin is darker than mine, and that I found her darker skin very pretty. But again, what I probably would NOT do is to start campaigning for how dark skin is actually prettier than light skin and lots of people want to have dark skin, etc. I would just avoid that whole (imo fruitless) line of argumentation and bring it over to my own terms.

[Gwen]

I agree to ask her why she is asking. I disagree to add the "do you think...." it's a leading question and she may not yet know why she is asking, just curious. You suggest the idea that it's "not as pretty" and it could create problems you didn't intend. Nothing wrong with biology lessons.

I agree with reminding her about how she looks like her mom. Let her hear and see your expressions of how beautiful her mother is. Not only will your wife love it but your daughter knows she looks like mom, it will change how she perceives herself. You don't have to say your wife's beauty is in her dark skin, just that she is beautiful, the positive impact will hit all your children.

We are going through the diagnosing process of Asperger's in our family and one thing I'm learning is when addressing issues the biggest thing is spend some time considering how your child process the world. The fact that she is autistic changes things. They don't process things in a neuro typical way. The ideas for addressing this with a NT child won't necessarily work (or they may just may take more time). Is she high functioning enough to understand she is different in more than skin tone, does she know about and understand her autism? I guess I'm wondering if she is making associations that aren't there? I'm the only one with dark skin tone and I'm the only one with autism, maybe that's why I'm so different.

[Irishcolleen]

A friend of mine has twins with darker skin than the rest of the family. For some reason the Native American genes were expressed in them and not the other kids and previous generation. They were self- conscious about it. We would tell the how much money white women pay to get skin that looks like that. They felt better once they went to college and had guys falling all over them.