I am struggling with self forgiveness after cheating on husband

[Repentant]

Hello everyone,

I am feeling really miserable about what I have done.

After 16 years of marriage I have done what I thought I would never do, I committed adultery.

My marriage had been rough for about 6 years due to financial hardships which were making my husband extremely stressed out and Depressed.

We both lost faith in the church even though we continued to attend.

During 1 year my husband became aggressive even though he never hit me but threatened to kill me. I went to the bishop for help at the time and told my husband that if he ever did that again or hurt any of the children I would leave.

After that he changed completely and stopped being aggressive.

I also had been doing some commercial modeling jobs that paid very well. At times I felt uncomfortable with some of the clothing that I had to wear and some of the flirting required to work some of the events, it was a sexy job. I stopped wearing my garments. Sometimes I tried to go back to wearing them but my husband would say that he liked it better when I didn't wear them. I stopped wearing them again, because I guess deep inside I also liked not wearing them.

My husband encouraged me to continue as I couldn't find another job that paid as good and we truly could not afford our bills otherwise. We did not qualify for Wellfare, Medicaid or Foodstamps and he did not want to ask for money from the bishop.

I did that job for 4 years. To make the story short, in time my husband begun to encourage me to get close and friendly with some of the wealthy men that were in that environment. I was not comfortable with that. One man actually asked me out and offered to pay me to go out. My husband said: "we only have $87 in the bank and no other money coming in!! Please go and see what you can get!!!"

I went. The man offered me all kinds of money if I married him. He asked me to stay the night. I refused and told him I could not do that. I went back home. When I related to my husband what had happened he said to me: "I am a looser who cannot make any money. You should leave me and go with him. I cannot take care of you. Please leave. I want you to stop loving me". I tried to hug him but he pushed me away. That same week, I had been feeling lonely and had been texting with a man that I had met at an event. I had been telling him all my drama and my sorry story and he acted like he cared for me. I felt I had feelings for this man. I went and had sex with him. I felt comforted at the moment.

Afterwards I started feeling terrible and to ask myself "what have I done"? I could not stand the guilt and told everything to my husband 2 days later. He was very sad and angry. But told me later that he forgave me and would stay with me because he felt he had put me on a bad position. He told me I didn't need to go to the bishop, but I felt too bad and I confessed to the bishop as well.

I am having a very hard time getting over this and forgiving myself because I keep wishing that I wouldn't have listened to my husband and wouldn't have gone out with the rich guy and wouldn't have had the affair with the other guy either. It has been 6 years of trying really hard to get an income that will pay for the bills for us but now looking back I would have rather risk losing our home and be destitute than feeling this guilt. I wish I wouldn't have worked those jobs for 4 years that got me gradually comfortable with interacting with men too closely.... I don't know what to think of myself!!!

I also suffer from Panic Disorder which is a stress related disorder in which you are suddenly struck with feelings of terror for no reason. What I did and my intense feelings of guilt triggered a relapse so I have also started again on Medication to keep it under control (Anti-Depressants and Anti Anxiety medication).

How do I forgive myself after what I have done? How can I see myself as a good person again after what I have done? How can I be happy again?

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

You have a lot of things going on. I am so sorry for your pain...and please understand I mean the pain before your affair and after.

I suggest two things. First I think you should meet with your Bishop (more than once) and discuss not only repentance (that's a given) but also the other factors in your life that led up to this. The other suggestion is please consider counseling/therapy. Just from this post, I feel you have a lot going on that you could benefit from talking to a therapist. But also...whenever someone says they are taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety, red flags go up in my mind about what sort of emotional things are triggering this. I feel that taking meds without therapy is like taking a pain reliever without figuring out where the pain is coming from. If you have just one headache and you take some tylenol, fine. But if you have daily debilitating headaches, then you need to find out why, along with seeking pain relief.

The Lord loves you. I want you to know that. But I am afraid, based on my own experience with shame (from childhood abuse) that just hearing me say it will not be enough to help you believe it. I want you to feel the Lord's love, but I think it will take sometime counseling with your Bishop and a therapist...to get to a point where you can accept that.

[Repentant]

I think the pain is coming from living a life that goes against my beliefs and moral standards.

I have been meeting with the Bishop every 2 weeks.

My husband has made a huge 180 degree turn and I have switched jobs to a normal receptionist job.

However I am struggling with self trust and I worry whenever men try to talk to me or approach me that I give out some kind of "bad girl vibe".

I am wearing modest clothing again. I have struggled with marital problems for a long time.

I think that between the financial stress, living in a way that makes me feel guilty and marital struggles I can see where the pain is coming from.

It was very hard to work as a flirty atmosphere and convention model in skimpy clothing for 4 years, then come home to my 4 children and stressed out husband and then go to church. My husband says I cannot compartmentalize. He asks: Can't you do modeling without falling for a guy? Can't you do your job and then go to church without having to over-analyze and self question so much? why?

Well, I can't, what I do has to be consistent otherwise I feel like there is something terribly wrong with me. I can't help that. So I don't want to go those jobs or not wear my garments. I don't want to be LDS and act like I am not, be a mom and act like eye candy at conventions. I end up wondering who I am!

Thank you Literate Parakee for your encouraging post :-)

Your questions were very thoughful...

Edited March 20, 2013 by Repentant

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I think your pain goes much deeper than you suspect. I base that hypothesis on not just your two posts, but on the experiences of many other people I have talked to that have pain deep emotional pain. And of course my own experience as well.

Not living up to LDS standards did not cause you to have a panic disorder, or need anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds.

But I won't say any more about it if you don't want me to. I'm glad you are meeting with your Bishop, I hope you will continue. I meet with my Bishop every 2 weeks, and go to therapy twice a week myself. :)

[Repentant]

Well, I am not really Depressed. I just have Panic Disorder and Anxiety. Anti depressants are used to treat Panic because they work on the same chemical in the brain as Anti Anxiety medication without being addictive. Once the Anti Depressant kicks in in a few weeks I most likely won't need the Anti Anxiety meds.

Panic disorder runs in my family: my sister has it and several of my cousins have it.

That said, I did have a scary childhood which may have contributed. However I cannot change my childhood but I need to change the way I think and see life.

I worry about everything and beat myself up for everything.

Now that I truly have a reason to beat myself up is really hard.....

I have talked to therapists about my past but I just don't find digging in the past very constructive....

Well, I guess that I am dwelling in the past right now by continue to beat myself over what I did, even after my husband has forgiven me, I have spoken to the bishop and heck!! I even asked my mother in law for forgiveness!!! They were all forgiving, except for me!!

[Roseslipper]

thank you for being brave enough to post and ty literateparakeet for your useful and needed love, support, and help. I can not add more then what literateparakeet said..I totally agree with her words..and I too am sorry for this pain u experience and hope in time you can put it behind you. Know that Heavenly Father understands as well and He will help you, I hope that you let him....Hold on tight to him even if its hard He is the truth the way and the light and will help you work through this.I sent a prayer up for you and your family. xo love your sister

[Windseeker]

How do I forgive myself after what I have done? How can I see myself as a good person again after what I have done? How can I be happy again?

Hi Repentant,

You might want to review the answers provided here in this New Era Article.

LDS.org - New Era Article - Questions and Answers

My first wife was unfaithful. She came from a childhood full of abuse and we had lots of issues involving money. She was caught stealing money and in order to repay did some exhibitions of Tahitian dancing and starting working as a Hotel Manager. She was propositioned constantly, almost daily and finally it must have gotten to her. I forgave her but looking back it seems like it was her inability to forgive herself and face me and the kids that eventually caused her just throw in the towel on being a wife and mother. She just couldn't reconcile what she had done, the excitement and lifestyle aided by guilt eventually forced her in a way to decide to leave.

Knowing the source of your guilt is important. Bad guilt is from Satan and can wear you down and destroy everything you care about, so please be careful. If the guilt leads you closer to your family and faith then it's good, if it causes you to uncomfortable at church or around your family it's obvious where it's coming from. Sometimes I find it best to "Do my Duty" when I can't seem to shake the bad guilt.

Your husband has allot to work. It sounds like he just feels like a failure most the time. he needs to get right with the Lord as well.

You sound like a good person and I hope that both you and your husband can work things out. You, and especially your husband need to focus on meeting each other’s needs and provide your kids a home they deserve.

Edited March 20, 2013 by Windseeker

[Repentant]

Thank you so much Roseslipper! I guess the one good thing that has come out of this is that I am praying more and reading scriptures again and wearing garments.

I have decided that I don't have to listen to my husband when he gives bad advice.

Sometimes he gives good advice but sometimes he doesn't.

I should only listen to the good advice....

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I cannot change my childhood but I need to change the way I think and see life.

To me that is precisely what therapy is doing for me.

I have PTSD (which could be called a panic disorder by some), and anxiety. I don't consider myself depressed, but others might think so. If you ever change your mind...I mean you seem to disagree with me, and that is fine...but if you ever want to talk about it, feel free to send me a PM.

I wish you all the best.

[Repentant]

Hi Repentant,

If the guilt leads you closer to your family and faith then it's good, if it causes you to want leave church or your family it's obvious where it's coming from.

Thank you Windseeker. I never want to leave my family knowing how much damage and heartache this would cause my children. It would also cause me much heartache knowing that I did something that resulted in my family breaking apart.

I was confused at the time but now I see that I still love my husband in spite of all the conflict we have had.

Also I thought at the time that my husband didn't love me anymore but his forgiveness has showed me that he does and I am so grateful that he has forgiven me. If he had decided to divorce me it would have been so much worse for me!!!

My guilt makes me want to steer away from the lifestyle I was leading. However it is hard because sometimes my husband encourages that, the skimpy clothing and all.

I think the solution to my problem is to become more compliant again with the gospel and its commandments regardless of what my husband thinks.

I love him but I don't have to always seek his approval if his advice will put me at risk for sin. Skimpy clothes send a certain message and attract a certain kind of man. One that will not care if you are married and will have no qualms about seducing a woman with a family.... I didn't understand what the big deal was about the clothing for many years but now I do. And going a step further and talking to the men is driving on the edge of the cliff, I did that for too long!! And this has been the result...

[Repentant]

To me that is precisely what therapy is doing for me.

I mean you seem to disagree with me, and that is fine...but if you ever want to talk about it, feel free to send me a PM.

Thank you. I don't disagree with you. Therapy could be helpful, I just don't want to dig in the past too much. I think it could help me from the perspective of learning new ways to think and look at things. I will look into it but I will probably have to ask bishop for help now so I can afford it....

[Roseslipper]

Thank you so much Roseslipper! I guess the one good thing that has come out of this is that I am praying more and reading scriptures again and wearing garments.

I have decided that I don't have to listen to my husband when he gives bad advice.

Sometimes he gives good advice but sometimes he doesn't.

I should only listen to the good advice....

yvw, yes good things come out of trails makes us stronger, we learn we cant do it alone that we indeed need the Lords help in our lives daily. Striving to live the way the Lord wants us too will bring us much happiness and thats what He wants for us.

The worlds way is no good, brings distruction, unhappiness, Its not worth the gain or pleasure. For me and my house we will choose the Lord, something great for us all to strive for but dont be hard on yourself if you fall. I think I came up with this saying with the help Of God. Ill try to explain: I love the ocean it has magic to me, helps clean out the cobb webs of my mind hahah. You know when the ocean is calm, still, slow moving we love our lives to be like,problem free, but the ocean doesnt stay like that some times it has small waves, like our lives have small in convences, then the waves can get real ruff, like our lives can, things get out of control, then theres tide waves no one wants to be caught in that...but it happens for many reasons, were over loaded cant take to much or we drown. and its ok to drown if we must, just as long as we can at some time push ourselves up and work ourselves out of it. and what joy will fill our souls

Edited March 21, 2013 by Roseslipper

[Repentant]

I love your comparison of life to an ocean, I grew up by the ocean in a foreign country. However sometimes I feel bad because I feel that I am the only one that makes mistakes. I look around and feel that everyone is so much better than me. I always have that feeling of inadequacy. Even before I made this big mistake...

[mnn727]

However sometimes I feel bad because I feel that I am the only one that makes mistakes. I look around and feel that everyone is so much better than me. I always have that feeling of inadequacy. Even before I made this big mistake...

Remember: You only see most Church members at Church where they are at their best. EVERYONE makes mistakes and has their own problems.

[Still_Small_Voice]

Repentant, there is nothing you can do to take back what has been done. Only the grace of Christ can cleanse you of this sin. Go through all the steps of repentance. You can read the below article and it may help you in your path. May the LORD bless you in your efforts to become His disciple. You can do it. I believe in you.

Gospel Principles Chapter 19: Repentance

[Roseslipper]

I love your comparison of life to an ocean, I grew up by the ocean in a foreign country. However sometimes I feel bad because I feel that I am the only one that makes mistakes. I look around and feel that everyone is so much better than me. I always have that feeling of inadequacy. Even before I made this big mistake...

I think Many of us have or do feel the same way its the human part of us(the natural man) Satan wants us to feel this way... Truth is we all have made mistakes, sinned and have the feelings of inadequacy, use that feeling to turn your life around to conquer, to win the fight, not to depress u, not to stop your growth, use it to push forward, to grow from it.

Dont let satan win..dont let him bring you down..any more....Let God in with Him you will win!!!! :)

Today is the first day of your life.

[Magus]

I'm just going to go with my gut on this one and tell you what I know from personal experience.

There are things in my life that I have truly repented of, and know that I repented of, because the Holy Ghost confirmed to me that I had been forgiven, washed over me and cleansed me. I felt new and very literally spiritually reborn. My guilt was swept away. These were truly miraculous experiences.

It would seem to me that the crux of your problem with not forgiving yourself is that you still feel guilty. Would that be correct?

If so, then the solution would seem to be that you need to get rid of your guilt. You need to feel like a new person.

In which case, it would seem to me that the best, ultimate solution would be for the Holy Ghost to cleanse you heart and soul, to sweep your guilt away, to make you feel new, reborn and clean again.

I am presuming this has not happened to you, at least not in any defining way. Would I be correct?

If so, the only thing I can recommend is serious, intense, prolonged prayer and fasting for this miracle to occur. Pouring your heart out to the Lord multiple times a day, waiting and listening, asking and knocking for the confirmation, for the miracle, and accompanying it with regular fasting. Of course, be careful not to harm your health in so doing.

I can testify that if you seek the miracle diligently and steadfastly - it will come and the Lord will cleanse you. It will likely be tough - but just be patient and persist, persist and persist. Ask the Lord to make you whole again. He will. Miracles are often hard to come by - but if you want them badly enough and do not give up in the face of despair - they come. If that is the path you choose, I wish you the best.

Edited March 22, 2013 by Magus

[selek]

It may seem off-topic, but I saw the following and was inspired to link it for you.

Courage also means having the strength to remember that you are a daughter of God, just as was Esther.

Yes- you have erred badly.

Yet you have also displayed the courage and integrity to begin making it right with the Lord.

If HE will forgive you, who then can condemn you?

[Repentant]

Thank you for sharing that selek.

I do identify very much with this as I need courage everyday as a Panic Disorder sufferer, to continue.

I also have to have this courage to continue to face my life everyday and the feeling of despair that my mistake has brought me.

I want to be better and I am doing everything I can to be my best.

[Repentant]

It would seem to me that the crux of your problem with not forgiving yourself is that you still feel guilty. Would that be correct?

Yes, this is correct. I do feel very guilty and afraid because I don't know what to think of myself

In which case, it would seem to me that the best, ultimate solution would be for the Holy Ghost to cleanse you heart and soul, to sweep your guilt away, to make you feel new, reborn and clean again.

I am presuming this has not happened to you, at least not in any defining way. Would I be correct?

Yes, this is correct. It has not happened to me, even though the Bishop, my husband and everyone I have talked to has been forgiving and encouraging. I am the type of person who has a hard time letting go. I expect a lot of myself. I cannot understand how I could have let myself fall so low. I am having a hard time letting go of my desire to go back in time and do things differently. I am having a very hard time accepting that I fell so low. In the past I had swore that i would never ever commit that sin and I did!! I can't believe that I did what I did... But something tells me that I am harder on myself than God would be. I am not hard on others but I am really hard on myself and I know that this is something I need to change but it is hard to let go of this... And I need the help of the Holy Ghost like you said. I think the Holy Ghost has been having a really hard time with me lately....

Edited March 22, 2013 by Repentant

[Repentant]

Today is the first day of your life.

Roseslipper: you are so very sweet!! Thank you!!!:)

[Traveler]

I seldom give advice here - I tend to appear as uncaring. My father once said to me, "there is no excuse good enough for doing the wrong things". He also told me that if you want anything to change you have to change yourself - and you change yourself by accomplishing two things. First is to start doing things you have never done before. Obviously if you do not do anything different - nothing will change.

But there is a second part - you have to stop doing things you have always done before. Again it is obvious if you continue to do what you have always done - nothing will change.

My only input is to start today doing the right things and quit doing things that are wrong. If you really do not know the difference between what is right and what is wrong - then what you do does not matter - like the answer the cat gave Alice in Alice in Wonderland - if you do not know where you are going then it does not matter what path you choose. If you know where you are trying to go - finding the right path to get there is not really a difficult problem.

One last point - it is my experience that being on the “right” path is a lot more fun and exciting (happy) - let alone worthwhile.

The Traveler

[JTKarp]

The Ego is the source of all suffering. And the Ego is not your real-self; not your true essence - though unless one is aware (most are not), one can easily be lured by the temptations of the ego.

The fears, stresses and anxieties you describe are all egoic responses arising from your situation. And your regret comes from giving in to the Egoic compulsion that was working within you. What happened came out of your unconscious self (ego) ... not from your real self. Otherwise, you would not be suffering as you are.

But know this ... the Real Self (separate from ego) can never be damaged, because it only does and connects with good. If the love between you and your husband is real (as it sounds to be), let this experience serve to enlighten you regarding the ways of the ego, and get back to loving each other as wiser, and closer mates.

ps....the ego will try and keep you in a state of suffering. Do NOT resist it...neither give in to it .... just observe it without judgement or reaction ... just observe patiently without resistance. It will fade on its own.