I think my husband has a sex addiction....

[Leah]

I don't get that she feels its acceptable at all. What do you feel her purpose is in sharing her concern and frustration on LDS.net?

She made a statement about this - or worse - would happen in any marriage. Which is simply not true. So she figured she might as well accept this behavior - this marriage - because every marriage would involve the same or worse behavior. Which is simply not true. There ARE men - lots of them - who do not indulge in this behavior. She could have held out for such a man (or remained single), but she doesn't believe they exist.

He was also engaging in the behavior while they were dating. By continuing the dating relationship, she was basically sending a message that the behavior was okay with her. She could have ended the relationship - they were dating and not married - and waited for a man who did NOT have this problem, but she chose to date THIS man with THIS problem (that was known to her). She also chose to marry him.

[Lmjh]

Windseeker, thanks for the positive support.

I knew the problem would be ongoing, would be foolish of me to think that it would just magically disappear, I just didn't know to what extent.

Leah, yes I realize that there are probably men out there who do not struggle with this, it just seems like there are none because pretty much every guy I know is struggling- it's a very widespread problem and is ever increasing in the church. I'm not staying in this marriage because I don't feel like there's something better... maybe there is another man who could make me happy, and yes i've often wished that I would have slowed down a little when dating him and stepped back and really thought things through more, but I didn't, it's done and in the past, I can't change that. I'm here now and even though progress has been made, it's still hard and I'm looking for support and advice.

I don't feel I was in the wrong to marry my husband as with a million other people I know feel the same. The person is not the addiction, you have to separate the 2; the fact of life is that some really great people get dealt a really crappy hand with a very real and destructive addiction. I see the good in my husband, he has many great qualities. It's very hurtful and yes, my trust has been broken several times and is in the process of being built back up but, I mean, do you just give up on a person and a marriage because of this?

[mdfxdb]

I mean, do you just give up on a person and a marriage because of this?

The short answer is: It depends. This is a decision only you can make. You know your tolerance levels, you know if you are happy or not. You need to think of this from an eternal perspective. Is this what you want your children exposed to? Do you really want this in your life?

Unless he is serious about his addiction and recovery things will not change. He has to change, there is nothing you can do to make him change. How many more lies/dissappointments are you willing to put up with? It is not an easy decision.

[Lmjh]

Mdfxdb..... Exactly, that's what I have been asking myself recently and am trying to figure out. He is willing to get help and change, there has been good progress these 7 years and that's what gives me hope. I guess I'm really struggling right now with trying to trust him, I don't want to be this super paranoid, hovering wife always interrogating him, I just want the truth.

[mdfxdb]

It's a difficult way to live. Your bishop will not ever advise you to leave him over something like this. Because of the LDS perspective on marriage you will be hard pressed for someone to say "leave him". Most marriage counslors (LDS Family Services) would not advise you to "leave him" either. If you are not inclined to leave him then counseling can be beneficial as you will learn to "live" with it.

If you do not think he will change, or are tired of waiting then you have some very difficult decisions in front of you. Trust me there are many good men out there who don't have this problem.

[Lmjh]

You're right, because I have seen both my Bishop and counselor before and they haven't said to leave, nor have I gotten that answer in my prayers.

Yes there are many good men out there without this problem, I don't doubt it, but we all have our faults and weaknesses... maybe it wouldn't be this but a drug addiction, abuse, anger, financial, medical, health...etc we deal the best we can with what we're dealt in life, and be grateful for and focus on the good.

Anyone have good recommendations for a place online for support groups specifically for wives with husbands who struggle? And also one specifically for wives who's husband have left their faith?

[Windseeker]

Here are some ideas -

Healing the broken hearted | Support for LDS women whose husbands view pornography

How can our family overcome the effects of pornography use?

What can I do to help my loved one?

Family and Friends

[Guest kevingf]

How does losing your little girl at age 2 have something to do here? It seems you are stating it as part of the problems you may have with him. Is he directly responsible for her death?

Your husband watches porn, a huge amount of men watch porn and masturbate. Yes they can still be good fathers, and good husbands. Before the church was founded in the 1800's there were good fathers and husbands, people whom probably have never heard of the church's wonderful message are great fathers and husbands so yes he can be without believing in what you believe.

Your husband no longer believes what you believe in. He researched and found the church, as millions have, not worthy of his trust. He's still your husband, he respected you enough not to insult or provoke you and researched on his own. Yet it seems you want to reward that by saying he's not trustworthy or even fit to be your husband anymore.

Lady love has a whole lot more to do than about religious beliefs, and doing certain things one may not like. Did you ever talk to him about why he watches porn? What does he find so appealing in it? Did you ever think maybe there are some things that the ladies in porn are doing that he would love to be doing with you instead of just watching it? /sigh You married this man, you obviously love him, act like it. I personally think he loves you because the guy is willing to try to hide all evidence of him pleasing himself in ways he may not be experiencing in his marriage, and yes there is the much worse alternative of another woman.

[AngelinRapture]

So you see the contradiction here? See bolded compared to what you've said about your husband. How can anyone (male or female) embrace sin and be a good spouse or parent?

You need to trust your instincts. And its probably past time to talk with your Bishop.

I wish you all the best in finding help.

I do not understand how someone can say he is not a good person, you do not really know him (and even then, should not judge him) He may feed the homeless, save kittens from the pound, and walk little old ladies across the street.

His actions, while not something you agree with, does not make him a bad person, at the worst, it might just mean he needs someone to support him more, or may understand things a little different than some think he should.

It's like saying I am a bad person, because, while in the Navy and then Coast Guard, I had a laps in judgment, and got a tattoo or two. Does that mean from now on I "embrace sin"? or that I was young, dumb and in the service.

[Twisted_Fairytales]

You're right, because I have seen both my Bishop and counselor before and they haven't said to leave, nor have I gotten that answer in my prayers.

Yes there are many good men out there without this problem, I don't doubt it, but we all have our faults and weaknesses... maybe it wouldn't be this but a drug addiction, abuse, anger, financial, medical, health...etc we deal the best we can with what we're dealt in life, and be grateful for and focus on the good.

Anyone have good recommendations for a place online for support groups specifically for wives with husbands who struggle? And also one specifically for wives who's husband have left their faith?

There is actually a forum for members who's spouses have left their faith...Im desperately trying to think what its called, I will try and find out for you.

I wish you good luck with your situation, I have no advice, sorry just the info on the forum I mentioned. Ill get back to you when Ive hopefully found it!

[Drpepper]

To the op, I hope your very good at discerning between good advice and very bad advice because this thread contains both. If I had one of those blow up baseball bats you get at the fairs I would crack a few people over the head with it.

A Bishop is not a trained counsellor, isn't that a good thing?

He does however hold keys for the spiritual ministering of Gods children in a ward.

I never saw a counsellor with that diploma written on his wall. If you understand the true role and purpose of a Bishop then the question of whether to see him is simple. I would suggest that proper counselling is also appropriate.

Here is a summary of some opinions.

No need to see the Bishop - inflatable baseball bat

All men have these problems - simply not true

You shouldn't have married him because he has sin - inflatable baseball bat

[Swiper]

There is actually a forum for members who's spouses have left their faith...Im desperately trying to think what its called, I will try and find out for you.

faceseast.org ?

[Twisted_Fairytales]

That's the one!

[StrongMan]

Here's an eye-opening site that relies on science rather than religion that might be helpful to him:

yourbrainonporn.com

He doesn't seem to really understand what porn is doing to him. How getting rid of it can enhance his own personal enjoyment of life and intimacy. Quitting isn't just something nice he does out of respect for you--it's for the benefit of his own brain.

Also, I think it would be helpful for you to personally first think about and describe to yourself exactly how his use is affecting you and your intimacy. If you can identify ways in which you feel he's neglecting you or your not feeling his full attention and intimate passions, that might be helpful to describe specifically to him.

Women experience physical desire differently than men, and many men worry about overwhelming their wives with their desires, or they're just looking for an easy escape to various problems.

If he doesn't believe in the church, the bishop's primary ability to help is probably just paying for counselling. Which can be helpful. You can get LDS family services without the bishop, but he'll often help pay for it.