My Future

[Mojomanny]

Hello everyone and thank you in advance for your input.

I am a 49 yr old investigator and am seriously looking into the Church. I am doing a lot of research and praying. I have been a lifelong Catholic, I have a 17 yr old son and have been married for 23 years. In 16 months my marriage will be ending when I divorce my wife. I should have had the marriage annulled during the first year but I may be a bit to loyal. I was working on a divorce when we found out we were going to have a child. I was committed to making sure my son was raised in a two parent household (still not sure it was the best decision) and when he gets into college in 16 months I will begin the divorce proceedings.

My question for this forum is this: Understanding how important family is in the Church, and knowing I am not intended to be single, I want to be married again, in a good, positive relationship. How many single Church members might there be for a 50-53 year old man? (I am not looking for eharmony or a dating club, but I don't want to feel ostracized or not fit in because I do not have a family or an Sealed Marriage. If I do join the Church and it's Gods will that I do find the person that is right for me and I right for her, I do want to be able to have my marriage Sealed.)

Secondarily, after a lot of thought, I am very open to the idea that if it's Heavenly Father's Will that we have children, either as a couple or through adoption. I will say the idea at first scared the heck out of me, being 70 when a son/daughter would be entering college but after thinking and praying I know I need to leave it in His hands. I feel that having a family is part of my calling.

I would greatly appreciate your thoughts, comments and prayer.

[Leah]

Not sure what your question is exactly.

Are you looking for someone to reassure you or guarantee that you will be married once you convert? No one can do that. As I am sure you know, your odds go down with age, whether it is in or out of the church.

Does your wife know of your plans to file for divorce?

Why not work at the marriage you already have?

[pam]

Oh I'm sure there are quite a few single women that age that still have the notion that life is not complete with a man.

[mnn727]

There are always potential spouse available, personally, as someone in his late 50's there no way I would want to have a baby at this point in my life, My dad was 65 when I graduated high school and that was way too old IMHO -- your mileage may vary

[Finrock]

Good Afternoon Mojomanny. It is a pleasure to meet you and welcome to the forums! :)

Hello everyone and thank you in advance for your input.

I am a 49 yr old investigator and am seriously looking into the Church. I am doing a lot of research and praying. I have been a lifelong Catholic, I have a 17 yr old son and have been married for 23 years. In 16 months my marriage will be ending when I divorce my wife. I should have had the marriage annulled during the first year but I may be a bit to loyal. I was working on a divorce when we found out we were going to have a child. I was committed to making sure my son was raised in a two parent household (still not sure it was the best decision) and when he gets into college in 16 months I will begin the divorce proceedings.

My question for this forum is this: Understanding how important family is in the Church, and knowing I am not intended to be single, I want to be married again, in a good, positive relationship. How many single Church members might there be for a 50-53 year old man? (I am not looking for eharmony or a dating club, but I don't want to feel ostracized or not fit in because I do not have a family or an Sealed Marriage. If I do join the Church and it's Gods will that I do find the person that is right for me and I right for her, I do want to be able to have my marriage Sealed.)

Secondarily, after a lot of thought, I am very open to the idea that if it's Heavenly Father's Will that we have children, either as a couple or through adoption. I will say the idea at first scared the heck out of me, being 70 when a son/daughter would be entering college but after thinking and praying I know I need to leave it in His hands. I feel that having a family is part of my calling.

I would greatly appreciate your thoughts, comments and prayer.

Thank you for sharing a bit about yourself. I am happy to know that you are investigating the Church. If I understand your post, I believe your concern is that as a single person you do not want to feel like you do not belong in a Church with so much focus on family. If this is correct, then I want to share with you some thoughts that might help you to understand that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is for all people. The Lord wants you in His church and all that He requires of you is to be willing to serve Him and obey His commandments in whatever capacity He has for you. As you faithfully keep your covenants and obey His word, you will find a place in His Church regardless of your personal circumstances and you will feel personal contentment and happiness.

The Church is made of up all sorts of people so expect to run across some unpleasantness occasionally, but overall, you will find a family in your Ward home who will love you and accept you as you are.

I have no information as to how many single members there are in your age group.

Having children is a commandment but by no means will you be barred from any blessings within the Church because you do not have children and neither will God hold you accountable for circumstances beyond your control. There are many faithful Latter-day Saints (and I don't use the term Saint frivolously) who have no children and they are good and righteous men and women. However, you must do as you suggest and follow what God has in store for you.

Respectfully,

Finrock

[dahlia]

You guys seem to be treating the OP as if he doesn't have children. He has one - or does it only count if you have a child born in the covenant?

I have to admit, as an older, widowed convert, I would feel a bit out of place in my ward full of young, fertile types if I didn't have a child already. At least I get to be a 'parental word of wisdom' even if I can't compete with the current baby making.

[Mojomanny]

Thank you all for your input and feedback.

Leah -

I am not looking for some assurance that I will be married but I do wonder if there are single women in my age range that may be looking for marriage. I know marriage is important in the Church and I know I am not meant to be single.

I have tried to make this marriage work but without both sides trying, all my effort is for naught. I have spend a considerable amount of time, energy and money trying to find solutions but since she wants to bury her head in the sand and not work on things, there is not much more I can do. It's sad, perhaps even tragic, for me to say that I have lost all desire to be with her, spend time with her and have lost any respect for her that I once have. For those reasons, I do not see any opportunity for things to work out.

Based on conversations we have had, she should be aware of the impending divorce .. but I cannot account for how she interpret things.

Pam - thank you for your comments

Mnn727 - I do worry how it would make a child feel to have dad in his 70's when he is going to college, so your comment is appreciated, helps me try to understand another point of view.

Finrock - yes, thank you that is a large part pf my point, that I do not want to feel like an outsider in the Church. I have read how the Church tries to make sure single members are made to feel welcome. but I still cannot help wondering. Couple that with being a new member, in my 50's and I can see a potential to feel isolated. And to be clear I would not marry to avoid that feeling, I want to remarried because I want the pleasure a positive relationship has, of knowing I have someone I want to spend my life and eternity with.

Dahlia - Thank you for your comments , I presume my sons counts for something in the eyes of the church, because he means an awful lot to me. He will not be joining me in my investigation but once I am settled in (presuming I become a member of the Church), I would certainly encourage him to have his own investigation.

I have a lot on my plate to think and ponder on. I appreciate your comments and welcome additional thoughts you have.

[SteveVH]

Just as an aside, the Catholic Church holds the family to be every bit as sacred as the LDS Church does which is why it has such strict rules concerning divorce. I certainly will not judge your situation, but I would think that both faiths would have you try to work on your current marriage as a first priority. It doesn't make sense to break a family apart to join a faith that values the family. The fact that a child may be leaving for college does not lessen the impact of this decision on your family.

Whatever you do, you are in my prayers. I will pray for guidance, wisdom and perseverance for you and your wife.

God bless.

[Smudge]

If where I live is anything like where you live then there will be plenty of dating options for you - here single women appear to way out number single guys. As you focus on progressing your faith and make the effort to be in situations where you will meet someone then it may well happen.

If it is any reassurance to you my friend recently married a 50something guy and another dated one for about 8 months before it fell apart.

Here in Scotland we have a saying which it seems appropriate to share "whats for you will naw (not) go by you" -if we are living the commandments heavenly father has blessings he is desperate to pour out on you.

[Mojomanny]

Stephen - I appreciate your comments and hope you can accept when I say I have spent a lot of time, energy, emotion, money and effort into trying to make it work. A marriage cannot work when only one side is trying, a problem cannot be solved when only one side wants to solve it. Trust me when I tell you that divorce was not my first option, it is my last option and one I do not take lightly.

Perhaps the fact that her sister, my sister-in-law, over 10 (15?) years asked me why I stayed married to my wife might indicate that there is a true and serious issue which I cannot resolve on my own. My wife will not work to help herself help our marriage or help our son. It is unfortunate and it pains me beyond words.

The one reason I have hung in as long as I have is to provide a dual parent household. I know the impact single parent households can have on a child and I refused to let that happen. I also know in my state it is rare for a father to get custody (looked into it a LOT) and that my son would falter if raised with her as the primary role model. I also could not let that happen.

I chose to be in this marriage, he had no choice and I owed him to see him through to the stage he could stand on his own.

Smudge - thanks for your comments, I am learning the Commandments and the full meaning. I am working to be a better man, a better person and I know Heavenly Father will guide me.

Thanks for your comments and feedback, please keep it coming, I am a sponge willing to soak it up.

[Mojomanny]

Here's an update ...

I did see the Missionaries again on Friday and am (trying to) turn over things to them, to let them teach me what I need to know and introduce me to others that will be helpful in my investigation.

I was able to attend part of the Ward Social (BBQ) on Saturday. I was a little uneasy having my first introduction be a social event rather than a spiritual one but I sucked it up and went. I am glad I did. First for other investigators, I will tell you that I was not pounced upon by the members. In fact, for the first 15-20 minutes it was just I and the Missionaries keeping each other company (one had just arrived on Thursday) which was okay with me, we kept each other good company.

When the meal was ready, I broke away from the Missionaries and sat down with two retired couples who came to the country from El Salvador in the 70's. As luck would have it, the Missionaries sat with us since there were few seats left. As I sat there, a few other members came and welcomed myself and the Missionaries and I had some good conversations and am glad I went. I had to leave early, I wish I could have stayed but I had another commitment.

I went to Services on Sunday and was welcomed by one of the families I met at the Social and they invited me to sit with them, which was nice. Sacrament was interesting to hear testimony from three families moving from the Ward, they spoke how the Church has impacted their lives.

After that was Sunday School which was a group of twelve ranging from neophyte (me) to life-long members and ranging from 18 to 50's. It was nice to see that even experienced members attend Sunday School.

Priesthood followed and we discussed the writings of one of the former Presidents.

I had the chance to speak with the Bishop and explained I work every other Sunday and I expect to be committed for my next two weekends off (bringing my son to/from camp) so I did not want my absence to be misconstrued as a lack of interest or commitment to the Church.

I have also decided to up my Missionary meetings to twice a week, I think there is way too much for me to learn.

I welcome your insight, feedback, thoughts or suggestions!

OT ... I need help. I am logged into the site, it shows "Welcome Mojomanny" and beneath that it says "welcome guest login or signup". I am trying to reach one of the moderators by cannot because it wants me to login .. but I am logged in. It's just a vicious cycle. Anyone able to help me with resolving it?

[SteveVH]

Stephen - I appreciate your comments and hope you can accept when I say I have spent a lot of time, energy, emotion, money and effort into trying to make it work. A marriage cannot work when only one side is trying, a problem cannot be solved when only one side wants to solve it. Trust me when I tell you that divorce was not my first option, it is my last option and one I do not take lightly.

Perhaps the fact that her sister, my sister-in-law, over 10 (15?) years asked me why I stayed married to my wife might indicate that there is a true and serious issue which I cannot resolve on my own. My wife will not work to help herself help our marriage or help our son. It is unfortunate and it pains me beyond words.

The one reason I have hung in as long as I have is to provide a dual parent household. I know the impact single parent households can have on a child and I refused to let that happen. I also know in my state it is rare for a father to get custody (looked into it a LOT) and that my son would falter if raised with her as the primary role model. I also could not let that happen.

I chose to be in this marriage, he had no choice and I owed him to see him through to the stage he could stand on his own.

Smudge - thanks for your comments, I am learning the Commandments and the full meaning. I am working to be a better man, a better person and I know Heavenly Father will guide me.

Thanks for your comments and feedback, please keep it coming, I am a sponge willing to soak it up.

As I said, I make no judgments concerning your situation. I certainly understand that there are relationships that just can't continue. Please know that you are in my prayers and I do not just say that. I will be praying for you in my evening prayers today.

[Mojomanny]

Stephen -

Thank you for your prayers, they are sincerely appreciated.

I hope you and the others here can accept that I have spent over 20 years fighting for this relationship, trying to make it work. If I had any reason to think there was daylight beyond the horizon, I would work on it for another 20 years. Unfortunately I have no reason to hope for a positive future with my wife. (and I say that with a very heavy heart)

[SteveVH]

Stephen -

Thank you for your prayers, they are sincerely appreciated.

I hope you and the others here can accept that I have spent over 20 years fighting for this relationship, trying to make it work. If I had any reason to think there was daylight beyond the horizon, I would work on it for another 20 years. Unfortunately I have no reason to hope for a positive future with my wife. (and I say that with a very heavy heart)

Understood.

[ACommonMan]

So many thoughts and such a broad spectrum of implied questions. Where to begin?

First, in fairness to understanding my background, my wife through me out six months ago. She hasn't filed yet but, the word from her lawyer is that all terms have been resolved and he'll send me paperwork soon. We had three daughters, currently 20, 18, and 17. We've had troubles, and talks of divorce, for the past 15 years. I reached a point around 11 years ago where I decided that if it ended, it would not be for my lack of dedication and trying. So, I understand the loyal to a fault feeling.

As for how many LDS women are out there, My wife is 51 and she'll be available soon. Do you feel like helping me out with the alimony? ;-)

On a serious note, don't even think about dating yet. Until you're actually divorced, it doesn't matter. Whether or not to divorce should not be based on how difficult it will be to "fit in" afterwards. If a divorce is the right thing to do, then any consequences will work out in the way they should. I too wish I had a glass ball (or perhaps a couple of clear stones) to tell me what my future holds. I will admit to browsing LDSSingles.com to reassure myself that I won't be a leper without any options. But after a few days of that, I realized that I am not divorced yet and, despite the extenuating circumstances, it was cheating on my wife to be thinking about dating someone before things are legally finalized.

The other curiosity I have is, why wait 16 months? I realize there's a year left before your son is legally an adult but, is he going to be surprised and devastated to learn of the divorce filing? I can see the argument for keeping up appearances when he's 10 but, I'm not sure I see it now. It leaves me wondering if you're being too logical about it and not allowing the Spirit to help guide you.

If I may be so bold, I think you might benefit from reading "Real Love" by Greg Baer. I wish I had read it prior to my wife reaching her last straw. Like you, I struggled with what I could do if she wasn't willing to work on her issues too. Dr. Baer hypothesizes that those thoughts miss the whole point. She was drowning in the same sea I was and what I saw as her trying to pull me down further was really just her trying to save herself. It's a shift away from feeling like she's doing things "to" you. It may not help save this marriage, but it would be good to try it before calling it quits.

[Mojomanny]

Thanks Acommonman!

First my empathy for your situation, I can sense you feel my pain. I think I will pass on helping with the alimony.

I am not thinking of dating yet, that's not how I do things. But I am thinking ahead about what is important to me. I am planning for when I can date but I am not dating.

Why wait 15 more months? Well the reality is the marriage has been dead for a long time. It's not a case of making it look good for my son, its a matter of my sense of commitment and responsibility to him. I believe he needs my support because with her issues, it would not be good for him to live with her as the sole or primary role model.

I will take your suggestion about the book. Understand the issue isn't that she is bringing me down, it is a matter of her not doing anything to help herself (and us at the same time).

Thanks for your input.