First relationship struggles

[pondante]

Ok, I am 26 years old and in my first relationship of about 1+ years. We get along pretty well, have a lot of fun together, and love each other. She is ready to get married and has told me many times. I think of marriage with her and I imagine how fun it would be. I quickly begin to think about things that she does that bother me or things about her past that bother me. I try repenting of my judgement calls, and try to be a better person. I don't feel like these things should be a factor, however, I cannot seem to get past them. I've been to the temple many times trying to get answers as to what to do. I don't seem to get anything. I pray, fast, and do, what I feel is, all the right things, to no avail. We're at a point where we really need to move on. She has been ready for quite some time, yet I'm still iffy about it. I can't tell if I'm just scared to get married and be completely responsible or if I genuinely have some deep concerns that need to be resolved first.

I think about losing her and feel devastated, but also feel worried when I think about marriage.

Things I worry about are: her debts (quite a bit), family issues (divorce in the family and sick parent), and sometimes her looks.

Anyone have any advice? I'm really desperate.

[Guest]

I can't tell if I'm just scared to get married and be completely responsible

That's my guess.

Her debt? Talk about it. See how she feels about working together to get rid of it and never get it back. Make a plan for that.

Her family? Every family has some dysfunction. Every family has some divorce. It's not her fault that her family is normal like that.

Her looks? Excuse my bluntness, but are you a GQ model yourself? Do you need to get over yourself a little? Are you worried about what other people think? The important thing is that you yourself are attracted to her. Whether she's sufficient arm candy is a matter of pride on your part.

Honestly you sound just like my husband when we were dating. He was looking for a big lightening answer. In the end, his answer was the peace and happiness he felt when he thought about us sharing a life together. We're going on 15 very happy (but not perfect) years. No relationship is perfect, no person is perfect. Part of marriage is developing qualities like forgiveness, patience, longsuffering, etc. If the things that annoy you are little quirks, again, look at the mote in your own eye and try to realize that despite what mission presidents sometimes say, Celestial Barbie is not real.

[Anddenex]

Marriage is the most important decision you will make in your life. When thinking about marriage with her think about her happiness and if you really are the type of man that will bring her the happiness she deserves.

If you are looking for a perfect woman, you won't find one. I am assuming there are things that bother her about you, but she appears to be willing to let those slide to be with you.

If things about her past bother you, marriage is not the cure. I truly have compassion for people who think that once they are married all the problems will just "go away." If they bother you now, they will bother you once you are married. The true question, you have been looking past these "past decisions" for 1+ years of dating her, why wouldn't you look past them while married?

If you are unable to look past them, why are you still dating her? The other real question, is her past still a part of her in the present? I dated a young lady who had a colorful past. Her past didn't bother me. It was the past decisions which still showed they were very much in the present still. Thus, has she fully repented if they are these types of "past decisions," if so, then I wouldn't let the past bother me unless you think she will return to her past.

Instead of going to the temple to find out what to do, you need to decide what you want in a wife, if she bears the fruit of what you want in a wife then you make a decision and then go before the Lord asking if your decision is right.

Take this for what it is worth (from a guy over the internet), if something bothers you now it will bother you after marriage. If you are unable to look past it, then you really need to think hard about possibly ending the relationship. Have you spoken with your parents? They have stewardship over you and are able to provide insight you wouldn't receive anywhere else. Have you spoken with your bishop?

She doesn't need someone to drag her emotions.

[ElectofGod]

That post sounds exactly like what I said before I got married.

What was my deciding factors even though I seemed never to get an answer? Never did except when we got married I remember feeling very "peaceful" at that moment that it would be ok and this was right.

1) She was the only person I could be myself entirely around

2) I could tell her anything

3) She made me happy

4) I always wanted to be around her.

Yes there were and are things in her personality/looks that drove me crazy, most have subsided now but others are still there. Things from her past bothered me occasionally. I really wanted to date around but couldn't break up with her as I was afraid to lose her. That was a sign I cared enough

[Mojomanny]

As someone who has been married for 23 years, my advice is to take your time and be more sure than you are now. In fact, your post leads me to think perhaps she is not right for you.

I have made my mistakes and am very far from perfect. My wife and her family had issues and I thought I could help change them, change her. I can tell you after 23 years that this plan has failed miserably. While I have tried everything I can think of to help her change, she has no desire to. It is unfortunate and sad, be she is either in total denial of her situation, our situation or is content the way she is.

Take your time, if she is the right one, you will be together for time and eternity so another month, six months or year now will be insignificant. Continue to pray and trust your own instincts whether she is or is not who you are meant to be with.

[mdfxdb]

Ok, I am 26 years old and in my first relationship of about 1+ years. We get along pretty well, have a lot of fun together, and love each other. She is ready to get married and has told me many times. I think of marriage with her and I imagine how fun it would be. I quickly begin to think about things that she does that bother me or things about her past that bother me. I try repenting of my judgement calls, and try to be a better person. I don't feel like these things should be a factor, however, I cannot seem to get past them. I've been to the temple many times trying to get answers as to what to do. I don't seem to get anything. I pray, fast, and do, what I feel is, all the right things, to no avail. We're at a point where we really need to move on. She has been ready for quite some time, yet I'm still iffy about it. I can't tell if I'm just scared to get married and be completely responsible or if I genuinely have some deep concerns that need to be resolved first.

I think about losing her and feel devastated, but also feel worried when I think about marriage.

Things I worry about are: her debts (quite a bit), family issues (divorce in the family and sick parent), and sometimes her looks.

Anyone have any advice? I'm really desperate.

Advice: Move on. Let her go.

You have been dating 1+ yrs and still can't get over this stuff? It's time to move on. If you're concerned about her looks, it's time to move on. This isn't just for you, it's for her as well.

[Guest]

This is how you know you are ready to marry somebody:

* When you see all of who she is (including all her faults and weaknesses) plain as day - who she was in the past, who she is in the present, and who she may be in the future - and you know FOR A FACT you will still be entwined with her regardless because she's a part of you. You will grow together, you will bleed together, you will laugh together from now until you're changing each other's diapers. This ceases to be about you. This starts to be about both of you as one unit. Inseparable.

So that, when after you are married, some Angelina Jolie with Mother Teresa's personality woman happens to show interest in you, you can look her in the eye and tell her, with all your heart, "You're an amazing woman and you will make some guy a lucky man, but that man is not me because I have chosen my wife and she is a part of me".

If you don't feel this way with this girl, then you're not ready to marry. Cut the ropes, let her go. She doesn't deserve being dangled around with no future to look forward to. If, after you think hard about it, this is exactly how you feel, then marry the girl. Tomorrow.

Edited June 13, 2013 by anatess

[rameumptom]

What things have you done in your past that are probably just as bad as what she has done? Let's face it. Most people have done something worthy of going to jail over. Often the difference is most of us were lucky enough not to be caught.

The key is to go into a dating situation with your eyes wide open, and into marriage with your eyes half closed. If you can't do that, then you are not ready for marriage to anyone. You will not find the perfect mate, because she doesn't exist. BTW, you are not the perfect mate, either. The key is for two people to learn to become one. It is a process.

My wife and I have been married for almost 27 years. Both previously divorced, and her with 3 kids from that marriage. Our whole past is full of baggage. But our marriage is wonderful, because we focus on caring for each other, and not selfishly on ourselves. We are more "one" now than ever before. Yet, we are still not perfectly one. I suppose the perfect union will come after the resurrection. But it is still awesome today.

[EarlJibbs]

Things I worry about are: her debts (quite a bit), family issues (divorce in the family and sick parent), and sometimes her looks.

Her looks? I am curious about this one. Do you find her ugly? I agree that looks are not everything. But you are going to have to look at her for a very long time and if you do not find her attractive, you are going to run into some bumpy times.

We shouldn’t expect the worldly version of what a perfect woman should look like, but unless you can look at her and tell her how beautiful you really think she is, I don’t think that is fair.

Divorce in the family - I am not sure what that has to do with your marriage or love for this girl. We all marry into some pretty messed up families. Heck, my family is pretty messed up, can’t control that.

Debts are big issue, but if you feel that you can accept those debts as your own after marriage (along with any other baggage, including your own) that doesn’t seem like you cannot get through it.

I may be wrong, but not marrying the girl you love because she has a sick parent, seems like a strategic move (like you wont marry her so you dont have to pay for her parent). That is unless you already have major impassable arguments over it.

Those are my opinions however.

Edited June 13, 2013 by EarlJibbs

[Smeagums]

Ok, I am 26 years old and in my first relationship of about 1+ years. We get along pretty well, have a lot of fun together, and love each other. She is ready to get married and has told me many times. I think of marriage with her and I imagine how fun it would be. I quickly begin to think about things that she does that bother me or things about her past that bother me. I try repenting of my judgement calls, and try to be a better person. I don't feel like these things should be a factor, however, I cannot seem to get past them. I've been to the temple many times trying to get answers as to what to do. I don't seem to get anything. I pray, fast, and do, what I feel is, all the right things, to no avail. We're at a point where we really need to move on. She has been ready for quite some time, yet I'm still iffy about it. I can't tell if I'm just scared to get married and be completely responsible or if I genuinely have some deep concerns that need to be resolved first.

I think about losing her and feel devastated, but also feel worried when I think about marriage.

Things I worry about are: her debts (quite a bit), family issues (divorce in the family and sick parent), and sometimes her looks.

Anyone have any advice? I'm really desperate.

My wife and I's parents are both divorced. I don't think that should stop you from marrying the girl. I do think debt should be talked about. She has a debt burden you'll be inheriting. Is the debt from school or does she like to spend lots of money? If the debt was from school, does she have a job that will enable her to pay off her loans in a timely manner, you helping of course, for you to have children? Will this debt burden cause struggles between the two of you because you, her or both of you expected an easier time paying the bills.

You should definitely be attracted to the one you love.

My advice is don't rush.

[Bini]

I agree with those that have said: move on.

If you're not 100% attracted to her and it's eating at you a year (plus) later -- save your time and hers, and move on. No one is perfect but if you're really questioning her looks (and it's tolling on you) maybe it's for the better that you part ways.

[John11111]

Hate to be the bad guy but looks to some peoplen looks can be as important if not more important than many other qualities. If one of his needs in a relationship is for her to look good take care of herself dress well etc who are we to judge?

Looks dont last forever so a relationship should NOT be built on looks alone, but dont degrade its importance to some people.

Here is a link from marriagebuilders, for more on that if your interested, Physical Attractiveness