Guest seek2ctr Posted June 28, 2013 Report Share Posted June 28, 2013 I am an active member of the church who is having a personal crisis. I do not believe my husband loves me any longer. It all began about a year ago when he had an 3 month emotional affair with a coworker and then when i found out he said it was over... then recently i have learned he car pools with her occassionaly and calls her again but he says it is strickly work. I could believe him if he had not changed so much lately... no longer will pray with me; never reads his scriptures; tries to only go to sacrament; stopped doing his calling; and has started using very foul language --- but most of all he jnow refuses to have any relations with me. He is dealing with some ED and has decided that I ruined his life by not having enough intimate relations earlier in his life (I am sure there were times when I needed to go to sleep, was very busy and was not all he hoped I would be) but we had a very good and active "relationship" until this past year.He claims he is no longer able to have relations and is not interested anymore --- Yet, I have caught him watching porn occassionaly. He gets very defensive and claims lots of men in our ward do this and it is not a problem. I find myself wanting to discuss our problems and thus being able to work thru them and move on --- but he only refuses and then it makes me so mad and hurt that I say things about what he has done in the past and it only makes him madder. I asked him if he wanted a divorce, his comment was "I do if you keep bringing up stuff and going thru these discussions all the time". I sincerly feel he is just comfortable and I am nothing but an "old shoe" that is hard to get rid of. I take good care of myself, work full time in a respected job; have let my hair grow longer (then found it looks alot like the girl he was so friendly with) and lost 20 lbs. Please help me with advice on how can I know he loves me? or Do I just put my foot down and end up hurting our family with a divorce? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 29, 2013 Report Share Posted June 29, 2013 I think it's time to figure out what's really going on. I know I sound like a broken record here sometimes, but I really think that marriagebuilders.com has great advice for getting to the bottom of things and then giving it your best shot at fixing it; and failing that, getting out with your interests as well-protected as possible. I suggest going there and reading a lot, and posting on the forums there, to get some guidance on what to do next. I'm sorry to say it doesn't sound very good to me and I would suspect there's a lot more going with the coworker than he's telling you. Best of luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just_A_Guy Posted June 29, 2013 Report Share Posted June 29, 2013 Kids? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Praetorian_Brow Posted June 29, 2013 Report Share Posted June 29, 2013 Maybe its a girl thing, but why are you more concerned about what you believe he feels, rather than what you feel? Cheating in any fashion or avoidance, does not necessarily mean that someone has lost feelings for their spouse Of course he is going to go defensive about his behaviour, especially when you confront him about it. In my experience, when people have confronted me with issues, more often than not, they tend to punish me by burdening me with guilt, which adds to my load and perpetuates the cycle and resolves nothing. He knows what you feel about his actions and knows the Mormon perspective on his actions, but what he doesn't know is whether or not you look past his issues and see him for what he is. Sitting down and listening would be a good step, rather than assuming the worst or ignoring the root causes, as most often, it stems from unresolved family dysfunction. Do not confront him, but arrange it so that he does most of the talking about both of your issues, as you are both in it together! Most likely, you won't agree with what he says, but at least he will know you care. Seems tough to be the one to make the olive branch, considering most will consider him a piece of offal for his actions, but solid covenants are not depended on the others actions, but your own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest seek2ctr Posted June 29, 2013 Report Share Posted June 29, 2013 Thank you for your advice and comments. I understand what you mean about him feeling judged and defensive... but its so hard when he feels he has done no wrong. That his emotional affair was no big deal, porn no big deal and not wanting to be intimate with me what I deserve because he remembers me being too tired or too busy a few times in the past. I am trying to change my attitude to one of non judgement and just doing everything his way... if nothing else our last few monthes together will maybe have some good memories. I guess in my heart I am just trying to accept that he no longer loves me and that I will eventually not share his life.... here or in eternity. Its so hard when I love him so much.... but maybe love means letting go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annewandering Posted June 29, 2013 Report Share Posted June 29, 2013 It is hard to keep up a demanding sex life with two women. Sometimes you just have to chose one over the other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzie Posted June 30, 2013 Report Share Posted June 30, 2013 The fact he no longer wants to be intimate with you it's a huge red flag that he is probably being intimate with someone else. I'm sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest seek2ctr Posted June 30, 2013 Report Share Posted June 30, 2013 I know it seems so obvious.... But he claims over and over thrre is no one else.... But can there not be? He claims he has ED.... And that is why there is no interest. How can I ever find out for sure? other than normal work hours... He is not gone that much... unless he is with someone somehow during the day. I feel like I am losing my mind. Help Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Praetorian_Brow Posted June 30, 2013 Report Share Posted June 30, 2013 Ask him? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzie Posted July 1, 2013 Report Share Posted July 1, 2013 Praetorian, she said he denies it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzie Posted July 1, 2013 Report Share Posted July 1, 2013 I know it seems so obvious.... But he claims over and over thrre is no one else.... But can there not be? He claims he has ED.... And that is why there is no interest. How can I ever find out for sure? other than normal work hours... He is not gone that much... unless he is with someone somehow during the day. I feel like I am losing my mind. HelpSeems to me that perhaps the other person is someone from work however, there are always signs. What about his behavior? Does he receive weird phone calls? Does he tell you that he loves you? What about the way he looks? Did it change recently? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gr82bok Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 · Hidden Hidden He fiercly denies it! If I had not seen the evidence of the porn, the email / text / call records, the notes and knowing he lunches and carpools on occassion... I would think I was crazy!!! He is becoming even more distant and we hardly even talk anymore. Every time I ask or try and talk with him... he becomes angry, defensive and uses language that I cant believe is coming from him. I am trying to just cope daily, but the question is always there... and I guess I need to accept that "He Loves Me Not". Link to comment
Guest seek2ctr Posted July 2, 2013 Report Share Posted July 2, 2013 He denies it all -- sometimes makes me feel like I am "crazy'. If it werent for the physical evidence of the emotional affair, finding he goes to lunch and carpools with her, and the porn--- I would not believe it myself. Except for the fact that he will barely kiss me, never holds my hand, wont look me in the eye, have a conversation above telling about his day and the big one of not showing any interest in being intimate. I just wish I could know the truth and that he would be honest with me (even though it would hurt) How do I find out for sure and move on? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest seek2ctr Posted July 7, 2013 Report Share Posted July 7, 2013 I had the "talk" this morning and asked him if he was watching porn since I have repeatedly found evidence on the computer and on his phone that he is. He got extremely defensive and told me I was crazy... I don't believe he will ever-ever admit it. If he does not... how will he ever get the help needed to save our marriage and move forward? I am seeking advice on how to move forward if he will not change and admit any issues... then all I can change is me. How do I cope? How do I love him and not learn to hate him over his "sickness"? I am praying, fasting and seeking help! I welcome any suggestions on how to know for sure if porn is the problem or if it is all in my head. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzie Posted July 7, 2013 Report Share Posted July 7, 2013 Why are you doubting and think perhaps is all in your head when you told us you found porn on his phone and computer? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mdfxdb Posted July 8, 2013 Report Share Posted July 8, 2013 Here is the deal. The only person you can change is you. You cannot change him. You need to decide what you want to live with now, and in the eternities. If you feel that he can change, and he has the desire to change then I encourage you to seek professional help. If he is unwilling to admit a problem or unwilling to see a problem from your point of view then you will have a big decision to make. How long are you willing to wait for him to change? How much infidelity/lies are you willing to put up with? Adultery, Addiction, and Abuse are all very legitimate reasons for divorce. Which of those are you willing to put up with? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
diane9986 Posted July 23, 2013 Report Share Posted July 23, 2013 I do not believe my husband loves me any longer.language --- but most of all he now refuses to have any relations with me. I find myself wanting to discuss our problems and thus being able to work thru them and move on --- but he only refuses and then it makes me so mad and hurt that I say things about what he has done in the past and it only makes him madder. I asked him if he wanted a divorce, his comment was "I do if you keep bringing up stuff and going thru these discussions all the time". I sincerely feel he is just comfortable and I am nothing but an "old shoe" that is hard to get rid of. I take good care of myself, work full time in a respected job; have let my hair grow longer (then found it looks a lot like the girl he was so friendly with) and lost 20 lbs. Please help me with advice on how can I know he loves me? or Do I just put my foot down and end up hurting our family with a divorce? Just with this part of your post I would HIGHLY recommend reading the book The 5 love Languages. it may just be that after how ever many years of marriage you stopped speaking in each others love language. Everyone has a different way of feeling love. For him it is most likely different from yours so even though you feel as if you are taking care of things and want to talk threw your issues he is not responding because that is not the way he feels loved by you. This could also play a part in the affair he had with a co-worker because this person is speaking his language for right now. It will also help you to understand how you feel loved by your husband. Another Great book that I would recommend is The Love Diary. It's a 40 day commitment though and If you get it you must do all 40 days. It will change your life and not just with your husband but with everyone around you. I hope this helps and I hope that things get better soon. It may be hard right now but remember Time and All Eternity is a long time so this is just a blink in what will be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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