How do you "I" in a very "E" church?

[mountain_trails]

So this mtbi thread got me thinking. Unless I missed it, everyone that responded is an introvert. Surprise, I am too. However, I find the church EXTREMELY extrovert oriented, and not very friendly to introverts.

So how does everyone do it? I went through a period for a few years of having callings that nearly put me on psychiatric meds to deal with the strain and stress. My health was even affected. Frankly, it was a VERY dark time in my life that I am still struggling to overcome.

I'm not the only one, right?

[Lakumi]

that has been my biggest fear about joining the church. knowing my own limitations so I would refuse things, and I don't know how that would be received. (I refuse meds of all kinds)

Sometimes I think I just wouldn't cut it.

[Dark_Jedi]

Many teachers are actually "I"s as well. Being an introvert doesn't mean one can't socialize nor does it mean one can't be comfortable in a crowd or as the center of attention.

[Anddenex]

that has been my biggest fear about joining the church. knowing my own limitations so I would refuse things, and I don't know how that would be received. (I refuse meds of all kinds)

Sometimes I think I just wouldn't cut it.

Ether 12: 27

[Quin]

I don't just look at introvert extrovert... I prefer the psych model that defines introversion as getting your energy from time by ones self (and exerting energy around others), and extroversion as e reverse: getting your energy from being around people, being by yourself is exhausting.

Which creates a 4part:

Outgoing Extrovert

Shy extrovert (classic wall flower)

Outgoing introvert

Shy introvert

Me'self... I'm an outgoing introvert: I love people... But they exhaust me.

For my kind...

1) I carefully budget my social time. I know for a fact any "big" social outing (2-200) will need about 3 hours of down time following it. By myself. With a book. Or movie. Or whatever. No kids. No husband. No trips out in public. Just. Me.

So I tend to arrange or agree to social things

- right after dropping my boys at school

- in the evening at their bedtime (either coming home at bedtime to put them in bed so I can zone out, or leaving after their bedtime so they're asleep when I come home).

((This means I looooooove Wednesdays. Perfect for me. But pass on a lot of other social events. ESP right after church or brunch before church. Ditto stuff that goes until the end of school, and then I have to race to pick him up.))

2) I carefully guard my alone time.

Which might sound obvious with #1... But it took me YEARS to figure out that my need for alone time is both valid and necessary. It's NOT "doing nothing". It's self care. If I'm going to be social I HAVE to create downtime to compensate... Or I start to "hermit". Refuse to go anywhere because I know how tired I'm going to be. Not shyness. Just self protection. If I don't have time to recuperate (and the chutzpah to do so, instead of cleaning/errands/etc.) then I don't go out. So I go out FAR less than many, but keeping that balance lets me go out. I just calculate out an extra couple hours into every event.

________

Shy extroverts are "simple" solution wise.... They need a Shepard. Someone to drag them along, insert them into situations they want to be in but are too timid dive into, the,selves. I've done this for a number of friends. If you're a shy extrovert .. You need an outgoing extrovert or an outgoing introvert to link arms with you. I nicknamed myself the "Gold Engraved Invitation" at one duty station.

Because SHYNESS is a learned trait. It can be unlearned, or relearned. Over time. But it really does mean the stars have to align, or a person has to be really determined.

________

I'm assuming you're either a shy extrovert or an outgoing introvert (since shy introverts have no desire to be social. If I'm wrong and you're asking how to make people leave you alone... I apologize for misunderstanding).

Q

[bytor2112]

I am an introvert..I guess. Though I work in a very extroverted field and if you met me would likely think I am very extroverted. My wife says i am just anti-social.....I think I just prefer to be alone but never am.

[estradling75]

So this mtbi thread got me thinking. Unless I missed it, everyone that responded is an introvert. Surprise, I am too. However, I find the church EXTREMELY extrovert oriented, and not very friendly to introverts.

So how does everyone do it? I went through a period for a few years of having callings that nearly put me on psychiatric meds to deal with the strain and stress. My health was even affected. Frankly, it was a VERY dark time in my life that I am still struggling to overcome.

I'm not the only one, right?

Not all introverts are the same

Introverts can range from someone that would prefer to read a good book rather then talk to people all the way to someone that get a massive panic attack at the mere idea of talking to people.

Many of the introverts in the church treat the tasks that they are sometimes required to do like they would any other task they find to be unpleasant. Try to avoid it.. try to get someone else to do it... but in the end some times you just have to step up and get it done.

[TalkativeIntrovert]

I get a headache every Sunday after church.

I try and rush between classes so I am not caught in the hallway having to hug people and create social chit chat. I was given a calling of musical director and, putting aside having no musical talent at all, standing in front of the group conducting was so painful I would be in tears.

I ended up asking to be released - and was. The stress was unbearable.

So no, you are not alone.

How I deal with it? Sometimes I just go to sacrament then go home. A few times I have become overwhelmed and gone and sat in the car, where, interestingly, I notice others doing the same. Obviously I don't know their reasonings.

I have also spoken to the Sunday School teacher and asked not to be called upon for answers, she was great, she now asks the group for an answer and people raise their hands.

Relief society is the worst, we now sit in a circle facing each other, there is no hiding. I have only been once since this new arrangement.

It is getting harder as an introvert as I get older as a lot more seems to be expected of me. Maybe that is just in my head.

You are right, the church doesn't work well for introverts, but it is not about socialising, it is about the spiritual, so I keep trying.

[Eternum]

I find it's about incentives. Like Quin said, planning in recovery time and knowing your limits. I can do tasks far easier if it's, "Ok, as soon as this is over I have X books to read and leftovers for microwaving."

I admit I'm also kind of controlling about communication. I work better with texts and email, not random phone calls that leave me flustered while they look for quick answers and quick decisions. Even if I say, "Let me think about this and call you back later," I still feel like it's looming vs. when it's a text that I can respond to when it's convenient. I do this for my own stress control and health.

So, I let phone calls go to voicemail, and respond in texts unless the call is dire and requires immediate attention. The extroverts don't like it, but they'll live. Most communication doesn't need an immediate response, as much as some people like to think it does.

[TalkativeIntrovert]

Eternum - I actually have my voice message stating that they should send a quick text and I will respond as soon as I can :) I rarely answer the phone as I get so flustered that all sensible thought leaves me.

My name here says it all - I am happy to be talkative online, under controlled conditions, when I am comfortable. I can also do that in some social situations eg 1:1 and when I know the person well.

[Lakumi]

I don't understand these callings, do they just ask random people to do random things, I have like no real talents outside creative writing (or interests in the grand scheme of useful things, nothing else I do would ever factor into something I could be called to do... not that I assume writing stories would either)

[TalkativeIntrovert]

Lakumi, here's how it was explained to me recently:

- a calling is required to be fulfilled

- the relevant priesthood holders pray individually about it and come together and discuss who they were inspired to recommend

- they discuss and pray as a group. Sometimes the answer is very evidently yes, othertimes no, and sometimes to pray some more.

- if the answer is yes, the person is offered the position

In my case, call it blasphemous, but I don't think it was an inspired calling. I think it was an "easy" calling they could give me due to my disability. It was also one that it didn't matter too much if I was unable to attend. I can see the goal of the priesthood is to get my family more active and a good way to do that is with callings.

My son has now been offered the Deacon's Quorum President calling, which I think it great and he will do really well. He is a born leader, outgoing, organised and willing. I told him to not accept on the spot and ask if he could go and pray on it - that was after some feedback on this site and I am really glad that I found it was an option, rather than accepting on the spot because you feel you have to. He will now go into the role knowing he is part of the decision making process and received his own confirmation through prayer.

[JodyTJ]

I'm an introvert. But when it comes to things I like and enjoy, such as the Church, I become talkative and love to chit chat, especially about the scriptures and other stuff. I don't know why, because in normal social situations I am more quiet.

Edited August 15, 2013 by JodyTJ

[Lakumi]

Lakumi, here's how it was explained to me recently:

- a calling is required to be fulfilled

- the relevant priesthood holders pray individually about it and come together and discuss who they were inspired to recommend

- they discuss and pray as a group. Sometimes the answer is very evidently yes, othertimes no, and sometimes to pray some more.

- if the answer is yes, the person is offered the position

In my case, call it blasphemous, but I don't think it was an inspired calling. I think it was an "easy" calling they could give me due to my disability. It was also one that it didn't matter too much if I was unable to attend. I can see the goal of the priesthood is to get my family more active and a good way to do that is with callings.

My son has now been offered the Deacon's Quorum President calling, which I think it great and he will do really well. He is a born leader, outgoing, organised and willing. I told him to not accept on the spot and ask if he could go and pray on it - that was after some feedback on this site and I am really glad that I found it was an option, rather than accepting on the spot because you feel you have to. He will now go into the role knowing he is part of the decision making process and received his own confirmation through prayer.

I see, well I would be the only Mormon in my family, and that would stay that way...

I have no idea what, if anything, I would be able to do...or want to do... but I am a very fickle human being, which, like my greed, are habits I know i need to break, unlike the ones I don't feel are harmful, but that's another talk

[Dravin]

I have no idea what, if anything, I would be able to do...

Note that one of the point of callings can be to develop talents or attributes. Turning down callings because you don't have a talent for them is somewhat akin to turning down schooling because you down already know the subject matter of the classes. Sometimes the talents developed aren't necessarily directly related to the calling in an obvious way either. As far as your talent for writing, it'd probably be more extroverted than you'd like, because it'd require coordination with others, but I could see that being a useful talent for someone contributing to something like the ward newsletter.

Also there is a rather wide range of callings, as if there is a need or desire for something to be done then a calling can be extended concerning it. As an example one could hypothetically be called to help straighten the hymnbooks in their holders on the pews, distribute them onto the overflow chairs before Church, and put them back onto their storage cart after Church.

[Lakumi]

yeah creative writing is not done by a committee, simply typing out something is pretty easy since I do it so quickly but wouldn't hold my interest (though I don't think my ward has a newsletter, its quite small)

[Dravin]

yeah creative writing is not done by a committee, simply typing out something is pretty easy since I do it so quickly but wouldn't hold my interest (though I don't think my ward has a newsletter, its quite small)

I was addressing the applicability of existing talents (if you can write well it helps even if you aren't being asked to tell a tale), not the idea that you'd find the calling 'fun'.

Edited August 15, 2013 by Dravin

[Lakumi]

I was addressing the applicability of existing talents, not the idea that you'd find the calling 'fun'.

well I have few talents

I'd hope I would find the calling fun in some degree, my extreme introverted nature and often fragile emotional state (at times) certainly doesn't make things easy

[Dravin]

well I have few talents

I'd hope I would find the calling fun in some degree

To a large degree that depends on your attitude and how you approach it. I find landscaping (this isn't an example of a Church calling) satisfying and at times fun. When it's fun it isn't because the labor is akin to reading a good book, riding a roller coaster, or playing a video game but because of the satisfaction I derive from the completed project and the attitude I have while I'm working on it.