Obesity, being understanding and facing fears

[Backroads]

You don't. It's not news to them, I promise.

That does not mean they are in the best position to help themselves. That is when a dialogue can be good.

[Guest]

How exactly would you start a conversation like that? "You're fat, and I don't think you understand how to fix it. Let me help."

Really, they know. If there is help they feel you can provide and they feel that you're a safe person to turn to, they'll ask.

[Iggy]

Now just wait one minute everyone. I did not say EVERY FAT PERSON.

I started my post off with: I am obese. From one Fat person - I. Do. Not. Call. Others. FAT!

I am not judging those obese people who have junk food in their carts. I am stating that those who are paying for that junk food with a state food stamp card should have gotten dietary and nutrition classes before they got their card!

So BACK OFF please.

[slamjet]

Now just wait one minute everyone. I did not say EVERY FAT PERSON.

I started my post off with: I am obese. From one Fat person - I. Do. Not. Call. Others. FAT!

I am not judging those obese people who have junk food in their carts. I am stating that those who are paying for that junk food with a state food stamp card should have gotten dietary and nutrition classes before they got their card!

So BACK OFF please.

Aw heck, Iggy, I wasn't yelling at you, I used this as an excuse to vent

[Backroads]

How exactly would you start a conversation like that? "You're fat, and I don't think you understand how to fix it. Let me help."

Really, they know. If there is help they feel you can provide and they feel that you're a safe person to turn to, they'll ask.

I think you're putting words in my mouth. A dialogue in a certain setting is a heck of a lot different than randomly starting a conversation in the middle of nowhere with the crazy ideal you are an expert for helping.

My initial post was a response to Leah, who suggested we never ever discuss weight with people. Often these people need more support than they have and do not dare discuss it with anyone.

Because, no, they don't always ask someone they trust. I have a friend who struggled with obesity and was thankful when someone finally approached her about it. She was scared to discuss it with anyone because it was shameful to her.

To expect the obese person to ask for help every single time instead of offering it under the right circumstances is kind of cruel.

Now, I really appreciate slamjet's older post and everything he says in it is golden. I completely agree no one should mock fat people.

BUT I don't think society and friends and family should be dead silent about it, either. Dialogues can be supportive. They are not, as Eowyn suggested, prideful monologues on how to help someone when the giver probably has no clue what to do.

But why should we leave a person afraid to discuss a health problem? Why should it be such a taboo topic? The Weight Loss Edition show in the OP is not about people blindly pretending someone isn't unhealthy.

Leah says we can't say we're concerned about someone's health. So I simply asked "then how do we start a dialogue?" Not as a challenge, but as a question. The obese person in question, of course, has to want to change, but that is hard to do in an environment where the world will end if the subject is ever brought up.

Edited August 20, 2013 by Backroads

[dahlia]

I was observing a person who not only was obese but clearly did not care about her appearance. It was the latter quality that bothered me.

That is an issue for me as well, tho it really isn't my business, is it? It's just that I've seen so many big black women who really dress well, are beautiful, and are comfortable in their bodies. But maybe that's due to environment. You see well-dressed people in DC and Philly because of the types of jobs, but out here, 'well-dressed' is clean pants and a tank top with sequins (at Walmart, at noon).

I am a big fan of the shows on obesity. I don't know why. I was FB friends with a young guy who was on one of these shows years ago. I didn't follow him that much and was shocked to see he had died after surgery. Another man, who was on the 'My 600 lb Life' died of a heart attack behind the wheel recently, killing someone else in the process. I cried and cried for both of them. Not just for their deaths, but the hard lives they had led with all that weight.

Why do people do this to themselves? Sometimes it's after a traumatic event, but not always. And why should trauma cause overeating to the point of immobility? I don't know enough about psychology to know these answers - I just watch these sad people on TV and wonder what happens to people.

btw - if you really like this stuff, check out 'Supersize vs. Superskinny' on YouTube. It's a good show from Britain where opposites exchange meals for 3 days to a week and try to figure out why they eat the way they do. It includes that gorgeous Dr Christian Jensen.

[SpiritDragon]

I've never seen the show, but I deal with the issue often as a fitness professional.

I have the good fortune to play a supportive role in these people's lives. No two cases are alike. Every individual comes with a different level of readiness for change. Sometimes they resent the help they came to me for, other times I can do no wrong in their eyes... sometimes both conditions exist with the same person at different times.

The issue is obviously complex. No doubt it is frustrating to grow larger year by year while others around don't. Mental anguish abounds because of self-blame and self-loathing at allowing oneself to become this way. It can also be really hard not to judge oneself or others when it is largely a controllable condition. That is not to say that it isn't hard to control, but it can be done. That gives me hope. However, even the education system inadvertently promotes a fat stigma by over simplifying the concept of energy balance. You see in school I was taught that weight-loss or weight-gain is simply a product of energy balance, or rather that more food in than energy out equals weight-gain, while more energy out than food in yields weight-loss. This makes it sound like it really is simply a matter of eating less or exercising more... which feeds the stigma and judgment of self and others. Strictly speaking the concept of energy balance is even correct, but there are complexities that are often misunderstood. For instance people who eat less also expend less energy because their basal metabolic rate lowers, in this way as people try to cut back on food they only dig a deeper hole. Is it any wonder people get frustrated and confused when trying to apply something so easy, but it doesn't work. Any way I don't want this to turn into a science lesson so I will let it suffice that there are many physiological factors at play that can make a seemingly simple system, far from simple.

As for opening a dialogue, I agree with Backroads that there will be situations where a good friend can offer support ---> and support requires communication (usually verbal aka dialogue). This is not to say, "Hey you're getting out of control fat, let's go on a diet." The exact words will vary depending on the individual, and it won't be right in all situations. But why leave it until the Dr. has to bring it up and say you need a lifestyle 180 or your going to die in the next decade. The thing is that healthy habits are healthy for all of us, so perhaps your friend would be willing to go for walks with you. Perhaps you could enjoy experimenting with healthy recipes together. You may even form a community of like-minded individuals who alternate hosting healthy meals thus bringing people together in a happy social atmosphere and learning and experimenting together as equals.

There are no quick fixes or easy answers, but if you don't try to help or offer to work with them how supportive are you really?

Edited August 27, 2013 by SpiritDragon

[Bini]

I have struggled with weight issues too but on the polar side of obesity. I won't deny that my own self image issues have played a role in how I look and view others but I would never say anything hurtful. If you can't say something nice -- don't say it! Over the years I've become less harsh on myself and ultimately, I've become less harsh on others too. I realise that we're all fighting our own battles and the last thing anyone needs is a hurtful comment. Sometimes it's not comments, sometimes it's our actions towards others. I can't account for the many times that I've seen an obese person walking around and people gawk at them like they're some kind of side show act. This is so rude. I do have friends that occasionally will make uncalled for comments when we're out and about, and I'm not afraid to say: Stop it. That's cruel.

I really want to be the best example I can be for my daughter. I want her to know that no one is better than anyone else. No one is perfect. Some of us struggle more than others. And if you see that, if you can be supportive and helpful, do that. If you can't contribute anything positive -- keep it shut!