Is my husband ever going to love me again

[Katmol]

Hello I hope you all are doing good. I need some advise. I found out about 6 months ago that my husband was having an affair. We were very active in the church and both had callings. He knows the scriptures better then any preacher around. We had a good marriage. At least that is what I thought. Well after I found out about the affair he stopped seeing her and I forgave him and we started working on our marriage. I thought things were looking up but this summer he went south. In the beginning he told me he must have did what he did because he doesn't love me like he use too. Well when things went south he started telling me that again. He told me he deeply loves me and will always find me attractive but he doesn't know if he is in love with me. So I kicked him out and said he needed to figure it out. He has been out of the house now for a month and won't even call me, come see me or even text me. And now he is saying he don't even know if he loves me. He doesn't even come see his daughter and his other daughter is in college and she won't talk to him. He will text my youngest and she will text back but that is it. He doesn't go to church and he left his scriptures here. I am lost and need some advise. Should I give up and go ahead and file or should I hang. Please anyone help me.

Sincerely,

Katmol

[Backroads]

While I don't want to suggest you burn any bridges prematurely, his behavior suggests that he truly is confused about his feelings towards you and that is probably not something you want to hang around with. While I'd rather let him make the first move regarding divorce, perhaps an ultimatum is something you should give him. I think you need answers about his intentions. Have you been to counseling for yourself?

[Katmol]

No I haven't. Not really anyway. My friend is a counselor and I have talked to her and she has helped me.

[SpiritDragon]

I sure wish I could help you; reading minds isn't my strong suit. From what you present I have to wonder if you kicking him out has given him an out he was looking for. Thus he can twist the story in his own head or with his friends about how he was really making an effort and you kicked him out anyway... so now why not try out other waters. I hope for your sake this is not the case, but it was came to my mind to share.

Have you talked to your bishop about what kind of help is available to you and your children going through this with you?

[Backroads]

Keep in mind, a marriage takes two.

[Katmol]

Ya I agree with everyone but what I don't understand right now is that he has been texting me more the last week and asking me questions that he should be asking his daughters so I answer him. I wish I knew why he is really texting.

[McLainDow]

I am sorry you and your daughters are going through this. My only advice would be talk to your bishop and maybe see if husband would be willing to participate in marriage /family consoling.

[Magen_Avot]

Hello I hope you all are doing good. I need some advise. I found out about 6 months ago that my husband was having an affair. We were very active in the church and both had callings. He knows the scriptures better then any preacher around. We had a good marriage. At least that is what I thought. Well after I found out about the affair he stopped seeing her and I forgave him and we started working on our marriage. I thought things were looking up but this summer he went south. In the beginning he told me he must have did what he did because he doesn't love me like he use too. Well when things went south he started telling me that again. He told me he deeply loves me and will always find me attractive but he doesn't know if he is in love with me. So I kicked him out and said he needed to figure it out. He has been out of the house now for a month and won't even call me, come see me or even text me. And now he is saying he don't even know if he loves me. He doesn't even come see his daughter and his other daughter is in college and she won't talk to him. He will text my youngest and she will text back but that is it. He doesn't go to church and he left his scriptures here. I am lost and need some advise. Should I give up and go ahead and file or should I hang. Please anyone help me.

Sincerely,

Katmol

This is a though situation for anyone. Get counseling for yourself, try to get him in if possible. Put your trust and faith in the Lord and make Him your anchor. Pray for you, your kids and your husband. Be patient for the Lord to work things according to His will,... where ever that leads. Try to be possitive, and resist the road that embraces contempt or anger. Perhaps close friends can offer their possitive and faithful prayers to God as well.

My heart goes out to you and your family.

[Dravin]

He told me he deeply loves me and will always find me attractive but he doesn't know if he is in love with me. So I kicked him out and said he needed to figure it out. He has been out of the house now for a month and won't even call me, come see me or even text me. And now he is saying he don't even know if he loves me.

If he came to you in confidence about his issues (namely how he feels about you) and you kicked him out of the house he may have walked away with the perception that you've sent a pretty clear signal that you aren't interested in working on things together as a couple. I'm sure you know what you intended by initiating a separation, but he may be unsure of just what you intended or even sure of an intention other than you intended. I suppose the devil is in the details of the conversation. If you've not tried to contact him then that'd probably reinforce any ideas he may have had that you don't want to work on things as a couple.

He doesn't even come see his daughter and his other daughter is in college and she won't talk to him.

Is the non-college daughter living with you? If so, you kicked him out of the house, it's unsurprising that he's not stopping by. Sure, if one is completely objective we realize he could probably find some way to see her without stopping by the house or even contacting you but it's easy to see where he'd conclude you want him as far away from you as possible until he's resolved his issue (in what ever terms he thinks you mean by that).

It's entirely possible that he's taking this as his opportunity to cut loose and run (metaphorically speaking) but it's also possible that there is just a lot of miscommunication going on. Or even hurt depending on the intentions he had when he confided in you. I suggest a straight forward conversation with him asking him point blank what he's willing to do to try and repair your marriage and you telling him point blank what you are willing to do to try and repair your marriage. Once you know what both halves of the marriage are willing to do then you can decided if both of you feel it justifies trying to work things out. From there you can make plans of action, but it all starts with having information to work with regardless of the direction you go.

Note: I'm reading things going south as emotional struggles within the relationship, not him resuming his philandering. Additionally, I'm not telling you that you were wrong to kick him out of the house, or that you are right to do so. I'm pointing out that the brief description of events you give is a fertile field for misunderstandings and miscommunication.

Edited September 1, 2013 by Dravin

[Misshalfway]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You must have been so hurt when you found out he did it again! And then to find out that his feelings for you aren't what you thought....it must feel like a freight train has just barreled through your whole being!

I'm not sure of the best advise in situations like this. But one thing I do know is that you can't control him. I suppose you could second guess the decision to kick him out or try now all the "nice" ways of negotiations. I don't know that anything would have changed your husband's course. He sounds confused. And he sounds like a man who has fallen into a trap like so many before him. He is denying his responsibilities while indulging his pain and justifying his behaviors. As painful as this situation is, its not about you sweetheart, and you can't change him. So don't waste your time with beating yourself up or feeling guilt or taking his responsibility on yourself. None of that is loving and it just makes a more crazy.

So if you can't control him, what can you do? My best answer for the short term is to nurture yourself. You did just experience a monstrous trauma. So treat yourself like you would if you'd been in a car accident.

When trauma like this happens, our insides go into survival protection mode. Our anger is alerted, as is our fear. And if we aren't careful, we'll get reactive. Such is completely normal and understandable. But it tends to make things more painful for everyone. Instead of all that, see if you can slow it down. Just breath. Tune in your inner self and just see if you can hear the pain...not react to it...just hear it the same way you'd do with one of your babies. Then take care of yourself. Whether it's taking some time off or writing in a journal or talking out the pain in a therapy session, find a way to hear what you need and then give yourself that thing. Don't give your husband the responsibility to do this right now. He's not available. So don't rely on that. It's time to lean on the Godhead, Heavenly Mother, your angels and your earthly supports. This situation will demand your patience and increased tolerance and strength. But right now it might be too soon to work on that. Right now just recover a bit so you can ground yourself and then be able to make the decisions that are in your best interest.

Blessings and soothing and support to you.

[NightSG]

I'm going to have to agree with Dravin; have you made yourself available to sit down and talk about it, and made it clear to him that you're willing to talk? If the last thing you told him was "go away," it's not surprising that he isn't coming around to try and patch things up.

[Katmol]

Thank you everyone for your suggestions. Miss halfway. I hope u don't mind me calling u that. What makes this soo hard is I work in the same place as him and who he had the affair with so when I just want to get away and breath I really can't I come home to no husband then I have to deal with it at work. They work in seperate building then me but it is still hard. I do pray and I have given it up to The Lord but it is still hard. Also to the other comment. He didn't freely tell me I had to get it out of him because he was acting strange again. He comes by the house to get our mower to mow people's yards in our neighborhood but he can't come in and say hi to his daughter. When he has came over to do it in the past I have even told him he could come in and get a drink.

I know everyone keeps telling me to go to my bishop. I can't he is not qualified for this. I hope that doesn't sound bad but I have had other bishops in the past that could help me but at this time my bishop can't help. He is an awesome brothern but he can't help me.

[Katmol]

Yes I have talked to him. Twice on the phone and we texted every other night. He knows how I feel but he doesn't know how he feels. This is not the man I married he has changed. Satan has taken him over and it is hard for me to see this. But I need to stop focusing on him and just focus on me or I will drive myself crazy. Thanks again everyone for your advise. Have a blessed Sunday.