m1289 Posted September 30, 2013 Report Share Posted September 30, 2013 I didn't know who else to go to. I moved states to marry him so I have no support group here. Not really close with anyone in the ward. Feeling hurt. We are both 23, we started dating last november and got married in July. I know he had struggled with porn/mb before we ever met but hadn't ever done it while we were dating/engaged. But he has been seriously depressed to the point where I'd say at least 5 days out of every week he doesn't want to talk, just sits on the couch, and says he's bored but doesn't want to do anything I suggest. He says all he needs is me to be patient or comforting but no matter how patient or comforting I am nothing ever gets resolved. Then a couple weeks ago he admitted to me he had mb twice. Okay, I shook it off. He was honest with me and he was dealing with some heavy emotional stuff (His best friend was murdered while he was on his mission and it was his best friends would have been birthday). But this morning I get up and he is at work, open the computer and see he has been looking at pornography. I was shocked. I feel so hurt. The problem with it is that when he mb or looks at porn I feel guilty because I feel like I'm not doing enough for him. But I was sexually abused by my father when I was a teenager and raped my first semester at college and I have a lot of issues in regards to sexual intimacy. He knows this, he has been so supportive up until recently. I know that we don't have sex as often as everyone says married couples do, but it's always at least twice a week. It's not like he's going weeks without sex and even then... I told him I had been like this in previous relationships (I lived with an ex for 2 years... didn't grow up in the church, joined 2 years ago). He knew what to expect and yet now that its happening hes always cranky and depressed. His moods are already enough for me to handle... I feel as though if I'm ever struggling and need comfort he's not there because he's just so annoyed with something going on in his head. I have no idea what to do or where to start or how to bring it up with him. I know if he does it again then its going to take a lot of time to get him out of his depression because he struggles so much with guilt. He literally feels guilty about EVERYTHING he shouldn't feel guilty about, and yet doesn't feel guilty when it's something he should. It's so frustrating. The hardest part is that none of this came out until AFTER we got married. Like, when we were on our honeymoon even. I know this was all kind of disorganized but I am just feeling so flustered and didn't know where else to go. Any help or advice at all would be so greatly appreciated. Thanks so much everyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just_A_Guy Posted September 30, 2013 Report Share Posted September 30, 2013 M1289, I'm terribly sorry to hear that.I won't tell you how to feel, or what your reaction should be, other than that I've been there and that his apparent addiction to porn use/masturbation is a result of poor coping/stress management on his part, not sexual inadequacy on your part. He needs to see his bishop, and also get into the Church's addiction recovery program ASAP.Best of luck to you-- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Praetorian_Brow Posted September 30, 2013 Report Share Posted September 30, 2013 I would suggest that you have a good perspective on it, as you understand he is coping with emotional stress. Knowing that doesn't make both of your suffering less or justify his actions, but I think you two can help each other. He does need help and support and the Addiction Recovery Program can help that, but I will suggest that the root causes need to be examined and you have mentioned a few. I can understand how both of you feel, as I have been in his boots and have been on the receiving end of peoples advice. I will say that I resented that a woman who was in my life, judged me for my porn use, when I had been upfront with it from day one. It was extremely difficult not to get angry at being nagged, or become withdrawn, especially when the woman who was in my life had done and was doing something far more serious than how I viewed my problem. Ironically, I was regarded as the the threat because of my honesty, while she hid her issues. I am not comparing situations at all, but simply stating that perceptions can dictate terms regardless of honesty. Positive reinforcement will help far more than condemnation will as I understand his guilt, for he has condemned himself many times. There is hope for both of you and you are both in this together, even if it is his responsibility to accept help. I am glad we responded before the divorce camp got here, as most seem to just cut and run. You two can become a stronger couple even if its a rocky start. You are wise to seek counsel and I know its hard for you, but I have also been informed by other people who wished me well that speaking of addiction is best when only in the company of people who understand. If you are in Utah, I believe there is a support group for wives with husbands who struggle with pornography. Best wishes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applepansy Posted October 1, 2013 Report Share Posted October 1, 2013 The porn is not about you. Do not blame yourself. It is selfish on his part and its hurtful for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lakumi Posted October 1, 2013 Report Share Posted October 1, 2013 depression does different things to different people and the mind, more often then not, will think differently and things become skewed. When I'm depressed I get irrational and things that don't really phase me, start to enrage me. To me, it sounds like he should go on anti depressants Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 1, 2013 Report Share Posted October 1, 2013 Sorry to hear of your struggles. My only advice: Try not to look at this as You versus Him. Look at this as The Marriage versus The Thing That's Ailing Him. Then you can get in his corner and help him fight whatever it is that's ailing him. Because, when it comes to depression/addiction they are hurting just as much as you, so you can band together to fight it together as partners. By the way, thinking that it's your fault is not a good idea - that's going into the You versus Him type of thinking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mdfxdb Posted October 1, 2013 Report Share Posted October 1, 2013 You've dated for 8-9 months, been married for 3..... You say none of these actions were present before dating, but I can tell you those behaviors don't just happen by accident. He may have not been as completely forthright with you as he should have been when you were dating. He needs to confront those problems. I think a conversation with your bishop may be in order. I would hesitate to say he needs addiction recovery programs....from what I have read in the prior posts it is too soon to say if he is an addict or not. On a deep level he wants to make this better because he confessed it to you, and he got caught with porn on his computer. If he were serious about his "porn" problem he might have made it a little bit more difficult to get caught. This is of course just a guess on my part. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McLainDow Posted October 1, 2013 Report Share Posted October 1, 2013 I am sorry you have to deal with this and respect you for wanting to work this out with your husband. Hope it all works out well Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LuciLou Posted October 7, 2013 Report Share Posted October 7, 2013 M1289, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I went through a very similar experience in my first marriage. The difference with mine was that my ex-husband never acknowledged it, even 4 years into our marriage. He never acknowledge it and of course didn't want help. Whatever you do, don't listen to the thoughts that tell you this is happening because of you. One helpful thing my ex-husband said to me in regards to the porn after our divorce was how he needed me to know that it never had anything to do with me. Remember that. This is your husband's struggle, and it is such a powerful addiction because it is ALWAYS available to him. It is instantly reinforcing. When you talk about it, does he become defensive? What is your approach? Try to go about it in an understanding way and tell him how you feel about your marriage. Pour your heart out to him and try to meet him in the middle. If he knows you are maybe willing to work on some of your emotional trauma from your past sexual abuse, maybe he will be willing to work on his own issues. It would be great to seek out a marriage counselor who specializes in traumatic events or in sexual issues. You could meet separately with him/her and then together. With the right help, things can be helped, but *he* has to want it in order for it to happen. This unfortunately is something that cannot be forced. He has to be ready. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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