Just got engaged-worried about family's reaction

[remoteriley]

I'm a long time lurker of the site and just now decided to create an account and make a post. My boyfriend and I are are both LDS and are both in our mid-twenties and we just got engaged. I can't help but feel incredibly nervous. I love him dearly, we've gone through many challenges as a couple together (including school, job changes, a car accident, etc). We've dated for several months and in my mind, I honestly am in love with him.

I know everyone says "I felt so happy!" but the reason why I'm nervous is, I'm a convert. My entire family is not LDS nor will they be happy for me to marry a LDS man. I'm nervous because my family is going to be very unhappy for me and they won't understand why they can't be AT the wedding. My parents refuse to have a ring ceremony, saying it is a mockery to them. My parents have always made their disdain for the Church, despite me being a member for 7 yrs now.

How can I push my feelings about my family aside and actually be happy about my engagement? I feel as though I will have to "give up" my current family so that I may be able to start my own family.

[Dravin]

How can I push my feelings about my family aside and actually be happy about my engagement?

Pray for peace. I doubt all the tinges of sadness will go away, this is your family after all, but a conviction of your course via spiritual confirmation can go a long way to bringing peace. Fair warning, I have not been in your situation, so my perspective is as an outsider looking in on such situations.

I feel as though I will have to "give up" my current family so that I may be able to start my own family.

From the way you portray it, it is your family that is giving up on you. Even if you took the most extreme route of appeasement (short of not getting married) concerning the issue and had a civil ceremony and were sealed a year later it still sounds like disdain would remain. Fundamentally you can only try to include them as much as you are able, vagueness intentional here, it is up to them whether they try to be as included as possible or make ultimatums.

[Windseeker]

Are you giving them up or are they giving you up?

If they are Christian at all then they probably have heard Genesis 2:24 [Gen. 2:24] where we are taught, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”

Three Principles of Marriage - Ensign Apr. 2005 - ensign

In a single verse, we find sound marital counsel that is just as applicable today as it was when Adam and Eve received it. This verse focuses on three important interrelated principles of marriage: leaving, cleaving, and becoming one.

The first step in obtaining the heavenly form of marriage is for a man to “leave his father and his mother.” President Spencer W. Kimball (1895–1985) taught that “couples do well to immediately find their own home, separate and apart from that of the in-laws on either side.” While this step can be difficult for some new couples to take, allowing married children to leave is also difficult for some parents. President Kimball counseled, “Parents who hold, direct, and dictate to their married children and draw them away from their spouses are likely to regret the possible tragedy.”

Some great advice for newlyweds.

For Newlyweds and Their Parents - Ensign Jan. 2006 - ensign

When children marry, a fundamental shift should occur in their relationship with their parents.

You've already made the tough decision to join the Church despite your parents feelings. How did you do that? It probably wasn't easy. I think if you know something is right you will find the strength to follow through.

At some point, for the good of your marriage, you will need to cast off the mooring lines and let the matrimonial ship set sail.

[NeuroTypical]

I'm reminded of a letter to the editor, published in the Salt Lake Tribune a few years back:

Before we were married 58 years ago, my husband and I decided not to be active members of the LDS Church. We believed, and still do, that living an honorable and productive life is not dependent on belonging to any organized denomination.

Our six children were not raised in any church but were welcome to ask their own questions and make up their own minds about any religious affiliation, or none. Three of them eventually joined the LDS Church; the other three went in different directions. They were all old enough then to make their own choices. They all seem equally happy and fulfilled in their decisions.

The three "Mormon" kids were all married in temple ceremonies and we were not in attendance. Do we regret that we were not able to be there? Well, yes and no. It would have been nice to be there, but they made their choices and we made ours. The main thing is that they are well and truly wed to wonderful people, happy and secure in their lives and relationships with each other, and us.

So stop whining about not being able to attend those ceremonies. If it matters that much, do what you have to do to be included.

And don't make your kids feel guilty about you sitting in the “heathen's anteroom.” Be glad for them that they have a solid foundation and someone to love and support them.

Life is hard enough without having to deal with your parents' hurt feelings.

Elaine Wessman

Kearns

My nonlds father was in the same situation as your parents. Here are the thoughts I had on the matter, responding to other parents with hurt feelings:

Some things I did on my wedding day that were shared with anyone we chose to invite:

* Wedding breakfast, complete with a groom-to-be speech honoring my father and thanking him for all he had done for me.

* 4 hour reception with all the shaking hands, smiling, picture taking, garter tossing, cake eating, and car decorating you'd expect at such an event.

Some things I did on my wedding day that were shared only with certain people:

* Getting sealed in the temple (open only to invited temple recommend holders)

* Family pictures on the temple grounds (location open to public, event open only to select family members)

Some things I did on my wedding day that involved totally and completely excluding absolutely every person I knew on the entire face of the planet except for my spouse:

* Limo ride from temple to reception

* Everything that occurred after driving off in the car with all the "just married" crap hung on it.

So, out of the 24 hours in the day, I'd say 6 was spent sleeping, 2 driving from place to place, 2 wedding breakfast, 2 inside the temple, 2 pictures on temple grounds, 4 reception, and 6 nobody's dang business. (To be honest, 1 of those last hours involved a car wash and a frustrated failed attempt to get toothpaste off the side of my car, but don't tell anyone.)

To summarize, only 8.3% of the best day of my life was spent inside the temple, where my Dad couldn't be. I am very grateful to him for his gracious willingness to involve himself in the 33.33% of the day we wanted him for. I'm very glad he didn't spend years prior to my even chosing a mate griping about losing two hours in an attempt to have me not get married in the temple. Because if he had, I don't know what I would have done. It's possible that the woman that eventually did say yes to me would have instead lost interest due to my negative family complications, and then I would have missed out on 7 of the most wonderful years of my life, not to mention two of the cutest kids ever.

It wasn't until after his death, (when I inherited his anti-mormon library that I knew nothing about), that I realized exactly how much he loved me and trusted me.

I humbly suggest that there's plenty of the "most joyous events of my life" that I was able to share with my father on that day. I owe him big for not screwing it up for me, because he probably could have by having the same problem with it that you are.

Edited October 23, 2013 by Loudmouth_Mormon

[Guest]

Elope to the temple. I'm only kidding a little bit.

[Maureen]

...My entire family is not LDS nor will they be happy for me to marry a LDS man....

Has your family met your fiance, like while you were dating? Instead of seeing him as an LDS man, maybe if they get to know him better they will see him as a wonderful future son-in-law.

M.

Edited October 23, 2013 by Maureen

[Leah]

I'm a long time lurker of the site and just now decided to create an account and make a post. My boyfriend and I are are both LDS and are both in our mid-twenties and we just got engaged. I can't help but feel incredibly nervous. I love him dearly, we've gone through many challenges as a couple together (including school, job changes, a car accident, etc). We've dated for several months and in my mind, I honestly am in love with him.

I know everyone says "I felt so happy!" but the reason why I'm nervous is, I'm a convert. My entire family is not LDS nor will they be happy for me to marry a LDS man. I'm nervous because my family is going to be very unhappy for me and they won't understand why they can't be AT the wedding. My parents refuse to have a ring ceremony, saying it is a mockery to them. My parents have always made their disdain for the Church, despite me being a member for 7 yrs now.

How can I push my feelings about my family aside and actually be happy about my engagement? I feel as though I will have to "give up" my current family so that I may be able to start my own family.

How can your parents "refuse to have a ring ceremony"? They are not getting married, YOU are! You and your husband-to-be are in charge of the wedding, not them. You need to do what is right for your future and what honors your covenants.

I am a convert to the church myself, but I still have a hard time understanding why parents act like this. If - before my conversion - my daughter had joined the church and married another member, I would have been thrilled for her. I would have educated myself on the church and realized that it was a GOOD thing for her. I would have met and known that the man she was marrying was active LDS and a good person, living a moral life. What is there to be unhappy about?

True, I would not have been able to attend the sealing, but if I respected my daughter, I would have supported her in her being true to her faith, and found other ways to participate in her day.

Have you ever seen the movie "One Good Man" about a man called to be a bishop? His daughter marries a convert and there are some wonderful scenes dealing with the other family's reaction and what happened the day of the sealing.

[Guest]

Has your family met your fiance, like while you were dating? Instead of seeing him as an LDS man, maybe if they get to know him better they will see him as a wonderful future son-in-law.

M.

How can your parents "refuse to have a ring ceremony"? They are not getting married, YOU are! You and your husband-to-be are in charge of the wedding, not them. You need to do what is right for your future and what honors your covenants.

I am a convert to the church myself, but I still have a hard time understanding why parents act like this. If - before my conversion - my daughter had joined the church and married another member, I would have been thrilled for her. I would have educated myself on the church and realized that it was a GOOD thing for her. I would have met and known that the man she was marrying was active LDS and a good person, living a moral life. What is there to be unhappy about?

True, I would not have been able to attend the sealing, but if I respected my daughter, I would have supported her in her being true to her faith, and found other ways to participate in her day.

Have you ever seen the movie "One Good Man" about a man called to be a bishop? His daughter marries a convert and there are some wonderful scenes dealing with the other family's reaction and what happened the day of the sealing.

Guys, you have to understand devout Catholicism. For a devout Catholic, not getting married in the Catholic church may put your salvation in jeopardy.

Remember, Catholics don't have the 3 degrees of heaven that LDS people believe in. There's heaven and there's hell... that's it. If you're not too bad you may get a chance to get your sins purged in purgatory but that's still considered quite painful as your salvation is still in jeopardy.

It hurts Catholic parents very deeply to have their children go astray and a lot of them, like my parents, will not take part in anything that puts my soul at risk. Because yes, they love me THAT much.

[Leah]

Guys, you have to understand devout Catholicism. For a devout Catholic, not getting married in the Catholic church may put your salvation in jeopardy.

Remember, Catholics don't have the 3 degrees of heaven that LDS people believe in. There's heaven and there's hell... that's it. If you're not too bad you may get a chance to get your sins purged in purgatory but that's still considered quite painful as your salvation is still in jeopardy.

It hurts Catholic parents very deeply to have their children go astray and a lot of them, like my parents, will not take part in anything that puts my soul at risk. Because yes, they love me THAT much.

Where in the post does she state that her parents are Catholic? And devout?

[remoteriley]

My parent's aren't devout Catholics. They are Southern Baptist actually. My parents also worry because in the non-LDS world, many people spend years dating as opposed to the LDS culture where most spend a few months dating. My parents feel that I should date for several years before getting married.

Thank you to everyone who has given advice so far. I truly appreciate your words and will try to take them to heart.

[Guest]

Where in the post does she state that her parents are Catholic? And devout?

Whoa! That was a different thread! Sorry!!

[Jane_Doe]

My parent's aren't devout Catholics. They are Southern Baptist actually. My parents also worry because in the non-LDS world, many people spend years dating as opposed to the LDS culture where most spend a few months dating. My parents feel that I should date for several years before getting married.

Personally, I am not a fan of the Utah style of dating where you meet, date, and say "I do" in the course of 6 months. (Disclaimer: I mean no offense to anyone from Utah, that is simply where I've observed this trend most commonly).

However, I am also not a fan the trend where people 'date' for 6 years and then are 'engaged' for 5. Especially when they start living together 6 months into this relationship, and play-act like a married couple (possibly including children).

I personally believe in a middle ground between the two: your parent's probably have some wisdom in believing you should date someone for a while before "I do". What would they define as "a while"? (Personally I like 2 years).

[Leah]

Whoa! That was a different thread! Sorry!!

LOL. I really thought I was losing it!

[Guest]

LOL. I really thought I was losing it!

Well....

:D:D