step-daughter issues

[drham3rd]

I know this may sound trivial compared to the other issues that are discussed here but I'm perplexed about it and would appreciate any possible comments. Recently, my wife's youngest daughter (23) and her 4 yr old daughter came to live with us. This was always a possibility so it was not a surprise to me although we have only been married 5+ months. What is perplexing me is the daughter's attitude about food. She seems to be very picky about food BUT she is on SNAP and have only held down various part-time jobs and has lived with various people over the last few years. We are trying to offer both of them the opportunity to settle down and the daughter has started working. it seems strange to me for someone who has simply drifted along to be so picky about food? My wife and I are of the old school, you eat what you can afford and you always finish up meals the next day whereas this girl seems to want freshly cooked meals every evening! She actually used her food stamps to buy $20+ of stuff for a single meal she cooked for the family! I consider that to be extravagant by our standards!

I want her to feel at home and I want to make a successful home life for her and her daughter very much, just don't really know how to deal with this picky food issue???

Any suggestions?

Thanks

[Vort]

Your wife has to deal with this. If you say anything, it will end in disaster.

[Windseeker]

Hopefully your wife will have laid down some ground rules for her and her daughter, I agree that you should let your wife deal with it. If I were you I wouldn’t even complain about her to your wife. If she wants to spend her food stamps to buy nice meals then I don’t see how this should bother you.

The Savior said the poor will always be amongst us. It might be easy for you to identify why she has the problems she does, but trying to change her at this stage will only push her away.

As far as being picky, you may be able to make some changes. Maybe make smaller meals so there won’t be any left overs. If she doesn’t like your food, then let her put together her own meals.

My wife is a stepmother to my 4 kids, she’s a vegetarian and she makes them pork chops and steak all the time. When my kids make a meal, they make separate stuff. (Meatballs from spaghetti etc). Our different eating habits have never become an issue and we have meals together at least 4 times a week.

[mnn727]

The Savior said the poor will always be amongst us. It might be easy for you to identify why she has the problems she does, but trying to change her at this stage will only push her away.

This is the hardest thing for me to accept but Windseeker is absolutely correct. I pray someday I can calmly accept that, but admit it still drives me nuts when I see someone who, due to things they do, cause their own problems.

[Quin]

Think about her life for a moment:

- She has no control over her living arrangements. Not only where she lives, but the daily routine, rules, and occupants.

- She has no control over her finances. Job to job, never enough to feel secure or get her feet under her.

- She has LIMITED control over her daughter. While living with friends she'd have control, but living with Gramma DRASTICALLY changes the parent-child dynamic. Even when gramma is doing her best not to undercut her role as mother... It always happens. To greater or lesser degree.

3 of the most foundational aspects in anyone's life: Their home, their child, their money... And all 3 are outside of this young mother's control.

I it any WONDER that in this one small area she's trying to assert herself?

It's actually a good thing, IMHO.

- In asserting herself in the food choices she is (buying expensive splurgey food -health food or not) she's not going the OTHER way (anorexia/bulemia).

- She's choosing to assert herself in food INSTEAD of 1001 independence issues which can become hugely expensive or acrimonious.

- It shows that she both has the need and ability to assert herself, and the desire to get control over the rest of her life. (You're unlikely to have her there with you forever, nor to wake up,one morning and find her gone, but your granddaughter still left in your care).

She's found an inexpensive and undamaging way to exert herself for herself & her child's life that affects others in the least degree possible.

I really hope that -having given up every other area of control in her life- you and her mother doNOT try to force her to give up the one area she's still able to be normal/healthy in.

Q

[drham3rd]

Quin,

Thanks for the insight! I had not thought about this from that angle! You are correct, she is trying to exert herself in one area she can control! hmmm....thank you for your perspective!

[Praetorian_Brow]

Sounds exactly like my younger sisters situation, although my mother is single and being used as slave labour child care. My younger sisters idea of finances is credit cards and cooking is for people who have more time.

I grew up in a family were you ate what you were given or you eat nothing at all, so I can understand why its annoying to see other people squander food. To this day, I feel extremely guilty about not finishing dishes at restaurants and at home, even if I am rushed for time, as I always finish last. I have also observed youngest siblings tend to be less concerned with details as they generally come from a family environment where there was plenty, as most of their older siblings had flew the nest.

As already suggested, this is a delicate matter, best to be handled by your wife. Perhaps mention it to your wife and seek her advice first. Merging families can be a delicate situation.

[yjacket]

I'm about to get myself in trouble here so be forewarned:

I want her to feel at home and I want to make a successful home life for her and her daughter very much, just don't really know how to deal with this picky food issue???

I'm curious as to why you are catering to her needs? Family is not nor should be a doormat to access anything one wants. She is a guest in your home.

Someone else commented that she has no control; IMO that is complete bunk. She might think she has no control or she has lost control, but there is plenty that she can control in her life. In fact, I would daresay that what has doomed her to this point is a lack of self-control and this, again IMO is one instance of a lack of self-control.

23 with a 4 year-old, either she got married really early (18-19) or she lacked the self-control to not get pregnant. Drifting along means that she has lacked the self-control in her life to take charge of her situation, to own up to her mistakes and to make her life better. Taking charge would be going to school to get a better job, until then working jobs and having friends, family, day care take care of her child while she is trying to improve her situation.

Having a successful home life at your house and at your expense will not enable her to have a successful life.

If it were me, I'd have some very strict ground rules. Something like, you can stay here under the following conditions, going to school to obtain an education for a better job, working a job to pay for that education and pay for the expenses of the house. Living at home rent-free and bill-free doesn't cut it. She needs to feel that she has something vested in it.

She is having a delayed childhold, the goal of a parent is to emanicipate their children from them. Codling or allowing them to have no responsibility will not do that.

Unfortunately, in our culture today we are seeing more and more adults with delayed emanicipation from their parents.

But again that is JMO and I'm a very old-school type parent, one might call me a meany (but I like it that way).

[dahlia]

I've read a couple of news stories that reviewed the difference between young people on food stamps and others. Granted, the young people they interviewed were hipsters and college grads, but anyway...

The young people bought what they liked to eat - imported cheeses, nice cuts of meat, and organic veg and if people don't like it, then they should work to change the program. You're lucky the daughter wants to share her stamps at all; lots of people won't - plus, aren't the stamps for her and the child, not to feed your whole family??? Look, I realize it's her way of helping out, but legally, the stamps are for her to get what she wants to eat; if it's different from the way you grew up, well, them's the breaks.

I've been on them when my husband was in school. If I had to go on them again, I'm certainly not going to buy crap because it's cheap, I'm going to buy what I like and what's healthful. If someone wants to complain, then, like i said, let them change the program so people can only buy rice and hamburger.

Also, when is it wrong to want fresh food every night? I'm all for left overs, whether for lunch or dinner the next day, but freshly cooked food every night (especially when I haven't had to cook it, hint hint) sounds wonderful.