Complicated Relationship gone friendship... ish

[shewolf1994]

Ok I had an account on here before but now i dont remember my username so I created a new one. Haha!

Anyway thats not what I wanted to tell you guys about.

I have recently ended a relationship with this guy I was dating for about a year and I have been trying to ignore him completely like the bishop said to but I don't think thats a great idea since he doesn't really have people he can talk to. I mean he has family but he doesn't like talking with them because they are very negative and are always criticizing the things he chooses to do.

Ive been pretty comfortable with my life back in single mode but at the same time I find myself wanting him back but I think that its only because I miss being in a relationship with someone in general. It doesn't really help that he still wants to be friends. I do too but it makes it really complicated and awkward when he does come over and talk.

I've been told I'm too nice and I can't think of a way that wouldn't hurt his feelings too badly.

Plus, a few of the reasons that I didn't want to date him anymore are:

1- I couldn't handle the emotional baggage he had with his PTSD, TBI, the anger, depression, saying he was suicidal both times before I tried to break up with him (with him knowing how my father died that was hurtful in itself); stuff like that (I understand that he has it but thats completely different from being able to deal with it.

2- Every other day I would come home angry and saddened because he would take his problems out on me by being angry at my suggestions of how or why a person did what they did on the road or at work etc; trying to give the 'wrong doer' the benefit of the doubt.

3- We weren't on the same level spiritually. Plus I had asked heavenly father in prayer after pondering about the relationship with him if he was someone I was going to be happy with and I felt that I wasn't going to be as happy with him as I could be with someone else. So I went through with breaking up with him.

4- (this may sound ridiculous but its a deal breaker for me) He was allergic to cats and I had grown up with two myself and had always planned on having two in my own family. And, I'm not much of a dog person. I don't have anything against dogs but I'm really a cat person.

Does this all make me a bad person? I know that's a really stupid question to ask but I really want to know! Please ask if you feel that you don't have enough information to give your advice!

Much appreciated!

~hugs~

Edited November 27, 2013 by shewolf1994
accidently pressed enter

[Windseeker]

Choosing a future companion is the one and perhaps only time where it's really essential that you be as selfish as possible. You need to be selfish for your future children, yourself, and even your extended family. This guy simply does not meet your standards, move on. His problems, his life is not your responsibility.

All of us settle to a degree when we finally decide on our future spouse, but the things you mentioned would most likely compromise you and your future families’ happiness.

I'd follow your Bishops advice and cut it off completely.

[shewolf1994]

Thanks Windseeker. I knew that I'd get a similar answer here but I just wanted an outside opinion on the matter :) Thank you!

[classylady]

I always had a hard time breaking up with boyfriends. I never wanted to hurt their feelings. But, sometimes, it just has to be done. If you know the guy is not marriage material for you, then prolonging it isn't doing him any favors, or you. You need to be honest and tell him.

[Guest]

Is it the same relationship you posted about here http://www.lds.net/forums/marriage-relationship-advice/50599-complicated-relationship-advice.html, under your other account?

[Vort]

No, it does not make you a "bad" person, and there is nothing "stupid" about the question.

My philosophy is similar to Windseeker's. Terms like "racist" and "sexist" and "classist" are useless when talking about marriage. Worse than useless, they may actually provide impetus to marry someone you should not marry. If you don't like white folks (or black folks, or purple folks, or people with back hair), do yourself and them a huge favor and don't marry them. Don't even date them. If you have a certain idea how you want your spouse to act and s/he chafes at your "traditional" (or "nontraditional") viewpoint, move on. Doesn't matter if s/he's right or if you're right, or if you're both wrong. Dislike fat folks? Don't marry someone who's fat. See what the general trend here is?

My daughter is a blonde. My philosophy is that if you don't like blondes, leave my daughter completely alone, dating-wise. Don't ask her out or feign interest or anything. Don't do her any favors. The man she marries had better appreciate her beautiful blond hair, and if he doesn't, she should stay away from him, for both their sakes.

Now, is it painfully immature for someone to refuse to consider another person for marriage because of their skin color, or hair color, or body shape, or body odor, or the condition of their teeth, or their educational background, or their nationality, or their relative age? Well...yes, it is. But we are all immature compared with God. We cannot overcome that immediately, and in the meantime, we have important decisions to make. So however "stupid" your personal prejudices may seem, pay close attention to them when dating.

You may change your mind and decide that <fill-in-the-blank> (fat, or skinny, or dark, or blonde, or whatever) folks aren't bad after all, and maybe you're even attracted to someone like that. Great! Only make sure you're being genuine and aren't going to change your mind after marriage and insist that they change to match your preference.

And if/when the time comes that your object of interest drops you for some trivial reason, try not to take it too personally. S/He is struggling with immaturity, too, and has to find his/her path through life.

[Praetorian_Brow]

It always amazes me how much people as well as myself, focus on the negatives of the other person from their perspective, which more often than not is out of context and hearsay. What interests me is how often people are rarely honest about their own issues or baggage when seeking relationship advice, as everyone has them.

Do not prolong his agony, simply because you see him as a useful tool to overcome your own loneliness. I have also noticed that social standing is a main driver for some people, as being with someone has more status than being without someone. Not surprising, considering marriage is the highest social tier within our culture.

Know what you want, but keep in mind that knowing what you want does not necessarily make you in the right. My experience, as noted by those among us, has embittered me and left me with the knowledge that most often, the fairer sex, is anything but.

Home is where the heart is.

[Quin]

1) Im super confused as to why your bishop is continuing to meddle in your romantic life. Reading your post last year, it seems that worked out well <sarcasm here>... He told you two to stay away from each other (why???) and you two became joined at the hip. Now he's saying to stay away again? Does he mean it or is he trying to rekindle the joined-at-hip reaction? What is his dog in this fight? Is he related to one of you? Is ex-boyfriend a 45yo or something?

2) You (and ALL of us) are free to break up with anyone, for any reason, at any time. PERIOD.

3) You are not a bad person for breaking up with someone.

4) Just because something causes pain, does not mean that it's the wrong thing to do. Falling down hurts, but kids have to learn to walk. Shots hurt, but we need them to not get sick. Break ups hurt, but we need them to find the person we are going to partner with (or we'd all be married to the first person we ever went out with, regardless of what a bad fit they are).

5) You can only abandon kids & pets.

Everyone else CAN take care of themselves.

((I've had otherwise rational adults claim "abandonment" on multiple occasions, and a friend who had gone through Codependency counseling hooked me up with the preceding phrase ... Kids & pets. Those are the only people who you can truly abandon. Everyone else makes their own choices. Ive learned that really, when most people cry "abandonment" theyre really complaining about my not doing what they want me to do/ trying to manipulate & guilt me into doing something against my will. I will NOT ride in a car with a drunk driver, and I am NOT abandoning you by getting out and calling a cab. I will NOT stay in a relationship I cannot see (or do not want) to continue. I am NOT abandoning you by being honest and allowing both of us the opportunity to find someone else instead of stringing you along.))

This doesn't mean that we don't have obligations to people, or should not be decent, true, supportive. Etc. It DOES mean that we have an obligation to ourselves as much if not greater to each and every single other person out there. Having healthy boundaries, or choosing to move on is NOT abandoning someone.

7) I have learned that if someone threatens me with their death if I don't do what they say... To treat that like every other hostage situation: Call the police. They will be taken by ambulance to hospital, and put in protective care. I am not a professional hostage negotiator, nor psychiatrist. Which is what that person needs. Not a girlfriend. The moment someone threatens their life, even if (especially if) I love them... The romantic relationship is OVER.

Q

[person122]

If that was your post from a year ago, don't date him again. Just your age differences alone are a problem. Now if you were 26-28 and he was 30 something that would be different. There are a lot of fish in the sea. It is worth it to wait for the good one. You are more than worth it.