Just A Little Bit Of Humor

[Dr T]

* It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

I hate it when that happens!

Where've you been Nilla?

[Vanilla]

Dr. T - Did you ever see the Saturday Night Live "I hate when that happens" spoofs?

I've been around, reading more than writing due to time constraints.

[Dr T]

Yes. I've seen one of them before. It's been a long time though. I'm glad you've been around Nilla.

[Guest MrsS]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought....Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.... "

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

[Guest Yediyd]

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[orrinjelo]

Those mean sisters....I mean....that horrid awful man...I mean........

Who's the good guy here?

[Guest Yediyd]

The guy who pounded in the signs for the sisters.

[Guest MrsS]

The guy who pounded in the signs for the sisters.

Bet he was laughing the entire time!

[Alaskagain]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know,

walked barefoot most of the time,

which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail

and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a

super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[Guest Yediyd]

Now THAT'S funny!!! Bwaahahahaha!!!!

[orrinjelo]

HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB?

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with

an open window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the

door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the

situation.

If they are counting the bricks: Put them in the Accounts Department.

If they are recounting them: Put them in Auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks: Put them in

Engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order: Put them in

Planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other: Put them in Operations.

If they are sleeping: Put them in Security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces: Put them in Information

Technology.

If they are sitting idle: Put them in Human Resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has

been moved: Put them in Sales.

If they have already left for the day: Put them in Marketing.

If they are staring out of the window: Put them on Strategic Planning.

And then last but not least! If they are talking to each other and not a

single brick has been moved: Congratulate them and put them in Top

Management.

[Guest MrsS]

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February & March for their annual service charges on her credit card, & added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00; now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank here's the exchange:

***************************************************************

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees & charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

(I really liked this part!!!!)

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)

(Supervisor gets on the phone):

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed, so the late fees and charges still apply." (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member: "Do you mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammering) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew."

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given) After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I really don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees & charges do still apply."

(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "Yes, that will help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?

[Guest Yediyd]

I might actually find that amusing, MrsS if I hadn't been round and round with idiots like this before!! Try to cancel a credit card or close an account with a phone company....Ughhhh!!!!

[Guest MrsS]

I might actually find that amusing, MrsS if I hadn't been round and round with idiots like this before!! Try to cancel a credit card or close an account with a phone company....Ughhhh!!!!

I know, I've been there before too- with MCI, only I never "ordered it" yet they charged me for a call I alledgedly made. Then they contacted my phone company and disconnected my long distant server and put themselves in as my server.

Three years later I finally won my battle against them. I had joined a class action suit. The $75.00 I got, I donated to a fund raiser for a young family who had just got burned out of their home in my town.

My sister had a battle with Sprint when she cancelled my older sisters cell phone after my older sister passed away. That took her 4 months. She had to get an attorney - and Sprint not only cancelled the account, they had to pay all legal fees and pay her punitive damages.

[Guest Yediyd]

yep, and don't even get me started on what I went through with Dell after buying this computer. People...DON'T BUY A DELL...speaking from expearience.

[Guest MrsS]

yep, and don't even get me started on what I went through with Dell after buying this computer. People...DON'T BUY A DELL...speaking from expearience.

Ahem, Dell is good. Husband built his through Dell. Don't like their printers though. Prefer Lexmark.

>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<

Cat's New Year's Resolutions

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has

finished watching The X-Files.

My friends and I will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" on the roof at night while my humans are trying to sleep.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and

scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.

Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have been for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in my window.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of

these days, it will really come true.

If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.

I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is

forgiven and can now pet me.

I just love cats - I love their special attitudes. When I grow up I want to have Cat Attitude!

[Guest Yediyd]

MrsS, I'm not talking about the quality of my laptop, I'm talking about the lies and false advertising and hidden cost I was saddled with.

your cat resolutions were funny!!

[Dr T]

Those are great MrsS. I'm glad I don't have to worry about them. :)

[Guest Yediyd]

LOL!!!!! I love you. Dr. T!!!!!!!

[Dr T]

[miztrniceguy]

Those are great MrsS. I'm glad I don't have to worry about them. :)

did something happen to your cat?

[Guest Yediyd]

<div class='quotemain'>

Those are great MrsS. I'm glad I don't have to worry about them. :)

did something happen to your cat? Nah, his cat is on his lap right now.

He just din't learn much at cat rehab.

[Dr T]

Thank you for you misguided concern Miztrniceguy. I don't have a cat.

[Guest Yediyd]

Yeah, and the cat that he dosn't have answers to: "Sassy"

When she feels like it.....

[pushka]

LOL, all that banter between you and Dr. T. has me chuckling every time, Yediyd!! Keep it up folks!!

Mrs.S. those cat resolutions were really, really funny...!! :)