Guest Yediyd Posted June 7, 2007 Report Share Posted June 7, 2007 Husband and wife in bed at 3 in the morning...the phone rings...wife picks up the phone, listens for a few seconds, then shouts, "How the heck am I suppose to know...we are 300 miles inland!" and slambs down the phone. Husband rolls over and says, "What was that all about?" She responds,"Oh I don't know...some dumb broad just called to see if the coast was clear!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canuck Mormon Posted June 7, 2007 Report Share Posted June 7, 2007 Husband and wife in bed at 3 in the morning...the phone rings...wife picks up the phone, listens for a few seconds, then shouts, "How the heck am I suppose to know...we are 300 miles inland!" and slambs down the phone. Husband rolls over and says, "What was that all about?" She responds,"Oh I don't know...some dumb broad just called to see if the coast was clear!" Remind me to never let my wife answer the phone late at night!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Yediyd Posted June 7, 2007 Report Share Posted June 7, 2007 Remind me to never let my wife answer the phone late at night!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted June 7, 2007 Report Share Posted June 7, 2007 A blond gets a new cell phone from her husband. The next day she goes to Wal-mart and her phone rings, so she answers it. It was her husband. He says, "How's the new cell phone?" She replied, "Great...but how did you know I was at Wal-mart?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Yediyd Posted June 7, 2007 Report Share Posted June 7, 2007 A blond gets a new cell phone from her husband. The next day she goes to Wal-mart and her phone rings, so she answers it. It was her husband. He says, "How's the new cell phone?" She replied, "Great...but how did you know I was at Wal-mart?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted June 7, 2007 Report Share Posted June 7, 2007 A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?” To which she replied, “There certainly is!” My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Yediyd Posted June 7, 2007 Report Share Posted June 7, 2007 Blonde and brunette go for a hike in the woods...blonde has to have a BM...she says,"what am I going to do? The last time I wiped with a leaf...I had poison ivy for weeks!" The brunette says, "Use a doller." So. the blonde goes around the tree...comes back 15 min. later...BM all over herself. Brunette asked, "What happened to you?" Blonde responds, "Have YOU ever tried to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickle?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted June 7, 2007 Report Share Posted June 7, 2007 Blonde and brunette go for a hike in the woods...blonde has to have a BM...she says,"what am I going to do? The last time I wiped with a leaf...I had poison ivy for weeks!" The brunette says, "Use a doller." So. the blonde goes around the tree...comes back 15 min. later...BM all over herself. Brunette asked, "What happened to you?" Blonde responds, "Have YOU ever tried to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickle?"EWWWWWWW but funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr T Posted June 8, 2007 Report Share Posted June 8, 2007 Hahahaha === Yediyd, At least it totaled $1.00 in change. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Yediyd Posted June 8, 2007 Report Share Posted June 8, 2007 Hahahaha ===Yediyd,At least it totaled $1.00 in change. Good point, maybe one of her parrents was not a natural blonde? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr T Posted June 8, 2007 Report Share Posted June 8, 2007 You're fun Yediyd Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orrinjelo Posted June 8, 2007 Report Share Posted June 8, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ninjahobbit8 Posted June 8, 2007 Report Share Posted June 8, 2007 that's awesome!!! i'd make some of the bread into oars and somehow row away if all possible...or there's seaturtles....worked for Jack Sparrow and the dog with the keys... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orrinjelo Posted June 8, 2007 Report Share Posted June 8, 2007 Another one... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest MrsS Posted June 15, 2007 Report Share Posted June 15, 2007 New SupermarketThe new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keepthe produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and the scent of fresh hay fills the air.When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.I don't buy toilet paper there any more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest MrsS Posted June 15, 2007 Report Share Posted June 15, 2007 Dysfunctional Hallmark Cards1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...(Inside card) - I've changed my mind. 2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you. 3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am...(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me. 4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.5. Someday I hope to marry...(Inside card) - Someone other than you.6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.8. We've been friends for a very long time...(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?9. I'm so miserable without you...(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.12. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!(! Available ONLY in Kentucky, Tennessee, West Virginia, Alabama, and Arkansas)14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...(Inside card) - What was I thinking?15. Congratulations on your wedding day!...Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sixpacktr Posted June 15, 2007 Report Share Posted June 15, 2007 For you fathers with sons out there:A young man comes home and says "Dad, just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car."Father replies, :"O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll see."Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?"Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr T Posted June 15, 2007 Report Share Posted June 15, 2007 Those cards are funny MrsS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Yediyd Posted June 15, 2007 Report Share Posted June 15, 2007 For you fathers with sons out there:A young man comes home and says "Dad, just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car."Father replies, :"O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll see."Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?"Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went."LOL!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pushka Posted June 16, 2007 Report Share Posted June 16, 2007 Fantastic!! Thanks for those Mrs S and Sixpacktr!! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fiannan Posted June 16, 2007 Report Share Posted June 16, 2007 How do you get an American into an elevator? Greese his/her hips and throw in a box of donuts! Elevator revised standards: Maximum occupancy warning: 8 Japanese or... 5 Scandinavians 3 Brits 2 Americans Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orrinjelo Posted June 17, 2007 Report Share Posted June 17, 2007 o_O Are you calling me fat? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orrinjelo Posted June 17, 2007 Report Share Posted June 17, 2007 Sorry about double posting, but I want to show you a thread I started on another forum. I took the Hallmark card idea and made it a game. See how it turned out (some are really good!)http://www.uruobsession.com/forum/index.ph...mp;#entry516719 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Yediyd Posted June 17, 2007 Report Share Posted June 17, 2007 Sorry about double posting, but I want to show you a thread I started on another forum. I took the Hallmark card idea and made it a game. See how it turned out (some are really good!)http://www.uruobsession.com/forum/index.ph...mp;#entry516719Thank you for the smile! SOme of those were really funny! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vanilla Posted June 19, 2007 Report Share Posted June 19, 2007 Analogies & Metaphors Found In High School Essays * Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. * His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like socks in a dryer without Cling-Free. * He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. * She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. * She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. * Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. * He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. * The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. * From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00PM instead of 7:30. * Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. * The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. * Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. * John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. * He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River. * Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. * The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. * The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. * He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. * The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. * He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. * She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. * It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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