Death

[Aphrodite]

I had a conversation with my husband the other day that has really got me thinking.

My father in law is terminally ill with a long term disease that i cant remember the name of. Its a bit like M.S, basically his organs are shutting down one by one, he is on home o2 and cant walk and has nurses at home, all that kind of stuff. He has been like this for ten years and gets worse every year. I dont know how long he's got left, maybe a couple of years, maybe more maybe less. Its hard to judge. However, there are some complicating factors to this situation. My father in law is a bully. He treats his wife really badly, is never grateful for all she does (she's his carer and does everything). He is not interested in my husband or his life and will periodically call him in to his bedroom to have a go at him about some random thing that happened weeks ago or just because he feels like it. We're talkin effing and blinding and all that kind of stuff.

My husband has only recently felt able to fully tell me that when he and his eldest sister were younger, his Dad used to beat them. He still bears the emotional scars today and so does his sister, big time. He broke a door as a 6 year old child, and his Dad locked him in a room and beat the crap out of him, hitting him around the head and kicking him. Disgusting. Anyway, when my husband was about 12 thats when he started to get ill. My husband is now 27.

So, as you can imagine my husband has a very difficult relationship with his Dad. His nan died recently (His Dad's Mum) and he said Dad will be next I suppose. He started talking about what will happen when he dies. He said, Ive never had a Dad, emotionally or physically, but he is my Dad and I know I'll be devastated when he goes as I wont have had a chance to tell him all the things I want to tell him as my Father, but can't because of what he's done to me. He said, I havent had a Dad in the real sense, I might as well not have one now for all he cares about me.

This conversation just broke my heart and I wanted to comfort my husband. I want to know how to comfort him when his Dad dies, it wont be like normal grief because of these complications. I dont know how to support my husband in this difficult situation now, and when his Dad dies. He finds it hard to have a relationship with my Dad because basically he doesnt know how. He clams up and doesnt know what to say or do, yet he raves about my Dad. This makes it harder, because I am very close to my Dad, and feel luckier than most with the type of Father and relationship I have. I think it just hits home even more to my husband what he has not had.

What can I do to support my husband? I always reaffirm my love for him and tell him I'm always here no matter what, and what a great Father he'll make to our children. But that isn't enough to compensate for the loss of a real father son relationship. Also, when he dies. Does anyone have any thoughts on this difficult issue?

[sixpacktr]

Wow. I am so sorry for you and your husband. This is tough, because it would be easier if your husband just hated him and told him to tell Satan hi when he dies. But instead he will be devastated. That says a lot about your husband and his desire to be Christlike.

There have been several Ensign articles in recent years of people that were abused constantly, both physically and sexually, by fathers/mothers and how these people were able to finally forgive and find some peace. I would do a search on the LDS.org page and they should come up.

I would start there. Those people have much more experience on handling tough situations like this, and may speak more to you and your husband's heart than people like me. You may want your father to "teach" your husband what a real father/son relationship is like, and perhaps in time that will help as well.

Good luck to you. I know that sounds cliche, but prayer/fasting can do wonders as well.

[Guest Yediyd]

I had a conversation with my husband the other day that has really got me thinking.

My father in law is terminally ill with a long term disease that i cant remember the name of. Its a bit like M.S, basically his organs are shutting down one by one, he is on home o2 and cant walk and has nurses at home, all that kind of stuff. He has been like this for ten years and gets worse every year. I dont know how long he's got left, maybe a couple of years, maybe more maybe less. Its hard to judge. However, there are some complicating factors to this situation. My father in law is a bully. He treats his wife really badly, is never grateful for all she does (she's his carer and does everything). He is not interested in my husband or his life and will periodically call him in to his bedroom to have a go at him about some random thing that happened weeks ago or just because he feels like it. We're talkin effing and blinding and all that kind of stuff.

My husband has only recently felt able to fully tell me that when he and his eldest sister were younger, his Dad used to beat them. He still bears the emotional scars today and so does his sister, big time. He broke a door as a 6 year old child, and his Dad locked him in a room and beat the crap out of him, hitting him around the head and kicking him. Disgusting. Anyway, when my husband was about 12 thats when he started to get ill. My husband is now 27.

So, as you can imagine my husband has a very difficult relationship with his Dad. His nan died recently (His Dad's Mum) and he said Dad will be next I suppose. He started talking about what will happen when he dies. He said, Ive never had a Dad, emotionally or physically, but he is my Dad and I know I'll be devastated when he goes as I wont have had a chance to tell him all the things I want to tell him as my Father, but can't because of what he's done to me. He said, I havent had a Dad in the real sense, I might as well not have one now for all he cares about me.

This conversation just broke my heart and I wanted to comfort my husband. I want to know how to comfort him when his Dad dies, it wont be like normal grief because of these complications. I dont know how to support my husband in this difficult situation now, and when his Dad dies. He finds it hard to have a relationship with my Dad because basically he doesnt know how. He clams up and doesnt know what to say or do, yet he raves about my Dad. This makes it harder, because I am very close to my Dad, and feel luckier than most with the type of Father and relationship I have. I think it just hits home even more to my husband what he has not had.

What can I do to support my husband? I always reaffirm my love for him and tell him I'm always here no matter what, and what a great Father he'll make to our children. But that isn't enough to compensate for the loss of a real father son relationship. Also, when he dies. Does anyone have any thoughts on this difficult issue?

I was in a similer situation, my father died of cancer 13 years ago...I was advised to write a letter to him and tuck it into his coffin...I did not exatly take this advise...I wrote the letter...but I handed it to him BEFORE he died. He never acknowledged his sin, but at least the guilt went with him to his grave and is no longer on my back. I don't suggest this is an option for you...just something I did and do not regret to this day, I feel the things I wrote in that letter needed to be said and my father was too much of a bully to have listened to it verbally. Just so you know...I did my father's work in the Temple, and even though he was a Baptist minister in life...I felt his presence in the Temple, I believe he accepted this gosple on the other side, I also felt his appollogy in the Temple, he never did that in life...but I still think that the letter I wrote to him reached him. I'm glad I did not wait till he died to write it and give it to him.

[StrawberryFields]

I am the middle generation. I have children still at home and a very sick and aliening father who has prostate cancer, which has spread to his bones (and is now causing him pain) and he has Alzheimer’s too, which is mild for now.

I also have a father in law who has been in and out of the hospital since January and currently they don't know what is wrong with him. My FIL can't walk and he is very sleepy he basically refuses to eat more than a few bites a day so he is on IV fluids. He is very confused and lives in a different time (year and place). Last night when we went to see him he told me he had been on a Safari and had seen tigers that day. He will be talking and then his jaw will drop and he will be alseep....

Four years ago I lost my mom to lung cancer, she was diagnosed with it and she was gone within a month. The suddenness of her illness and passing caught us by surprise and I was a little upset that I didn't get more time with her. Now knowing more about terminal illness, and sometimes pain, her quick passing was actually a blessing. One day after we knew her prognosis was not good I asked her if there was anything she wanted me to know she just put her head down and shook her head no. I was also told about writing a letter to my mom and I also had my children and dad do this as well. I think this is a great thing to do if you feel like there was some things you want them to 'take with them when they go'.

I wonder what would happen if your husband just randomly told his father he forgave him for all of his past abuses and wished to give him a fresh start with him. Does your FIL live with you?

[Guest Username-Removed]

Thats a very tough thing. When I read your story I couldnt help but relate some of the things to my own father.

While I was never beaten, I certainly was intimidated nearly all of my childhood. My dad was always distant, both mentally and physically. I used to hate to have friends over because they would be scared of him too. So, when I was growing up, I spent a lot of time at the neighbors houses, I slept outside, and generally tried to stay as far away from home as possible.

When I was a teenager, I tried to connect with my father and that didnt work at all. Later, I realized that my dad loved the control factor. He was an expert at controlling out of fear. I learned at a young age that my father never gave me any good advice - it was always self serving to him in some way or another. The thing about that is (good or bad) I learned to always do the opposite of what my father said. So, now being a member of the church, it turned out good! LOL

I suppose it was the way he was brought up. His father was seldom around, and he took a lot of teasing from his older siblings.

I know this sounds horrible, but I cant wait until my father dies of his medical condition. He's had such a horrible emotional affect on my mother, my sister and especially my older brother, that the sooner he's gone, the better off everyone will be. If he wills me anything, I will burn it or destroy it immediatly.

That being said, I realize I have some work to do on forgiving him. I've carried emotional scars that will undoubtetly last a lifetime. Many of them have healed, some will probably never completely. I thank Heavanly Father for me being able to live in Utah, far away from his influences.

I've had the fortune have having other father figures in my life which I still communicate with on a regular basis.

I have the greatest empathy for you and your husbands situation. Why people still feel the need to control other peoples lives is beyond me. The scriptures say we must endure to the end. I pray that all those in similar situations will be able to do so.

[pam]

I am the middle generation. I have children still at home and a very sick and aliening father who has prostate cancer, which has spread to his bones (and is now causing him pain) and he has Alzheimer’s too, which is mild for now.

I also have a father in law who has been in and out of the hospital since January and currently they don't know what is wrong with him. My FIL can't walk and he is very sleepy he basically refuses to eat more than a few bites a day so he is on IV fluids. He is very confused and lives in a different time (year and place). Last night when we went to see him he told me he had been on a Safari and had seen tigers that day. He will be talking and then his jaw will drop and he will be alseep....

Four years ago I lost my mom to lung cancer, she was diagnosed with it and she was gone within a month. The suddenness of her illness and passing caught us by surprise and I was a little upset that I didn't get more time with her. Now knowing more about terminal illness, and sometimes pain, her quick passing was actually a blessing. One day after we knew her prognosis was not good I asked her if there was anything she wanted me to know she just put her head down and shook her head no. I was also told about writing a letter to my mom and I also had my children and dad do this as well. I think this is a great thing to do if you feel like there was some things you want them to 'take with them when they go'.

I wonder what would happen if your husband just randomly told his father he forgave him for all of his past abuses and wished to give him a fresh start with him. Does your FIL live with you?

The letter is an excellent idea. With Father's Day coming up I think I will act on this. As Strawbery already knows, my dad also has Alzheimers which is progressing rather rapidly. We are also waiting on results of a biopsy to determine if he has prostrate cancer. Strawberry and I have much in common as our dad's are only a year apart in age and suffering from the same afflictions. Alzheimers is a horrible disease. I hate to say this about my dad and death. Knowing that I am eventually going to lose him to the Alzheimers..I would rather lose him to a cancer than to the Alzheimers.

Just one addition to my above comments. I feel so bad that many do not have strong relationships with their fathers. My dad and I are extremely close and I am blessed with that. I think that is why all that is going on with him makes it even more difficult.

[Guest Yediyd]

Thats a very tough thing. When I read your story I couldnt help but relate some of the things to my own father.

While I was never beaten, I certainly was intimidated nearly all of my childhood. My dad was always distant, both mentally and physically. I used to hate to have friends over because they would be scared of him too. So, when I was growing up, I spent a lot of time at the neighbors houses, I slept outside, and generally tried to stay as far away from home as possible.

When I was a teenager, I tried to connect with my father and that didnt work at all. Later, I realized that my dad loved the control factor. He was an expert at controlling out of fear. I learned at a young age that my father never gave me any good advice - it was always self serving to him in some way or another. The thing about that is (good or bad) I learned to always do the opposite of what my father said. So, now being a member of the church, it turned out good! LOL

I suppose it was the way he was brought up. His father was seldom around, and he took a lot of teasing from his older siblings.

I know this sounds horrible, but I cant wait until my father dies of his medical condition. He's had such a horrible emotional affect on my mother, my sister and especially my older brother, that the sooner he's gone, the better off everyone will be. If he wills me anything, I will burn it or destroy it immediatly.

That being said, I realize I have some work to do on forgiving him. I've carried emotional scars that will undoubtetly last a lifetime. Many of them have healed, some will probably never completely. I thank Heavanly Father for me being able to live in Utah, far away from his influences.

I've had the fortune have having other father figures in my life which I still communicate with on a regular basis.

I have the greatest empathy for you and your husbands situation. Why people still feel the need to control other peoples lives is beyond me. The scriptures say we must endure to the end. I pray that all those in similar situations will be able to do so.

wordflood,

I know the pain you feel, my heart goes out to you....no sermons about forgiveness from me...I KNOW how hard it is!

Yediyd

[Guest Yediyd]

<div class='quotemain'>

Thats a very tough thing. When I read your story I couldnt help but relate some of the things to my own father.

While I was never beaten, I certainly was intimidated nearly all of my childhood. My dad was always distant, both mentally and physically. I used to hate to have friends over because they would be scared of him too. So, when I was growing up, I spent a lot of time at the neighbors houses, I slept outside, and generally tried to stay as far away from home as possible.

When I was a teenager, I tried to connect with my father and that didnt work at all. Later, I realized that my dad loved the control factor. He was an expert at controlling out of fear. I learned at a young age that my father never gave me any good advice - it was always self serving to him in some way or another. The thing about that is (good or bad) I learned to always do the opposite of what my father said. So, now being a member of the church, it turned out good! LOL

I suppose it was the way he was brought up. His father was seldom around, and he took a lot of teasing from his older siblings.

I know this sounds horrible, but I cant wait until my father dies of his medical condition. He's had such a horrible emotional affect on my mother, my sister and especially my older brother, that the sooner he's gone, the better off everyone will be. If he wills me anything, I will burn it or destroy it immediatly.

That being said, I realize I have some work to do on forgiving him. I've carried emotional scars that will undoubtetly last a lifetime. Many of them have healed, some will probably never completely. I thank Heavanly Father for me being able to live in Utah, far away from his influences.

I've had the fortune have having other father figures in my life which I still communicate with on a regular basis.

I have the greatest empathy for you and your husbands situation. Why people still feel the need to control other peoples lives is beyond me. The scriptures say we must endure to the end. I pray that all those in similar situations will be able to do so.

wordflood,

I know the pain you feel, my heart goes out to you....no sermons about forgiveness from me...I KNOW how hard it is!

Yediyd

Not that forgiveness isn't the right thing to do...but I've read some of your post...and I don't need too tell you what is the right thing to do. I'll just keep you in my prayers. Wow since joining this site my prayer life has been getting so much better!!!!

Yediyd

[Guest Username-Removed]

<div class='quotemain'>

<div class='quotemain'>

Thats a very tough thing. When I read your story I couldnt help but relate some of the things to my own father.

While I was never beaten, I certainly was intimidated nearly all of my childhood. My dad was always distant, both mentally and physically. I used to hate to have friends over because they would be scared of him too. So, when I was growing up, I spent a lot of time at the neighbors houses, I slept outside, and generally tried to stay as far away from home as possible.

When I was a teenager, I tried to connect with my father and that didnt work at all. Later, I realized that my dad loved the control factor. He was an expert at controlling out of fear. I learned at a young age that my father never gave me any good advice - it was always self serving to him in some way or another. The thing about that is (good or bad) I learned to always do the opposite of what my father said. So, now being a member of the church, it turned out good! LOL

I suppose it was the way he was brought up. His father was seldom around, and he took a lot of teasing from his older siblings.

I know this sounds horrible, but I cant wait until my father dies of his medical condition. He's had such a horrible emotional affect on my mother, my sister and especially my older brother, that the sooner he's gone, the better off everyone will be. If he wills me anything, I will burn it or destroy it immediatly.

That being said, I realize I have some work to do on forgiving him. I've carried emotional scars that will undoubtetly last a lifetime. Many of them have healed, some will probably never completely. I thank Heavanly Father for me being able to live in Utah, far away from his influences.

I've had the fortune have having other father figures in my life which I still communicate with on a regular basis.

I have the greatest empathy for you and your husbands situation. Why people still feel the need to control other peoples lives is beyond me. The scriptures say we must endure to the end. I pray that all those in similar situations will be able to do so.

wordflood,

I know the pain you feel, my heart goes out to you....no sermons about forgiveness from me...I KNOW how hard it is!

Yediyd

Not that forgiveness isn't the right thing to do...but I've read some of your post...and I don't need too tell you what is the right thing to do. I'll just keep you in my prayers. Wow since joining this site my prayer life has been getting so much better!!!!

Yediyd

You guys are right of course. Perhaps this thread opened up some thing for me that I didnt realize - at least how much I needed to forgive when it comes to my dad. So, I will start working on it. I've done it with others, so I can do it with him.

It funny, today I realized just how much his impact has had on my life. I always thought I was more independant than that. Today I realized just how much his impact had had on me, even today. Since he out of the realm of influence, perhaps its a good time to start on the forgiveness of him.

Im sorry if I hijacked this thread - it wasnt my intent.

[StrawberryFields]

Just an update on my FIL and I will also ask for prayers. We just found out that my FIL has two Subdural hematomas and will go to surgery either tomorrow or Monday along my my own father for another surgery. If you will please remember them in your prayers.

[pam]

Just an update on my FIL and I will also ask for prayers. We just found out that my FIL has two Subdural hematomas and will go to surgery either tomorrow or Monday along my my own father for another surgery. If you will please remember them in your prayers.

You got it. My thoughts will be with you and your family. *hugs*

[Dr T]

[Guest mamacat]

Just an update on my FIL and I will also ask for prayers. We just found out that my FIL has two Subdural hematomas and will go to surgery either tomorrow or Monday along my my own father for another surgery. If you will please remember them in your prayers.

love, healing prayers and wishes henceforth.

may peace be with you Strawberry.

[Guest Yediyd]

Just an update on my FIL and I will also ask for prayers. We just found out that my FIL has two Subdural hematomas and will go to surgery either tomorrow or Monday along my my own father for another surgery. If you will please remember them in your prayers.

I'm fasting today....now I have a good reason. You got it, Straw!

Yediyd

ps, You too...Wordflood,pam,Soul,mamacat,okie, and everyone else who has touched me up here! I truly feel that my Spirituel family has grown by leaps and bounds since finding this site...I will keep you all in my prayers.

Yed

[StrawberryFields]

Thanks everyone. :)

My FIL was transferred to another hospital today and we thought the surgery was happening then the doctor say it would be tomorrow or the next day so this poor man who I love dearly is sitting the the ICU waiting....

My dads surgery is at 7 am tomorrow....

[Palerider]

Thanks everyone. :)

My FIL was transferred to another hospital today and we thought the surgery was happening then the doctor say it would be tomorrow or the next day so this poor man who I love dearly is sitting the the ICU waiting....

My dads surgery is at 7 am tomorrow....

we will be praying for you and your family

[Guest mamacat]

dear Strawberry ~

please let us know how things are with you and your loved ones. praying for you and thinking of you....sending wishes of healing, blessings and peace.

[StrawberryFields]

dear Strawberry ~

please let us know how things are with you and your loved ones. praying for you and thinking of you....sending wishes of healing, blessings and peace.

Gosh I sure miss mamacat.

My FIL is doing so well in Rehab yesterday he threw most of us out of the room.

[Dr T]

Getting thrown out of the room because he's doing "so well"? Are you sure that is what he meant by kicking the family out of his room? How does that add up?

[StrawberryFields]

Getting thrown out of the room because he's doing "so well"? Are you sure that is what he meant by kicking the family out of his room? How does that add up?

Beause THAT is who he is and who has not been for months. :)

OOOOO am I wrong?

[pushka]

SF, I'm happy to hear that your FIL is recovering so well...I hope your father is okay from his surgery too..You are all in my thoughts.

[StrawberryFields]

SF, I'm happy to hear that your FIL is recovering so well...I hope your father is okay from his surgery too..You are all in my thoughts.

Thanks Pushka Darling, You are in my thoughts as well. :)

My dad is doing really quite well for the shape he is in too. :)

[Dr T]

I don't know anything about him Berry. I'm happy to hear that he is doing well. I just didn't understanding kicking the family out as a good thing. I wondered if he was hiding something or if he saw something wrong with having family around him. Does it bring up some difficulties within the family that he wanted to avoid or something like that? That's all I was wondering. You know him-I don't.

[Guest Emma Hale Smith]

I read everyone's story and am amazed at how many of us were abused or abandoned by our fathers. I'm 51 and so used to a lifetime of struggling with the aftereffects that when I read someone else's story it's familiar and yet startling at the same time.

My father suicided in '75, and I have grown to have great empathy for him. I don't condone his horrendous actions. But he was also treated so dreadfully as a child, and so it goes.

I also am so much like him, and have dealt with some of the same emotional hardships. including difficulties being a good mother. I've done a better job than him, but not as good as I had hoped.

I know that if he had lived I would not be so forgiving. Isn't that an awful thing to say, to be glad he died? But I am.

My thoughts are with all of you as you struggle with your own personal memories and current relationships.

Emma

[StrawberryFields]

I don't know anything about him Berry. I'm happy to hear that he is doing well. I just didn't understanding kicking the family out as a good thing. I wondered if he was hiding something or if he saw something wrong with having family around him. Does it bring up some difficulties within the family that he wanted to avoid or something like that? That's all I was wondering. You know him-I don't.

Well he feels he has no control over his life and he wonders how all of these decisions came to be. He has lost almost a year of his life due to illness. This recent brain surgery also has him acting a little impulsive.