need some advice-this is long!

[kristyc1971]

Ok, this will probably be a long post, so please bear with me :)

I have been a member all my life, and active most of my life.

Last year was REALLY hard for me. I fell into a very bad depression and horrible anxiety. I had lost my brother suddenly prior to me falling into this depression, and my father fell very ill. I also have a special needs daughter who is very demanding. Being a special needs parent in itself is isolating and hard. Its like no one understands us, and to me, it feels like no one really knows what to say or avoids me.

Anyway, a year ago January I called a friend, who happens to be a RS counselor. I was having a huge panic attack and could hardly even catch my breath. Apparently while we were talking (she would not let me off the phone) she texted the RS president and they came out and took me to urgent care. As much as I totally understand they were helping me, and I am SO grateful for it, I have sort of been embarrassed by it. Even the bishop knows. That also embarrasses me tremendously. Last year was so bad for me, with really little to no support (not even my husband) that I became addicted to Xanax ( tranquilizer). For months I took way more than prescribed. It rattled my family pretty badly. My husband serves as YM president and we had a beach trip back in September. I felt some stress from something my daughter was doing and the first thing I thought of was my Xanax. I took some to relax. then I ended up taking another. While I was doing that I had not even realized anyone had seen me. I wandered off for a bit, looking for my son and husband, but could not find them so I stayed by the beach for a long while. Anyway, apparently after the beach trip someone who saw me went and tattled to the bishop (it was one of the leaders there I am sure).

Even though I know what I did was probably not appropriate and I am deeply embarrassed by my actions, at the same time they do not know how deep I was. I had some issues, and this depression is completely biological, It goes back for generations in my family. I have only been a couple times since September. Every time I go to church now, I feel like people totally avoid me. I have not seen a visiting teacher since about July-no contact at all! Once in a while I will get a facebook message from our RS president. My husband tells me no one even asks about me. Is it wrong that I am hurt? I have a couple good friends in our ward. But aside from them, I have no contact with anyone and I feel so forgotten about. It was the hardest year of my life, and with no family around and all, I sort of feel abandoned, when I needed to be loved most.

I have been doing so much better the past couple months-after I heard Jeffrey R Holland's amazing talk at the last general conference, it made me realize it was ok to ask for help. They have me on medications and I feel so level headed and happy. I read my scriptures every day and say my prayers. this year my testimony of the Book of Mormon has increased SO much, and it is something I am thankful for each day.

I want to go back to church, but I am scared. When people avoid me like that, I feel rejected. It hurts. My husband tells me I am not going to church for THEM. I agree and I understand where he is coming from. But at the same time, I want to feel accepted and loved. At this point, I feel pretty invisible I have been thinking I may not go until we end up moving or something-and who knows when that would be, or going to another ward. But I don't need people questioning where my family is and having to explain. I am torn as to what to do.

Edited February 24, 2014 by kristyc1971
added more

[classylady]

Sorry you have had such a hard year. You're going through grief and it's hard. Some private issues you've had have been shared with those who have an obligation for your welfare. I'm thinking that even though a few know what you've gone through, most don't know, and most don't even give it a second thought.

I have anxiety issues and even though I go to church every Sunday, I am never comfortable. I make myself go, plus I teach Primary and I refuse to flake out on my responsibility. I have VT's, but I don't share what's going on in my life with them. Same with our home teachers. I attend church because I know that's where I need to be. I need the spiritual lift I get from Sacrament meeting. I have a testimony, and know church is where I need to be, so I go. That doesn't mean it's easy. i envy people who don't have social anxiety.

[RMGuy]

Boundaries are very important. Set ones that you are comfortable with and then stick to them. It does not matter what others think your personal boundaries are or should be. If you are not comfortable with something draw the line. I have personally found that very helpful.

While the individuals at church are generally well meaning, it does not mean that they need to know or even should know whatever they want to about your life. That is for you and your family to decide.

[skippy740]

I think you'll be surprised at how many people will come up to you and say that they've missed seeing you.

You'll be tempted to think, "If that's so... where've you all been?"

My best advice: If you want them to think the best of you, you should think the best of them.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I can relate to your pain at being ignored. The same thing happened to me--for about four years. Looking back, I was able to realize that I was not completely ignored, but it felt that way. There were a couple things that helped me:

First, realizing that this is a problem not just in my ward, or your ward, or in the church. It is a much larger cultural issue. People just don't know how to reaction or help with depression, anxiety, overcoming childhood abuse, or rape...if you have cancer or lose a family member they can help with that, but any sort of mental illness leaves them virtually paralyzed. Here's an article that illustrates the problem is not just in the church:

With Mental Illness in the Family You Don't Get Lasagna

Realizing this is a much larger issue than me and my ward, helped begin to ease the pain that I felt.

Second, I started focusing on the people that WERE there for me. I realized that because of my own issues, it was hard for me to accept the love that was being offered. It was hard for me to believe it, to trust it. So I focused on that.

Through both of those, the hurt began to heal...and when the hurting healed, I was able to forgive them and move forward. I could begin to reach out and show love to those who were lonely and hurt.

It's a long process, don't feel rushed in any step of it. Just keep praying and keep trying.

[Sunday21]

Some people arrive at church while the first hymn is being song and take off right after the closing hymn. You can sit in the lobby and they will bring out the sacrament. You can always say that you have allergies to perfum or that you suffer from migraines. Use a strategy that will allow you to take the sacrament. Taking the sacrament will make your life better. Your vts & hits may just be slackers. Most people in my ward do not do their home/visiting teaching!

[kristyc1971]

Oh yes, our ward is horrible about HT and VT. We haven't seen a HT in years!!