Trial in marriage, unhappy spouse

[March05]

Hello, I am new to this so and I am not the most tech. savy kind of fellow. I apologize if I am slow with things here. With that being said I would like to introduce myself. I am 14 years married, been sealed together for 7 years, four great children, busy working two jobs, active in the L.D.S. church and asking for advice.

My wife of 14 years has struggled with her own trials and is more or less "through with me" as she said last week. I am very terrified that our marriage could turn to separation or divorce. First thing, I rely on my wife and I feel she that this creates pressure on her. She has had problems with depression(in the past) and co-dependency(towards others). Over the years she has a lot of resentment built up towards me. Her testimony is not very strong these days (though she believes in Christ). She sees me at times in our relationship more as a father than a husband. I have been terrible at noticing this. I try really hard to keep things equal, but I know I am quite naive at times. My focus towards her these days has been too give her some space as she is going through her trials. She is finishing college next month, always a mom, in a very co dependent friendship (she has has challenges with same sex attraction) right now and unhappy with me. Some of her choices besides being co-dependent include drinking alcohol, selfishness and at times putting her friends before family. I really do trust what she says to me and don't feel she is being unfaithful to our marriage when she has been gone all night at times and then returns home. I do feel she is pushing the limits though. It is tough to be faith focused, choosing the right, father to our children, working a lot and seeing my wife struggle. She is in her mid 30ties and married me at the age of 18. It is like she is trying to turn back a clock and be single and in her early 20ties. In the past she has usually refocused back towards us. This time as I stated I am really scared for things. Any feed back, prayers, positive thoughts would be greatly appreciated brothers and sisters. Thank you!

[skippy740]

My first thought... is to wait it out until she is finished with college. You said that she is finishing college next month... so wait until this particular burden and challenge has been met and conquered.

I would plan a celebration for her finishing her finals and show her how proud you are of her. Either invite a bunch of people over for a party... or go out for a romantic dinner. Either way, show how proud you are and celebrate the accomplishment.

[Suzie]

Hello, I am new to this so and I am not the most tech. savy kind of fellow. I apologize if I am slow with things here. With that being said I would like to introduce myself. I am 14 years married, been sealed together for 7 years, four great children, busy working two jobs, active in the L.D.S. church and asking for advice.

My wife of 14 years has struggled with her own trials and is more or less "through with me" as she said last week. I am very terrified that our marriage could turn to separation or divorce. First thing, I rely on my wife and I feel she that this creates pressure on her. She has had problems with depression(in the past) and co-dependency(towards others). Over the years she has a lot of resentment built up towards me. Her testimony is not very strong these days (though she believes in Christ). She sees me at times in our relationship more as a father than a husband. I have been terrible at noticing this. I try really hard to keep things equal, but I know I am quite naive at times. My focus towards her these days has been too give her some space as she is going through her trials. She is finishing college next month, always a mom, in a very co dependent friendship (she has has challenges with same sex attraction) right now and unhappy with me. Some of her choices besides being co-dependent include drinking alcohol, selfishness and at times putting her friends before family. I really do trust what she says to me and don't feel she is being unfaithful to our marriage when she has been gone all night at times and then returns home. I do feel she is pushing the limits though. It is tough to be faith focused, choosing the right, father to our children, working a lot and seeing my wife struggle. She is in her mid 30ties and married me at the age of 18. It is like she is trying to turn back a clock and be single and in her early 20ties. In the past she has usually refocused back towards us. This time as I stated I am really scared for things. Any feed back, prayers, positive thoughts would be greatly appreciated brothers and sisters. Thank you!

I see a long of list of underlined issues, personal and marital, adding the fact that she got married at the age of 18, awfully young. I would strongly suggest that both of you seek the help of a trained psychologist, first as separated individuals so you guys can sort their own personal issues and then seek therapy as a couple.

[March05]

Thanks for reading, finishing school and landing a job are on her mind a lot these days. As for a graduation party, that has planned for a long while and we will be celebrating with family, friends, ward members.

[March05]

Thanks for reading, we have gone to a psychologist and therapist both together and individually. She has a prescription for a little over a year and it has helped. From my perspective a lot of resentment towards me is the big obstacle that has troubled her for a long time. I am usually not the type to find faults in her, but she can be critical of me.

[Windseeker]

Welcome March,

I'm sorry for what your going thru. I was divorced after 14 years of marriage after my wife left me and our 4 kids. I know how tuff it is and can relate to what your feeling. My 1st wife did the same things you describe before she left (except for the same sex attraction). She actually did have a couple affairs which I forgave her for. The more patient, understanding and forgiving I was the more uncomfortable she became until she just decided to leave. She just wanted to be single again without kids and responsibility. I wasn't a perfect husband but during our trials I was able to make some great changes I'm proud of. She left anyway and moved in with her boyfriends, basically leaving me little options other then Divorce.

I see allot of warning signs here. I would recommend visiting Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice

There is some amazing advice on securing and saving marriages here.

My advice is simple, stay true to what you know is right. Embrace Forgiveness and the Atonement and know that this life is a test and the experiences and trials you encounter are here for your growth and ultimate exaltation.

[Quin]

Another enthusiastic vote for counseling. As in ongoing.

It sounds like you have a very strong marriage to have weathered so much... But I'm also seeing a lot of warning signs. Any one of which would rate serious counseling for. Often, people get into counseling JUST long enough to identify problems... And then that feels so huge in and of itself (well now that's sorted!) that they leave before the problems actually are sorted. So, now we've got great buzz words to use in a fight, and specific things to stew over (instead of the amorphous mess of "wrong"), but nothing else. And it usually takes several years to deal with problems that have become habits, or to build up enough trust for resentment to fade.

Resentment is one of the harder issues to deal with... Becuase it usually takes years and years of building up in the first place. So the behaviors actually have to have stopped for years before any repeat doesn't just pile on years of hurt at their repetition.

A micro example is

H wants to go out Monday. Sure, hon! Have fun!

H wants to go out on Tuesday. Okay. Say hi to the boys for me.

H wants to go out on Wednesday. Yeah, sure, of course. But, look, I'm going to need you here tomorrow.

H wants to go out on Thurs. well, if you PROMISE to be here Friday, and don't forget I need you on Sunday.

H wants to go out on Friday. Fight ensues.

H wants to go out on Sat/ since didn't get to on Friday. Baffled as to why wife is upset. Again. She wasn't mad earlier in the week, why is she being so unreasonable NOW?

H goes out on Sunday. I stayed home and all we did was fight? Why bother staying home? You're going to be mad at me no matter what. You're so inconsistent. You were FINE earlier in the week!

Fictional Wife is more than happy for Fictional Husband to go out earlier in the week, because he hadn't gone out every night. But resentments build (just in the course of a week) because of the continuing pattern. By the end of the week, with the same pattern, broken promises, having to beg, fights, et All... Now everything is sucked into into it. It'll probably be weeks later before mention of going out doesn't start a fight, because of the week prior.

Resentment is like that.

Something that IS fine, when taken out of context, when piled up becomes a problem.

It's like cars on the road.

They're fine when it's just one, or there's sufficient space between them, but pile them up and you've either got a jam or a wreck. And then add in a totally unrelated car, and it just adds to the problem.

And nothing, but nothing, fixes the problem but fewer cars.

I don't know what your wife is resenting.

But it won't be a quick fix.

It is, however, one of the only things you CAN fix.

This may be the only time in your life you've listed out all of her problems,

But that's really all we got.

Her problems + she's holding a lot of resentment towards you for unspecified stuff.

THATS the stuff you can work on.

Her side of the street you can't do much about.

But you can work on yours.

Q

[Quin]

This is also just one tiny piece of what you put up there, but it caught my attention:

You mentioned that your wife struggles with SSA.

I wondering if that's something she actually struggles with, or simply who she is?

I ask because

1) loads of bisexual people choose and commit to a single person (therefore a single sex/gender)... And it's no more of a struggle for them than a straight person committing to a single person. You've made your choice. Period. No struggle. Just is.

But it often becomes an issue for their straight spouse... Since there's no one "safe", so they struggle with issues of jealousy.

2) If she's not Bisexual, but Homosexual/SSA... Then being in a Mixed Orientation Marriage is kind of a huge deal. And the one tiny blurb in the middle is, quite literally, burying the lead.

Q

[McLainDow]

Hello, I am new to this so and I am not the most tech. savy kind of fellow. I apologize if I am slow with things here. With that being said I would like to introduce myself. I am 14 years married, been sealed together for 7 years, four great children, busy working two jobs, active in the L.D.S. church and asking for advice.

My wife of 14 years has struggled with her own trials and is more or less "through with me" as she said last week. I am very terrified that our marriage could turn to separation or divorce. First thing, I rely on my wife and I feel she that this creates pressure on her. She has had problems with depression(in the past) and co-dependency(towards others). Over the years she has a lot of resentment built up towards me. Her testimony is not very strong these days (though she believes in Christ). She sees me at times in our relationship more as a father than a husband. I have been terrible at noticing this. I try really hard to keep things equal, but I know I am quite naive at times. My focus towards her these days has been too give her some space as she is going through her trials. She is finishing college next month, always a mom, in a very co dependent friendship (she has has challenges with same sex attraction) right now and unhappy with me. Some of her choices besides being co-dependent include drinking alcohol, selfishness and at times putting her friends before family. I really do trust what she says to me and don't feel she is being unfaithful to our marriage when she has been gone all night at times and then returns home. I do feel she is pushing the limits though. It is tough to be faith focused, choosing the right, father to our children, working a lot and seeing my wife struggle. She is in her mid 30ties and married me at the age of 18. It is like she is trying to turn back a clock and be single and in her early 20ties. In the past she has usually refocused back towards us. This time as I stated I am really scared for things. Any feed back, prayers, positive thoughts would be greatly appreciated brothers and sisters. Thank you!

I don't have anything to offer other then what others have posted except for my prayers and the observation that I have seen some severely damaged marriages repaired through some dedicated work with a counselor and the atonement of Christ.

[ACommonMan]

This is a difficult situation, and I am not sure I know what to say. But, I feel a need to say something.

First, remember that you are the only one you can change. You cannot change her through coercion, manipulation, or even by fasting more diligently.

Second, as the male of the species you need to learn that the female rarely wants to be given advice, or fixed in any way. She wants to talk and feel understood.

Third, never use terms like co-dependent unless you are a licensed therapist. Labels, while helpful in certain circumstances, tend to put people in a box. That limits the ability to apply creative solutions to a problem. The term co-dependency, in particular, is completely misunderstood by the majority of amateur internet psychologists. I used to have the same false definition that is so rampant among the spouses of alcoholics, until my therapist recently corrected me.

Lastly, you seem to have been rather dismissive about her drinking and SSA, choosing to focus more on the negative personality traits. Anger, resentment, and selfishness are side effects of the problem, not its roots. See if she would be willing to say morning and evening prayers with you. Study the scriptures daily. If she is not comfortable reading the Book of Mormon these days, read the new Testament. President Boyd K. Packer has said:

"The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior. Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior. That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel”