Sexual Abuse Survivor - help

[NeedleinA]

After many, many years, someone very dear to me has let me know of sexual abuse from their childhood. Compounding the issue, it was a family member who was the abuser. This person has been to the bishop, great guy, but not trained for this type of specific recovery. They have also been to a LDS Family Services Counselor, who was very helpful, but eventually even their expertise was limited to general recovery and not specific to sexual abuse.

 

So... I realize there are others out there that have gone through this personally or know someone who has.

Can anyone suggest a specific book, video series, on-line group, etc. for sexual abuse survivors to find help? 

 

THANK YOU in advance! 

Edited November 16, 2015 by NeedleinA

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I'm so sorry to hear about this. But as I am also a survivor I have tons of suggestions. I'm on my phone right now, so I'll post more later.

To start with the best LDS resource, hands down, IMO, is Cheiko Okazaki's talk Healing from Sexual Abuse. You can find it on youtube. I'll post the link later.

Also, I've been told by survivors that my book, Touching His Robe is helpful. Send me a PM and I will send you a FREE copy of the ebook or audio version. The paperback is also available at amazon and BandN. You can check out the reviews at amazon.

There's also a couple Ensign articles I will send you links to later.

A book that helped me a lot was Miss America by Day by Marilyn Van Derbur. I love it because she gave me hope that there could be an end to the pain.

Finally there. is an FB group...I'll send you a link layer from my laptop later.

She needs therapy with someone trained to deal with survivors. I can send you a link to get started on that search as well. Therapy has helped me so much. It really is an important part of the process.

For YOU...the best thing you can do is listen and validate her feelings. Saying, "I'm sorry you are hurting" really is so much more helpful than any advice or platitudes.

Be warned that your loved one has some hard years ahead. It is not uncommon for survivors to consider self-harm for various reasons, and to suffer from anxiety, depression, PTSD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, and suicidal ideation.

Healing is a long journey but it is worth it. It is possible and it is so worth the effort. The Savior makes that healing possible, but even with His help it's a long process.

Edited to add: I should have said he or she...I realize that men are survivors too.

Edited November 16, 2015 by LiterateParakeet

[NeedleinA]

Thank you so much thus far LP, I truly appreciate it! I already left work, meet the survivor, and just finished watching the talk by Sister Okazaki on youtube that you recommended. Wonderful talk, simply wonderful. You can tell she has done her homework and this is a subject that she deeply cares about. I look forward to seeing the links you might have later on and also taking a look at your book too. I'll see if I can figure out the PM thing in a moment. Thank you for stepping forward as a survivor and helping others, you will be blessed and have already blessed us both over here. 

Edited November 16, 2015 by NeedleinA

[Jane_Doe]

Hi NeedleinA,

 

As LP said, your friend has a long road ahead of her (I'm a survivor too).  I'll talk about your friend, and then you.  

 

Your friend-- one of the stuff things about sexual abuse is that someone else yanks all control away from you.  She's going to have to learn to take the reins herself again responsibly.  It HURTS.  I would highly recommend a counselor specialized in this type of stuff (considering 1 in 3 girls is molested before age 18, there are a lot of counselors in this).  A good counselor is not a brain surgeon (they're not going to come in your head and just mess with stuff), rather a good counselor is like a hiking guide: he/she helps you get where you want to go, at the pace you want/can go, if you're willing to do the work to get there.  Find one that matches you (or rather your friend), and don't be afraid to try out a couple to get a good match (I tried 3).  They even have special "meet and greet" sessions precisely for that purpose.  She's got to be very honest with herself, and realize that this will take a while.  

 

Finding other people that have been "there": 1 in 3 girls is molested by age 18 (1 in 6 for boys).  Finding a friend who's been there helps a with the "no one gets what I'm going through" feeling.  For that reason, there are support groups in practically in every city, and many online (such as the Facebook group LP recommend).  Reach out to people. 

 

As to a book... I'll have to work to remember. Personally, healing is such an individual experience, I went through a million of them and felt like while some were helpful, none were "just like me".  

 

 

 

Speaking to you as the helpful friend: this is NOT your battle.  You can NOT fix her.  You can NOT fight her battles.  You will NOT understand perfectly what she's going through.  Do NOT pester, do NOT push, but do NOT hide.She is in charge, and must take the reins here herself.  You need to realize this.  

 

What you CAN do: hold her.  Be there with her.  Listen to her concerns.  Encourage her when she's down, and celebrate when she reaches each important step.  Be patient for this marathon run.  A good friend is critical for healing.  

[Latter-Day Marriage]

Sounds to me like the self-help route will not be enough. The LDS Family Services Counselor should be able to recommend a therapist who specializes in helping victims of abuse like this.  There are also LDS therapists that take remote patients (sessions via skype etc.).

[JojoBag]

I was raped and sexually abused from age 4 to 9 by three relatives (1 male, 2 female).  It messed me up for the vast majority of my life.  I went to counselor after counselor, but it was a waste of time.  They tried EMDR and pshrinks tried nearly 22 different anti-depressants, anti-anxiety and anti-psychotic drugs, none of which worked and only messed me up further.  For eleven years, I turned suicidal and had nightmares an average of six nights a week; jumping out of bed, running around the room, fighting, screaming nightmares.  I even became a drug addict for those 11 years. 

 

Nothing helped, until I met my wife.  She helped me confront the memories of abuse, where before I avoided them.  I learned that I had made the memories of my childhood into a golden calf.  I worshipped those memories, keeping them alive and using them as an excuse for not getting on with my life.  I used that to justify why I sunk so far down the ladder of humanity.  I wasn't a very good person.  Once I confronted those demons, I got off the drugs (cold turkey, which I don't recommend) and began healing.  I also had to confront my own weaknesses and then talk, talk, talk.  Fortunately, my wife has a great deal of education and experience in dealing with mental illness.

 

Each person is different as to how they handle their memories.  What is important is to confront them, examine them and realize that they are powerless to hurt you.  I realized I was letting those memories control me and began taking that control back.  The Atonement won't take away the memories, but it will take away the pain of the memories.

[Guest MormonGator]

To anyone who survived this: I am so sorry you went through it. I never did, so while I can't relate, please know I am praying for each of you. 

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Thank you so much thus far LP, I truly appreciate it! I already left work, meet the survivor, and just finished watching the talk by Sister Okazaki on youtube that you recommended. Wonderful talk, simply wonderful. You can tell she has done her homework and this is a subject that she deeply cares about. I look forward to seeing the links you might have later on and also taking a look at your book too. I'll see if I can figure out the PM thing in a moment. Thank you for stepping forward as a survivor and helping others, you will be blessed and have already blessed us both over here. 

 

Yes, Sis. Okazaki was truly inspired with that talk.  It has been immensely helpful to me and so many others.  

 

I mentioned a couple Ensign Articles.  The first one is  Hope and Healing in Recovering from Abuse by Sarah E. Miller

 

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2008/09/hope-and-healing-in-recovering-from-abuse?lang=eng

 

In this article Sis. Miller, a therapist, gives thoughtful answers to questions probably all of us have had about Heavenly Father and healing: Why did He let this happen? Why am I unable to feel his love? How can I forgive? How Can My Wounds Heal?

 

She ends with a message of hope: “Many times I have counseled Latter-day Saints recovering from the trauma of abuse, I can testify that though recovery may seem difficult and fraught with temporary setbacks, the Savior offers solace to aching hearts, heals wounded souls, and changes sorrow into joy.”

 

The other is Healing the Spiritual Wounds of Sexual Abuse by Ann F. Pritt

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2001/04/healing-the-spiritual-wounds-of-sexual-abuse?lang=eng&query=abuse#pop_001-21904_000_011

Ann Pritt is also a therapist.  In this wonderful article she outlines the spiritual wounds that we are all too familiar with, and offers helpful insights and scriptures.  She discusses finding hope in the atonement, improving our relationship with Heavenly Father, learning about agency, seeking peace through prayer, and other issues.  I found it very helpful and insightful.

 

You already found the youtube version of Sis. Okakazi's talk.  That talk is also included in her book Disciples (it's out of print, but used copies can be found on the internet).  There is also a written copy of the talk here: 

http://www.the-exponent.com/chieko-okazakis-healing-from-sexual-abuse/comment-page-1/     

Sometimes you want the written copy to underline, highlight and study.   :)

 

About finding a therapist,  I LOVE what both Jane and Jojobag said about that.  It really is an individual process.  I also met 3 or 4 therapist before I found the one that has been right for me.  Whether or not to use an LDS or Christian therapist is also highly individualized I think.  I meet with one LDS therapist, and when she suggested that I pray about something I found that disagreeable...if I wanted someone to tell me to pray I would talk to my Bishop, I expected something different from a therapist.  My therapist has never said, but I suspect he is atheist (mostly because I've read that a large number of people who major in Psychology are.)  That said, he has always been supportive of my belief in God and Christ.  When I doubted God, he neither encouraged or discouraged that, but simply worked to help me find the right path for me.  

Anyway here is a link...you can put a zip code to find local therapists and then on the left side of the page, scroll down and select "sexual abuse" to find someone that specializes in this area.

https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/

About books, there aren't any LDS books on this topic (I wish there were).  I read a few Christian books but couldn't find what I was looking for (perhaps because as Jane said healing is personal and individual).  One of those books made me so angry, I nearly threw it at the wall.  So yes, it's tricky to find books on this subject.  But as I said, I really liked Miss America By Day by Marilyn Van Derbur (it's not religious at all) and more auto-biography than anything.  In the early stages, it could be triggering for some though because she shares her experiences.  I also really liked A Fractured Mind by Robert Oxnam, which is also autobiographical.

 

Finally, here is the link to the Facebook group I belong to: https://www.facebook.com/groups/breakingabuse1/

Edited November 17, 2015 by LiterateParakeet

[NeedleinA]

I truly appreciate all of the great information, experiences and feelings that you all have shared, honestly from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU ALL. Thank you for stepping forward, not hiding and openly saying "I'm a survivor too". Just like my dear survivor, I am extremely proud of you for taking the time to share with others in an effort to help them heal. You all have shared a lot of wonderful information to go over, now one step at a time down the path we go to take control our of lives and not let this situation control us. 

[Guest MormonGator]

I truly appreciate all of the great information, experiences and feelings that you all have shared, honestly from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU ALL. Thank you for stepping forward, not hiding and openly saying "I'm a survivor too". Just like my dear survivor, I am extremely proud of you for taking the time to share with others in an effort to help them heal. You all have shared a lot of wonderful information to go over, now one step at a time down the path we go to take control our of lives and not let this situation control us. 

 So many wonderful things about this thread. Survivors rule. You are all amazing. <3