Latter-Day Marriage

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  1. Have her membership records been moved to the YSA ward? If not she should see the ward clerk and get that done. The Bishop will then be informed and the ball is in his court. He may decide to allow it or gently direct her to a more suitable ward. It is the Bishop's call though, not yours. In some areas there are wards for over 30's who are single.
  2. You know you won't be her co-working in a month, so why not just go to her now and ask for a date with her in a month when you are no longer co-workers?
  3. No. If that really was better the church would be counseling people in your situation to do that. God wants you to repent and become clean and free of this sin, anyone or anything or any thought of doing otherwise is not from God. And you can not repents and become clean of this without making a full confession to your husband. Yes, he will be deeply hurt. Yes, he may or may not divorce you (seeing as you have not slept with this other person I think divorce would be an over-reaction), but just because he can does not mean that he should. Especially with children involved. If both of you are humble to seek repentance and give true forgiveness your marriage can come out of this stronger than it ever was before. Not because of the sin, but because of how repenting and forgiving will change the both of you into better people. The steps of repenting to God of your sin are the same as the steps you must take to reconcile with your husband. Please see the series of posts I made about that:
  4. There is the possibility that your feelings are a symptom of your depression. Perhaps it is not as well treated as it could be. If that isn't it, then you have an obligation as his wife to get past this. If you focus your mind on no loving him, that is what you'll get. Loving somebody is far more of a choice than most people realize. Focus your mind instead on all the reasons to love him, the good things he does, and the bad things he doesn't do. There are a lot of single women in the church who would probably love to trade places with you. What are you doing to serve him? You come to love those who you serve. You need to make a point of meeting his relationship needs, and yes I would even include meeting his sexual needs in that. You will not draw your heart closer to him by pushing him away. You can't tell the fireplace you will add some wood after it gives you some heat. After a certain amount of rejection he will have to defend himself from further hurt by shutting down his feelings for you and that will make things worse. In the temple you promised God and your husband that you would be a wife to him, not just a live in maid or whatever. Give him the chance to awaken your feelings. Perhaps lan a weekend together to reconnect. Send the kids for sleepovers with grandparents or friends and spend the whole weekend as a couple, either in a hotel (getting away helps remove distractions and interruptions) or hotel-at-home if you can't afford that. No chores or anything, just being together, talking, watching movies and discussing them, games, looking through photo albums, whatever. Here is another VERY good book to read. It is essentially marriage counseling for LDS couples in book form:
  5. Actually you can. You are a custodial parent so you don't need her to give permission for you to take your daughter anywhere. You can put your foot down and say you are going to church, and you are going to teach your child the things you believe in even if she doesn't go with you. And she gets to do the same. If she is going to church and wants to take her with her, she doesn't need your permission, but if you both want to do that at the same time you need to work our a fair schedule for it. And your daughter is certainly no excuse for YOU not going, nor is this cowardly 'God made me this way' stuff. God gives us weaknesses for us to fight against and overcome so he can make them a strength to us. Fear God or fear your wife (fear as in respect). She is making you choose between the two and you choice will impact the exaltation of yourself, your daughter and your wife. Stop being a sacred little boy acting on fear. Christ did not come to be a peacemaker, he said: Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household. He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me. (Matt 10:34-38) Your foe is of your own household. Take up your cross and follow the Savior. Stop making excuses, stop defending doing what you know you should not do, stop making excuses, stop letting fear of your wife rule your life.
  6. She is NEVER going to accept it as long as you take this 'I'm not going until she accepts it'' stuff. You are surrendering your role as the spiritual leader of the home to her and telling her that her acceptance if more important to you than obedience to God. It is your job as her husband to LEAD your wife and family by example. To be blunt, you need to man up, grow a pair, stop being a p-whipped little boy. I don't like talking like that but I'm trying to break through this wall you have built in your mind. Stop making yourself a hostage to her mood. Do you really think God is OK with you not going to church because your wife doesn't like it? He isn't. Why should He help you change this in your relationship with her if you lack the faith to obey Him? And I didn't say tell her you don't care about her opinion, just that you don't agree with it and you have to do what you believe is best. She may be resentful over not getting things her way for a time, but that is her choice. She could choose to put some trust in your judgement and be respectful of your opinion even through she doesn't agree with it. My father was resentful of the church at first, he came around when he saw what it did for my mom. Tell her in a kind and loving way that you hear what she is saying but you don't agree and will attend church as your conscience demands. Ask her how she would feel if the tables were turned and you were trying to stop her from going to her church. No matter what she says, stick to your guns, go to church, take the heat and pray for God to soften her heart. It is God that will change her feelings on this and He can only do that if you are exercising the faith to live the gospel.
  7. Nobody likes being stood up to, but you have to have the courage of your convictions to stand up for what you believe in, even if it means displeasing or upsetting others, not just when it is easy and agreeable to others. Don't let the fear of other people's reactions run your life for you, that is living is a prison. I get that you would like a way to resolve this that doesn't involve a level of conflict with her, that's normal, but you can't limit yourself to that. You have to be prepared push back and take the heat when the situation calls for it. She doesn't seem to have a problem pushing back against you and risk upsetting you, do you think that should be a one way street? Even if she is upset about it she will have more respect for a man who will do that then one who can't stand up to her. And she won't have respect for you if you can't stand up to her over anything.
  8. A) You do not need her to understand that before you do it. She only needs to understand that you are going to do this, you believe it is good for the family, and she can either make it a sore point in your relationship or she can trust you and accept it. B) The only way she will come to understand it is by you doing it and her seeing the results. You do not need her permission, approval, blessing or whatever. She is not your mom or your boss. If you are so afraid of conflict that you won't stand up for what is right then you may as well be her slave. You might want to read this:
  9. It is not too late. People who have done worse than you have repented and become clean again, and so can you. It may or may not take longer to complete your repentance than before, it may or may not include having to start all over as a non-member and work towards re-baptism, I can't say. I can say with surety that it is possible to become fully forgiven and temple worthy.
  10. Oh I'm quite well educated in worldly realities, but it doesn't stop me from seeing what things should be like. From a profit motive perspective I think it would do them well to try to screen out married people to avoid a reputation that will harm them. Of course all they could really do it ask, and people can lie, but then its on the person and not on the company behind the site. Of course the other solution is to bring back polygamy. :)
  11. Your wife doesn't get a veto on your right to freedom of religion and that was likely why your Bishop was not to accepting of your excuse. Plus you will be a better husband and father by putting God first than you will be by putting your wife and daughter first. It is counter intuitive but it is true. You need to clearly and lovingly tell her that your faith is important to you and you are going to live it including going to church each week, it is not up for debate. Tell her it will make you a better husband and father. Tell her that it is her choice to either trust you and be accepting of that or to turn this into a sore spot in your relationship, but either way it isn't going to change what you do. That is part of being the spiritual leader of the home. You should however look for ways to make it easier for her. Like if you took your daughter to church with you it would give her some 'me time' to sleep or whatever, and she can't say you are abandoning your daughter if you are taking her with you. In our ward the young women are happy to help out single parents with little kids during sacrament, but even if you spend the whole time out in the foyer with your baby crying you are at least there, getting the sacrament and fellowshipping with the Saints. As you live the gospel you will reap the blessings and have the spirit in your home far more often. In time she will likely notice that and her heart will soften. She may be willing to come to a social activity or be there when ministering brethren visit you. My mother joined the church shortly after she married my dad, and he was not at all happy at first with how much it took her out of the home. She stayed faithful and in time my dad realized it was doing good and he was OK with it. Then he came to know it was true and joined the church when I was 9. When I was 10 we were all sealed in the temple. I can't promise you it will work out like that for you, but I can promise you it won't work out like that as long as let her decide how faithful you will be.
  12. I think something that needs to be taken into account when reading things Kimball and others of his generation said is that back then society pushed people away from homosexuality. Embracing that lifestyle back then took a much deeper rebelliousness against God, society and the law than today which was part of why they were considered deviant, corrupt, dangerous and untrustworthy. These days kids are openly encouraged to experiment with it, at a societal level it requires no rebellion at all. The same thing can be said of adultery, in generations past it was a black mark on the adulterer's character. The social stigma against it was great and that was a deterrent. Today society accepts it as normal and even glamorizes it helping it to happen more often.
  13. A) French kissing is not a violation of the LoC. It can however be very arousing and put a couple in a position of being tempted to sin. It is playing with fire. My wife and I did not kiss like that until we were engaged, and we only did it when parting. We never let our desires get out of control but for me at least it took a great deal of effort sometimes, including having to cut are farewell short before things went too far. B) Feeling sexual attraction and desire for your significant other is not a sin, but how you deal with it might be. There are other quotes from GAs about how God gave us those emotions specifically to drive us toward marriage where they can be fully expressed. I would say you should not marry a person until after you have felt those kinds of feeling for them. Feeling it doesn't mean you have to act on it in inappropriate ways. The scriptures say to bridle our passions, that means we are to keep control over them so we can put their power to good use. It doesn't mean we bind they up and repress them. Lust and being carnal are not simply feeling sexual feelings, they are about putting sexual gratification above the commandment of God. C) When Elder Scott said "Do not arouse those emotions in your own body" he was talking about masturbating, porn and whatever else a person can do to deliberately and artificially get themselves all worked up. He was not talking about avoiding all kissing etc. D) Miracle of Forgiveness is not cannon, it was published by Deseret Books, not by the Church. While some of what he says in there is his own view on things and reflect the thinking of his generation, there is a lot in there that is doctrinal too and it doesn't take a lot of effort to check doctrinal sources for confirmation. I think people are far to eager to throw the whole thing out because it really doesn't leave any wiggle room for sin and that makes a lot of people uncomfortable. I'm hanging on to both my copies.
  14. There are lots of cases where two people both feel they are prompted/inspired/directed by God towards opposite paths. We can easily project our own desires onto God, Satan can try to mislead us, and sadly mental health issues can play a role in something like this. The bottom line is that in a case like that one or both are not actually getting revelation from God. All you can do is look inside and honestly ask if you are projecting onto God something not from God. If you are, then you go back to square one of finding out from God what to do because the other person could be wrong too. Praying about it together, first one praying then the other, might be helpful but in the end you need to go by what is revealed to you, not some unconfirmed claim by somebody else about what was revealed to them.
  15. If these are websites specifically for LDS members to find other members to date it should be a requirement for people who sign up to be legally free to marry.
  16. There was an earlier thread about somebody else in the same boat...
  17. I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. Love blinds people but here is harsh truth. He was taught the LoC by the missionaries, he had a baptismal interview and specifically said he would live the LoC, and you are saying he has broken his covenant multiple times with multiple women starting shortly after his baptism and doesn't see it as a big deal. No matter how charming he may be that is not somebody to be trusted in my book unless and until there is some serious repentance. Stop focusing on how much you think he loves you and look at how much he loves God (his actions will tell you that). If he doesn't love God more than he loves you he is not somebody to get serious with. Also, when you say you don't think this would have happened if you were with somebody with a testimony it sounds like you want to blame him for this. While he may have pressured you, you can't put it all on him. If you were not being raped then you made a choice to go along with it and you have to own up to that.
  18. I don't see you as having any obligation to tell him the details, if you were engaged then that would be appropriate, but not before then. Like MM said above, just tell him you can't get into a serious relationship right now, but you value your connection with him and hope that once you are ready you can move forward together. If he asks for detail just say it's too personal. That being said, someday you will be engaged to somebody, and you should tell them about it before the wedding. For one reason, he needs to make the choice to marry you knowing your past. Second, you need to know that he loves you warts and all. You don't want to start a marriage on a lie of ommission and always wonder what will happen when he finds out. Someday he will find out and it is better you tell him up front before the wedding then make him feel like you tricked him into marrying you. Yes, he might leave you when you tell him like that other guy did, but that is better than a divorce, especially if kids are involved.
  19. Just don't make it a bigger deal than it has to be. 'Hey, I'd like to get to know you better, would you like to go out for dinner Friday night?' is a lot easier to say yes to than asking somebody to commit up front to a romance. When that evening is over, if things went well, you can say you'd love to go out again with them and gauge their reaction and take it from there. When you go to the park to feed pigeons you don't chase after them and pelt them with bread crumbs.
  20. You've got to love and accept yourself first. If you need approval from somebody else to validate your existence you will always be putting on an act to be what you think will get your that approval instead of being yourself. When you realize rejection tells you something about them, not about you, then you lose the fear of it and you are ready for a healthy romantic relationship. Then you can meet and interact with others while being your true self without fear of rejection, without being needy or 'on the hunt'. Somewhere along the way you will meet somebody that you'll have a spark with. Kindness, respect, being open and honest with them will feed that spark. Serving them and seeking their happiness will fan the flames. Get to know what their relationship needs are and do your best to meet them. Don't try to fit them into some mold of what you want, help them achieve what is important to them. Be their cheerleader and champion, protector and partner. Big romantic gestures are good now and then, but don't overdo it, focus more on building the emotional bond through everyday stuff.
  21. Punishing people is not the role of the church, the role of the church is to help the sinner find peace and cleansing through Christ. There is a big difference between two people who are truly in love and committed to each other having their emotions carry them into a place they shouldn't go than a rebellious soul who cares nothing for the commandments of God and deliberately tries to get all the pleasure they can from whoever they can find as a willing partner. Don't brand yourself as the worst of the worst for a perfectly understandable mistake you regret. If you have been faithful to each other, I highly doubt you will face excommunication. and I doubt you would be disfellowshiped too. There may be some informal discipline like not being allowed to take the sacrament for a time while you work through this, but I can guarantee you that as soon as you come clean to the Bishop you will feel peace in your heart. The Bishop will keep the matter confidential. Your sealing is valid, but the blessings of it do still depend on your faithfulness so you need to take care of this. Why linger in this dark unhappy place any longer? Call the Bishop and let the miracle of forgiveness work it's magic in your life.
  22. Back in the early 2000's where I worked the guy at the desk next to me was openly gay and we often had lunch together. Up here in Canada this was when the debate over gay marriage was going strong and we talked about it many times at length. It never got heated and while he never agreed with my side of it, he did come to see that it wasn't about hate and bigotry. I think the chances of that happening now are much lower than back then and it is sad.
  23. Is she in college? There is lots of indoctrination that goes on there these days.