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Cause to Pause

Today has been a day of revelation. I’m inactive as far as the Church is concerned. I have shunned religion, shunned faith, shunned Heavenly Father for about a year. I’ve had my testimony rocked to it’s core. I became convinced that the church was a cult. You have no idea how hard that is to admit to myself right now, let alone anyone else.

I have struggled, I have railed, I have wept and I have ignored. I’m a convert, no faith background except perhaps loosely Christian but no church attendance as a child at all. I’ve been dealt some blows in life, blows that others will never have to experience. I would write about them here but I fear they would make me too easily identifiable to anyone who knows me well. I’m not sure I’m ready to “announce” my intentions right now.

I’ve been looking for another church to attend. I’ve been reading voraciously, trying to find something to grab hold of and extricate myself from the restored gospel. I’ve asked for help of anti-mormon folks. I have sat down and tried to analyse without any help from the Holy Ghost, what exactly it is that I believe in. Not just based on what I’ve been taught, but also based on my own experience. I even took a questionnaire online in an attempt to find another faith. 100% LDS. Despite that when I took it, as I answered, I considered that I was removed from LDS teachings, I thought my outlook had changed.

In all this pondering I, not for the first time in my life, had a most curious dream. It woke me a good 4 hours before the alarm was due to go off. In that space of time, in the dawn of the day, I was able to hear the still small voice one more time. There is no other church that I can join. The contents of the dream are unimportant right now, but suffice it to say that it affected me enough to sit in quiet contemplation and to pray.

Later, I was looking around for some music with a message downloads (I’ve always found music to be a spiritual medium that can set me in the right frame of mind). I inadvertently, thanks to the search engine with a y, ended up clicking on and off lds.org. But something caught my eye. President Uchtdorf’s General Conference Talk “Christ Will Find and Rescue You” from the April 2016 conference. It’s this week’s “Talk of the Week” on lds.org.

Towards the end of this talk, the line:

Our Savior, the Good Shepherd, knows and loves us. He knows and loves you.”

Never has something hit me with so much clarity of thought in my life. The talk goes on to say this:

“His invitation is simple:

“Turn … to me.”5

“Come unto me.”6

“Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you.”7

This is how we show Him that we want to be rescued.

It requires a little faith. But do not despair. If you cannot muster faith right now, begin with hope.

If you cannot say you know God is there, you can hope that He is. You can desire to believe.8 That is enough to start.”

Today is my start. I can’t deny what I know anymore. I am telling no-one I know at this stage, I’m not planning on attending church in the near future. I am going to take each day as it comes, and draw a little closer to Heavenly Father.


Truly humbled. Axxx

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On 4/26/2016 at 10:46 AM, Stumblinginthemists said:

I’m not planning on attending church in the near future. I am going to take each day as it comes, and draw a little closer to Heavenly Father.

First, you are blessed to have had this revelation.

Second, please reconsider your intent to stay away from the very people who can help you make the transition back to the kingdom of God. The Church exists for the sole purpose of helping all of us become the people God dearly wants us to be.

When we were baptized, we all covenanted to bear each other's burdens, to make our brothers and sisters as important in our lives as we, ourselves, are. Please let us (or those in your ward) fulfill that covenant.

Lehi

Edited by LeSellers

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1 hour ago, Stumblinginthemists said:

1.  I’ve had my testimony rocked to it’s core.
2.  I’ve been dealt some blows in life, blows that others will never have to experience. 
3.  I’ve asked for help of anti-mormon folks.
4. Today is my start. I can’t deny what I know anymore. I am telling no-one I know at this stage, I’m not planning on attending church in the near future. I am going to take each day as it comes, and draw a little closer to Heavenly Father.

Hi Axxx,

1. You are not the first, you won't be the last... it happens sometimes. It is not a requirement of life's journey, but it does happen. 
2. One falsehood that the Adversary tries to instill in us is that "we are alone", "no one will ever understand us", "our situation is unique"... this is flat out false. You would be surprised what some of us have gone through on here before.
3. My two cents... anti-mormons are those people who were "unsuccessful" in finding the answers they needed or "unsuccessful" in simply holding to the iron rod. I would suggest turning to faithful members who had your similar doubts, BUT despite those doubts, found the answers they needed and remained solid in the faith. 
4. WONDERFUL for you! Sometimes all you can do is muster a step here or there. After a while those single steps turn into walking again, and so forth. Hang in there... you are not alone!!

Edited by NeedleinA

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Thank you Lehi, but I feel right now that I need to work on my relationship with Heavenly Father, and not get bogged down with any politics or end up questioning myself on "why" I'm doing something. I need to make sure that I don't get so caught up in the what, and forget about the why. xxx

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God be with you, Stumbling.

I echo LeSellers' request that you reconsider not going to Church. You need the fellowship the Saints have to offer, and they need the chance to serve and strengthen a brother or sister in need. 

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Needle - you are absolutely right at your point 3. I've spent a lot of time reading anti-mormon stuff, in fact my original conversion happened as a direct result of anti-mormon lies! But that's a story for another day. All too often I read of people saying that they've never had a revelation, never heard the still small voice, never experienced what I know to be a reality. In my journey, I never once met an ex-mormon who had those experiences. xxx

 

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I love the verse President Uchtdorf referenced in his talk (emphasis mine):

Alma 32:27 But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.

Pray for good desires and the strength to act on them.  Sometimes, that's the most you can manage - just don't let yourself get so content with wherever you are at any given time that you stagnate. :)

If you liked that talk by President Uchtdorf, you might like these too:

Come, Join with Us
Forget Me Not

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Thank you Zil for those talks, I've pondered them overnight (I'm in the UK!) 

I've got in touch with my bishop. On further contemplation on what you've all kindly said, I think you're all probably right. To begin, I will only be able to go for sacrament meeting due to circumstances at home (husband is recovering from cancer). I think all your responses have been the push I needed. 

xxxxxxxx

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5 hours ago, Stumblinginthemists said:

Thank you Zil for those talks, I've pondered them overnight (I'm in the UK!) 

I've got in touch with my bishop. On further contemplation on what you've all kindly said, I think you're all probably right. To begin, I will only be able to go for sacrament meeting due to circumstances at home (husband is recovering from cancer). I think all your responses have been the push I needed. 

xxxxxxxx

So sorry to hear about your husband's cancer.  He'll be in our prayers too.

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9 hours ago, Stumblinginthemists said:

Thank you Zil for those talks, I've pondered them overnight (I'm in the UK!) 

I've got in touch with my bishop. On further contemplation on what you've all kindly said, I think you're all probably right. To begin, I will only be able to go for sacrament meeting due to circumstances at home (husband is recovering from cancer). I think all your responses have been the push I needed. 

xxxxxxxx

So sad about the medical weight on your shoulders, not to mention on your husband's. It is sometimes as much as we can carry. That's why Christ told us to take his yoke, light and easy, and let Him carry ours, because we are heavy laden. It's a tremendous opportunity to swap.

It's also wonderful to see that you're getting back to Church, even if not for the entire block. Every little helps.

Welcome back, dear sister.

Lehi

Edited by LeSellers

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