Squashing doubts

[Me too]

On 11/13/2017 at 2:14 PM, DoctorLemon said:

Disagree.

I believe any man and any woman may find happiness and eternal joy in temple marriage, if both are living worthily of the Celestial Kingdom and both make the commitment to one another.  Brigham Young happens to agree with me.

All of this stuff about marrying the "wrong" person?  Lies, lies, and more lies, straight from the father of lies himself.

If you think you married the wrong person, what is the solution?  Try harder.

So I get what you are saying in that they can maybe make it work, but being the husband of a similar situation where my wife told me she didn't truely love me 2 month into our marriage, I can say I truely envy marriages that have it easier.  I know what your thinking, but I believe COMPATIBILITY is a real thing (I feel like those that disagree probably have reasonably good compatibility with their spouse and just don't understand this)..  We each come to our marriages with different principal beliefs/perferrances (outside of lds beliefs) , character traits etc.  sometimes people come to a marriage and are in sync and have a lot of common ground.  For many others (particularly in a culture when marrying young and quickly is often times encouraged/acceptable by many) you realize post alter that they aren't very compatible.  Certainly you can tough it out and make it work but I wonder if sometimes finding a more compatible spouse is a better option.  I'm married now 11 yrs and have 3 kids.  Even if I wanted out (which I don't; I'm a tough it out kinda guy), I would be committing financial suicide with alimony and child support (not to mention the scars divorce would potentially cause on my precious kids and wife which I still love regardless - so I stick it out).  The options aren't great for me I feel.  I struggle daily with the reality of my situation everyday which is my wife still is undecided and uncommitted and doesn't truely love me.  This issue trickles into our intimate life (non existent), parenting, ability to perform at work, etc.  i yearn for equality in marriage where both sides are equally committed to make it work.  I know she isn't happy and it saddens me to see that.  I feel like both spouses deserve happiness and if it's not with me than I'll be crushed but at the same time know it's for the best.  I often ask myself if marriages are really supposed to be this hard?  When I'm out on weekends and see happy couples, I wonder what it would be really like in a marriage when both spouses are in love (truely magical).  Intimacy would be amazing; don't even truely know what that feels like 11 yrs into a marriage (it's crazy).  We have other problems like conflict resolution so I can't really bring up or talk through issues easily which complicates the problem more.  To the gal that is in this situation, whatever you do, just DECIDE ONCE AND FOR ALL and move on one way or the other.  I hope the right decision for you personally is to stay and you can be happy/committed and enjoy a lovely marriage (I believe God wants this especially with kids involved), but if the decision is to divorce ends up being the right one for you, do so swiftly and put the poor man out of his misery and best of luck in finding a more compatible mate(I know the grass isn't always greener; but maybe sometimes it is right??? ).  I truely wish you the best,  just hope this gives you perspective from the other side of alter so to speak.  

Edited November 15, 2017 by Me too

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Me too said:

So I get what you are saying in that they can maybe make it work, but being the husband of a similar situation where my wife told me she didn't truely love me 2 month into our marriage, I can say I truely envy marriages that have it easier.  I know what your thinking, but I believe COMPATIBILITY is a real thing (I feel like those that disagree probably have reasonably good compatibility with their spouse and just don't understand this)..  We each come to our marriages with different principal beliefs/perferrances (outside of lds beliefs) , character traits etc.  sometimes people come to a marriage and are in sync and have a lot of common ground.  For many others (particularly in a culture when marrying young and quickly is often times encouraged/acceptable by many) you realize post alter that they aren't very compatible.  Certainly you can tough it out and make it work but I wonder if sometimes finding a more compatible spouse is a better option.  I'm married now 11 yrs and have 3 kids.  Even if I wanted out (which I don't; I'm a tough it out kinda guy), I would be committing financial suicide with alimony and child support (not to mention the scars divorce would potentially cause on my precious kids and wife which I still love regardless - so I stick it out).  The options aren't great for me I feel.  I struggle daily with the reality of my situation everyday which is my wife still is undecided and uncommitted and doesn't truely love me.  This issue trickles into our intimate life (non existent), parenting, ability to perform at work, etc.  i yearn for equality in marriage where both sides are equally committed to make it work.  I know she isn't happy and it saddens me to see that.  I feel like both spouses deserve happiness and if it's not with me than I'll be crushed but at the same time know it's for the best.  I often ask myself if marriages are really supposed to be this hard?  When I'm out on weekends and see happy couples, I wonder what it would be really like in a marriage when both spouses are in love (truely magical).  Intimacy would be amazing; don't even truely know what that feels like 11 yrs into a marriage (it's crazy).  We have other problems like conflict resolution so I can't really bring up or talk through issues easily which complicates the problem more.  To the gal that is in this situation, whatever you do, just DECIDE ONCE AND FOR ALL and move on one way or the other.  I hope the right decision for you personally is to stay and you can be happy/committed and enjoy a lovely marriage (I believe God wants this especially with kids involved), but if the decision is to divorce ends up being the right one for you, do so swiftly and put the poor man out of his misery and best of luck in finding a more compatible mate(I know the grass isn't always greener; but maybe sometimes it is right??? ).  I truely wish you the best,  just hope this gives you perspective from the other side of alter so to speak.  

I am sorry you have had such a hard time, and I understand what you are saying.

One of the elements that has to be in place for a couple to find happiness in marriage is both have to commit to it and work at it.  From your description, it sounds like your wife has not committed and is not working towards happiness.  Happiness in marriage is dependent on the agency of not one, but two, people.  All too often, one or both are not willing to pay the price.  Tragically, most conflict in most marriages is entirely avoidable and created by one or both party not choosing righteousness.

But does it have to be this way?  Could your wife decide, tomorrow, to repent of her attitude, renegotiate your relationship (for lack of a better term) and make your marriage the marriage you both have always wanted?  

I propose that she could!  And should!

 

 

Edited November 15, 2017 by DoctorLemon

[anatess2]

8 hours ago, Me too said:

 I know what your thinking, but I believe COMPATIBILITY is a real thing (I feel like those that disagree probably have reasonably good compatibility with their spouse and just don't understand this)..  

Compatibility is good.  But compatibility is something you work on.  Think about this - My husband is American, I'm Filipino.  Cultural differences alone are a wide divide.  My husband is LDS, I was devout Catholic.  My husband did not have a college education, I was an Engineer.  My husband was in a feast or famine financial situation living off a tiny apartment with several roommates, I owned a house.  My husband eats stuff I don't like to eat and vice versa.  My husband thinks money is to be saved, I think money is to be spent.  He grew up in a house where the truck stop has cleaner bathrooms.  I grew up in a house with an OCD mother who will douse the bathroom in muriatic acid if she sees pee stain on the toilet seat.

We've been married 20 years.  Ups and downs, of course.  I tried to throw him out of the house a few times, he thinks it's cute how I get so mad.  Anyway, it's not compatibility that makes our marriage work, that's for sure.  What makes it work is we live as 2 people growing old together giving each other the freedom to be who we are, loving good things forgiving the bad things,  striving to bring ourselves closer to Christ.  Divorce is not an option.  That's all there is to it.

Edited November 16, 2017 by anatess2