how to convince a girl we're compatible?

[person0]

24 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

Ok. I see the subtle difference.  But my point is that you're still dancing around a different end of the spectrum.  I truly believe that "interest in other areas" really are inconsequential.  They may add a little bit to the marriage.  But too many people base their marriage decisions on hobbies rather than meaningful things that have a daily effect on their lives.

Okay, yeah, I think would have to agree with you there.

[vitaminwater120]

16 hours ago, Carborendum said:

Nothing here talks about shared values and goals.  The Gospel?  That's WAY too broad.  It's got to be more specific than that.  

Here's a hint: Compatability is a myth without values and goals.

The next couple of ingredients: Trust and unselfishness.

You're trying to tell her that she can't trust herself, but she should trust you.  Doesn't sound good.

You're trying to get her to listen to you, but you're not listening to her.  Doesn't sound good.

can you give some examples of shared values and goals?  not sure why you think i'm trying to tell her that she can't trust herself.  i'm not.  and i'm not sure why you think i'm not listening to her. i am.

Edited March 15, 2018 by vitaminwater120

[vitaminwater120]

10 hours ago, LePeel said:

If she doesn't like you that way it doesn't really matter if you think you're compatible or not. Besides that, a few months isn't long enough to get to know a person sufficiently for marriage.

I just got out of a relationship with a young woman which lasted about two and a half months. We both "love the gospel." Yet I've given up literally all video games, TV, and movies for years now. While she on the other hand loves movies and watches movies which contain things (and I wasn't shy in telling her this) that I would not tolerate in my house should we ever marry. This was a severe clash in lifestyle, yet we both love the gospel.

On the second date we both told each other our deepest and most intimate secrets. She even told me things which she had only ever told to her father. We could talk about literally anything, nothing was too intimate. 

And after we broke up she started doing things that I would not have supposed, it was like the Twilight Zone. I really did not know her despite knowing all of her intimate details and spending every waking moment in those two and a half months with her. We even worked together.

And throughout most of this I had a strong anxiety that we had moved too fast, and I constantly gave myself reasons why we ought to be, and it was all stuff like you listed in the OP as compatibilities. I really did like her, but that didn't mean that we should be together.

Breaking up stung and wasn't very comfortable, but that didn't mean it wasn't right.

The idea of trying to convince a girl to like me makes me very uncomfortable. If she doesn't like me for me, I see no reason why I should try to change her mind. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=p8_FOQ7-P30

 

interesting point.  i, too, have given up all video games, tv, and movies for years now but the girl from the op is really into that kind of stuff.

[Guest MormonGator]

1 hour ago, Carborendum said:

I'm not trying to justify people who divorce because of a loss of faith.  Those are individual situations with individual solutions

Agree totally. 

[Guest]

20 hours ago, vitaminwater120 said:

can you give some examples of shared values and goals?  not sure why you think i'm trying to tell her that she can't trust herself.  i'm not.  and i'm not sure why you think i'm not listening to her. i am.

1) I'm assuming that you would have had this conversation with her directly prior to coming to a bunch of internet strangers with the issue.  If not, then you're saying you trust internet strangers better than her and her judgment.

2) If you have had the talk with her, then first, I will state that it is perfectly acceptable to have a difference of opinion and discuss it.  That isn't the problem.  The problem is that A) This is a pretty central issue for a relationship.  B) She's made a decision even after discussion and you think she's wrong. 

3) If you've had a discussion with her, then I'm sure she gave her reasons for saying you're not compatible.  But again you disagree.  If she didn't give any reasons and just flat out said you're not compatible, then you're not listening to the unspoken message:  SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU.

4) Values and goals: I hope this doesn't come off as too harsh, but I don't know how I can respond to the question in any type of meaningful way without sounding REALLY judgmental.  If you don't know what values and goals are, then... well, I guess I won't say it.  Here are some ideas -- in no particular order other than how they came up in my head.

• How many children are you going to have? 
• Will she work outside the home?  Full-time?  Part-time? SAHM?
• Daycare?  Public school?  homeschool?  Disciplining your kids?
• Television/movies on its effect on kids?  Rated R movies? Caffeine? Video games?
• Financial goals?  How to get there?  Spending habits?
• How often are you going to go the temple?  How often will you pray?  Read scriptures? Individual, couple, family?
• General conference at home over the internet or at the church building?
• Activity level for youth night, priesthood and relief society activity nights, 
• Politics?
• Have you, for instance, ever gone item by item through the For the Strength of Youth booklet?  Have you talked about "what if" your child...?

The thing is that we are all aware that the eventual goal is the Celestial Kingdom (We love the gospel).  But we all disagree (even with scriptures and the words of prophets guiding us) on exactly how we should get there.  Part of it is that while the general direction is the same for all of us, the individual paths are different for each of us.  And walking that path is so much easier when both of you agree on what that path is.

Edited March 16, 2018 by Guest

[zil]

21 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

4) Values and goals: I hope this doesn't come off as too harsh, but I don't know how I can respond to the question in any type of meaningful way without sounding REALLY judgmental.  If you don't know what values and goals are, then... well, I guess I won't say it.  Here are some ideas -- in no particular order other than how they came up in my head.

• How many children are you going to have? 
• Will she work outside the home?  Full-time?  Part-time? SAHM?
• Daycare?  Public school?  homeschool?  Disciplining your kids?
• Television/movies on its effect on kids?  Rated R movies? Caffeine? Video games?
• Financial goals?  How to get there?  Spending habits?
• How often are you going to go the temple?  How often will you pray?  Read scriptures? Individual, couple, family?
• General conference at home over the internet or at the church building?
• Activity level for youth night, priesthood and relief society activity nights, 
• Politics?
• Have you, for instance, ever gone item by item through the For the Strength of Youth booklet?  Have you talked about "what if" your child...?

The thing is that we are all aware that the eventual goal is the Celestial Kingdom (We love the gospel).  But we all disagree (even with scriptures and the words of prophets guiding us) on exactly how we should get there.  Part of it is that while the general direction is the same for all of us, the individual paths are different for each of us.  And walking that path is so much easier when both of you agree on what that path is.

What does Sabbath observance mean?  In a previous lesson on this topic, one of the women pointed out that her daughter (fairly recently married) has a completely different idea of what is / is not acceptable on the Sabbath than her husband (and his family), and being the stricter of the two, it's causing the daughter to feel like she's violating the Sabbath when she goes along with her husband and his family.

IMO, things like taking care of the house, yard, cars, etc. should also be discussed.  People make a lot of assumptions about who's going to do what, and their assumptions don't always match, but they don't talk, because they think the assumptions are "obvious" or "normal".  (Above couple just assumed that their way of Sabbath observance was "normal" and the other would naturally agree.)

Further, young people "in love" think these things are trivial and their "love" will override any such trivial problem, but the reality is, these "trivial" things have the power to create a lot of stress and conflict that could have been avoided had they just talked honestly up front and come to an agreement.

You didn't mention sex, but this is another thing that ought to be discussed when a couple get serious / think about committing to each other.

Edited March 16, 2018 by zil

[Guest]

25 minutes ago, zil said:

What does Sabbath observance mean?  In a previous lesson on this topic, one of the women pointed out that her daughter (fairly recently married) has a completely different idea of what is / is not acceptable on the Sabbath than her husband (and his family), and being the stricter of the two, it's causing the daughter to feel like she's violating the Sabbath when she goes along with her husband and his family.

IMO, things like taking care of the house, yard, cars, etc. should also be discussed.  People make a lot of assumptions about who's going to do what, and their assumptions don't always match, but they don't talk, because they think the assumptions are "obvious" or "normal".  (Above couple just assumed that their way of Sabbath observance was "normal" and the other would naturally agree.)

Further, young people "in love" think these things are trivial and their "love" will override any such trivial problem, but the reality is, these "trivial" things have the power to create a lot of stress and conflict that could have been avoided had they just talked honestly up front and come to an agreement.

You didn't mention sex, but this is another thing that ought to be discussed when a couple get serious / think about committing to each other.

Yes, Sabbath observance.  That is important.

I also forgot to mention fasting.  I've really been surprised to find that people have different ideals of what a full fast is.  My family went through various understandings because my parent were converts.  So, they were learning even though they'd been baptized for over 10 years by the time i came around.  But as they learned, I learned.  And the 2 meals = approx 24 hours was the standard I've had for a long time.  I thought everyone who had been raised in the Church would understand this.  Not so.