how to convince a girl we're compatible?

[vitaminwater120]

i know it's not a good sign if you have to try and convince another person you're compatible with them, but bear with me.  a few months ago I met a girl with whom I have so much in common.  we both love the gospel.  we both love the holy scriptures.  we both love reading.  we're both intellectually curious.  we both feel like we can be honest and share intimate details of our lives with each other.  we both have strengths that complement each other's weaknesses (examples: she is strong when it comes to dealing with people, which is a weakness for me.  And I'm strong when it comes to decision-making, which is a weakness for her).  we both love science.  we both love dancing. etc. I also really enjoy her quirks too (her fidgeting, incessant apologizing, ramblings, etc.).  to me, it is blindly obvious that we are supposed to be together but, for her, our commonalities aren't enough because "the feeling isn't there."  what are some ways I can explain to her ‘feelings’ alone are not a good basis for choosing an eternal companion?

[Suzie]

36 minutes ago, vitaminwater120 said:

 to me, it is blindly obvious that we are supposed to be together but, for her, our commonalities aren't enough because "the feeling isn't there."  what are some ways I can explain to her ‘feelings’ alone are not a good basis for choosing an eternal companion?

 

Hi vitaminwater120,  what seems to be obvious to you doesn't seem to be that obvious to her. If she says that "the feeling isn't there", it means she is not interested in you in a romantic way. Time to look elsewhere. There are millions of LDS women who fit the exact same description and I am sure they will be the right match for you. I know it sucks, but unfortunately no matter how cool we are, how intelligent, and amazing we might be, if the other person doesn't feel the same for us it is a super clear indicator that we need to move on. Using logic won't work. Convincing her and later on getting hurt will make things worse for you. Wish you the best.

[Jane_Doe]

1 hour ago, vitaminwater120 said:

 to me, it is blindly obvious that we are supposed to be together but, for her, our commonalities aren't enough because "the feeling isn't there."  what are some ways I can explain to her ‘feelings’ alone are not a good basis for choosing an eternal companion?

I once heard a story: guy likes girl, goes to the temple to pray about marrying her, and hears "yes".  Guy excitedly tells girl about this.  She, being wise, tell him, "Ok, as soon as God tell me to marry you, then we'll talk about it- not before."

This girl is entitled to revelation herself, and her own choices/feelings.  If you love her, you need to respect her agency and let her go if she so wishes.  Trying to impose what you feel/think on to her is not love at all. 

Edited March 14, 2018 by Jane_Doe

[Just_A_Guy]

1 hour ago, vitaminwater120 said:

what are some ways I can explain to her ‘feelings’ alone are not a good basis for choosing an eternal companion?

Bro, that’s just how she makes decisions.  She has had at least 18 years to develop a more logical, data-driven approach—and yet, here she is.  You aren’t going to change her overnight.

And even if you could persuade her to accept your hand:  Do you want every major decision in your married life—from where you live, to how many kids you have, to what employment you pursue—to be contingent on how your wife “feels” about it, wholly independent of fact and reason and logic?

If not, you should probably keep looking.  For all your similarities, your differences in decision-making approaches might make you a very unhappy man in the long run.

Edited March 14, 2018 by Just_A_Guy

[Jane_Doe]

1 minute ago, Just_A_Guy said:

Bro, that’s just how she makes decisions.  She has had at least 18 years to develop a more logical, data-drive. approach—and yet, here she is.  You aren’t going to change her overnight.  And even if you could persuade her to accept your hand:  Do you want every major decision in your married life—from where you live, to how many kids you have, to what employment you pursue—to be contingent on how your wife “feels” about it, wholly independent of fact and reason and logic?

If not, you should probably keep looking.

Speaking my thoughts on this: people make decisions different ways.  Our decision making process is part of us.  If a person can't honestly and thoroughly respect another person's decision making process, then the two of them shouldn't get married.  

[Guest]

1 hour ago, vitaminwater120 said:

i know it's not a good sign if you have to try and convince another person you're compatible with them, but bear with me.  a few months ago I met a girl with whom I have so much in common.  we both love the gospel.  we both love the holy scriptures.  we both love reading.  we're both intellectually curious.  we both feel like we can be honest and share intimate details of our lives with each other.  we both have strengths that complement each other's weaknesses (examples: she is strong when it comes to dealing with people, which is a weakness for me.  And I'm strong when it comes to decision-making, which is a weakness for her).  we both love science.  we both love dancing. etc. I also really enjoy her quirks too (her fidgeting, incessant apologizing, ramblings, etc.).  to me, it is blindly obvious that we are supposed to be together but, for her, our commonalities aren't enough because "the feeling isn't there."  what are some ways I can explain to her ‘feelings’ alone are not a good basis for choosing an eternal companion?

Nothing here talks about shared values and goals.  The Gospel?  That's WAY too broad.  It's got to be more specific than that.  

Here's a hint: Compatability is a myth without values and goals.

The next couple of ingredients: Trust and unselfishness.

You're trying to tell her that she can't trust herself, but she should trust you.  Doesn't sound good.

You're trying to get her to listen to you, but you're not listening to her.  Doesn't sound good.

Edited March 14, 2018 by Guest

[Guest MormonGator]

From guy to guy-

A red flag I've found in my life is a girl who 1) can't make a decision and 2) apologizes all the time. Both are sort of abnormal. So be careful. The inability to make a decision might mean she lacks confidence, common sense or maturity. The apologizing all the time might mean she's insecure, needy, or constantly looking for validation.

And that you are asking us how to convince her that you are compatible is another thing that makes me cringe. A great couple doesn't need convincing-they simply know. I've never seen couples with great chemistry talk about it. You simply are aware that this couple has great chemistry. 

Edited March 14, 2018 by MormonGator

[Grunt]

If you ever find out, let me know.  I still haven't convinced my wife we're compatible.  

[Midwest LDS]

Brother, take this from someone who went down this road when he was younger and move on. I had a girl I was head over heels for. We had tons of similarities, I loved her quirky personality, I got along with her family etc, etc. But she didn't have feelings for me. I spent months trying to change her mind doing everything I knew how to do, and made her and myself miserable. It won't work, you'll regret it for years afterwards even after you apologize for trying to push her into liking you, and you'll end up in the same spot you are now, having to move on. It hurts alot, but she has made her decision. Move on too greener pastures and allow her to do the same. Trust me, when you truly find the right gal, you won't have to convince her to like you☺

[Guest MormonGator]

5 minutes ago, Midwest LDS said:

 you'll regret it for years afterwards

This is so true. The mistakes I made with women still cause me pain and regret, and I'm happily married. 

[Midwest LDS]

Just now, MormonGator said:

This is so true. The mistakes I made with women still cause me pain and regret, and I'm happily married. 

Agreed. I love my wife, and I'm very happy I found her, but there are days I wish I could have a long tough talk with my younger self.

[person0]

14 hours ago, Grunt said:

If you ever find out, let me know.  I still haven't convinced my wife we're compatible.  

My wife and I recently realized (after more than 7 years of marriage) that for the most part we do not share the same interests.  However, that hasn't had much bearing on our love or relationship, nor do I expect it ever will.  How did it take us so long to figure that out?  I think Carb is right; common goals (especially when Christ centered) likely nullify will generally be sufficient to make up for incompatibilities lack of common interest in other areas.

Edited March 15, 2018 by person0
Better wording

[Guest MormonGator]

2 minutes ago, person0 said:

 I think Carb is right; common goals (especially when Christ centered) likely nullify incompatibilities in other areas.

@Carborendum is right, though I think it's a bit more complicated. it helps to have common interests just in case one or the both of you go though a life change. Just in case someone drastically changes in one aspect of life you'll still have something in common to salvage the marriage. 

[person0]

1 minute ago, MormonGator said:

@Carborendum is right, though I think it's a bit more complicated. it helps to have common interests just in case one or the both of you go though a life change. Just in case someone drastically changes in one aspect of life you'll still have something in common to salvage the marriage. 

Oh yes, I agree with that too.  If my wife were to leave the Church, I doubt we'd last very long.

[Vort]

2 hours ago, vitaminwater120 said:

i know it's not a good sign if you have to try and convince another person you're compatible with them, but bear with me.  a few months ago I met a girl with whom I have so much in common.  we both love the gospel.  we both love the holy scriptures.  we both love reading.  we're both intellectually curious.  we both feel like we can be honest and share intimate details of our lives with each other.  we both have strengths that complement each other's weaknesses (examples: she is strong when it comes to dealing with people, which is a weakness for me.  And I'm strong when it comes to decision-making, which is a weakness for her).  we both love science.  we both love dancing. etc. I also really enjoy her quirks too (her fidgeting, incessant apologizing, ramblings, etc.).  to me, it is blindly obvious that we are supposed to be together but, for her, our commonalities aren't enough because "the feeling isn't there."  what are some ways I can explain to her ‘feelings’ alone are not a good basis for choosing an eternal companion?

I'm thinking the old standby is your best bet: "I was praying about us, and I received this revelation..."

[LePeel]

If she doesn't like you that way it doesn't really matter if you think you're compatible or not. Besides that, a few months isn't long enough to get to know a person sufficiently for marriage.

I just got out of a relationship with a young woman which lasted about two and a half months. We both "love the gospel." Yet I've given up literally all video games, TV, and movies for years now. While she on the other hand loves movies and watches movies which contain things (and I wasn't shy in telling her this) that I would not tolerate in my house should we ever marry. This was a severe clash in lifestyle, yet we both love the gospel.

On the second date we both told each other our deepest and most intimate secrets. She even told me things which she had only ever told to her father. We could talk about literally anything, nothing was too intimate. 

And after we broke up she started doing things that I would not have supposed, it was like the Twilight Zone. I really did not know her despite knowing all of her intimate details and spending every waking moment in those two and a half months with her. We even worked together.

And throughout most of this I had a strong anxiety that we had moved too fast, and I constantly gave myself reasons why we ought to be, and it was all stuff like you listed in the OP as compatibilities. I really did like her, but that didn't mean that we should be together.

Breaking up stung and wasn't very comfortable, but that didn't mean it wasn't right.

The idea of trying to convince a girl to like me makes me very uncomfortable. If she doesn't like me for me, I see no reason why I should try to change her mind. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=p8_FOQ7-P30

 

Edited March 15, 2018 by LePeel

[Guest]

11 hours ago, person0 said:

My wife and I recently realized (after more than 7 years of marriage) that for the most part we do not share the same interests.  However, that hasn't had much bearing on our love or relationship, nor do I expect it ever will.  How did it take us so long to figure that out?  I think Carb is right; common goals (especially when Christ centered) likely nullify incompatibilities in other areas.

11 hours ago, MormonGator said:

@Carborendum is right, though I think it's a bit more complicated. it helps to have common interests just in case one or the both of you go though a life change. Just in case someone drastically changes in one aspect of life you'll still have something in common to salvage the marriage. 

I don't really agree with "nullify".  What I mean is that compatibility of values and goals is of paramount importance.  If you don't have common values and goals, it doesn't really matter if you've got common interests.  You're not going to last.  I don't believe that common interests will salvage the marriage. All it can do is extend it a year or so.  That is why so many celebrity marriages fall apart in about that time.  They get together for common interests and have no values.  Yeah, they'll stick it out for a bit.  But with no shared values, they fall apart.

Even when couples of older generations didn't get along, they stuck it out because they at least valued the institution of marriage or the their role as children, that they stuck it out.  For some reason in recent years it has become fashionable to say "staying together for the kids" only hurts the kids.  How on earth did they come up with that?

[Guest MormonGator]

1 hour ago, Carborendum said:

I don't really agree with "nullify".  What I mean is that compatibility of values and goals is of paramount importance.  If you don't have common values and goals, it doesn't really matter if you've got common interests.  You're not going to last.  I don't believe that common interests will salvage the marriage. All it can do is extend it a year or so.  That is why so many celebrity marriages fall apart in about that time.  They get together for common interests and have no values.  Yeah, they'll stick it out for a bit.  But with no shared values, they fall apart.

Even when couples of older generations didn't get along, they stuck it out because they at least valued the institution of marriage or the their role as children, that they stuck it out.  For some reason in recent years it has become fashionable to say "staying together for the kids" only hurts the kids.  How on earth did they come up with that?

My concern is when those common goals and values change. In reality, you don't know what the future holds. You might lose your faith at 35, gain it at 45, then die an atheist. It is of course a partners right to leave for whatever reason they want to, but it deeply concerns me when people say things like "If my spouse leaves the church, I'm gone." Yes, I know it's not what you are saying, but it still concerns me.  

And we agree-unless the situation is absolutely terrible, you really should "Stay together for the kids." Till they are 18, at the very least. 

Edited March 15, 2018 by MormonGator

[person0]

3 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

. . . it deeply concerns me when people say things like "If my spouse leaves the church, I'm gone."

I suppose everyone's perspective is different.  But in my mind, leaving the Church means rejecting faith, family, and responsibility all in one.  For example, I have a natural tendency to be selfish, if I mentally were to remove the beliefs that I have that encourage me to deny my 'natural man', then basically everything I would do would be in my own self interest.  Things like the law of chastity, the word of wisdom, all of it goes out the window.  I would probably be willing to stay married and raise the family together, but my wife would have to put up with way too much crap from me.  Why would my wife want to stay with me in that situation?

I suppose most people may not be like me.  Many people would leave the Church and go somewhere else.  In my mind, however, I already am confident that every other church is not true, and would probably not even give them a chance, I just wouldn't care anymore.  My wife does not process things in the same analytical fashion as me, but still, if she were to leave the Church (I literally can't even fathom that as a possibility), but she also acknowledged that if it were to happen, she would expect to be mentally in a position where she wouldn't want me or the kids or any of the responsibility and stress anymore.  In that situation, why would I want to be with her?  I imagine that sticking together in that scenario would have the very high potential to bring both of us down.

I have seen many times that when one spouse leaves the Church, the other spouse eventually follows suit, or separates.  I haven't seen many situations of people sticking it out for very long.  Even the people who come into this forum commonly show that the spouses who have left the Church turn to fun and vice and other extremely incompatible lifestyle choices.

I think it is an entirely different situation if two people are married and one of them joins the Church, or if two people marry and one is a member and one is not, compared to someone leaving the Church when both were already faithful members at time of marriage.

27 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

And we agree-unless the situation is absolutely terrible, you really should "Stay together for the kids." Till they are 18, at the very least.

I agree with this statement 100%, but I can't really imagine the situation not becoming terrible.

[person0]

1 hour ago, Carborendum said:

I don't really agree with "nullify".  What I mean is that compatibility of values and goals is of paramount importance.

I just couldn't think of a better word at the time.  Interestingly, I even tried to cheat by using a thesaurus, haha!  I just changed it to "will generally be sufficient to make up for lack of common interest in other areas".

[Guest MormonGator]

 @person0

You are right, everyone has a different perspective than the other guy. You have every right to place religion as the number one priority in your marriage and every right to consider ending said marriage for whatever reason you desire. I have nothing but respect for you, and your way of thinking is 100% valid and totally understandable. 

[anatess2]

16 hours ago, vitaminwater120 said:

i know it's not a good sign if you have to try and convince another person you're compatible with them, but bear with me.  a few months ago I met a girl with whom I have so much in common.  we both love the gospel.  we both love the holy scriptures.  we both love reading.  we're both intellectually curious.  we both feel like we can be honest and share intimate details of our lives with each other.  we both have strengths that complement each other's weaknesses (examples: she is strong when it comes to dealing with people, which is a weakness for me.  And I'm strong when it comes to decision-making, which is a weakness for her).  we both love science.  we both love dancing. etc. I also really enjoy her quirks too (her fidgeting, incessant apologizing, ramblings, etc.).  to me, it is blindly obvious that we are supposed to be together but, for her, our commonalities aren't enough because "the feeling isn't there."  what are some ways I can explain to her ‘feelings’ alone are not a good basis for choosing an eternal companion?

I think you might have just gotten Friend Zoned.  A lot of women who are still single in their late 20's whine about how there are no good guys.  Well, girl, look in your Friend Zone where you put them!

Anyway, this is what I tell my kids - "you like the girl?  you really really really like the girl?  well, go win her over!".  My older kid would say, "but what if she still doesn't like my amazing qualities?" and I would say, "well, it's either your qualities need more work or she's too dumb to recognize amazing when she sees it.  either way, move on.".  My younger kid would say, "no girl is worth that trouble." and I would say, "well, daddy thought mommy was worth all that trouble", and of course, because my kid has mastered the art of trolling, he'd say, "that's just gross mom that you would tell your kid to marry their mother!".

 

 

Edited March 15, 2018 by anatess2

[vitaminwater120]

thanks for all the responses.  so I decided to stop pursuing this girl because I've noticed she doesn't bring out the best in me (this thread is evidence that she doesn't bring out my best)

14 hours ago, Midwest LDS said:

 Trust me, when you truly find the right gal, you won't have to convince her to like you☺

perfectly put!  i'm pretty sure this is one of the main lessons Heavenly Father is trying to teach me.  it's quite true.  if you have to convince someone you're compatible, then that means you're definitely not compatible. 

15 hours ago, Just_A_Guy said:

Bro, that’s just how she makes decisions.  She has had at least 18 years to develop a more logical, data-driven approach—and yet, here she is.  You aren’t going to change her overnight.

And even if you could persuade her to accept your hand:  Do you want every major decision in your married life—from where you live, to how many kids you have, to what employment you pursue—to be contingent on how your wife “feels” about it, wholly independent of fact and reason and logic?

If not, you should probably keep looking.  For all your similarities, your differences in decision-making approaches might make you a very unhappy man in the long run.

she's had 27 years to improve her decision-making approach!  she's getting blown around like chaff in her life because everything she does is based on feelings. i'm starting to feel sad for her.

[Guest]

34 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

My concern is when those common goals and values change. In reality, you don't know what the future holds. You might lose your faith at 35, gain it at 45, then die an atheist. It is of course a partners right to leave for whatever reason they want to, but it deeply concerns me when people say things like "If my spouse leaves the church, I'm gone." Yes, I know it's not what you are saying, but it still concerns me.  

And we agree-unless the situation is absolutely terrible, you really should "Stay together for the kids." Till they are 18, at the very least. 

I'm not trying to justify people who divorce because of a loss of faith.  Those are individual situations with individual solutions.  And by values and goals, I'm not just talking about faith.  I'm talking about values and goals.  Even atheists have values and goals.  And there are those part-member families that somehow make it work.  So, it's much more than faith.

If values and goals change in a dramatic way, it will have an impact on daily life and all major decision making.  I am not advocating,"OK, you've changed your values and goals, so let's get a divorce."  No, it means that everything has to be re-evaluated.  You'll have to determine if your values and goals are still going to mesh.

Jane Doe has somehow worked things out with her husband.  Grunt has an understanding with his wife.  In spite of faith differences, they still have values and goals that line up.  There's a purpose in moving forward.  Now, how would that be different if Jane's husband would ACTIVELY try to discourage or even forbid the kids from church attendance?  Would Jane put up with it?  I don't know.  But these major decisions that are values based are what need to be compatible.  Forget if you like art or movies or whatever.  That's what friends are for.  Marriage is much more than that.

[Guest]

4 minutes ago, person0 said:

I just couldn't think of a better word at the time.  Interestingly, I even tried to cheat by using a thesaurus, haha!  I just changed it to "will generally be sufficient to make up for lack of common interest in other areas".

Ok. I see the subtle difference.  But my point is that you're still dancing around a different end of the spectrum.  I truly believe that "interest in other areas" really are inconsequential.  They may add a little bit to the marriage.  But too many people base their marriage decisions on hobbies rather than meaningful things that have a daily effect on their lives.