Help For My Husband

[Aphrodite]

This isn't church related but thought I could get some other peoples opinions on this.

My hubby's a painter and decorator and therefore spends a lot of time on building sites, where as you know, a lot of very rough and ready people work. People who have been in prison, they all take drugs, etc etc. Obviously he is different. He has integrity, is honest and upfront and works really hard.

The past year or so, every job he's been on has ended badly. Usually he starts really well. The last two jobs he's been on he's been made a foreman within days as the bosses realise they've got somene thay can trust. Unfortunately, this leads to trouble for Rob. He gets basically bullied, called names, people make trouble for him, and constantly get at him. They use his tools without asking and when he challenges them, they say things like, 'oh look at rob whining, why dont you tell the boss?' and stuff like that and its really getting him down. He's starting to think there's something wrong with him. Hes even talking about changing careers but when I mention it he says he cant do anything else as it wont earn enough so he has to stay.

The other thing is, I think he does get a little paranoid. He'll mention things I dont even consider. Like, if we go round to my mums he'll say, oh did you hear Mum say this, she was obviously meaning me. Or, did you see the way she looked at your auntie when I said that? I dont know whether to believe him or think he's paranoid because he can be oversensitive to things. So this makes me think, is it the same situation at work, does he interpret things wrongly? This never happens to me or anyone else I know. My Dad has had similar problems in the past but has overcome them. He does love being a decorator, its all the crap that he's been getting of late. He's not been sleeping and our lives seems like a constant conveyor belt. He hasnt had a holiday since our honeymoon because as he's self employed he cant afford time off. Does anyone have any ideas how this situation can be bettered? Its got to a point where I actually dont know what to say or how to deal with it. If anyones got any tips on this I'd appreciate it. Cheers x

[a-train]

What powers does he have as a foreman if he isn't the boss? The boss has power to hire and fire, to raise pay and cut pay, if he doesn't have this power, what makes him the foreman?

-a-train

[Aphrodite]

He runs a particular job, like he orders the paint, delegates people certain areas to work. In his last job he did have the power to hire and fire but this one he doesnt. Apparantly the main boss thinks the sun shines out of this particular blokes backside and wont have him fired. I keep telling him he's a dogsbody not a foreman. He didnt even get a pay rise. Ive told him to ask for one in the new year. Its a good point though, Ill have to ask him what the deal is with that.

[Elphaba]

He runs a particular job, like he orders the paint, delegates people certain areas to work. In his last job he did have the power to hire and fire but this one he doesnt. Apparantly the main boss thinks the sun shines out of this particular blokes backside and wont have him fired. I keep telling him he's a dogsbody not a foreman. He didnt even get a pay rise. Ive told him to ask for one in the new year. Its a good point though, Ill have to ask him what the deal is with that.

Early in my career I would be asked to be in charge of projects, and flattered, I would do so. It took a few times for me to realize it wasn't a compliment, but a set up.

I am not saying this is why you're husband is being asked to be the foreman. But if he is not being given the resources he needs to actually be the foreman, including the ability to discipline an employee's bad behavior, such as someone using his tools without permission, then he shouldn't accept the position. It will only add to his stress level.

Elphaba

[Aphrodite]

Elphaba, you have it spot on. It is a set up. They prey on his good nature. The trouble is, if he refuses, they could sack him, if he takes it, he gets crap. Hes just told me he's been moved to another job on his own anyway so hes not the foreman there.

[a-train]

Eeerrrcccchhhhhh! PUMP THE BRAKES!!!!!!!!

OK, the wife needs to take a deep breath and relax. A lot of very good jobs have been completely screwed up when the man starts taking occupational advice from the wife.

Ladies, we know that no one appreciates our hard work more than you and no matter how much we make, no matter how much time off we get, no matter how much benefits are thrown in, it isn't enough in your view. My Grandmother bothered my Grandad about raises, benefits, promotions, and so forth. My Mother bothered my Dad about it. My wife bothers me about it. It will never end and I am sure Eve was doing it to Adam.

Fellas, follow the wisdom handed down from the ancients: Don't let the wife make your occupational decisions.

A few years back, I finally gave in to the months of pecking my wife gave me about expanding my business and followed her advice. She is currently repenting and we will hopefully overcome the damage by the end of 2008 (four years after the decision was implemented).

My honest advice for you, Aphro, is give the man a break and let him sort it out. If he comes home saying something like: 'So and so is such a jerk at the job site.' or 'The boss wants me to put in some extra time and I hate it!' Understand that this is not an opportunity for you to give him a pep talk and send him off to battle. This is a time for you to hold him tight and give him kisses and sweets. That's all he needs. I promise.

My wife still has fears about our family's financial future. She has nightmares of bare cupboards in a dark, cold house with a bicycle in the garage. We have never gone without before. Our financial situation has done nothing but improve since our marriage. We have no indication that we will ever be ruined. But the what-ifs are always there.

So, imagine for a moment that your husband told you: 'My dad is actually a secret trillionare, we are fine.' Would this ease your concern? I doubt it. But imagine it did. The truth? His Dad is even richer than that! God is his Father and He knows how to give good gifts to His children. Trust the LORD and your husband and your life and his will be peaceful.

-a-train

[Aphrodite]

a-train,

you think this is about money??? You must have read the post all wrong. It's got absolutely nothing to do with money. And if his Dad was a trillionaire, yes I would still worry about it as the last part of my post indicated, it may not necesarilly be just work. Its about his own hapiness at work, and how he can deal with it, and how I can support him. Im not hounding him or pecking him or giving shock, horror, advice, I am concerned about him and how his work might be affecting his life in other ways. Trust a man to immediately think the woman's main concerns come back to money. I only told him to ask for a pay rise as he's been given extra responsibilities, therefore his wages should reflect that. Its not because, oh Im a woman and its never enough for me, i want more. Im upset you think I'm that shallow a-train. My hubby is putting me through university so I can qualify as a nurse. Do you think if I wanted money I'd become a nurse??? That says I want to care for people and couldnt give a toss about money or material possesions. What matters to me is me and my husbands own personal happiness and fulfilment, thats why I posted this post.

[a-train]

That's exactly what my wife would have said...

-a-train

[Palerider]

Its always tough to promoted from within. My opinion!!! The others remember what you were like before and etc. Its still difficult to manage people regardless. I am over about 10 people and I hear them calling me names as they or I walk away after I have just told them what needs to be done or to hurry up. Over the years I have built up enough leather that I just let it go. Its soemthing you gotta work thru. Unfortunately there is no remedy or solution for your husband. Good luck to him and you and if its a career change he needs then go for it. :)

[rusure]

I totally agree with Palerider.

And, would also like to say that maybe your hubby isn't cut out to be the foreman. Just because he's a dependable worker and respected for that doesn't mean he will make a good manager/supervisor. Like Palerider said, he developed a thick skin because you have to. If your husband is sensitive (the "paranoia" seems to hint at that), then he would do himself a favor to being the best worker bee, but passing on management positions. I used to be a program manager with a field team of sexist guys and it stunk. I'm still a PM now, but now with sexist guys. You could not pay me enough to go back to that and if that's all the opportunity there was, I would be happier being a worker bee than the boss.

[Guest Username-Removed]

Well, My two cents, let the person who has the job work out the job. Believe it or not, men like to talk once a while and vent a bit. You women, well you do the same thing. Who ever is on the receiving end just needs to put on a rain coat and relax. Talking it out is one of the ways a person (man or woman) figures things out - its a way to test the waters.

I have not been in the construction business, so I have no idea how much push back is allowed. Working in an office, I often find politics, at times somewhat challenging.

Generally speaking, I dont revile against those that revile, as that never got Thomas B Marsh anywhere. But, thats in the church. When I was inactive, that sort of thing, in certain situations, would be the last thing you'd want to do.

My advice - Get an umbrella to go along with that rain coat. JMHO

Mark

[pushka]

This is the 2nd time I've read this thread, and I've only just thought of what your husband may be suffering...a lack of self esteem and assertiveness. Obviously he would benefit from some assertiveness training, and perhaps some counselling in order to help raise his own image of himself...

I would look at the overall picture of how your husband relates to yourself, family members, friends and work colleagues...if he is really unhappy most of the time, possibly depressed even, then I would suggest he ask his GP if there is any help available to him from the Community Mental Health Services, or just via the GP surgery's own counselling service.

If he does not feel it is that serious, and doesn't want to go to see anybody about it, perhaps you could look up some books or websites that are designed to help in these areas.

I wish you all the best. :)

[Aphrodite]

Thanks to the last four posters. Great advice I'll think on it. Pushka, he does have self esteem problems which is hard for me to understand because a) he's perfect and B) I am a confident extrovert and cant understand low self esteem. This was my line of thinking, its more how he percieves things than a real actual problem, thats why I wanted others view of the situation. So thanks :)

[Elphaba]

Eeerrrcccchhhhhh! PUMP THE BRAKES!!!!!!!!

<snip>

a-train: That's what my wife would have said.

WordFLOOD: Well, My two cents, let the person who has the job work out the job. Believe it or not, men like to talk once a while and vent a bit. You women, well you do the same thing. Who ever is on the receiving end just needs to put on a rain coat and relax. Talking it out is one of the ways a person (man or woman) figures things out - its a way to test the waters.

a-train and WordFLOOD,

You men are so from Mars!

Elphaba

[Maureen]

...he does have self esteem problems which is hard for me to understand because a) he's perfect...

That might be part of his problem too. Your possible subconscious perception of your husband might be subconsciously causing him stress. Something to think about.

M.

[Annabelli]

This isn't church related but thought I could get some other peoples opinions on this.

My hubby's a painter and decorator and therefore spends a lot of time on building sites, where as you know, a lot of very rough and ready people work. People who have been in prison, they all take drugs, etc etc. Obviously he is different. He has integrity, is honest and upfront and works really hard.

The past year or so, every job he's been on has ended badly. Usually he starts really well. The last two jobs he's been on he's been made a foreman within days as the bosses realise they've got somene thay can trust. Unfortunately, this leads to trouble for Rob. He gets basically bullied, called names, people make trouble for him, and constantly get at him. They use his tools without asking and when he challenges them, they say things like, 'oh look at rob whining, why dont you tell the boss?' and stuff like that and its really getting him down. He's starting to think there's something wrong with him. Hes even talking about changing careers but when I mention it he says he cant do anything else as it wont earn enough so he has to stay.

The other thing is, I think he does get a little paranoid. He'll mention things I dont even consider. Like, if we go round to my mums he'll say, oh did you hear Mum say this, she was obviously meaning me. Or, did you see the way she looked at your auntie when I said that? I dont know whether to believe him or think he's paranoid because he can be oversensitive to things. So this makes me think, is it the same situation at work, does he interpret things wrongly? This never happens to me or anyone else I know. My Dad has had similar problems in the past but has overcome them. He does love being a decorator, its all the crap that he's been getting of late. He's not been sleeping and our lives seems like a constant conveyor belt. He hasnt had a holiday since our honeymoon because as he's self employed he cant afford time off. Does anyone have any ideas how this situation can be bettered? Its got to a point where I actually dont know what to say or how to deal with it. If anyones got any tips on this I'd appreciate it. Cheers x

If your husband is self employed (meaning he owns his own business), why is he someone else's foreman and jocking around in their company?

[pushka]

I have a friend who is a self employed builder, but he 'contracts' out to other companies so that he is temporarily in their employment..that could be the case with Aphrodite's husband too, perhaps?