Leaving The Church, But Interested To Know Something...

[wonderfulnewlife]

Hello there,

I spent 21 years in the LDS Church, and I am still a member. I plan on having my records removed from the church because I have found that I, personally, don't find what other people find here. I don't believe what my family believes, and suddenly I am not treated the same. They have stopped inviting me to family functions, they won't let me babysit my cousins... why? I am still the same person I have always been, are they afraid I am going to try and tell their children to leave with me? I would never do that. Faith is a very personal thing, and they don't believe that.

The reason I am here is to find out what many other LDS people think about my situation. I went through years of doubt before I made my decision, and I am happy with the choice I made.

Is it not against the very religion they claim to love so much to turn your back on your own family members?

[MorningStar]

Hello there,

I spent 21 years in the LDS Church, and I am still a member. I plan on having my records removed from the church because I have found that I, personally, don't find what other people find here. I don't believe what my family believes, and suddenly I am not treated the same. They have stopped inviting me to family functions, they won't let me babysit my cousins... why? I am still the same person I have always been, are they afraid I am going to try and tell their children to leave with me? I would never do that. Faith is a very personal thing, and they don't believe that.

The reason I am here is to find out what many other LDS people think about my situation. I went through years of doubt before I made my decision, and I am happy with the choice I made.

Is it not against the very religion they claim to love so much to turn your back on your own family members?

I don't know you or your family, so this is hard to answer, but my dad left the church when I was little and I grew up wondering if he thought I was an idiot for believing. I think your family probably has some fears right now, like if you're going to try to persuade them to leave, which you're probably not. Just give them some time and be your usual wonderful self with them. You probably had a long time to adjust to the idea of leaving and most likely it is a shock for your family and very upsetting to them. I know it was a long adjustment for my mom. We've actually had many relatives leave, but we love them just the same. I must admit though that when certain subjects are brought up, there is some cautiousness and you wonder if they'll try to sneak something in to plant a seed of doubt. My dad was pretty good, but if he got the opportunity, he would chime in. Such as, once I complained about this YW activity where they had us go feed the Young Men lunch while they were chopping wood. I thought it was lame and that we could've done something much more useful - why couldn't they bring their own lunch? I felt it was demeaning to go be their servant girls, but I blamed this on the lady who planned the activity. My dad made some comment like, "Oh yeah, the church really does teach women to be subserviant to men ..." Blah blah blah. This was a really lame comment coming from the man who does practically nothing around the house, never makes dinner, and can't even keep track of when he's running out of clean underwear! And he expected my mom to work full time.

Anyway, I'm sad to hear that you're leaving and I hope your family will love you unconditionally.

:)

MorningStar

[wonderfulnewlife]

Thank you for the reply, I have to admit I thought my post would be ignored...

I have been as faithful as most of you are right now. It's not my position to take faith away from someone else. If what you believe makes sense to you, and it makes you happy... I am happy for you.

You are probably right about them being afraid that I will plant doubt, but if they are so faithful what are they afraid of? It makes me sad to think that I am the happiest I have ever been, but now my family wants nothing to do with me. There is something wrong with this... and I am not the one doing anything wrong. They should love me the same no matter what, and now I feel their love was very conditional.

Thank you again for your time and for your opinion. I appreciate it.

[Maya]

Just wondering why would it not be enough to just become inactive...why bother remove from the books? Just tell the visiting people no thanks for visiting.... I too am sure your family is afraid someone else in the family might follow you. Even though they may seen very confident in their belief... no one is that all the time and then they might find out to follow you. Since you donot seem to ahve the same values as they do they are confused on WHAT are your values. They are afraid you choose worlds values, which seems pretty obvious you will do if you plan mooving the records.

Maybe they believe you do not care for such as family gettogethers as family cant mean that much for you as you resighn the thing they value most. Talk with them expalin you are the smeand listen to what they say. Maybe they have noticed a change in you that you have not.

Good luck with life.

[Jeny]

Please don't take my response as in any way judgmental for it is not ment to be...but the Bible says, "Come out from among them and be ye separate, saith the Lord."

Maybe your family is just trying to keep the "cancer" of unbelief away from their children. I know that sounds harsh and I am sorry to come across that way, but it is my belief that Satan has sifted you, and it is possible that your family members feel that way, too. I am sorry that you are choosing to leave the church...I believe that you are making the biggest mistake of your eternal soul...

...That said, I understand how you feel!! I have left the Baptist church that I grew up in and my family is treating me in much the same way, my sister has gone so far as to stop speaking to me, my niece as well. I am not allowed around their children, I am not invited to family picnics and get togethers...I am an "apostate" as far as they are concerned.

...I don't expect you to agree with me about the mistake I believe that you are making, as you said: Faith is something that is very personal, and this is just my personal belief. I am only sharing it because you invited response.

I will be praying for you.

Yed.

[wonderfulnewlife]

Just wondering why would it not be enough to just become inactive...why bother remove from the books? Just tell the visiting people no thanks for visiting.... I too am sure your family is afraid someone else in the family might follow you. Even though they may seen very confident in their belief... no one is that all the time and then they might find out to follow you. Since you donot seem to ahve the same values as they do they are confused on WHAT are your values. They are afraid you choose worlds values, which seems pretty obvious you will do if you plan mooving the records.

Maybe they believe you do not care for such as family gettogethers as family cant mean that much for you as you resighn the thing they value most. Talk with them expalin you are the smeand listen to what they say. Maybe they have noticed a change in you that you have not.

Good luck with life.

It's not enough to just become inactive because of what I believe. I am not going to go into details, but it's important to me that I am not LDS. If you like it, fine... not bashing in any way.

My values are the same as they have always been. Just because I stopped believing in the church doesn't immediately turn me into a complete sinner. I just believe different things.

When I was active LDS I found my friends in the church to be extremely critical of those who were not in the church, or believed something different. Different isn't always wrong.

I have been very honest with them, and very patient. It's sad they are acting this way.

[bunnzy]

My sister is like you, she has left the church and is living her life.

I do not isolate her because of it (in fact at times i am a little envious) i always think of the article of faith thats says 'let any man worship who, where, or what they may' and am appalled at how many LDS do nto follow this. We need to respect everones beliefs.

[wonderfulnewlife]

Please don't take my response as in any way judgmental for it is not ment to be...but the Bible says, "Come out from among them and be ye separate, saith the Lord."

Maybe your family is just trying to keep the "cancer" of unbelief away from their children. I know that sounds harsh and I am sorry to come across that way, but it is my belief that Satan has sifted you, and it is possible that your family members feel that way, too. I am sorry that you are choosing to leave the church...I believe that you are making the biggest mistake of your eternal soul...

...That said, I understand how you feel!! I have left the Baptist church that I grew up in and my family is treating me in much the same way, my sister has gone so far as to stop speaking to me, my niece as well. I am not allowed around their children, I am not invited to family picnics and get togethers...I am an "apostate" as far as they are concerned.

...I don't expect you to agree with me about the mistake I believe that you are making, as you said: Faith is something that is very personal, and this is just my personal belief. I am only sharing it because you invited response.

I will be praying for you.

Yed.

I understand why you believe that Satan has sifted me, and that my family is trying to keep the "cancer" of unbelief away from their children. I remember hearing things like that in Sacrament meetings. I also understand you are firm in your beliefs, and I respect other's thoughts and beliefs.

Thing is, I am the same person I have always been. The LDS church taught me that we should honor and love our family, because they are the most important thing... what I am seeing is that the Church is the most important thing... and their love for me is conditional.

You think I am making a mistake by making the decision to have my name taken off the records, and I believe you are making a mistake by believing what you believe. It's o.k. to have different thoughts and beliefs, it's o.k.!! I don't understand why so many people are stuck on, "If you don't go to church where I go to church you are not my friend/family." It's crazy to me. Just crazy.

[wonderfulnewlife]

My sister is like you, she has left the church and is living her life.

I do not isolate her because of it (in fact at times i am a little envious) i always think of the article of faith thats says 'let any man worship who, where, or what they may' and am appalled at how many LDS do nto follow this. We need to respect everones beliefs.

Thank you for not isolating your sister. I say that for all the people like me who are basically disowned.

[Jeny]

I understand why you believe that Satan has sifted me, and that my family is trying to keep the "cancer" of unbelief away from their children. I remember hearing things like that in Sacrament meetings. I also understand you are firm in your beliefs, and I respect other's thoughts and beliefs.

Thing is, I am the same person I have always been. The LDS church taught me that we should honor and love our family, because they are the most important thing... what I am seeing is that the Church is the most important thing... and their love for me is conditional.

You think I am making a mistake by making the decision to have my name taken off the records, and I believe you are making a mistake by believing what you believe. It's o.k. to have different thoughts and beliefs, it's o.k.!! I don't understand why so many people are stuck on, "If you don't go to church where I go to church you are not my friend/family." It's crazy to me. Just crazy.

I never once said that I am not your friend nor will I not converse with you! I have a dear friend who has been my friend for 15 years...she does not even believe in G-d...we remain friends! I am not going to desert her! I said what I thought was the reason that your family is disowning you, I did not say that it was right! Well, I DID say that G-d said to be separate, but I believe that you can be separate without disowning! I live a separate life from my friend, but she is still my friend! And I DO know what you are going through and how you feel! I am on a different angle, but I left the church that I grew up in, Too!

...I understand that we disagree...but we can still be friends and I will still pray for you...you can pray for ME if you like! I won't be offended!! I need all the prayers that I can get!!!

What I said to you, I said in sincerity! I believe what I said...I may be wrong and only time will tell, but my words come from my heart in love, my friend!

[wonderfulnewlife]

I never once said that I am not your friend nor will I not converse with you! I have a dear friend who has been my friend for 15 years...she does not even believe in G-d...we remain friends! I am not going to desert her! I said what I thought was the reason that your family is disowning you, I did not say that it was right! Well, I DID say that G-d said to be separate, but I believe that you can be separate without disowning! I live a separate life from my friend, but she is still my friend! And I DO know what you are going through and how you feel! I am on a different angle, but I left the church that I grew up in, Too!

...I understand that we disagree...but we can still be friends and I will still pray for you...you can pray for ME if you like! I won't be offended!! I need all the prayers that I can get!!!

What I said to you, I said in sincerity! I believe what I said...I may be wrong and only time will tell, but my words come from my heart in love, my friend!

I think you took my reply wrong... I didn't mean to sound like I thought you wouldn't converse with me. This post is proof that you would. I think that if you could hear the tone of my voice instead of reading the words you would have understood more clearly. Sorry about that.

I just find it hypocritical that my family claims to believe that family is the most important thing, and yet tosses me aside because I don't believe what they believe. I actually feel sorry for them, because they are missing out on knowing me... I am a good person, I am honest, polite, and I treat people how I would like to be treated. Which is more than I can say for them.

I think I am done here... I seem to be causing more controversy than I wanted to. Thank you all very much for your time. Good luck to you all.

[Jeny]

The LDS church taught me that we should honor and love our family, because they are the most important thing... what I am seeing is that the Church is the most important thing... and their love for me is conditional.

I agree with you that this is wrong and uncalled for and completely apposed to what we supposedly believe in this church!! They are human, but they are wrong. I am so sorry that you are hurt by this!! I will pray that the Holy Spirit will touch their hearts!!

...I DO know how you feel, ya know...

I am going through much the same thing in my own family.

[Jeny]

I think you took my reply wrong... I didn't mean to sound like I thought you wouldn't converse with me. This post is proof that you would. I think that if you could hear the tone of my voice instead of reading the words you would have understood more clearly. Sorry about that.

I just find it hypocritical that my family claims to believe that family is the most important thing, and yet tosses me aside because I don't believe what they believe. I actually feel sorry for them, because they are missing out on knowing me... I am a good person, I am honest, polite, and I treat people how I would like to be treated. Which is more than I can say for them.

I think I am done here... I seem to be causing more controversy than I wanted to. Thank you all very much for your time. Good luck to you all.

Please don't leave!! I am not offended by ANYTHING that has been typed!! We have people who come out here who are not believers and we get along just fine!! You are welcome here and maybe you can work through some of those feeling by talking to us!! I didn't mean to sound harsh!! I am really a "teddy bear" once you get to know me!!!

[Daniel]

I think you took my reply wrong... I didn't mean to sound like I thought you wouldn't converse with me. This post is proof that you would. I think that if you could hear the tone of my voice instead of reading the words you would have understood more clearly. Sorry about that.

I just find it hypocritical that my family claims to believe that family is the most important thing, and yet tosses me aside because I don't believe what they believe. I actually feel sorry for them, because they are missing out on knowing me... I am a good person, I am honest, polite, and I treat people how I would like to be treated. Which is more than I can say for them.

I think I am done here... I seem to be causing more controversy than I wanted to. Thank you all very much for your time. Good luck to you all.

You are in good company here. I will tell you what I tell my Quorum members. We are all on different journeys back to Heavenly Father. Everyone is at their own level. None of us should judge one another because we may be at a different level spiritually then the person sitting next to us. It's not a contest, everyone must find their own way, that is why we Heavenly Father gave us agency. Our job as members is to help those that want to be helped and to love those that chose differently then we do.

Good luck on your journey,

QuorumPrez

[charity]

Thing is, I am the same person I have always been. The LDS church taught me that we should honor and love our family, because they are the most important thing... what I am seeing is that the Church is the most important thing... and their love for me is conditional.

No, you aren't the same person you have always been. You are now an unbeliever. This shouldn't mean that your family doesn't love you any more. But the relationship is different. And yes, our relationship with our Savior is the most important thing, above any other individual.

When a person leaves the Church, that is worse than death to the believing family members. They are in deep grief. You are not the victim here. Since you have dealt the blow, it is up to you to do what you can for them. If you love them unconditionally, that is.

[wonderfulnewlife]

No, you aren't the same person you have always been. You are now an unbeliever. This shouldn't mean that your family doesn't love you any more. But the relationship is different. And yes, our relationship with our Savior is the most important thing, above any other individual.

When a person leaves the Church, that is worse than death to the believing family members. They are in deep grief. You are not the victim here. Since you have dealt the blow, it is up to you to do what you can for them. If you love them unconditionally, that is.

I did say that I wasn't going to reply anymore, but your post upset me a great deal.

Firstly, Yes... I AM the same person I have always been. My morals, my love for my family hasn't changed. I understand you believe that your relationship with your savior is the most important thing, but it's easy to forget that treating people as you would want to be treated is living how the savior wants us to live.

I am not claiming to be a victim, I am asking a question as to why a family would turn it's back on someone they are supposed to love unconditionally? Of course I love them unconditionally, if I didn't I wouldn't be on an LDS board asking questions, would I?

You are very quick to judge me and what I have done, yet you have no idea of the amount of prayer and studying I did before I made my decision. I am different than you, but that doesn't make me less of a person, or less of a child of God. That being said, Goodbye for real this time. I really mean it. I don't plan on coming back and getting judged again.

[jadams_4040]

It's not enough to just become inactive because of what I believe. I am not going to go into details, but it's important to me that I am not LDS. If you like it, fine... not bashing in any way.

My values are the same as they have always been. Just because I stopped believing in the church doesn't immediately turn me into a complete sinner. I just believe different things.

When I was active LDS I found my friends in the church to be extremely critical of those who were not in the church, or believed something different. Different isn't always wrong.

I have been very honest with them, and very patient. It's sad they are acting this way.

Every time in my life when i start to slip away i "always" notice the differance in the lack of spiritual guidance,

And i dont like it. its much, much better to enjoy the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost.

Have you ever felt the differance. Or do you now, or have you ever truly felt his guidance in the past?

I,m sure you have, And i,m sure you will miss it. May God bless you.

[charity]

I tried to pm this, but it bounced back.

What I said to you said nothing about how carefully or thoughtfully you made your decision. But you cannot deny the basic fact that morals, personality, etc. are not what makes up the totality of an individual. There is a very basic difference between believers and non believers.

Now, you do not share with your believing family members the most important part of their existence. They can easily, even if wrongly, see you turning your back on what had been your faith to be the same action to them. They shouldn't, but some of them probably do, ask "how can you do this to me?" Your parents feel they have lost a child. They may be asking themselves anguished questions about what they did wrong, how did they fail you? If they mention Church activities, or going to the temple in your presence, there is probably some hestitation now.

We have all been taught "he that is not with me, is against me." If you are not a believer anymore, that puts you in that camp, whether you act benignly or not. Maybe you aren't on Temple Square waving a placard, but your siblings have to answer uncomfortable questions about why "Uncle/Aunt doesn't go to Church anymore." What do they say that a child can understand?

Remember, it is not them that changed. It is you. It is your responsbility to reassure them that they aren't at fault, that you still love them, and calm their fears.

You ask for their unconditional love, that no matter what you do, they don't change. That is an unrealistic expectation.

I don't know your mind, but I have seen this in the actions of others. They want to do what they want to do, and they want to chose the consequences. We have our agency. We can chose. But the consequences are fixed. You can jump off a bridge if you want, but you can't chose not to land hard on the rocks below.

[Jeny]

I did say that I wasn't going to reply anymore, but your post upset me a great deal.

Firstly, Yes... I AM the same person I have always been. My morals, my love for my family hasn't changed. I understand you believe that your relationship with your savior is the most important thing, but it's easy to forget that treating people as you would want to be treated is living how the savior wants us to live.

I am not claiming to be a victim, I am asking a question as to why a family would turn it's back on someone they are supposed to love unconditionally? Of course I love them unconditionally, if I didn't I wouldn't be on an LDS board asking questions, would I?

You are very quick to judge me and what I have done, yet you have no idea of the amount of prayer and studying I did before I made my decision. I am different than you, but that doesn't make me less of a person, or less of a child of God. That being said, Goodbye for real this time. I really mean it. I don't plan on coming back and getting judged again.

You sound hurt, angry and wounded and I hurt for you! I am sorry you have decided that we are all going to judge you...you will miss out on some really nice people up here..but that is your decision..good luck on your journey, I hope you find what you are looking for!! :)

[Pa Pa]

Hello there,

I spent 21 years in the LDS Church, and I am still a member. I plan on having my records removed from the church because I have found that I, personally, don't find what other people find here. I don't believe what my family believes, and suddenly I am not treated the same. They have stopped inviting me to family functions, they won't let me babysit my cousins... why? I am still the same person I have always been, are they afraid I am going to try and tell their children to leave with me? I would never do that. Faith is a very personal thing, and they don't believe that.

The reason I am here is to find out what many other LDS people think about my situation. I went through years of doubt before I made my decision, and I am happy with the choice I made.

Is it not against the very religion they claim to love so much to turn your back on your own family members?

If I may ask...why are you leaving? Can we help? I have seen other posts. Your family will come around, give it time.

Pa Pa

[Guest prnldsfrms]

I know this is in the intro section, but why isn't it considered a personal thread that should be banned under the rules? As I understand it, the OP told his mom that he would participate in more LDS oriented lists, and his post here was to honor that deal. OP re-posted some of the posts he got here in response, with some level of derision, on another list, which I'm quit sure is NOT what his mother had in mind. (Though I have to admit that as I have read his posts in various forums, he seems lost and he has real reason to question the Christlike behavior of those who surround him if his descriptions are even partially accurate.)

I hope that God will put some good examples in his path, and that he will be open enough to see them.

[Steele]

[...]

Remember, it is not them that changed. It is you. It is your responsbility to reassure them that they aren't at fault, that you still love them, and calm their fears.

[...]

Very well said, Charity, and your first post, too. You seemed to have struck a chord in wondernewlife, and nothing reverberates quite like the truth. wonderfulnewlife has changed -- she even said it herself, saying now she was now the happiest she's been in a long time, or something like that. Obviously she's changed -- the only thing is that she sees this change as good, her family sees the change as sad, and she wants them to feel the same way about this change as she does. I'm sure her family still loves her; they're just not real excited about this decision of hers.

She also said, "It's sad they are acting this way." Unfortunately her family is thinking the same thing about her.

wonderfulnewlife, I know you're still out there, and I wish you the best.

[Garden Girl]

Hello wonderful...

You said you were leaving, so you may not even see this... BUT, surely you understand that your family is hurt and are actually "grieving" at your turning away. This has eternal implications for the family... I believe they will come around in the near future... they just need time to get used to your choice.

I grew up a very faithful LDS young woman... but broke my folks' heart when I eloped and married my non-LDS husband... in Las Vegas no less, instead of a temple. It took some time before they could accept my hubby... but they did when they saw that I was happy and safe, and what a good man he was. Eventually I became inactive for many years but never removed my name from Church records, and through all of these years my folks treated us wonderfully and came to love my dh dearly. I retained threads of my testimony through the years, and finally 12 years ago I reactivated, stronger than ever.

If you aren't a believer, you aren't a believer... but it's as if you've slapped them in the face...you need to be patient with your family while they adjust... they still love you...

I really do wish you well...

The Garden Girl

[Guest moreholinessgiveme]

Hello there,

I spent 21 years in the LDS Church, and I am still a member. I plan on having my records removed from the church because I have found that I, personally, don't find what other people find here. I don't believe what my family believes, and suddenly I am not treated the same. They have stopped inviting me to family functions, they won't let me babysit my cousins... why? I am still the same person I have always been, are they afraid I am going to try and tell their children to leave with me? I would never do that. Faith is a very personal thing, and they don't believe that.

The reason I am here is to find out what many other LDS people think about my situation. I went through years of doubt before I made my decision, and I am happy with the choice I made.

Is it not against the very religion they claim to love so much to turn your back on your own family members?

I'd say that your friends and family are probably struggling with your decision and don't know how to act / be around you right now.

Try to treat them with patience and compassion. Pray for them that they can respond to you in more Christlike ways. They're only human...and like you...are doing the best they can.

I pray that the Lord will remain with you and lead you.

[maverik78]

Hello there,

I spent 21 years in the LDS Church, and I am still a member. I plan on having my records removed from the church because I have found that I, personally, don't find what other people find here. I don't believe what my family believes, and suddenly I am not treated the same. They have stopped inviting me to family functions, they won't let me babysit my cousins... why? I am still the same person I have always been, are they afraid I am going to try and tell their children to leave with me? I would never do that. Faith is a very personal thing, and they don't believe that.

The reason I am here is to find out what many other LDS people think about my situation. I went through years of doubt before I made my decision, and I am happy with the choice I made.

Is it not against the very religion they claim to love so much to turn your back on your own family members?

In my own opinion

I think the biggest issue in this situation is the lack of communication. I have seen it a lot where families can be tore apart simply by not communicating with each other and not communicating with our Father in Heaven. The Church is a means to understand how to do these things. It's not the teachings of the church that lead people astray, it's the people not applying the teachings of the Gospel to their lives. If everyone was doing what they were supposed to then the communication would follow and so would the understanding that we are all God's children and we all have the opportunity to learn and grow no matter what we have done in the past.