After Much Needed Therapy The Answer Has Finely C

[Winnie G]

My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a little girl, she'd bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat.

Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on a public toilet seat. And she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat.

But by this time, I'd have wet down my leg and we'd go home.

That was a long time ago. Even now in our more mature years, The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder is especially full.

When you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Nelly's underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling politely. And you finally get closer.

Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter.

You hang your purse on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume "The Stance." Relief. More relief. Then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The Stance as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper. The toilet paper dispenser is empty. Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on, that's in your purse. It would have to do. You crumble it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work and your purse whams you in the head. "Occupied!" you scream as you reach out for the door, dropping your tissue in a puddle and falling backward, directly onto the toilet seat. You get up quickly, but it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that there was any, even if you had enough time to. And your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, "You don't know what kind of diseases you could get."

And by this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged to China.

At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the splashing water.

You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chicklet wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile politely at this point. One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River! You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and say warmly, "Here, you might need this."

At this time, you see your man, who has entered, used and exited his bathroom and read a copy of "War and Peace" while waiting for you.

"What took you so long?" he asks, annoyed. This is when you kick him sharply in the shin and go home.

This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public toilet. And it finally explains to all you men what takes us so long.

PS - The answer to the other question, why women go in pairs. So the other woman can hold the door and hand you Kleenex.

[lash4160]

Thats pretty neat and reminds me of when I was truckin and took my wife

and daughters on the truck and I heard alot about it so I understand

what you go though. But wait until your in rush hour traffic and it is

going slow and you have to go so bad that it makes you cry and finilly

parking your rig and carefully making it to the bathroom to find that

you have to wait in line for a stall to open.

So there are a few of us who knows where this comes from.

Lash B)

[StrawberryFields]

Oh My Heck Winnie!

I have not had that good of a laugh in a very long time!

Thanks, I NEEDED THAT!

SF

[Guest curvette]

I confess, I'm a public toilet-a-phobic as well. This is why those Asian style squatty-pottys are so superior. They are disgusting looking and smelling, but your skin never touches them.

[Guest TheProudDuck]

Newport Beach municipal public toilets manage to get the worst of all worlds. They're basically stainless-steel pots without lids, slightly lower than regular toilets. Since they don't have lids, you definitely don't want to sit on them, especially in men's rooms. (The marksmanship of the American male has apparently declined dramatically now that we've all moved to cities and stopped hunting for our dinners.) On the other hand, they're just high enough that you can't squat Asian-style, either. (Yes, this is graphic, but I'm assuming that anyone who'd be offended wouldn't have gotten halfway through Winnie's initial post.) One is forced into a kind of absurd hunchback stance, which is horribly uncomfortable and involves further risks which I won't get into. To make things worse, there are no doors on the stalls. The only solution is to use the last stall in the row, and announce your presence loudly when you hear any footsteps if you don't want to be seen contorted into some obscene Abu-Ghraib-style position in a state of significant undress.

[Guest curvette]

Originally posted by TheProudDuck@May 12 2004, 05:34 PM

The only solution is to use the last stall in the row, and announce your presence loudly when you hear any footsteps if you don't want to be seen contorted into some obscene Abu-Ghraib-style position in a state of significant undress.

HaHa! It makes you wonder how many guys have been arrested for indecent exposure when they really were just trying to take a dump! (crude, sorry...)

[Guest Starsky]

Just take some lysol spray in a small spray bottle and use the tp to wash off the seat....LOL....or just go and then pull out your wipes and give yourself the wipe down....LOL...if your are in too big a hurry...

Of course these days they all have those toilet covers ....

[Guest lt]

Winnie, we love ya, I know I can always ###### on a good laugh with you.

Laureltree

[Rodney]

Originally posted by LaurelTree@May 14 2004, 11:55 PM

Winnie, we love ya, I know I can always ###### on a good laugh with you.

Laureltree

Yowzah!! LT getting censored!!?? Surely it's all gone way too far. Janet J. has one heckuva lot to answer for. Though it is fun guessing what that "bad" word might have been. You didn't accidentally leave the "o" out of "count," did you?

[Lindy]

Originally posted by Rodney@May 15 2004, 11:51 AM

Yowzah!! LT getting censored!!?? Surely it's all gone way too far. Janet J. has one heckuva lot to answer for. Though it is fun guessing what that "bad" word might have been. You didn't accidentally leave the "o" out of "count," did you?

OH MY HECK.....

I laughed so hard, I think that I now need to go check out the arrangements in the ladies room!

[Guest lt]

I guess I might have, my vission is getting worse with age lol lol. accidents do happen

[Guest curvette]

Originally posted by LaurelTree@May 16 2004, 07:35 PM

I guess I might have, my vission is getting worse with age lol lol. accidents do happen

a freudian slip, perhaps?

[Guest Yediyd]

Originally posted by LaurelTree@May 16 2004, 07:35 PM

I guess I might have, my vission is getting worse with age lol lol. accidents do happen

a freudian slip, perhaps?

ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sixpacktr]

Winnie,

Your mother sounds like my wife. Her world is full of germs and strange diseases waiting to catch the unsuspecting.

Thanks for the laugh. Actually, the teary eyed laugh. The best humor is always that which is more true than not.

Reminds me of the old joke that is told on many college campuses:

A Utah State student, Utah student, and BYU student all enter a restroom together. After finishing their business, the Utah State student proudly states: At Utah State, they teach us to wash our hands after we use the bathroom!

The Utah student smiles and proudly announces: At Utah, they teach us to wash up to our elbows after using the bathroom!

The BYU student mutters under his breath: at BYU, they teach us not to pee on our hands!

And once again, as I have told my girls for years, I am SO GLAD I AM A MAN! I can use a tree if need be, for heaven's sake!

[Dr T]

That's good Six. Thanks

[Canuck Mormon]

Winnie,

Your mother sounds like my wife. Her world is full of germs and strange diseases waiting to catch the unsuspecting.

Thanks for the laugh. Actually, the teary eyed laugh. The best humor is always that which is more true than not.

Reminds me of the old joke that is told on many college campuses:

A Utah State student, Utah student, and BYU student all enter a restroom together. After finishing their business, the Utah State student proudly states: At Utah State, they teach us to wash our hands after we use the bathroom!

The Utah student smiles and proudly announces: At Utah, they teach us to wash up to our elbows after using the bathroom!

The BYU student mutters under his breath: at BYU, they teach us not to pee on our hands!

And once again, as I have told my girls for years, I am SO GLAD I AM A MAN! I can use a tree if need be, for heaven's sake!

This what I keep telling my 8 years old son!! He's slowly catching on. I guess living with his mom has had an effect on him, he never wants to stand up and ### (self-sensored)

[Vanilla]

I read this earlier this morning and it honestly brought tears to my eyes...and then I had to pass it on to all of my female friends, many of which have called or replied saying that they too had laughed until they cried! It would not be so funny if it wasn't 100% true, right down to the wadded up tissue!