Are all young men to serve a mission?

[Flyonthewall]

My son got his patriarchal blessing at age 17. Normally when a young man gets his patriarchal blessings it will touch upon his upcoming mission. My son's blessing had not a word about a mission.

My wife's first thought was "oh no! what if he dies?" My son is now 19, and wants nothing to do with a mission.

We are told that all the blessings are based upon our faithfulness. Well if there is nothing about a mission, is that an idicator that in this specific situation, a mission is optional?

What are the thoughts of others on this?

[sixpacktr]

Not knowing the particulars, it is hard to say. Pres Kimball did state that all worthy YM should serve a mission. Also, remember that a PB doesn't necessarily state every facet of your life. There are areas that are left 'blank' if you will.

To me (and this is my opinion, strictly that), all YM should strive to serve a mission. It is part of their PH responsibility. But not all YM do, and they won't be condemned for it, I believe. They do miss out on blessings that they can never go back and 'get' if you will, but that happens to all of us from time to time.

You, as his father, know much more about the situation your son is in. Maybe you wish to encourage him, have him called as a ward missionary to work with the FT missionaries so that he can catch the vision?

Or not...

[crytsprospect]

As a youth I use to go out with the missionaries and enjoyed it but choose a different path for a lot of sad, difficult reasons. I know that I will serve again in some capacity as there are so many missionary opportunities besides the 2yr ones. I don't feel everyone is meant to go on a 2yr mission but most are. I just saw a few weeks ago a movie on BYU TV about being on a mission I think it was called The best two years it is based on a play and takes place in Norway. It was so good. If any of you haven't seen its a must see.

[Flyonthewall]

Not knowing the particulars, it is hard to say. Pres Kimball did state that all worthy YM should serve a mission. Also, remember that a PB doesn't necessarily state every facet of your life. There are areas that are left 'blank' if you will.

To me (and this is my opinion, strictly that), all YM should strive to serve a mission. It is part of their PH responsibility. But not all YM do, and they won't be condemned for it, I believe. They do miss out on blessings that they can never go back and 'get' if you will, but that happens to all of us from time to time.

You, as his father, know much more about the situation your son is in. Maybe you wish to encourage him, have him called as a ward missionary to work with the FT missionaries so that he can catch the vision?

Or not...

My wife and I have always encouraged him to go on a mission, and he kept telling us, up until his 19th birthday that he would be going.

He is in a period of his life that whatever I suggest and promote, he will push the opposite direction.

I don't know where it comes from, but he states that he has a testimony but hates the ward. I ask him "what about the ward do you hate?", and I get "I don't know, I just do".

My feeling is that I cannot and will not force him to go on a mission, because if he is not willing to go then it would be a waste of time and effort.

[MorningStar]

Patriarchal Blessings leave out a lot for many people. One friend of mine - her blessing is one paragraph long and speaks mostly about being obedient. It says nothing about her husband and four children, or the fact the she would lose two children.

My brother didn't go until he was 21. If you let him be, he might decide on his own to go. Just keep praying for him. :)

[Flyonthewall]

Patriarchal Blessings leave out a lot for many people. One friend of mine - her blessing is one paragraph long and speaks mostly about being obedient. It says nothing about her husband and four children, or the fact the she would lose two children.

My brother didn't go until he was 21. If you let him be, he might decide on his own to go. Just keep praying for him. :)

I have backed off trying to "father" him in the direction I want, and am letting him make his own decisions. I have told him that I will help him in whatever he wants to accomplish, but I will not go in and do it for him. I beleive he is an immature 19 year old and maybe needs some emotional maturity.

[WANDERER]

Are there other options than the traditional mission available...service missionary?

[MorningStar]

I have backed off trying to "father" him in the direction I want, and am letting him make his own decisions. I have told him that I will help him in whatever he wants to accomplish, but I will not go in and do it for him. I beleive he is an immature 19 year old and maybe needs some emotional maturity.

My brother put his off because he wanted to marry his girlfriend. He finally changed his mind though. Later he told me, "I was a loser until I went on my mission." I don't think he was a loser, but he grew up a lot.

[tubaloth]

Don't get in the habbit of letting your PB run your whole life! Does it talk about paying tithing in his blessing? Is everything spelled out in a PB! NO!

The point of a PB is to guid him in his life! not to be a manual for every aspect of his life!

He needs to go on a mission!!!!!

I think you need to get to the bottom of this more then what he is hinting on. I think he needs to have a talk with his bishop. I assume he is planing on getting the Mel Priesthood soon? I assume he wants to go to the temple, get marred in the temple? Why doesn't he want to go on a mission, is he just scared of it! Trust me I was scared of going on a mission. But I also was scared of going on to college, so I thought I probably could do better on a mission then getting grades in school.

This is the time in his life that is going to set him up for really the rest of his life! Does he have a Testamony of the Gospel? Of Joseph Smith, of Jesus Christ and the restoration! Does he know this is the truth church!!!????

Doubts in any of these areas are natruall! Every member of the church has to face this! (I had to, when I started my mission). IF you just let him struge this off now, then when is he going to gain that testimony! Next year? In 10 years? 20 years?

He needs to go! You can't force Him to go! What you are trying to do is get him to give you a really really good reason why he isn't going to go!

My dad never went on a mission, and was kind of less active for most of his life Until he hit 40. My Dads life would be completly different if he would have just went on a mission! I truely do believe that you learn as much on a mission (about the gospel and life) then you would in the next 10 years of your life.

He needs to go on a mission!!!!!

[WillowTheWhisp]

We had a missionary on our Ward who didn't want to be on a mission. He ended up being sent home before his 2 years were up and he subsequently left the church. My late husband was WML at the time and this young man was a burden to his companions. It was clear he had no interest in what he was doing.

I don't think anyone should be pushed into serving a mission. Will people he meets feel the spirit when they talk to him if he doesn't feel the spirit himself? Serving a mission is far more than just going through the motions.

Another young man I knew from England went out and served a mission and everyone thought how great it was that he'd gone and done it. He too is now inactive.

Perhaps Heavenly Father knew when your son received his Patriarchal Blessing that he would not be fired up with enthusiasm for going on a mission. Perhaps we aren't giving Heavenly Father enough credit here. If he were my son I would be more concerned that he gain a personal testimony. Maybe I'm wrong as I have no sons and it's just a personal opinion.

What would I do about it? Well in your position I would stop thinking along the lines of "what is expected by the Church" and start thinking along the lines of "What does Heavenly Father want us to do here?" It may not be the same answer.

I know this is a totally different situation but many years ago my husband and I tried to move house. We wanted a slightly larger house and we thought it would be great if we moved closer to the chapel, less travelling and all that. Well we looked at houses round that area but every time something went wrong. We kept praying to find a house that would meet our requirements and be close to the chapel. Then one day we stopped praying it that way and just asked Heavenly Father to show us where he'd like us to live - we got a house. It was the right size. It actually cost a little less than the ones we had looked at. It was nowhere near the chapel.In fact it was in a different town several miles away but having lived in it for years I have seen all the things we were able to do by living here that we would never have been able to do if we had lived near the chapel. Heavely Father knew more about it than we did. He always does.

[Elgama]

I completely agree with Willow on this your son and yourself are in a much better position to receive revelation

The bar has been raised for missionaries since Spencer W Kimball - and what a difference it has made like Willow said before the bar was raised we would at least once or twice a year get missionaries that didn't want to be there, most went inactive later, or had been bribed by their parents, it was expected of them etc, since the bar has been raised the caliber of missionaries has grown considerably, not one I have had for dinner since has been less than amazing spiritualy and everyone has been enthusiastic and grows with their mission. And a lot of the missionaries are older choosing to come when they are ready or have increased education. I do appreciate this has lead to a shortage of missionaries (right now our branch doesn't have any) - but its also a great joy to see, I may not like every missionary I have for dinner now, but its much easier to appreciate a young man that is confident in his faith and why he is there, than have to Mother a depressed young man who can't cope, and has no testimony, he's just wasting his time and that of the people he teaches.

LDS.org - Ensign Article - Raising the Bar

I for one will be encouraging my son to be prepared to serve a mission, educationally, physically, emotionally etc but I will NOT be insisting he goes its his decision to make. I have a strong testimony that the new revelation and instruction from our General Authorities is particularly important as missions become more dangerous and difficult.

-Charley

[Flyonthewall]

I am not relying on the PB to run my life or his, it's just that I had never heard of a PB not mentioning a mission for a young man so close to going.

I have tried getting to the bottom of what is going on, believe me, it's like pulling teeth to get any information out of him. "I don't know" is a common answer I get.

I am worried about him, because he seems so aimless, immature, unmotivated. He is inactive because of his outlook on our ward. My wife invites him to church every Sunday, and all he says is "maybe". Sometimes he will come for Sacrament meeting, but sit in the foyer, and go home afterwards.

We have suggested that he go to a singles ward, that way he wouldn't be dealing with the ward he "hates", and will be exposed to other YM/YW his age, and perhaps have some motivation rub off on him.

I know a mission doesn't make the man, but it sure is a help later in life.

[sixpacktr]

I think Fly that you are taking the right direction on this. If he doesn't want to go, you might be able to force him, but will it stick? That's hard to say. I knew missionaries that went because their girlfriends wouldn't marry a non-RM. Then they 'Dear Johned' them later on. But by that time they had caught the vision and were grateful to that girl for pushing them into it. I knew others that went for the same reasons, and just went thru the motions. It was a waste of theirs and their comp's time because they didn't care.

That is the beauty of the gospel. We teach correct principles and allow others to govern themselves. IF they 'catch the vision' as it were, then we know that it has 'stuck' and that they have a testimony of their own, not our testimony, to rely upon.

Good luck. It may be that he is just a tad scared of leaving for 2 years (I know I was) and that is what is causing this. It may also be that he feels he is being pushed and wants it to be 'his' decision, not someone else's. Who knows with teens? Having kind of survived my daughters, I still have one that gives me fits because she is going down a road I see long term danger in. But she doesn't and all I can do is pray that the Lord will guide her and that she will LISTEN to him, and also help me to accept her decisions.

Youth is wasted on the young!

[Flyonthewall]

As I said before, my wife and I have always encouraged our son to prepare for a mission, but we have always been met with "foot dragging".

I can't tell you how it makes us feel to see all the other young men his age, go on missions, and him still have no motivation to go. This is not what we envisioned our son to be like at this age, but he is his own person, and an adult. I will not force him, it has to be his decision. We will continue to encourage him, but we will not make him feel like his value as a person is reliant on going on a mission. I have brothers and brothers in law that have not gone on missions, and they are fine, active members of the church.

[Flyonthewall]

I think Fly that you are taking the right direction on this. If he doesn't want to go, you might be able to force him, but will it stick? That's hard to say. I knew missionaries that went because their girlfriends wouldn't marry a non-RM. Then they 'Dear Johned' them later on. But by that time they had caught the vision and were grateful to that girl for pushing them into it. I knew others that went for the same reasons, and just went thru the motions. It was a waste of theirs and their comp's time because they didn't care.

This is kind of what happened to me. I never wanted to go on a mission untli I was 17. Then I had a girlfriend who said: "no mission, no me", and I thought, "oh, I guess I better go". We broke up long before I went, but the desire to go stayed with me.

Good luck. It may be that he is just a tad scared of leaving for 2 years (I know I was) and that is what is causing this. It may also be that he feels he is being pushed and wants it to be 'his' decision, not someone else's. Who knows with teens? Having kind of survived my daughters, I still have one that gives me fits because she is going down a road I see long term danger in. But she doesn't and all I can do is pray that the Lord will guide her and that she will LISTEN to him, and also help me to accept her decisions.

Youth is wasted on the young!

I think he is scared of venturing out on his own. I also have a sneaky suspicion that his love of video games plays a part in this.

I have heard teens are a lot like cats. They do their wanderings, but as long as you put food and water out, they will come back home.

[Alaskagain]

Yes, lol, cats!

Fly, you know your son better than any of us do. Pray and listen.

You say he is immature and scared of venturing out on his own. He is 19 and loves video games . . . is he in college or technical school? Is he working? Or does he sit at home and play video games all day? If he isn't working or going to school, I would surely encourage some goal-setting and plans to achieve those goals.

Suggestion: If he perceives that you are judging him as immature or scared, or wasting time or being lazy, or whatever, it might be time for a kind and gentle heart-to-heart. Go fishing or bowling or ask him to help with a project around the house or garage - any casual activity that you have shared in the past that will make a conversation easier. If you just say "It's time we had a talk", his defensive mechanisms will jump into high gear, and you may accomplish nothing, or even make matters worse.

Good luck!

[Still_Small_Voice]

When I was nineteen I was definitely a reclusive and shy individual. I served a mission and it really helped me get beyond my own shy comfort zone. Serving and helping others helped me see the world in a whole new way.

Perhaps some good medicine for your son would be to get out and do something good. You might want to go with him to a soup kitchen or do some other type of service work with him.

[Flyonthewall]

Yes, lol, cats!

Fly, you know your son better than any of us do. Pray and listen.

You say he is immature and scared of venturing out on his own. He is 19 and loves video games . . . is he in college or technical school? Is he working? Or does he sit at home and play video games all day? If he isn't working or going to school, I would surely encourage some goal-setting and plans to achieve those goals.

My wife found him a good job while he was 18, through the daughter of a co-worker. That job ended with layoffs. A few months before his 19th birthday, I had to tell him that he wasn't going to sit in his room all day and play video games; he was either going to prepare for a mission(which meant going to institute, and getting a job), enroll in school, or get a job(which meant putting in at least on app per day until hired).

He felt that was too many, he would need a break. I asked "A break from what? All you do now is play video games all day". He relented and finally found a job a a pizza place. He worked there for a few months, and then ran into his boss from the job he had previously. It turns out that someone left unexpectedly and they were looking for someone. He got his old job back.

In his spare time, all he does is D&D play video games.

Suggestion: If he perceives that you are judging him as immature or scared, or wasting time or being lazy, or whatever, it might be time for a kind and gentle heart-to-heart. Go fishing or bowling or ask him to help with a project around the house or garage - any casual activity that you have shared in the past that will make a conversation easier. If you just say "It's time we had a talk", his defensive mechanisms will jump into high gear, and you may accomplish nothing, or even make matters worse.

Good luck!

My wife had an IM conversation with him last night where she invited him to come to church with us today. He flat out said no. A video game he had prepaid for was coming in today and he was going to pick it up and play it. She tried to give good reasons as to why he should reconsider, and mentioned that the girl he likes deserves an RM(she is a recent convert). He said he didn't appreciate her attempts to manipulate and blackmail him and to use his heart against him. We were both stunned.

We have always tried to get him to set goals but he is very resistant to any counsel given by me or my wife and seems to reject it outright, just because of its source.

[BenRaines]

As a returned missionary and one who has also had a son and daughter go on missions this is what I have to say. Purely my own opinion.

A mission is a great thing for those who have prepared and desire to serve a mission. No one should be forced or encouraged to go on a mission because it will make you better. A mission is a time to go and serve the Lord. More than you will have in any time in your life. It is not about learning a new language, seeing other places, making friendships for your economic benefit when out in the working world, it is a time to go and serve the Lord.

In "raising the bar" the church has made it clear that missionary service is no longer reform school. It is not a place to send immoral, testimony barren young men to go find themselves. Please don't misunderstand, not saying your son is, just making a point of the types of missionaries that should not go.

Perhaps he is not ready. Maybe there is something that has happened that is bothering him. As a parent be there to support and encourage him to meet with the Bishop to discuss. Don't allow him to go if you think he will quit. I think it is harder on those who go out and quit or just spend two years away from home than not going.

That is my opinion on the matter.

Ben Raines

[Alaskagain]

We have always tried to get him to set goals but he is very resistant to any counsel given by me or my wife and seems to reject it outright, just because of its source.

I understand. My heart is with you.

If he is still living at home, and the best conversation was had through IM, that is a sad state. I try to follow the kindness and gentle persuasion school. But there comes a time for all to face the harsh realities of life. There is more that needs to be addressed than whether to go on a mission.

If he is living at home, are you charging him for rent/room and board, parking fees? If he is addicted to video games, does he own his computer or did you pay for it? If you bought it, go into his room, unplug it and trash it. Find a counselor for him, and if he refuses to go, make a consequence. If you paid for his car and insurance, the keys are a good tool to use.

Keep in mind, this is just my opinion as somebody's mom and I make a lot of mistakes.

added: I just saw Ben's post above mine. Ben is very wise.

[Flyonthewall]

I understand. My heart is with you.

If he is still living at home, and the best conversation was had through IM, that is a sad state. I try to follow the kindness and gentle persuasion school. But there comes a time for all to face the harsh realities of life. There is more that needs to be addressed than whether to go on a mission.

If he is living at home, are you charging him for rent/room and board, parking fees? If he is addicted to video games, does he own his computer or did you pay for it? If you bought it, go into his room, unplug it and trash it. Find a counselor for him, and if he refuses to go, make a consequence. If you paid for his car and insurance, the keys are a good tool to use.

Keep in mind, this is just my opinion as somebody's mom and I make a lot of mistakes.

added: I just saw Ben's post above mine. Ben is very wise.

He very rarely interacts with the family so it is much easier to IM him. When we try to talk to him in person, he gives one word answers, and "I don't know". He seems to be more articulate with IM.

We do charge him rent, which he resents.

We stopped giving him video games, as gifts and such, several years ago. All the video game equipment and computer he has, he bought himself.

We have set him up with a counselor, but like with us, he is not forthcoming with information, and he sees no point to it.

We used to not want him to move out, figuring if he was close to us, we could still have some influence over him, but the end of last year, we told him it was time. We gave him until Feb14th to find his own place or we would start charging him rent. Then he totaled his car in Jan, which set his move out date back. We did start charging rent though.

He bought another car with the insurance settlement he got from his first car. He is on our car insurance policy, and we do make him pay for it. He is on our cell phone plan and he pays us for that too.

To be honest, we feel he needs to be out on his own, and maybe, just maybe, he can learn to appreciate what he had.

[Alaskagain]

To be honest, we feel he needs to be out on his own, and maybe, just maybe, he can learn to appreciate what he had.

Or at the very least, that there is much more to life than video games.

[Still_Small_Voice]

I was also a video game addict as well in the past. If someone doesn't want to get over an addiction they definitely won't. The best thing you can do is pray for him and love him. I think you are doing the right thing by making him pay rent, bills and also making him get a job.

Someday he will see that video games are unproductive and a distraction from the eternal important things of significance. Hopefully he will figure this out soon in his life.

[Alaskagain]

:hmmm:have you considered moving to a house with one less bedroom?

just kidding. (sort of)

[VisionOfLehi]

To some of the original comments about PBs...

Sometimes the God and the Lord don't feel it necessary to tell us to do things we already know well enough we're supposed to do.

Anyway, about this topic... I joined the Church on my 19th birthday... Currently I am not planning to go on a mission, but to get out on my own and go to school, instead. My PB says He "is pleased that you are continuing your education." That, for me, is reassurance that what I'm doing is alright for me.

But, many parts of the PB are about following the counsel of the Brethren, and being faithful, and preparing myself to be a father/head of household.

A mission is also all of these things.

I've prayed about it, and fasted, and my answer, to my surprise, was that me going on a mission or going just to school are equally good and acceptable in His eyes. (Of course, I could do both, either one first and then the other, but I don't know how I'll play it out.)

And I've felt no Spiritual prompting to go on a mission, either.

Any thoughts?