Attachment Parenting/Continuum Concept

[Elgama]

Does anyone practice Attachment Parenting and was wondering if you had read the Continuum Concept and what of it you apply in yours and your families lifes.

-Charley

[skalenfehl]

Does anyone practice Attachment Parenting...

As opposed to what? I'm a little confused.

[SmilingRedhead]

Skalenfehl, I had to look it up as I wasn't fully aware of the definitions of the concepts.

I found this, which I think explains it quite well :)

Attachment Parenting: The components of a nurturing, instinctive parenting style from parentingweb

[skalenfehl]

I mean, I understand the concept of attachment. I'm an adoptive father who fostered and adopted two teenage boys years ago. I learned in the foster care system there are many children, who, from infancy, develop attachment disorders. I could go on.

When I ask as opposed to what, I wonder what other kinds of parenting is out there. I bonded with my boys from day one and fought to break down their attachment disorders and barriers. I guess I can't fathom any other concept of parenting by a loving father and mother. I hope this makes sense. Either that or I still don't understand the entire concept. Hence my original question.

[Elgama]

sorry i should have explained more basically

Continuum concept - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Attachment Parenting is a specific form of parenting based on the work Jean Liedoff did I read the book when I was 15 and thought it was amazing its based on an Amazonian Tribe and how they parent - they hold the child constantly until they learn to crawl or walk, cosleep, are very relaxed about safety, involve them in everyday life, don;t make a fuss if they hurt themselves, but provide love when its asked the child learns by being constantly in Adult Society. Technically a child of 2 brought up this way should be able to use a sharp knife to cut bread and be in no more danger than an adult. (I hadn't deliberatly tried this with my first and it happened accidently with my 16 month old one of those oh my parenting moments where I had taken my eye off the ball , but I held back and watched rather than panic and he handled that mushroom like I would). Things at have happened this week that have finally shown huge fruits for the way I parented him as a baby and was curious about other parents experiences. They discipline with expectation rather than punishment which struck me because its the one thing when interviewed President McKay's, President Hinckley's, President Joseph Fielding Smith;s and President Kimball's children said their parents had parented them. I am curious how other Latter Day Saint or other peoples instincts have reacted to this

Ways it is done in western society include, using a sling instead of stroller, cosleeping, extended breastfeeding etc

-Charley

[skalenfehl]

My experience comes only from rearing teenage terrors from their adolescence. I'm probably not really qualified in this department. I think attachment is very important and I see how that is very important in being raised by a mother. I think also an important part of this process is learning when and how much to let go and let your child learn independence. A good, strong, nurturing father is a good role model for weening the child away from growing up too "soft", if that makes sense. I don't mean that in any disrespect. It's the only way I know how to describe it. Maybe I'm also way off. I'll just move along now.

[Elgama]

I agree that forms a part of the Contiuum Concept a Mother who nurtures and loves unconditionally and is just present and a Father that teaches the children more about the outside world.

It isn't entirely applicable to western society but we can use a lot of it - I don't know why I am so surprised that my children are behaving more like the tribal children than others around them - Its also amazing how many times I was told I was spoiling my children and they would be clingy, never sleep through the night etc - neither are clingy, both are very independent which isn't natural for my son I called him Velcro boy his first 6 months, he doesn't like being left with anyone unfamiliar but he is happy to potter around the house wanting very little to do with Mum during the day, and whilst his lack of ability to sleep drove me mad intially now he just climbs into bed with me I barely wake up

But we have had a couple uhoh moments this week as well as the knife I got a shout from my husband - oy love can you come and get Gabey to find him happilly at the top of the loft ladder with his head poking through the top and I didn't feel panicked he was in danger.

_Charley

[SmilingRedhead]

Having just read the basics of Attachment Parenting because I didn't really know what it was, I've come to realise that we follow many of the points in our little family.

I tried the sling thing but my babies and my back said no thank you. Babies would scream until I took them out and my back ached loads.

Before we had our first baby I read almost everything and anything about child birth and raising happy children etc etc that I could get my hands on or find on the net. I obviously received lots of different advice too from 'knowledgeable' mothers. Many points that I read and heard I agreed with and many I didn't agree with.

What I heard the most though was 'Trust your instincts' and 'As long as your baby is happy and thriving then all is well' .

These two pieces of advice are what I agreed with the most. I've been following them since our first baby in 2005. We have now added a baby son to the clan six months ago and I'm still 'following my instincts'. :) Fortunately, my husband and I agree on practically everything when it comes to raising our children. (And that's about all we agree on...LOL jk) He is very actively engaged in raising our kiddiwinks and he is the best dad ever and he has very good instincts too. :)

So I guess I'm an 'Instinctual Parenting' mum (if there is such a term lol) which I can see (after reading what I just found on the net about 'Attachment Parenting' and what has been posted here) follows along a similar path to Attachment Parenting. :)

[Elgama]

thank you for your posts - I guess I have had years of a couple of sisters complaining about my parenting and a Mum who thinks I am a terrible Mother and sometimes my confidence dips which is daft my kids are happy, healthy and really independent this week has been a huge boost because of knowing my children are progressing well.

There was a recent survey that talked about how children left in carseats and prams suffer from attachment problems, and I am still surprised that I am the only Mum that has never really taken either into church (last few weeks with walking but left it in the hallway) but guess thats just me being judgemental too lol - thanks for letting me work things out in my mind. Love to hear more from people

-Charley

[Cherrybrook]

Elgama. I sympathise with you. Truly I do. I think people are beginning to be more open minded about doing things differently than what they were even 6 years ago when I had my first born. At least in my country. Me and my husband both carried our babies in sling. We also got some critisism for it, but pretty soon the slings turned out to be "hip" and "cool" and everyone had to have one. I was relly happy to see that. Cosleeping has also been our thing. I couldn't think of any other way to do it. I simply was not able to sleep if my baby wasn't right next to me. And my babies have been breastfed too, but "only" for 14 months.

But we have used car seats and strollers etc too. I guess I've just tried to make the best choices for me and my family and not really follow a certain concept too literally, if you know what I mean. If something just doesn't work for you it doesn't. One of the hardest choices for me was to go back to work, but I still think it was the best decision. Probably not the ideal choice, but the best one I could make.

I still fall short of my own expectations of what kind of a mum I'd like to be, but I keep trying very hard. And try not to be too hard on myself too, even though it's difficult sometimes, being the perfectionist that I am. And I do apologize my kids for my shortcomings and show them that after all, I'm also only a human and cabable of making mistakes.

And I, too, sometimes get to see the results of my parenting and get the occasional moments of satisfaction that maybe I've managed to do something right, after all. But at the same time try not to take too much credit since I have received a lot of help from above.

[Gwen]

i didn't read all the links, so i'm not sure of ALL the details of it but it sounds like i'm closer to that kind of parenting than how i see others do things. i take my kids everywhere with me with excetpion of certian female dr visits. lol excluding those specific visits they have gone to all my prenate visits, when i'm sick, etc. i have decided anytime i or one of the kids needs blood drawn i will leave the youngest at home, only because she seemed very tramatized by seeing it. i thought it would be a good educational experiance for them but i guess she just wasn't ready. lol

ppl are always shocked. i take them to the store with me. first question i usually get is "are they all yours?" lol then "you bring them all with you?" (for those that don't know my kids are 6, 5, 4, 2 yrs and i'm expecting in about 4 weeks; i don't live in UT so i'm sure it's a sight) i know several ppl that have 1 or 2 kids that will hire a baby sitter to do the grocery shopping. they rarely take their kids out to eat with them. my personal theory is how are they going to learn to handle different situations if they are never in them? one thing that makes me feel really good is when we go out to eat. i can see it in ppl's eyes when we sit down "are you really going to sit by us with all those kids?" like i've done something really rude or nasty (like smoking in a non smoking section). many times after awhile as the ppl leave they stop and say how well behaved our kids were. lol i figure that means i'm doing ok.

on the other hand for my sanity i have to seperate on occassion. the kids only sleep in our bed when nursing, i personally prefer to stop by 1yr. they are always able to come in when they've had a bad dream or are sick and i feel a need to keep an eye on them durring the night. as soon as they are big enough to do something i tend to encourage it. it's to hard on my back to carry them when i don't have to so i do use strollers and such. i do have to watch my youngest son (4 yrs) more than the others. he watches the older ones and thinks he is grown and will do anything he can see done. he's very independant. it's been a struggle to figure out how to foster that without putting him in danger. he has no fear.

i think it's important for kids to spend a lot of time helping mom and dad. all my kids are independant and securely attached. they like to know where i am and don't wander off with stangers but they don't cling or freak out when i go. so far none have had major issues with going to school, my leaving when i have had to get a sitter, etc. i've just always done what felt right for me and my kids.

[Elgama]

what a beautiful description Gwen thank you- I didn't nurse Ellie at all and Gabey only to a year personally I hated it but do see how it helped him.

both my kids are like you describe -it was good to hear what you wrote

-Charley

[BusyMom]

Hi All:

I am new here and this is actually my first post in any of the forums. I am a doula, childbirth educator and Happiest Baby on the Block educator. I really believe in the power of birth and attachment for families. I have 5 children of my own.

I have used several of the principles outlined in Attachment Parenting. I used to get lots of strange looks when I used my sling but I LOVED it!!! I co-slept with my babies. I love being an educator because I have the chance to introduce new ideas to couples who are just starting out. I also like Happiest Baby becaue it is so gentle and so easy to follow and it works!!! Research is showing that methods such as crying it out are harmful to babies and lead to anxiety and other disorders in adulthood.

I am glad to see this forum opening up.

BusyMom:)

[Carita]

Just couple of thoughts here. This discussion reminds me of how our Heavenly Father sets an example of parenting. It is often said that our Heavenly Father is a Fourth Watch God.

A New Testament Day was divided into twelve hours, beginning at six in the morning. The third hour would be nine o'clock, the sixth hour would be noon, and the eleventh hour, though we visualize it as being just before midnight, actually was five o'clock in the evening. The night was divided into four watches. The first watch was from six in the evening until nine at night. The second watch was nine until midnight, the third watch from midnight until three in the morning and the fourth watch from three in the morning until six, about sunrise.

To make this short.... our Heavenly Father watches us and knows what we need to learn and the lets us learn, even if it is difficult. He does not rush to make things easy for us or to do things for us. He watches and lets us learn and steps in only in the fourth (last) watch. After we have tried our all. He lets us know He loves us and He is there but He wants us to try ourselves first. There are some exceptions but that is an other story.

I could not carry my children all the time when they were little. They were big babies and I have chronic pain in my neck. But they got to sit on my lap a lot. They got lots of hugs and kisses. We would play together and read together and walk together and talk about everything.

If I needed work done, I would tell them that if they would nicely play by them selves just a little while so I can get my work done I would then take a break just for them and we can do something together for awhile. That way they learned to mind others too and work for everyones good. To be a team.

Sometimes they were able to help me with what I was doing. When they were about two or three I would let them make their own peanut butter sandwiches etc. I always believed that if I got sick, they could at least make sandwiches for them selves so I could get a little more rest. I had four little children 7 and under and very little help. My husband worked nights and slept during the day when he wasn't in school.

I nursed my oldest one until he was one. The others less. I was tired. They had their own beds.

They are now 23, 22, 19 and 16 and we are close and we have a good relationship. I get hugs and kisses and we laugh and have fun together. They know they are important to me and I will always listen to them and help them but they also respect my time.

I think the most important thing is to use your instincts, to spend time. To talk and play and learn together and to let them explore and learn.

Have fun together. Show love. Tell you love.

As a mother you will have times when you feel quilt about not being the mom you would like to be. We are all humans and learning. Life throws some sticks in the wheels. But do not let that discourage you or worry. Relax. If you love your children. Follow our Saviors example. Read how our Heavenly Father teaches His children. If you let your children see how you love and live the gospel. Read the scriptures and pray, it will all be well at the end.

Always talk with your children watch them and keep them close enough to know what goes on. Give them room to grow independent and to learn but only as much as they need or can handle for their age. If you learn to know your child and let the Holy Spirit guide, you will know when something is not right and what is right for them.

[Elgama]

Hi All:

I am new here and this is actually my first post in any of the forums. I am a doula, childbirth educator and Happiest Baby on the Block educator. I really believe in the power of birth and attachment for families. I have 5 children of my own.

I have used several of the principles outlined in Attachment Parenting. I used to get lots of strange looks when I used my sling but I LOVED it!!! I co-slept with my babies. I love being an educator because I have the chance to introduce new ideas to couples who are just starting out. I also like Happiest Baby becaue it is so gentle and so easy to follow and it works!!! Research is showing that methods such as crying it out are harmful to babies and lead to anxiety and other disorders in adulthood.

I am glad to see this forum opening up.

BusyMom:)

That is interesting - I am contemplating training as a doula and counsellor - the closest doula does not cover my area and when I looked for Post Natel Support in my area there wasn't any available where I lived beyond anti depressants which I refused to take. What is happiest baby - I am in the UK so am unfamiliar with the term?

-Charley

[Elgama]

just wanted to thank everyone for their beautiful responses

-Charley

[ruthiechan]

I used a sling, and loved it. In fact, I remember one couple out grocery shopping, and the gal was pushing the cart, while the husband was carrying the baby. My husband and I were donig the same thing only the difference was my husband had the sling. You should have seen that dude's face! He turned to his wife and said, "we need to get one of those."

I remember being a bit annoyed when my in laws bought me a baby swing. Well, it turned out to be a blessing. I would put my daughter in it while I was doing stuff in the kitchen and she wanted to be near me. She was happy, I was happy. She also goes with me everywhere as well. She even went to an indoor shooting range with us! She's a bit young to go to the outdoor one since she has to leave those ear muffs on.

She is with me but independent too. She knows how to carry a knife, how to use scissors appropriately, and all sorts of stuff. When she was in preschool I got a lot of comments about how much ahead she was compared to everyone else with her fine motor skills and with her letters and numbers.

She was an only child, I had her go to preschool so I could go to school and so she could get some social interaction with other children. I was very grateful for the Spirit in guiding me to find that school. It was great.

About cosleeping, you had better make the decision, yay or nay, BEFORE you have a child. It MUST be consistent, one way or the other otherwise you cause undue confusion and frustration (for both you and the child).

[BusyMom]

Elgama:

Happiest Baby on the Block is a program designed by Dr. Harvey Karp to help parents calm fussy infants. He is a pediatrican who developed the program in response to seeing babies with Shaken Baby Syndrome and frazzled parents. I love this program because it is simple to follow and use. It uses 5 steps to help parents.

Are you looking into being a labor or postpartum doula or both? I do both. I LOVE being a doula, I love being with families and helping them to welcome a new member into their home. Personally, I think that for some moms that anti-depressants that can be a lifeline. I think for others the lack of social support and unrealistic expectations placed on mothers by our culture and society exacerbate pospartum depression. I am looking forward to gettting into my counseling program far enough that I can start working with clients under supervision. How long does a counseling program take in the UK? It is a graduate program here in the states and takes 3-5 years post bachelor's program to complete. It is quite extensive and requirees 900 hours of internship plus 2 1-week residencies. I feel passionate and very inspired to do this work so I know it will work out in the end. In the middle though I wonder how I'm ever going to make it!!!

[BusyMom]

Elgama:

Happiest Baby on the Block is a program designed by Dr. Harvey Karp to help parents calm fussy infants. He is a pediatrican who developed the program in response to seeing babies with Shaken Baby Syndrome and frazzled parents. I love this program because it is simple to follow and use. It uses 5 steps to help parents.

Are you looking into being a labor or postpartum doula or both? I do both. I LOVE being a doula, I love being with families and helping them to welcome a new member into their home. Personally, I think that for some moms that anti-depressants that can be a lifeline. I think for others the lack of social support and unrealistic expectations placed on mothers by our culture and society exacerbate pospartum depression. I am looking forward to gettting into my counseling program far enough that I can start working with clients under supervision. How long does a counseling program take in the UK? It is a graduate program here in the states and takes 3-5 years post bachelor's program to complete. It is quite extensive and requirees 900 hours of internship plus 2 1-week residencies. I feel passionate and very inspired to do this work so I know it will work out in the end. In the middle though I wonder how I'm ever going to make it!!!

I hope you will enjoy it as much as I do. I wish I didn't have to charge for my services, I just love what I do.

[Elgama]

its normal for a doula in the UK to cover birth and post natel

My counseling course will be 3 years part time plus 120 hours voluntary work as a counsellor to qualify - I would like to work alongside our Health Visitors (nurse/midwife with special training in early child development is supposed to in theory keep an eye on the family until child is 5). Its not a post grad course unless I finish my psychology degree first then I would be a counseling psychologist which is different again.

I can't really take anti depressants - I took tricylics and prozac for my fibromyalgia and I had an odd reaction to them all.

My next plan is to save up and train as an Alexander Technique teacher - I can do bits of reflexology and aromatherapy at the local college but I know how much the Alexander Technique impacted and made my pregnancies and labour much easier - especially the first one when I had pre-clampsia and had to be lying down.

_Charley

[BusyMom]

Charley--

Can I say I am jealous? I could be a counselor in the UK!!! And here I am studying away and getting ready to do a ton of internship hours:o. I hope you enjoy your trainings, I have learned so much and I truly love what I do which makes it the best!!!

I am just moving back into the childbith arena and it is wonderful!!!

BusyMom

[MorningStar]

I know my back definitely couldn't handle that, but I do co-sleep for a while and hold my babies quite a bit. They seemed to like floor time and my second son would cry until I put him in his crib alone. He likes his solitude. :) I try to play it by ear with my kids.

[MorningStar]

Elgama:

Happiest Baby on the Block is a program designed by Dr. Harvey Karp to help parents calm fussy infants. He is a pediatrican who developed the program in response to seeing babies with Shaken Baby Syndrome and frazzled parents. I love this program because it is simple to follow and use. It uses 5 steps to help parents.

Are you looking into being a labor or postpartum doula or both? I do both. I LOVE being a doula, I love being with families and helping them to welcome a new member into their home. Personally, I think that for some moms that anti-depressants that can be a lifeline. I think for others the lack of social support and unrealistic expectations placed on mothers by our culture and society exacerbate pospartum depression. I am looking forward to gettting into my counseling program far enough that I can start working with clients under supervision. How long does a counseling program take in the UK? It is a graduate program here in the states and takes 3-5 years post bachelor's program to complete. It is quite extensive and requirees 900 hours of internship plus 2 1-week residencies. I feel passionate and very inspired to do this work so I know it will work out in the end. In the middle though I wonder how I'm ever going to make it!!!

That's so cool! I thought about being a doula. Maybe when I'm done having my own babies. :)

[Cherrybrook]

About cosleeping, you had better make the decision, yay or nay, BEFORE you have a child. It MUST be consistent, one way or the other otherwise you cause undue confusion and frustration (for both you and the child).

Not necessarily. Our sleeping arrangements have varied quite a bit after our first son was born. First we tried the cot, but didn't work for any of us so we moved the baby in our bed and we all slept wonderfully. When he started moving around the bed too much, we bought him his own bed and moved him there and he was fine by that too, until the little brother was born. Then he decided he didn't like sleeping on his own anymore and since the baby was sleeping in our bed he wanted to sleep there too. Fine by me. We just got an extra big bed that could fit all four of us. That continued for about 6 months when our firstborn wanted to move back to his own bed.

The baby stayed in our bed for...I don't remember how long. Probably until he was big enough to sleep in a junior bed (we had ditched the cot as useless by now). Since then the boys have pretty much slept in their own beds, but the "baby" (who is a big boy now) is still a regular visitor in our bed during the nights. Now they take turns in sleeping in the bottom bunk or in the top bunk or if they can't agree on who sleeps where they share the bottom bunk.

So very little consistence in our sleeping arrangements but we've also had very little trouble overnight. Well slept nights have been a great, great blessing in our family life!

[LegendadryPerc]

I like the word instictual parent. There are so many different things that work for different people, that all have the same "feel" to them. I think following the baby's cues is more important than if you use a sling, co-sleep, etc. For example, we got these baby toys from relatives when we had our first. I was convinced they were useless, as our first two simply wanted to be held. Our third, however, liked to be layed down and actually loved these baby toys. Blew us away. We didn't think they were any good, and here was our kid convinced they were the best. Or our baby who would cry for 2 hours straight every night, then finally dh convinced me to leave her alone in a dark room, and she cried for about 10 min., and then was asleep. This may technically be "crying it out", but in reality, holding her and trying to help her, was keeping her awake, and 10 min. was so much kinder to her than 2 hours.

I'm glad you started this thread, though. I've been given the axe murderer lecture and everything. We also tend to unschool and don't have chores etc. This last year has been amazing, in that all the doubts and pressures of others have given away as I see my older kids help out through a desire to serve, the joy of doing the right thing, and a true understanding of what and why things need to be done. Hang in there, it can be really hard to follow our hearts, when even well meaning members corner us and tell us how wrong we are.

I guess my parenting could easily be described in that my kids have a really hard time being left with another adult, yet at the same time, if everybody over 8 years were to suddenly dissappear, I wouldn't worry about my kids surviving.

Glad you made this post!