Confused and frustrated

[krisholy2992]

I am posting here because, I do not know where else to go. I have looked on the internet for LDS help and found none.

My husband has been cheating on me for the past 5 years with over 10 different women.

He was also viewing a website which was pretty much an online shopping center to meet and

be with others who wanted to have intimate encounters with each other and they have very private pictures of themselves

on it. It was a social viewing place for local people in a the surrounding community to view each others individual porn to not only see who is available, but

you could contact them and have a rondevou with those you like to look at.

He would or they would pay $20.00 for a two hour stay at our local hotels to be with them instead of doing this with me and

that makes me upset.

He paid for prostitues in his country when he told me he was visiting his family the last two times.

Then he was with women when he was in training for three months for his new job.

We prayed for him to complete and succeed and while we were praying for him he was cheating on me.

That really hurts.

He has been telling me when I questioned him in the past 5 years that I was just

over reacting and that he wasn't, he lied to my face each time. I believed him that he wasn't

and told myself that he was right cause of course if he was he would tell me the truth.

We've been married in the temple, too.

The pain is so intense sometimes my heart to its core hurts. It makes me feel like I'm

going crazy and sometimes I obsess with what he did with them.

He chose to be with them instead of being with me intimately. He would even tell them

obout his first wife when he was 21 years old and how it was bad and so he chose never to marry again.

That means I did not exist for the past 16 years and our marriage did not exits and our 4 children did

not exist, just so he could be intimate with them all.

How can I stay in love with someone who discounted me and our marriage of 16 years

just so that he could be with all of those women?

How can I move on and cope if I didn't exit to him so that he could be with them?

I've prayed and gone to the bishop, my husband has not done this yet however, but he

has started praying for me, us and himself.

He feels that he will never do it again and I feel that he just may believe this to be true,

after so many women and so many years how can I believe it and move on from this.

I want to believe him, but it has hit me to my very core and I am still on the fence as to

follow the bishops admonition to stay with him or to divorce him. Its like he said to me

should I listen to the little devil on my shoulder or the little angel. He chose to listen

to the little devil why should I be any different. Why was it okay for him and its not okay

for me to listen to the wrong shoulder?

He hasn't been going to church for about the same amount of time as he's been cheating.

How do I stay with him and how do I get over this or cope. How is this possible?

He has deleted in front of me all of their information phone numbers, emails, and the

websites he had paid accounts that helped him to contact them to have their rondevous.

How can one forgive and more importantly forget this kind of betrayal within marriage.

How do you do this when our marriage vows did not exits so that my husband could

be with all of these women.

He says that he loves me and he hopes that we can make it through this and he said that

he is sorry. He wants me to start being able to cope with it better and forgive him and be able to

move on, but how is this possible?

He finally confessed to all of this on feb. 13th 2008 and then confessed more on our

anniversary day, which was a few weeks later.

I feel by staying with him I am rewarding him for doing this and he is getting away with it.

He promised me he will never do it again and that we will have a wonderful rest of our life together, but how is this possible?

I am currently in a vicious and painful cycle of pain, anger, rejection, shame, etc...

Kris - Totally Overwhelmed

[BenRaines]

If he has been with any woman other than you your health is at risk. Continue to visit with your Bishop and follow his counsel. He will not tell you to divorce him but if the roles were reversed and it was my wife who was so unfaithful it would be over. I can forgive once but repeated means he has not kept his covenants to you or to the Lord that he made in the temple.

Ben Raines

[Flyonthewall]

It is possible, but it depends on the love the both of you share, and the willingness on both your parts, to make the relationship work. He must repent and do his best to repair the damage done to you and the trust between you. You, also, must be able to move forward with the relationship, and not dwell in the past.

I know this is very easy to say, and very difficult to "do", but not impossible. Put Christ first in the relationship and let Him heal the wounds.

My in-laws both had affairs, long before I came into the picture, but by they time I met my wife, that stain was washed clean through the love of Christ, and the love they each had for each other, and the willingness on both parties to make it work.

I cannot imagine the pain you feel for the betrayal of trust and infidelity perpatrated against you, and you would be justified in ending the relationship. If I were in your circle of freinds I would support you whichever your decision and would be looking out for your welfare.

I wish you all the best, and may the Lord send healing your way.

[Maya]

Guys can be really STUPID, but it dont mean they are completely noo good, especially IF they repend and change the course. But they need help ...professional help, you need help proffesional help. And in the end it all depends on love between you two.

You have all right to be angry ...and it is ok to show him your anger, pain he caused you, rejection, shame.... I hope he can handle it for some time... the anger will deminish, rejection will go away, shame will be forgotten, not sure of the pain... that is a tough one, I hope he understands that HE HAS TO work hard on this one and how much he hurt you....

I believe in forgiveness, I do not believe in devorce. Devorce is a defeat, giving up... to stay married in this world, is the biggest price anyone can reach to, especially if there are BIG difficulties in the way. Many say person staying married after big problems is stupid, I dont think so! For ALL too many devorce is the only answer. It is an easy answer, it is a fast answer, but is it the right one...I just wish peopel would let the persons in volved to decide them selves and not go sayiong: I cant understand HOW you stil can be married to thsi guy!

But to find out the right thing to do means study and prayer and even fasting! Follow YOUR answer, dont listen to others! There is also often a third party to take in consideration to too.

With the help of God all wounds will heal, all hearts will be renewed!

[Elgama]

Like others say work with your Bishop and do nothing without prayer - having said that No I couldn't stay in a marriage where a man had cheated so many times and trust him again. I could move on from a one night stand but not repeated betrayal, its more than stupid mistakes it takes plenty of forethought. Like I told my husband if he ever cheated on me only way he will stay with me is under the patio. Yes he may repent, and yes I will forgive and forget but I could not do it still married to him.

I have watched too many women be abused this way and forgive the man only to treated badly again and again. And yes its a form of addictive behaviour on both sides. I do not believe in divorce but you are not the one to repeatedly break that covenant. If you do walk away remember that.

And I certainly would not want my children thinking it was an acceptable way to behave.

-Charley

[Guest tomk]

Every couple and every circumstance is different.

There is an LDS 12-Step group online where you can post anonymously about what your husband has done to hurt you and receive counsel and help:

Heart t' Heart, an LDS 12 Step Recovery Organization

I am not looking to excuse what your husband has done, but often we try to fill our deep unmet needs in ways that can never work. For your husband it is sex. My guess is that he objectifies these women and uses them to satisfy whatever is bugging him inside. In other words, it is not about the women or the sex, per se, but about unmet needs. This has nothing to do with you. What he needs is to come unto Christ and let Christ heal him. It will probably be a long road of many years. He'll need to stay involved in a recovery program for the rest of his life.

Remain prayerful. The Lord loves both of you. Only He knows what is best.

Tom

[Guest tomk]

In my opinion, your husband needs to go see your Bishop and make a full confession. There will probably be a church court.

If your husband refuses to do this, you may want to consider a divorce.

[skippy740]

While her advice may sometimes be strict, I've got to chime in on what Dr. Laura might say -- so you can ask yourself if it makes sense for you.

Dr. Laura says that all relationships are mendable EXCEPT for the 3 A's:

- Abuse

- Adultury

- Addiction

She says that depending on the circumstances and extremes, these are "deal breakers".

I've got to agree that "once - shame on you; twice - shame on me". He cheated on you with 10 different women. There's a serious problem there.

Have you gone through any marriage counseling? There are such services available through LDS Family Services.

[Aphrodite]

Guys can be really STUPID, but it dont mean they are completely noo good, especially IF they repend and change the course. But they need help ...professional help, you need help proffesional help. And in the end it all depends on love between you two.

You have all right to be angry ...and it is ok to show him your anger, pain he caused you, rejection, shame.... I hope he can handle it for some time... the anger will deminish, rejection will go away, shame will be forgotten, not sure of the pain... that is a tough one, I hope he understands that HE HAS TO work hard on this one and how much he hurt you....

I believe in forgiveness, I do not believe in devorce. Devorce is a defeat, giving up... to stay married in this world, is the biggest price anyone can reach to, especially if there are BIG difficulties in the way. Many say person staying married after big problems is stupid, I dont think so! For ALL too many devorce is the only answer. It is an easy answer, it is a fast answer, but is it the right one...I just wish peopel would let the persons in volved to decide them selves and not go sayiong: I cant understand HOW you stil can be married to thsi guy!

But to find out the right thing to do means study and prayer and even fasting! Follow YOUR answer, dont listen to others! There is also often a third party to take in consideration to too.

With the help of God all wounds will heal, all hearts will be renewed!

Im sorry Mailis I totally disagree with you. I feel so awful for kris-I suppose your decision is personal but to me, to say 'i dont believe in divorce' is too general. My personal view of this situation is he would be out the door faster than I could even say goodbye. He has cheated on her MULTIPLE times, he obviously has no sense of regret, no remorse, no regard for his wifes health no respect for his wife whatsoever. He is shockingly selfish. If it was a one off, maybe I could give another chance but for something like this...he has ended the marriage himself I think to stay in a marriage like this is to have a very low opinion of yourself, no self respect, and frankly, stupidity as he will without question do it again. Kris doesn't deserve him, he sounds like a scumbag to me.

You said kris he 'feels' he wont do it again. Are you kidding?! What a cop out!! He should swear to his own life. Of course he wants another chance, he doesnt want his cushy life to end of having a woman at home and having his cake and eating it. By taking him back he will be rubbing his hands together in delight, and probably have even less repect for you than before for being so gullible to his claims.

As you can tell, my advice would be-WALK AWAY. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

[Elgama]

While her advice may sometimes be strict, I've got to chime in on what Dr. Laura might say -- so you can ask yourself if it makes sense for you.

Dr. Laura says that all relationships are mendable EXCEPT for the 3 A's:

- Abuse

- Adultury

- Addiction

She says that depending on the circumstances and extremes, these are "deal breakers".

I've got to agree that "once - shame on you; twice - shame on me". He cheated on you with 10 different women. There's a serious problem there.

Have you gone through any marriage counseling? There are such services available through LDS Family Services.

hmm not a huge Dr Laura fan but I agree with her and I personally think Kris your situation is all 3, but again only Heavenly Father knows you both I am so torn when I first read it my instinct is get out of it as fast as your legs can carry you, but its not my decision to make.

Something our version of Dr Laura (I am in the UK so sort of viewing Jeremy Kyle/Graham in that light for those in the UK and know who I mean) always says in situations like this you both have issues, and you can't deal with them together without destroying each other (and after being betrayed like this you will have issues), their advice is separate work on them with counselors separately, then if you want to come back together once the work has been done. I think that is sound advice - to take a step back for a few months in order to make decisions that they say will last a lifetime and as Latter Day Saints we know last for eternity.

-Charley

[krisholy2992]

I want to let you all know that I appreciate all of you taking the time to voice your thoughts to me. I don't feel so alone.

I have 4 children to think about, too. They are 13 boy, 12 girl, 11 boy, and 10 boy and they know that he has been cheating.

My oldest was listening in at the door when we were discussing it and he told the others.

We've had a many family discussions over this.

My husband told me what was going through his mind and that is that we weren't being intimate often enough and I became overweight.

I have always told him why I couldn't be intimate during the past 5 years and explained to him that I cannot feel intimate

with someone who complained about how I wasn't a perfect house cleaner to his expectations and that if he were kinder

then I would feel like being more intimate more often.

He would after he got off work, walk through out the house and tell me everything that I didn't accomplish. He would

do this even when I had spent the day cleaning. He would look for what I didn't get to and not even acknowlede what I

had done.

He told me that not being able to provide more financal security were contibuting factors into why he wasn't being kind.

He has been being kind on and off since last year. When he got this new job and before he confessed

to what had been going on in the last 5 years he began being kinder and he said it had nothing to do with his cheating.

He said he wants to be nicer to me, because I have been nice, kind, supportive of him our 16 years of marriage.

He says he loves me and thinks that we can have a great future together. After 16 years of marriage and wearing

his wedding ring on a chain around his neck and at my request he now has started wearing his ring on his ring finger.

He wants to take me to his country for the first time at the end of this year.

He wants to take me to France on our 20th anniversary via a cruise.

About his country is another story of pain he has never taken me to his country even before we had children

and he has been their many times and the last two times he paid for prostitutes because its not legal or illegal yet

and he was curious.

With in my heart of hearts I love him and I feel that I will finally decide that I will be staying with him, but I'm afraid that my emotional

outbursts, overwhelming anger spouts, my occassional obsession about what he has actually has done when he was being intimate with them

and what they did together and what they looked like is going to take its toll on him and me and that not only the collateral

damage of the past 5 years but my current collateral damage of my cycles of pain, humiliation, shame, anger, frustration,

wanting to make him accountable and go through the pain I'm going through it so that I'm not the only one, etc... It just may be

out of our control in the end and that this may end up just being more than either of us can overcome.

My christlike love for him as a child of God gives me some compassion for him and he wants to be forgiven of what he's

done and it isn't unlike what we all want.

I feel that as we forgive all others no matter what was done we will be forgiven by God of our own sins.

I really wish that I could forgive him and move on and be as Christ was to Mary Magdaline.(sorry if spelled wrong)

I'm sure you understand what I'm talking about, however you know the saying he who has not sined cast the first stone.

What advise do you have for my husband he needs some to. He may have sinned a grave sin and hurt me deeply, but the Lord loves all of

his children and I have to admit that he, my husband, is a child of God just like the rest of us. The Lord will punish him more justly than I

ever could so why have I been doing it? The Lord will forgive whom he will forgive but I am to forgive everything. I'm suppose to leave it

in the Lords hands so that I can have peace within my own heart and life. I know the Lord loves me as he loves my husband and want us

both to be happy and have peace.

I'm thankful for the gospel and the peace it has given me at times during this very painful time in my life. I'm thankful for the testimony that

I have about the doctrine our church proclaims. This gives me peace. This helps me to love my husband as a child of God and the man I chose

to marry. The atonement is for everyone. My husband has been praying for me and for himself.

Kris - starting to feel that there is a light at the end of this very dark and emotionally racking tunnel. I know however that it is still a way off for me

and the pain is still fresh and deep.

[Flyonthewall]

I wish I was a professional so I could give the best advice possible, but since I am not, then I can only give you what I think.

I think your husband needs to put Christ first, you second, and your kids third.

His relationship with Christ will only serve to enhance his relationship with you and the kids.

His relationship with you should be paramount. He should put a lot of effort into demonstrating his love and devotion to you as part of the reparations of your relationship. If he does this, then your kids can be healed easier.

Your kids will be confused and hurt by his actions, and he will need to work on gaining their trust back also.

I don't mean to make this sound so simple, because it's not, and won't be. There are a lot of raw emotions that will be "painful to the touch" and need to be healed by all involved.

I wish you the best and hope this can work out.

[Guest tomk]

I want to let you all know that I appreciate all of you taking the time to voice your thoughts to me. I don't feel so alone.

I have 4 children to think about, too. They are 13 boy, 12 girl, 11 boy, and 10 boy and they know that he has been cheating.

My oldest was listening in at the door when we were discussing it and he told the others.

We've had a many family discussions over this.

My husband told me what was going through his mind and that is that we weren't being intimate often enough and I became overweight.

I have always told him why I couldn't be intimate during the past 5 years and explained to him that I cannot feel intimate

with someone who complained about how I wasn't a perfect house cleaner to his expectations and that if he were kinder

then I would feel like being more intimate more often.

He would after he got off work, walk through out the house and tell me everything that I didn't accomplish. He would

do this even when I had spent the day cleaning. He would look for what I didn't get to and not even acknowlede what I

had done.

He told me that not being able to provide more financal security were contibuting factors into why he wasn't being kind.

He has been being kind on and off since last year. When he got this new job and before he confessed

to what had been going on in the last 5 years he began being kinder and he said it had nothing to do with his cheating.

He said he wants to be nicer to me, because I have been nice, kind, supportive of him our 16 years of marriage.

He says he loves me and thinks that we can have a great future together. After 16 years of marriage and wearing

his wedding ring on a chain around his neck and at my request he now has started wearing his ring on his ring finger.

He wants to take me to his country for the first time at the end of this year.

He wants to take me to France on our 20th anniversary via a cruise.

About his country is another story of pain he has never taken me to his country even before we had children

and he has been their many times and the last two times he paid for prostitutes because its not legal or illegal yet

and he was curious.

With in my heart of hearts I love him and I feel that I will finally decide that I will be staying with him, but I'm afraid that my emotional

outbursts, overwhelming anger spouts, my occassional obsession about what he has actually has done when he was being intimate with them

and what they did together and what they looked like is going to take its toll on him and me and that not only the collateral

damage of the past 5 years but my current collateral damage of my cycles of pain, humiliation, shame, anger, frustration,

wanting to make him accountable and go through the pain I'm going through it so that I'm not the only one, etc... It just may be

out of our control in the end and that this may end up just being more than either of us can overcome.

My christlike love for him as a child of God gives me some compassion for him and he wants to be forgiven of what he's

done and it isn't unlike what we all want.

I feel that as we forgive all others no matter what was done we will be forgiven by God of our own sins.

I really wish that I could forgive him and move on and be as Christ was to Mary Magdaline.(sorry if spelled wrong)

I'm sure you understand what I'm talking about, however you know the saying he who has not sined cast the first stone.

What advise do you have for my husband he needs some to. He may have sinned a grave sin and hurt me deeply, but the Lord loves all of

his children and I have to admit that he, my husband, is a child of God just like the rest of us. The Lord will punish him more justly than I

ever could so why have I been doing it? The Lord will forgive whom he will forgive but I am to forgive everything. I'm suppose to leave it

in the Lords hands so that I can have peace within my own heart and life. I know the Lord loves me as he loves my husband and want us

both to be happy and have peace.

I'm thankful for the gospel and the peace it has given me at times during this very painful time in my life. I'm thankful for the testimony that

I have about the doctrine our church proclaims. This gives me peace. This helps me to love my husband as a child of God and the man I chose

to marry. The atonement is for everyone. My husband has been praying for me and for himself.

Kris - starting to feel that there is a light at the end of this very dark and emotionally racking tunnel. I know however that it is still a way off for me

and the pain is still fresh and deep.

Your husband needs to go through the entire repentance process, which includes much much more than stopping the outward acts. The outward acts are just a symptom of deeper problems.

There IS hope, but there is a process. It may take a few years for your husband to come to terms with what underlies the outward acts. One thing that addicts have in short supply is patience. Another thing they have in short supply is an understanding of the true nature of God. Satan gets them to believe that God is somehow ANGRY with them, thus cutting them off from the ONLY true source of liberation from their addiction.

I went to the site below about 3 years ago and got going with a sponsor:

Heart t' Heart :: Index

Sponsors are great. They have gone through the 12 steps successfully and can help guide your husband as he seeks to restore his relationship with Jesus Christ once again (repentence means to "turn" -- as in -- turn away from evil and turn to Christ)

There are some fantastic books on addiction. I have read these books cover to cover several times. They are great. At the end of each chapter there are exercises that your husband can work through that will help him start to come to terms with just how much his addiction has impacted those around him (most addicts want to minimize the actual impact of their choices on their spouses and children).

Here are the links to those books:

Amazon.com: Clean Hands, Pure Heart: Books

also:

Amazon.com: He Did Deliver Me from Bondage: Books

also:

Amazon.com: Sexaholics Anonymous: Sexaholics Anonymous: Books

I was enslaved by masturbation and pornography for over 20 years before I found the power that Christ has to liberate us from a hell of our own making. These programs CAN work for your husband, but only he can do the doing of it. You cannot work the program FOR him. He has to be willing to do it, and only then will he begin to experience the heart deep changes he wants and you want for him.

Mosiah 24: 13, 16-17, 21

13 And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.

• • •

16 And it came to pass that so great was their faith and their patience that the voice of the Lord came unto them again, saying: Be of good comfort, for on the morrow I will deliver you out of bondage.

17 And he said unto Alma: Thou shalt go before this people, and I will go with thee and deliver this people out of bondage.

• • •

21 Yea, and in the valley of Alma they poured out their thanks to God because he had been merciful unto them, and eased their burdens, and had delivered them out of bondage; for they were in bondage, and none could deliver them except it were the Lord their God.

Good luck, and God bless.

Tom

[Maya]

I just want to add that two of the BEST brothers I know did this their wifes stand by them stil and they have learned of this. There is great love in these families and most of all there is great forgiveness!! I love both of those families. Both were in a pretty "high" position and it has NOT been esy for the wifes.... I love them dearly!!

Remember YOU have not done anything wrong! Keep your head up!

[Liesl]

Wow...

I'm sorry to hear what you have been going through. I'm not an expert, just like everyone else I can only give human advise.

As far as your husband is concerned, he needs to start being honest with himself... Is he really sorry for what he has done, or is he sorry for being caught?... Once he knows the answer to that he can make decisions either way. If truly sorry, he will want to do what is right, often times that begins with him going on his knees in prayer. This is usually a difficult thing for the guilty to do, but a huge first step.

As far as you forgiving him, wow... not an easy task, but not impossible. Just understand that even if you do choose to walk away, it doesn't mean you can't forgive him. Give yourself a chance, look after yourself by giving yourself time... time to heal. Talk with Heavenly Father, write letters to yourself, and here is a tough one, allow Heavenly Father to help you.

Just know that you are loved, and if every other thought fails you, you have 4 beautiful children who love you and need you. You are still a daughter of God and always will be. Unfortunately you can't control what your husband does, but you can control the decisions you make for you and your children.

You're a good woman, I pray for your strength will continue and that you will feel that you are not alone.

[ruthiechan]

One thing I've learned is that words don't mean a darned thing. ACTION does. Feelings/words, they are nothing unless they are backed up by action. If he feels sorry then he needs to show it by regularly talking to the Bishop, by regularly going to personal therapy and marriage counseling. He needs to be kind to you all the time, instead of focusing on the negative (which is what got him into this in the first place it seems). He needs to learn how to be a good husband AND a father because his conduct has also hurt his children. He needs to stick with it, and he needs to cut ties from all the people and places and things that will tempt him to go back to his adulterous ways.

You both need to read Jacob chapter 2.

It should comfort you and if your husband is at all still responsive to the Spirit he will respond in a repentent fashion.