its_Chet

Relationships do take work, but the effort is not the same for everyone. I do believe there are happy marriages where good communication and patience comes naturally and with little effort, though, I believe it's not the norm and that's okay.

Marriage is a lot of work.... I bet you heard that before.
 
There is a lot of forgiving and overlooking things. 
 
Are there times when you feel misunderstood - that what you said isn't what he heard?  It is the same way for him. Even after 30 yrs of marriage, I have to tell myself that I misunderstood what my wife said and not take it personally. Even after 30 yrs of closeness, we're still trying to understand each other.
 
My parents thought my wife and I would never make it. We picked a hard row to hoe. But we've remained happily married longer than any other living family members. 
 
I wish I could say it gets easier, but it only changes. Issues change and you deal with the new issues. I'm glad you are wanting to make it work. Divorce is seldom a solution. It is generally only justified to break a cycle of abuse. With divorce, you only shift your problems, not solve them. 

Wow.  
 
This is a real whopper.
 
Most people with happy marriages realize it took a lot of work to "arrive", and it takes continued work to stay happy.  I think it's very naive, and immature to just presume you can be happily married, and not have to work at it.  Don't think that those people you know haven't had knock down drag out fights, at one time or another, or haven't resented their partner or something their partner did at one time or another.  The perception of the white knight, and the fairy tale prince charming is what is poisoning people into thinking they don't have to work at love.

i dont think of myself as bipolar or depressed but i do use withdrawel as a solution to my relationship problems, it might not be healthy but its better then fighting and physically abusing my wife. when i go into withdrawel i am able to think and ponder and have time to reflect on the current/past and future problems, the gospel and love of jesus christ is what keeps me sane and bring me back into focused. without the gospel i would probably be depressed/suicidal or addicted to some kind of drug.

i use the compatibility excuse all the time when me and wife get on the topic of divorce, it seems like the easy answer but in reality no two people are naturally 100% compatible its all about how much YOU WANT to be compatible

one thing that i love about my wife is that she does not at all micromanage me. for example i am the only one with an income, she is a stay at home mom, she leaves all the financials to me,she doesnt care what money comes and goes as long as she is able to have a budget to grocery shop and maybe a little spending of her own she is very happy.

I have a cousin whos wife is a stay at home mom too and she monitors their banking accounts online every day. every penny he spends she knows about. that is just to sufficating to me.

If you're the introverted type, or the sort who's more articulate in print than face to face (like I am), you may find that the dating websites are just the thing for you.
 
The primary reason I attracted my first wife is that she was a loose, immature, boy crazy girl with Daddy issues and envious of her friends in Institute that were getting married.  I jumped in with both feet for a lot of reasons.  Among them, I was lonely and desperate, never was given the time of day by girls in my school days or anytime after that (with a couple of exceptions), and I had a heavily romanticized ideal in my head that I expected would come true, and with her.  I was blind to all the red flags I should have seen from the start.  Without this combination of circumstances, I don't think my first marriage would have happened.
 
When that wretched arrangement went up in flames, and I found myself single again, I knew it would be my chance to shine.  I got on the dating websites and laid it all out in print -- what I like, what I believe, what I'm all about.  I was still snubbed by some women, but I also found that a lot of women were very receptive to me.  I even managed to get some truly breath-takingly beautiful women to respond to me.  I got to know some great women and some real bad apples too.  Instead of trying to get right back in the saddle and regain what I'd lost, I tried to just make as many lady friends as I could, and study their personalities as objectively as possible, as friends rather than the romance crazed, mad committer that I once was.  I talked to women from the UK, the Philippines, Brazil, Ukraine, and all over the US.  I talked to women who were nearly 10 years older than me, and I talked to women who were nearly 10 years younger than me (although they were usually in too much of a hurry for me).  I made a lot of friends and developed feelings for several women, but when I could tell things weren't going to work out, I usually was able to let it go without getting hurt (not counting the Brit I almost proposed to).
 
I had a spreadsheet in which I kept a picture of each woman I was either actively communicating with, or had attempted to contact and was awaiting a response.  There were 40 of them by the time I found my wife.  I regarded them all as friends, though I was always tempted to go too fast.  But since I was methodical and held back to the best of my ability, I was able to glean the best choice out of all the LDS women I could access throughout the entire world.  I know that I found the one most able to put up with my idiosyncrasies and flaws.  I enjoy her company and never worry that she will intentionally hurt me or betray me.  I found my best friend.
 
You can too.
 
I don't know if this site has a policy against name dropping.  I apologize if it does.  In case it doesn't, here is a list of all the dating sites to which I subscribed and on which I was active:
 
ldspals
lds singles
lds mingle
lds planet
single saints
 
There were a few others, but I was never sure they were legit and I never heard back from anyone on them.
 
My favorite site was LDSpals, because of the format.  I felt free to create a profile that I felt adequately described me and what I was looking for.  There wasn't a huge selection, but I did find a few great women there.  With LDSplanet, it was kind of the opposite.  The selection was huge and I never really made it through a night of searching on that site feeling like I'd tapped it out.  I didn't like the format at all though.  Too limiting.  I wasn't able to build a very good profile there at all.  Single Saints has a cool, unique feature, where you can send them a picture of yourself with your name written on it, and they contact your Bishop to confirm you are a member of His ward in good standing.  Then you get a seal of approval on your profile.  I don't know how it is for the ladies, but for me, I found the women on all the sites pretty easy to tell whether they were for real or scammers.  But it's nice to be able to foster confidence in your own profile with the people who see it.  LDSmingle and LDSsingles are almost identical, but I was on both.  One has a color code personality test you can take and every profile is color coded, which I found helpful.  The other site has a very similar personality test, but the results are not as easy to see in someone's profile as a colored bar near their picture.
 
These were wonderful, happy days for me.  I met some really wonderful women, and I chose the best among them.  Marriage still is inherently challenging, as it should be, but this way I found the woman who is right for me.  The challenges in my second marriage make me stronger, whereas the challenges in my first marriage weakened and corrupted me.
 
I used to hear General Authorities talk about their wives and think they were just pandering or being charitable.  I did not have a marriage like that at the time.  My first marriage was a cyclone of contention, hostility, and pain.  Now I know what they were talking about and I know they were on the level about it.
 
Hope this has been helpful.

The advice I gave my sons, 'be the person you want to meet'.

I'm 40 and going through a divorce. Much the same situation...wife says she doesn't love me and had given up years ago. I don't know what to say except you're not alone in all this. 

Having gone through both separation and divorce, I can relate that neither is easy, regardless of what side of the fence you sit. But it's important to understand two things: (1) No matter how much effort one party puts forth, it requires the efforts of both parties to keep a marriage. (2) There is life after divorce, and that life can be happy and healthy. Best wishes.

I really like the comments above. 
 
Marriage takes a lot of sacrifice and forgiveness, and it takes both people acting that way. When there are arguments, they need to be settled by both people giving in. I wouldn't draw blame on either of you. I think you have realized what I call "the price of higher education". Be grateful for the lessons. Use the lessons when dating and deciding on another mate, and of course when re-married. I wouldn't put more effort into saving the marriage - not if he isn't working at all. You'll be the only one paying the price and you will become resentful.
 
Best wishes.

The 5 stages of loss/grief are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and then Acceptance.  According to our resident Lawyer it takes about 5 years on average for a person to move through the process in the case of divorce.  You post definitively shows signs of many of them.  As much as it sucks for you personally it means you are normal, and there is a good chance you are going to be OK once you finish mourning your lost.
 
As for you husband... you think it is unfair that he is not grieving.  I would like to point out that he did... According to your post he pulled the trigger on ending your marriage about at year 1.  He went through the process while you were married.  Chances are he hung in there until he reached Acceptance... Then he filed for divorce.  You couldn't save your marriage because at the time you could have done something you did not know it was in danger.  By the time you understood the danger he had already Accepted that it was over, and you can't fight that.
 
So understand that your ex is about 5 years ahead of you in grieving the loss of your marriage.  You and him simply are not on the same page (and have not been for along time)
 
As for his future well, he still has some very big lessons to learn about how to make a marriage work. Until he learns them any future marriage is likely to suffer the same fate.  The marriage will get hard, he will distance himself and then they will get divorced.  So for his future marriage prospects I would say pity him and her... They are going to be in for a rough road.
 
As for you.  Give yourself permission to grieve.  Don't compare where he is at and what he is doing to what you are doing. That is manifestly unfair to you.  Then in time when you head begins to clear study what you did and how you responded and learn how to be better then you are now.  Take your failed marriage and turn it into an educational experience that helps you become a better person.

BOOKS:
 
The Book of Swords saga by Fred Saberhagen (with the success of the Lord of the Rings and Hobbit movies, I believe making a movie of at least the first three books is an imperative)
 
 
GAMES:
 
Someone has GOT to make a movie out of the first three games in the Thief series.  I'd also like to see a movie made out of The Elder Scrolls 3 - Morrowind.  Great back story, but informing the plot with all the lore could be difficult to do without being boring.
 
 
NON FICTION:
 
If it could be done right (with respect, honesty, and a LOT of detail), a movie about the life of Joseph Smith Jr. would be nice.  Too many attempts without too few details to meet my expectations though.