trubludru

Hmmm it has been a while now since I served (in Canada not Houston). I recommend (2) two-pant suits sets for sure. Most missionaries in my mission would wear out their pants long before their suit coat. Hence having twice as many pants as suit jackets being a good idea. I'm sure any of the three listed suit places would work out. I think I got mine at Mr. Mac. When I was at the MTC they (the BYU bookstore presumably) was making a killing by convincing the missionaries that the messenger style bags (for carrying your scriptures and stuff around while you were out and about) they sold there were only ones approved for missionaries....not true at all so don't fall for anything like that. I suggest searching around the interwebs to find a Houston missionary reunion type site and asking around on there for mission specific suggestions for clothing and other recommendations. Not sure what is on the missionary clothers list these days but generally I would say: (2) 2-pant suits, (I would avoid wool suits in Texas). 2 pairs of dress shoes but try to find ones that are comfortable for walking (you are likely to wear at least one if not both pairs out) + a good pair of general purpose sports shoes that you could play/exercise in and wear while doing service prjoects. Probably mostly short sleeved white shirts for Texas (maybe one of two long sleeve for certain occasions). And probably something like 10 pairs of garments and socks (you may need to buy replacements during your mission at some point). I made it through my mission pretty much with my original garments but I knew some other missionaries would get pretty worn out and need to be replaced or stop fitting comfortably due to weight changes(we generally had a lot of dinner appointments and many guys left the mission 20 lbs heavier than when they arrived).

No, LDS church grounds do not include a church cemetery. Typically, (from my experience) members of the church are usually buried at a local publically or privately owned/run cemetary near where they lived or maybe near where they were born if a lot of their family is buried there. It doesn't affect you or your son's salvation or anything if you end up buried in different cemeteries. The positive thing to focus on concerning this topic of death is that everyone will live on after this mortal life and will have the oppurtunity to be reunited with their family. And everyone that has been on the earth will be resurrected and gain an immortal body without the problems or sicknesses the mortal ones we have now are subject to.

@John Doe: I agree many Americans and probably even more so members of the curch are probably overly sensitive to public nudity in situations like a group shower room. @ Everyone: the OP's stated main concern is an irrational fear of room full of showers turning themselves on. I'm not sure what advice to give on that. Ask God to help you overcome it and hopefully down the road be laughing it was a concern.

While I agree communal showers aren't exactly a comfortable arrangement for most people, there will now be a dearth of "tree of life" jokes if it is all private shower stalls now. (It seems like most guys I know refered to the communal shower with 6 or so shower heads on a central pole as the tree of life). When I was there, (12 years ago) there was about 4 individual shower stalls per bathroom but it doesn't seem like they really had shower curtains. I did hear that the sister missionaries all had private showers stalls though. And the set up may have changed by now. And while I agree showering with a bunch of other guys isn't really in my comfort zone nor most other people, it isn't the end of the earth if that is the situation. Just keep your eyes above waist level and focus on your shower routine and it hopefully won't be that big of deal. But yes I do remember some guys there getting up at like 5 so they could have more privacy, I preferred more sleep myself. But it sounds like you aren't so much concerned with showering with other guys as being in a big shower room itself....not sure about that (did you watch Stephen King's "It" as a small child?). The bathroom/shower area is basically one big area with the sinks and toilets on one end and the shower area at the other end. There will probably already be showers going when you enter, so maybe that will lessen the fear of the showers turning themselves on....

I agree with the ideas that have been expressed. When I was 8, I think like most people raised in the church I had a basic (but limited) understanding of baptism but not the bigger understanding I have now. I think your son needs to be able to understand the basics in order to need to be baptized: right and wrong, who Jesus Christ is, and some basic concepts like faith and repentence. But again you can take your son to meet with your Bishop and get his opinion (he is responsible for interviewing 8 year children and seeing if they have those basic understandings of the gospel before they are baptized), and definitely pray about it yourself. But no need to worry or feel guilty if you end up deciding he is not really capable of understanding the basic principles of the Gospel, it just means he is in an innocent state and is already covered by the Atonement of Christ. Also, once your son turns nine the responsibilty (on the church side) for determining if he has those understandings and is ready to be baptized will shift from your Bishop to the full time missionaries. But ideally they and your Bishop would reach the same decision.

{Playing my air guitar} in response to Vort.

It is a cool story, the Sonne's are related to my mom's side of the family, they are nice people.

Quite a tough situation, things will get better but it will take time. I went through a similar situation, I had a marriage which lasted a little bit more than 4 months, about a month in my ex seemed to decide that playing house wasn't fun anymore and checked out of the relationship and blamed me for being a bad guy (yet she couldn't tell me anything specific on what I did that was so bad). I tried everything I could but she couldn't have cared less about our marriage and ended up moving out and refusing to talk to me. I am still struggling to deal with the fact that I had to choose to get divorced, it wasn't what I wanted, I wanted to have a good relationship with her but that was impossible when she stopped communicating other than to tell me it was all my fault. I have talked to her once since the divorce and tried to express that I was sorry for anything I had done and regretted that things turned out the way they did and that I was trying to forgive her for the way she had acted. Her only response, "Ok." You might feel like things are starting to get better and then something random will make your emotions come crashing down, that's ok some days will be bad. I remember the first time it snowed during this last winter I broke down and cried because I used to swing by my ex's apartment when we were dating before work and clean off her car when it snowed. Just try and make the next day better and give yourself time to heal. It is tough to not blame yourself for not seeing something before hand or realizing something that would have made things turn out different. Unfortunately playing "what if?" doesn't change what happened and doesn't prevent people from doing bad things that we don't expect. I hope you get through this and find happiness down the road.

It is defintely strongly encouraged in the church that divorce should only be sought for major reasons such as adultery, abuse, desertion, etc. That being said, if a member does become divorced for a reason other than those the church does not discipline the member in anyway that I'm aware of. I have an aunt that divorced her ex while back mainly from what I know because they grew apart/didn't along with each other any more. She recently civilly remarried to a guy that had previously been married and divorced twice. They are both in good standing with the church, I'm not sure if they sought permission to get sealed or not (see below) but they both have temple recommends. Other members are likely to treat you a bit differently if they find out you've been been married and divorced multiple times though. The only complication I'm aware of, is that if the member wants to sealed/married in the temple to a new spouse after being sealed previously to someone they have to go through a process which involves gettting approval from the First Presidency, and so I would think if the First Presidency for whatever reason feels the member is treating marriage covenants frivolously (even if they haven't commited adultery or what have you) then they would probably not grant permission for the person to be sealed to their new spouse (at least immediately).

A lot has to do with their background, etc. It is tough topic to delve into because their are so many different things that play into why people don't see a need for a restoration. I don't presume to speak for anyone but it seems from what I know most Protestants come from a grace through belief/faith background so the importance of Priesthood authority is a bit of an enigma to them because the ordinaces and authority of the priesthood are not seen as necessary. Any ordinances they do participate in seem to be more of reaffirming of their faith rather then necessary. Catholics on the other hand I think see themselves as the constant, original church, and since they have been around from the beginning of Christianity then how could they be lacking the necessary Priesthood authority, especially when they are the group of Christians that has maintained a Priesthood hierarchy for a couple of thousand of years. Unfortunately there seems to be a disconnect even if the local Bishop of Rome was called as a Bishop by Peter that didn't make him and Apostle and from what I understand it was at least a couple of hundred years down the road before the Bishop of Rome claimed or assumed the leadership of the Christian/Catholic church as a whole. I once did a fair amount of reading on the Apostasy but as many people have said it is tough to pin down exactly what or when the original church switched from the being the "true" church to an "apostatized" church. It is obvious from the various New Testament epistles that it was difficult to maintain correct doctrine in the Church for the Apostles. So yes as the Apostles were killed and unable to gather as quorum with the authority to ordain new apostles it became an increasingly uphill battle. I think it is likely that different groups in different areas held onto the original teachings for varying amounts of time. From what I read it seems one of the major signs/symptoms of Apostasy began occuring by the 100s, the mode of Baptism and truths taught about it began to change as the local Priesthood leadership died or apostatized and there was nobody left with the authority to correct the changes in the ordinaces and doctrines that were introduced intentionally or by mistake or call new leaders with the proper Priesthood keys to lead. Anecdoctally, on my mission I was in a town were I jokingly say, "The Church was almost true" not disparingly but due to the simple fact that it was fairly isolated and due to a lack stable members a few longtime church members ended up serving in leadership positions for extended periods of time in the branch. While they did their best it seemed like there was a fair amount of "quirkiness" due to the large influence their personalities and strengths and weaknesses had on the branch. While I was there a new stake was created in the mission and the branch ended up being transferred to a different stake from the one it had been in. I noticed it seemed like once the new stake leadership had visited the branch a couple of times after the switch to become familiar with members there, they quickly made an effort to visit nearly every week despite it being quite out of the way ( I suspect to provide some much needed guidance and training).

1.) Baptism = 8 years old, full immersion, dressed in white, by a priest Baptism is the first what we would consider essential ordinance, it is performed by either an Aaronic priesthood Priest or any holder of the Melchezidek priesthood. It is the ordinance by which members gain membership to the Church of Jesus Christ and enter into a covenant with God to receive remission of their sins by taking name of Christ upon themselves, promising to keep his commandments, have fellowship with the other members of the Church, etc. 2.) Laying on of hands = I know this happens, but don't know when/where/by whom/etc. The laying on of hands is referred to as a "confirmation" or "receiving the Gift of the Holy Ghost" It to is an essential ordinance and is considered the second half of the baptisimal ordinance. It can only be performed by holders of the Melchezidek priesthood. In short it is a baptism of the Spirit wheras the initial Baptism ordinance is a baptism of water. The purpose is to bestow the right to have the presence and guidance of the Holy Spirit, (generally referred to as Holy Ghost) continually through out our lives. 3.) Marriage = in a temple, for all eternity, a sealing, I assume by a priest?, special white clothing Sealings are also considered an essential ordinance. Temple sealings are typically performed by holders of the Melchezidek priesthood (typically a Melchezidek Priest, know as a High Priset) who have been specifically granted permission to do so ultimately from the President/Prophet of the Church who holds the "keys" to seal things both on earth in heaven. Sealings can be performed between both a husband and wife (any children born after the parents have been sealed are considered "born in the covenant" and are automatically sealed to their parents. Other children born before their parents were sealed may also be sealed to their parents. 4.) Communion = called the Sacrament, blessed by young priests, every Sunday, bread and water The Sacrament while perhaps not "essential" is perhaps on the most important ordinances. This ordinance is allow a regular renewal of other covenants that have been made, in particular the Baptismal covenant. Basically, as we strive to repent, remember God and the atonement of his son, Jesus Christ, and keep God's commandments, God will continue to forgive our sins and we will be able to continue to have the Holy Ghost with us. The actual officiating and blessing of the Sacrament is done by an Aaronic Priesthood Priest or a holder of the Melchezidek priesthood. The preperation/clean-up is typically done by an Aaronic preisthood office known as a Teacher and passing/distributing the Sacrament to members is typically done by the Aaronic priesthood office of a Deacon. 5.) Confession = I know some sins need to be told to the bishop... Confessing to a Bishop is not an ordinance, but is considered a necessary step to repent from a major sin. There are probably several reasons confession is necessary for sins. One, it is a sign that you do actually acknowledge that have sinned and desire to change. Two, big sins such as adultery, etc. typically put us in a position where out ability to have the Holy Ghost with us is disrupted. That often leaves people feeling confused, guilty, not sure what to do. The Bishop as God's representive is entitled to receive revelation to guide a person in what they can do to repent/change and become worthy to have the Holy Ghost again. 6.) Baby blessings = I know babies are blessed... by multiple men? Baby blessings are done by a holder of the Melchezidek priesthood, typically the father or another close relative. Though other holders of the Melchezidek priesthood such as close family members or friends are often invited to participate. The men typically hold the baby in their hands or arms while creating a circle around the baby. This is not an essential ordinance. The purposes include recognizing the infant as a new addition to a family in the church and entering their name into the church records (though they are not technically a member until Baptism and Confirmation) and to bestow the rights to certain blessings as directed by the Holy Ghost to the priesthood holder giving the blessing. 7.) Blessings = priest can give special blessings to certain people A few types of blessings exist, none are essential. One specifically is a "blessing and anointing" for a sickness or other affliction. This is usually done upon the request of an individual or a parent on behalf of a child. One Melchezidek priesthood holder anoints the sick individual's head with olive oil that has been previously been consecrated for the healing of the sick and lays their hands on their hand and pronunces a short blessing saying they are anointing the person with the oil. Then typically another Melchezidek priesthood holder lays their hands on the individual along with the first priesthood holder and confirms the anointing and pronunces any additional blessing or counsel as directed by the Holy Ghost. At other times an individual may seek a blessing of counsel or comfort from a Melchezidek priesthood holder. Typically this is at time of great trials in the individuals life, the priesthood holder lays his hands on their heads and pronouces any direction or counsel he is prompted to by the Holy Ghost. In addition, a father who is a Melchezdek priesthood holder may at times choose given a blessing of counsel to a family member before important events in their life. 8.) Patriarchal Blessing = a special blessing, done by only certain priests, you only get one once, it has to do with your whole life. Patriarchal blessings are performed by a special Melchezidek office known fittingly as a Patriarach. They do only happen once in your life. It is similar to a blessing a father might give, but it is recorded/written down. The blessing itself typically confirms the individual as a belonging to a specific part of the house of Israel meaning they are entitiled to the blessings God bestowed to Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, etc. and often points out specific gifts or abilities of the individual, certain responsibilites they will have and promises specific blessings all dependent on their faithfulness to God. 9.) Endowment = in a temple, special white clothing, learn about creation? Yes a large part of the Endowment involves learning about the creation. More importantly, members enter into additional covenenants with God that are perhaps best described as more specific and higher than the Baptismal covenant. Receiving the Endowment is an essential ordinance and a precursor to being able to be sealed to a husband or wife. It contains many specific promised blessings. Due to the sacred nature of these covenants members of the Church typically do not discuss specific details of this ordinance, though the covenants entered into are typically more specifc aspects of the Gospel that are found in the scriptures. And I can assure there isn't anything deviant or wildly bizarre involved. It is carried out by both male and female temple workers (typically Melchezidek Priests know as High Priests and their wifes who function under a temple president who receives his authority from the President of the Church. Typically received before serving a full-time mission or in the early twenties or prior to sealing if not received already. 10.) Proxy ceremonies = baptisms, marriages, sealings, and endowments can be done for the deceased Correct, these are performed in temples. These ordinances are all performed by Melchezidek priesthood holders. Live people stand in as proxies for the deceased person. Aaronic preisthood holders (typically teenaged boys) and teenaged girls may act as proxies for Baptisms and Confirmations, while endowed members are proxies for other essential ordinances. That's all I've got. Is any of that right? All of it wrong? What are all of the practices? Which ones are necessary, and which ones are voluntary? Which levels of the priesthood are allowed to perform which ordinances? The Aaronic priesthood is typically composed of teenage boys presided over by the Bishop of the ward. The main ordinance that the Aaronic priesthood is in charge of is the Sacrament. Priests also may baptize people though they cannot Confirm them. All other ordinances are performed by holders of the Melchezidek priesthood. All essential ordinances and also the Sacrament may only be performed with proper authority permission of specific preisthood leaders, i.e. a random Aaronic Priest or Melchezidek priesthood holder isn't supposed to go around having random Sacrament services. The "authority" to hold a Sacrament service is held by a Bishop of a ward as he is the President of the Aaronic priesthood in that ward. He of course authorizes Sacrament services to take place in his ward even if he absent due to vacation, illness etc. He may also authorize Priesthood holders to perform Sacrament services for members who are unable to attend the normal ward sacrament service due to health reasons etc. Well, I hope that is an exhaustive anser to your questions.

My opinion, lying to get into the Temple is not a good thing and I would advise you and your girlfriend to not do so. I don't fully understand the situation from the details given, but it sounds like you have already decided you don't want to lie in order to get into the temple. It also sounds like you are feeling very confused and are mixing issues together of your feelings for your girlfriend, your decision about lying, her decision about lying, and about marrying her in the temple. The first question I ask is (trying to set aside your purely emotional response of liking you girlfriend) do you really want to be with someone who feels perfectly justified in lying about something like this? You have to ask yourself, if she is willing to lie about this, what else will she lie about? Second, it sounds like she is joining the church mainly because you want her to, does she have or is she gaining a testimony of the truth or is she just going along because that is what you want? If she is just going along with taking the discussions and saying she will get baptized and eventually getting married in the temple without gaining a testimony it is pretty much setting yourself up for disaster. It can be hard to know what to do sometimes, but again it sounds like you know it isn't right to lie to get a temple recommend even if you may not have a strong testimony of the gospel principal involved (supporting homosexuality). I suspect you will only end up feeling more guilty after the fact if you go along with the lie because you know intentionally lying is wrong. God does forgive us as we repent, but true repentenance involves godly sorrow and remorse for the sin, would your girlfriend actually feel bad about lying? While you may be in love with your girlfriend, she may not be a good choice to get married to. Try and take a step back and see your situation as a someone else would. If you had a friend and he was in this situation would you want to him to go along with a girlfriend who is lying about something very important, both the ordinances of the temple and marriage? Personally I would say no and think very carefully about the sort of woman you want to be with and if your girlfriend is that type of person.

/Begin rant It isn't just men who can be abusive, my ex became very emotional abusive towards me and while my life wasn't threatened it is still abuse. She wasn't that way before the marriage, but for whatever reason she thought it was normal to act that way once we were. I have a co-worker who has an emotionally abusive wife as well. He has stuck out the marriage because he has kids and if they were divorced the kids would likely end up with the mom. I respect what he is doing but I had no children and no desire to have children with my ex once her "dark stripes" showed. Again I went into the marriage with someone I thought I'd be with forever, and I wish wasn't divorced, but it was basically that or end up curled in the fetal position in my parents basement for the rest of my life or even worse get to the point I had no desire to even live. It isn't a black and white issue, of you can always make it work if you want to. Sure I could be "married" still but what is the point if only causes misery? I did a lot of praying and pondering before I made the decision to get divorced and the answer I got was that my ex was choosing not to honor the covenants she'd made with God and with me, and I couldn't change that. I don't advocate divorce, it is pure hell to go through, but sometimes it is for the best, even if you aren't physically in danger. / End Rant

Yeah, I would say that is it, one spouse unwilling to work on or even admit there is a problem or something that they could do to change the relationship. That is what did in my marriage. I busted my hump trying to get educated and seek out help and show as much love as I could to my ex and in turn I received nothing but emotional abuse and the insistance that I was the one causing every problem in the relationship. I could have stuck in there if I felt like my ex was willing or attempting to make the slightest effort to build the relationship, but she seemed unwilling or unable to show the slighest interest in doing so over the period of several months. So I made the decision to get divorced as we were married pretty much in name only instead of continuing to live in a very unhappy and unpleasant situation. I never thought I'd face a problem that I couldn't deal with or get through, but being with someone (who you supposedly covenanted with to be married to for eternity) that doesn't even want to try making things better, let alone actively accusing you of being a horrible person when you are doing everything you can to show you love her, was simply too much to handle. I never thought I would consider divorce, but when your spouse truly does not care about the relationship and for months has shown no indication that they have any love or even consideration for you, what is the point of being married to them? Men are that they might have joy.

Canada Edmonton 00-02. Ironically spent about half my mission in Calgary (as the mission covered the north half of Calgary at the time) and no time in the Edmonton area. Also served in areas that were in Saskatchewan and British Columbia. Had some long bus rides for tranfers as I seemed to go from one edge of the mission to another, and I always had the good fortune that no one was ever around to pick me up at the bus station when I arrived due to some bad luck with communication about transfers. Our mission theoretically covered the North Pole, although we only had one companionship or senior couple to cover the entire Northwest Territory and by that I mean Yellowknife as there wasn't much population density anywhere else. I used to joke that some of my areas were bigger geographically than two or three of the smallest missions combined. And I think we figured if you were in Calgary, you were about as close to Salt Lake City as Yellowknife was to Edmonton. Was one of the lowest baptizing missions in North America at the time . But one brother we thought would be an eternal investigator (he had been investigating the church for about two years already when I met him) finally got baptized a couple of weeks after I left the area and I was finally able to have the privilige of baptizing someone in my last area when I baptized a little girl whose family was becoming active in the church again. It was amazing to be able to have that experience as I had spent two years trying my best to see someone join the church and get baptized.

Horse Hockey! and H-E-double hockeysticks! Classic lines to vent your anger.

I always dress up. This year I'm Maverick from Top Gun.

Well I hate to resurrect this thread but sadly it has an unhappy ending. I appreciate the the advice and concern expressed here. But sadly my marriage seems to ending in divorce. It has been a bitter and painful pill to swallow and it isn't what I want. The past few months have been a nightmare as I have watched my marriage crumble despite my best efforts and prayers. My wife moved out near the end of August and has since refused to even talk to me on the phone. The last time I saw her was at the beginning of September at one last counseling session where she spent most of her energy attacking me and saying things too horrible for a spouse to say to one another. It seemed apparent that she has no desire to fix our marriage and perceives me as a terrible person for reasons I am still very unclear on, only she seemed to be feeling a lot of intense fear and anger and I honestly don't know of anything I have done that could have generated such extreme feelings. I know my wife can be such a kind and caring person and to have her treat me the way she has and say the things she has been devastating, I never once saw her act anything like this before the inital fight and her behavior has only become more hurtful and irrational as time has passed. I think at worst she was sexually abused by her father and having a starting a sexual relationship brought back a lot past trauma and negative feelings, or at best (if there is such a thing) she has very unhealthy views about marriage and sexuality learned from her mother's very disfunctional relationship. As some suggested I do think she is "in love" with her old roommate though I don't think there is a sexual component there, but she does feel very comfortable and safe there and there is no sexual component to bring up negative feelings. It seems it was easier for her to make me the bad guy (to explain why she feels so horrible) and run back to her roommate than admit there could be something else whatever it is that has her feeling so messed up. I tried talking to her about possible sexual abuse, and the counselor tried talking to her but she avoided the subject and became increasingly hostile towards me and more non-communicative. I feel incredibly sorry for her because I feel like she is such a great person (normally) but she has let some sort of unresolved problem whatever it is (I still don't know if she was abused or not) take control of her feelings and destroy our marriage. I don't think she will ever be in a romantic relationship with a man again and will probably spend most of her life living with her roommate. I hope she can find some sort of real happiness in the future but I see this easily becoming the defining event in her life. I know many have gone through divorce and it isn't the end of the world, but I am just crushed right now. I have done everything I can think of (or as time went on this board, the counselor and my family and her family could think of) to show and tell her that I do love her and that I want her and our marriage to be happy. But the relationship has only got worse and worse. After a lot of thought and prayer and a visit to the temple I reached the decision that divorce was the best choice left to me. I have tried calling her to discuss it but I am lucky if she responds with an angry text message a couple of days later that blames me for being the cause of all the problems in her life. She signed the papers without any kind of protest when they were served to her so I can only conclude that this is what she wants. The divorce papers will be submitted to the court today and it is tough to accept that this is where our temple marriage - just a few months old and once filled with so much potential and joy will now end. It is tough not to second guess and wonder what could have been done differently, I hope I can put the this behind me and be able to find peace and happiness.

It is true there could be wildly varrying ideas of vanilla, but trust me the only other thing besides lingerie was to basically to try participating rather than lying there. No oral sex or anything really of that nature. So I feel like yes she could be very senstive in that department and yes I understand there is "breaking in" that needs to occur. And there may be very well something I said off the cuff or some such thing that she feels was out of line. I fully admit I am a human male and have an imperfect understanding of women and that I probably did something that at the least set in motion a series of unfortunate events and at the most was very offensive even if I didn't realize it. I am well aware that her feelings have been hurt and that it will take time to fix. I am willing to work on fixing or changing or apologizing or whatever it takes but I can't do that when the main course of action so far is to distance herself emotionally from me and be unwilling to discuss specifically whatever it is that was/is the problem I'm not trying to make out like I'm without blame or that I've been totally perfect but I shouldn't have to be either. I'm doing my best and I am trying to fix the problem I helped create and it seems like I am no closer after a month than I was to begin with no matter what I do, and it seems like she isn't willing to do very much to help me fix it or extend the smallest amount of forgiveness. So I do start questioning the long term big picture a bit. I appreciate the helpful advise, I will try to see if she will talk more specifically about problems with sexual intimacy etc to see if that helps. Also we do have "And they were not ashamed" we started reading it before things went bad, which lead to me asking her to try and do more than just lay there becuase she probably wasn't getting much stimulation in the right areas. But maybe things are just too uncomfortable for her at the moment(well as of several weeks ago) to really be able find it very enjoyable no matter what. So I'm not sure there is much more that can be said today, one of the main reasons I have posted about this on the forum is to try and get some perspective and feedback without dragging relatives, friends, etc too much into it (they know there is a problem and a select few I trust the most to give me some straight answers I have consulted on the sexual intimacy and in general about whether I am totally off the wall on the roommate issue etc ) because I don't want them to have a tainted view of my wife afterwards. I hope the issue can be resolved and she can be happy. If there is a bigger issue (abuse or whatever) hopefully that will come out in counseling. I hope to have something positive to report in the future but right now I am just trying to hang in there.

Very uncalled for, I have spent many restless and sleepless nights overanalyzing anything that I've done, been doing, said etc. to try and determine if I have done something terrible. I have asked her repeatedly to tell me what she is upset about and that we can work through it. Before we got engaged I shared some situations from my past that she should be aware of and that being open and honest about problems was important to allowing the relationship to function. I have made every honest effort in every way I can think of to resolve the problem and done my utmost to remain calm and respectful while trying to work things out. Have I gotten a little heated and raised my voice and said some hard things (along the lines of What am I supposed to do? I suggest ___ is the problem and __ is the solution, you say no, so I suggest ____ and you say you are just upset about everything, so I ask you what you want to do to fix _____ and I get: I don't know. So how are we going to fix things? or Why would I want to go spend our vacation with your roommate when I am basically going to get ignored by you most of the time?), yes a couple of times, but have I ever threatened her, verbally abused her(told her she was worthless or that if she loved me she would do X) No. Have at times said: I'm struggling with feeling left out of your life because you have such a close relationship with your old roommate. and I'd like us to have that sort of relationship but that is tough to acheive when I feel like you never want to share things with me but you will with her. Fact: I want to see her happy and her concerns addressed so we can have enjoyable relationship.

Well there is no chance of making babies at the moment and yeah not a good idea in the near future. I feel like the trust issue is the key as well and that it involves sexual relations specifically but I for the life of me can't figure out anything I've really done that is out of line, as far as I can tell I've only tried and asked her to try very vanilla sort of things, but I understand she may see things much differently. So far any specifics she has mentioned hasn't seemed to pan out in any sort of real discussion or that it is what really upset her, which leads me to the belief there is an issue somewhere in trust and sexual intimacy she isn't willing to communicate or there is something from her past playing a role and that whatever it is I did to break trust was mainly a trigger rather than the real issue. For example she has said one of the reasons she cannot trust me is the lack of sleep issue of me waking her up by trying to cuddle because I had just ignored (from my perspective I clearly misunderstood) what she said on our honeymoon. Well I feel like that was easily resolved by me explaining that I had misunderstood and will avoid cuddling with her when is asleep but also that we both need to make sure we keep communicating if we think the other didn't understand what we said. So I don't think that was the specific thing more like something she came up with to support whatever the real issue is. But yes I am committed to do the counseling because I think it will help having the third party but remain doubtful for a positive outcome unless she will communicate specifically what the main issue is for her and be willing to take action to resolve it. I am willing to do what I can to fix things and am aware that it may be something I have done or am doing that has helped cause the problem but I can't really change things if all I get is the run around in the communication department. And I think it will remain difficult for her to communicate as long as she maintains such emotional distance from me. I'm not ready to walk away yet but it is difficult to have such a prolonged bad situation so early in the marriage, but maybe better now then later?

Yeah but I think where things stand at the moment she would be more likely to move back in with roommate then move with me. And I have talked to the roommate who realizes there is a problem (seems to be aware that wife needs to work on marriage relationship more rather than spend time with roommate and to my knowledge has encouraged wife to work things out).

We have both talked with the Bishop and will continue to meet with him, but I think he was sort of baffled about why my wife felt so upset with me. He told us there were times where he or his wife had left for a few days because they were upset but that you can work through things. I hope he can receive some helpful inspiration but I think he was as baffled as I have been. And we just started meeting with a conselor but so far my wife has shown tepid interest at best in doing the "homework" the counselor gave us. I can see she has at least some desire to fix things (willing to talk to Bishop and counselor) but seems unwilling to actually do anything or take action to resolve whatever it is that has her so upset.

I find myself in an extremely difficult situation. It has been four weeks since the initial fight, things seem even worse then the first couple of days and my hope for a happy marriage is starting to fade. My wife says she can't trust me and is still very upset. I have tried everything I can think of to do on my end to make things right. I have tried repeatedly talking to her to try and discover what it is that I have done that has made her so upset. She generally just says she just doesn't feel like she can trust me and I am a totally different person than when we were engaged (i.e. I was caring then but now I am just selfish and jealous). So I ask for things I have done that make her feel that way, and the only things she seems to be able to come up with (other than the roommate issue which I feel is still somewhat unresolved but established that yes she can still do things with her old roommate but I still think she is relying solely on roommate for her emotional needs) is that I kept waking her up in bed by putting my arm around her/cuddling even though she told me she had a tough time sleeping on our honeymoon and that I repeatedly asked her to do things she wasn't comfortable with or I tried to do things she wasn't comfortable with during sexual intimacy. I replied that I was sorry I had made it tough for her to sleep and could see how that was frustrating but had misunderstood what she said on honeymoon to be more along the lines of not being used to sleeping in the same bed as someone and therefore was not sleeping real well, so it wasn't that I was deliberatly ignoring her just that I hadn't understood what she had said. As far as intimacy issues I didn't really know how to respond...and I won't go into detail but I felt like anything I had asked for or did was pretty vanilla maybe like saying it might help her feel more sexy/set the mood to put on some lingerie once in a while. She says that she hasn't really felt much during intimacy that really feels good so I had tried a few things I had read in "They were not ashamed" and that is about it. So I can only say I want intimacy to be a good experience for her instead of just a chore and that means I am trying and asking her to try a few things to help her feel pleasure but all I get is a negative attitude and response from her so how can I make it enjoyable? And she didn't really have a response and basically seems unwilling to put forth a solution or accept any of the solutions I have put forth to resolve these or any of the other issues that have come up to resolve the problems or avoid them in the future. And so far I don't feel or see how either of these issues are the earth-shattering destroy all trust and confidence in the marriage sorts of issues that she is seeing them as. Otherwise besides trying to talk through things, I have tried to give her space at times to think through things, I have cooked almost every single meal we have had together, I have left her love notes, bought her flowers, told her I love her pretty much everyday, I have done my best to apologize and explain that I want her to be happy and that I want relationship that works for both of us and I haven't tried initiate intimacy at all during the past four weeks lest she think I am just doing it to get sex. I have talked to roommate x to try and get a feel for if there was somehting obvious I was missing but x really didn't seem to have any answers either and seemed to be taking a fairly honest and neautral stance (wasn't hostile towards me anyway). I have asked my wife if she appreciates any of these things and get sort of an ambivalent response that yeah she appreciates things but feels like I am doing only for some sort of alterior motive or something. We have both talked to our Bishop, and we have started seeing a conselor. But so far she is unwilling to fulfill the first thing the conselor asked us to do which was just to have 6 six second hugs daily. So far the most we have gotten is 2. There have been a couple of days where I feel like she sees all that I am doing and almost realizes that she is being ridiculous but then the next day it is back to she can't trust me and she just feels so upset. And we have been married for just over two months, and so basically for half that time at this point, this situation has been going on, she has been sleeping in the other room, does the minimum to pitch in around our house and basically generally does her best to avoid interacting with me. I have the feeling that there is some larger issue(s) at play then what she says she is upset about but I don't see how I can get her to tell me seeing as how she doesn't really want to talk with me at all if she can avoid it. I have considered things like birth control causing her to be depressed or cause some other sort of hormonal imbalance but she claims she feels normal except for being upset. She comes from a divorced family (happened when she was 15) and I'd have to say her mom is pretty disfunctional so I can see there could easily be some issues there (especially trust, feeling loved, healthy coping techniques.) There are also allegations that her biological father may have sexually abused at least one of her older sisters (and therefore possibly my wife as well) but nobody has any direct evidence and none of the girls in the family can really clearly remember anything. So I really wonder if my wife was abused and now with the sexual component of marriage it has caused a reaction to those events. But I can really only guess. I really do love her and want things to work out but am really starting to doubt after a month and no real improvement and nothing that has come up as upsetting should cause a response like this. The few signs I have that she has any desire to be with me is that she will still have evening prayers with me, still wears her wedding ring and hasn't moved out. Which isn't a whole lot. I don't know what else to do and being her emotional punching bag can only slowly choke and kill the love I feel for her. I feel like I am doing everything in my power to heal our relationship including asking Heavenly Father for help, but I still feel helpless so long as my wife continues the way she has been. One month isn't that long in the scheme of things but right at the beginning of a marriage to have a situation like this.....I want things to work out but it grows tougher and tougher to remember the gentle and caring woman I fell in love with and married when all I hear from her is that she can't trust me and that I am selfish and jealous.

From my knowledge once Greek culture became the thing in the Mediterranean area, everyone wanted to be Greek. Well Greeks did things like went to public baths and participated in athletics in the nude. So this tended to make Jewish men stand out. And I may be totally incorrect but it seems like I heard somewhere that circumcision up to this point (at least in token of the covenant with God) was probably more like a snip at the end just taking off some of the foreskin rather a complete removal of it. And that to try and keep the young men faithful to their culture/religion that it was at this time (when Greek culture became popular) that complete removal starting taking place making it extremely difficult for a Jew to pass himself off as Greek no matter what he did. Again I'm not sure whether that is correct or not though.